The Nittany Turkey is proud to be last on the scene once again as he reports that Penn State will play LSU in the Capital One Bowl on January 1. By this time, most of you have already bought your tickets and made your travel plans. That is good, so I won’t have to apologize for my late delivery of the news we pretty much knew all along.
The good old BCS hyped the Penn State vs Iowa who-gets-in? hubbub all the way to the end by keeping lips sealed about the damn thing. Ultimately, however, justice prevailed, sending Iowa to the Orange Bowl and leaving Penn State out. That’s good, because I have to believe that the Nittany Lions would have had trouble with the 1968 offense of the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Not good for the administration, who are crying in their pabulum about losing all that moolah.
Nevertheless, this Turkey thinks that things settled out pretty well. Alabama and Texas will play each other to decide the Still Somewhat Mythical So-Called National Championship (SSMSCNC), while Gator Nation wonders whether they should trade a draft pick to the Minnesota Vikings for Percy Harvin.
Now, don’t you all feel silly for having wasted your time speculating about possible bowl berths for endless hours for the last few weeks? Did any of your ruminations, machinations, and masturbation change anything?
Now that match-ups have been decided and bids are out, I think I’ll have to do some bowl predictions here as this month progresses. How else are you going to figure out whom to bet on? You could go to some of the less facetious, unsarcastic sources on the Internet, or you could throw darts at a labeled dartboard, but you will not find the Turkey’s words anywhere but here. When you rely on those other sources, you receive no compassion when you lose. Not so, the Turkey. Being so used to making incorrect predictions had mellowed me out. When you lose with my predictions, I’ll give you the full benefit of my sympathy. In advance.
Just when are the media going to shift from counting how many women Tiger Woods has slept with to how many women he hasn’t slept with? I’m going to have to ask Jenny if he’s been there. Maybe we can figure out a way to get some of his money.
Of course, Nero fiddles with Tiger Woods and his peccadilloes while Rome burns. And boy, is Rome burning. While we idiots spend all this time and column space worrying about who Tiger screwed and who will win which inconsequential bowl game, Washington and the world are conspiring against our freedom. The misguided liberals are about to get what they’ve wanted all along. So don’t get caught up in this bowl crap and in Tiger Woods’ babewise trophy case. Devote that energy to thwarting something that will screw all of us if we let it happen.
Global warming is a fraud. (Or are we supposed to call it “climate change” now, because it could never explain why the planet was actually cooling with anything more than a hand wave.) Who knew? Certainly not Al Gore — it would endanger his book proceeds and carbon offset profits. But everybody in Copenhagen knows about that. The deal there is that the tin pots of the world will suck out big bucks from the US and the rest of the civilized, prosperous world. We’ll wind up sucking hind tit.
I’m thinking that health care reform will cost us more money than we have. Our friends in congress are salivating over controlling 18% of the U.S. economy. One senate schmuck even wrote an amendment that establishes control of insurance companies’ CEO salaries. How the hell do we let this government grab of private enterprise happen? Wake up, people!
Now that I’ve confused you by injecting my impertinent opinions on hot-button current events issues, I’ll return to the subject at hand. I intend to look further into the Penn State vs. LSU situation as the month progresses, assuming that too many other activities don’t get in the way. You never know this time of year. We could have a Tiger Woods emergency or something. LSU doesn’t have much of an offense, so Penn State has a chance to make a statement that a third-rate Big Ten team can beat a third-rate SEC team. Oy, such a statement!
I’ve got to get ready for lunch now.