Yo, yo, Randy! What the hell were you smoking when you lauded Jason Castro’s ukulele accompanied song on Tuesday night? Did you pass some of it to Simon, too? Is the next American Idol also going to be the next Tiny Tim?
Simon and Randy agreed that “Jason is back!” Redhead and I agreed that It Sucked. Who’s right?
That’s subjective, I know, but when you consider that the voting demographic is not replete with the ladies from Canasta Night at The Villages, why would you expect that Jason would do well with that crap? I suppose if Taylor Hicks can be an American Idol, anyone can!
David Archuleta delivered another winner, and is safe.
Surprisingly, plucky, leggy Kristy Lee Cook, who did a Martina McBride number that was right up her alley (and this Turkey would like to get right up her alley), will be safe for another week. Her confidence is growing, and she might be good for another couple of weeks. I think that her popularity with the voters is increasing.
Carly Smithson might have hurt herself a lot with her song selection. If she manages to hang on, how about putting some duct tape over that damn tattoo?
Syesha Mercado wasn’t bad, so I think her ass is safe. Same for Michael Johns and David Cook. No great shakes for any of these three, but they’ll survive.
Well, let’s see…who does that leave? Ahh, Brooke White. This Turkey believes that it will be sayonara for Brooky tonight. Her voice was shaky on Tuesday, and it left me wanting to see less of her. So, it’s goodbye for Brooke tonight, methinks.
Let’s take a break from American Asshole (the sad saga of Penn State football’s criminal element as personified by Chris Bell in the preceding story) in order to tune in once again to American Idol.
This week, we’re down to eight contestants. It is Idol Gives Back week, so expect a lot of promos for Wednesday’s two-and-a-half hour extravaganza, which is basically a series of taped vignettes of former Idols, Idol judges, and other assorted luminaries reaching out to impoverished Africans. (N.B.: Mrs. Clinton and Messrs. McCain and Obama will not miss this important photo-op, as it is their best chance to strut their questionable shit in 15-second sound bites before an audience of 35-40 million.) But I digress. Eight good people left standing with no stated theme that this Turkey could glean could only mean one thing: one person will leave the stage in tears on Thursday night. I might watch the return of 30 Rock, instead. Just kidding!
Last week saw the elimination of my favorite little cutie, 4′11″ Ramiele Malubay. She had chubby legs, but she also had a great big voice. Ramiele is an emotional kid, which took its toll on her when Ryan Seacrest announced that she was out; however, trouper that she is, she recovered long enough to belt out her song one final time for the people in the audience who derive sadistic gratification from Idol’s little torture routine of making the losers sing right after they are gunned down on stage.
So who’s left? First, the group that this Turkey considers the bottom half. We have the lovely, long-legged Kristy Lee Cook, whose fine ass has adorned the Bottom Three stools on so many occasions that she now comes prepared with a hand-lettered sign that reads “Kristy’s Seat”. If Kristy sticks to country music, she’ll be around for another week or two; if she doesn’t, this could be her week to go. Brooke White, too, is looking shaky. Her act has been heading downhill and her emotional personality has been getting the better of her of late. If Syesha Mercado happens to pull out another Whitney Houston song, she’s headed for the dumper, too. The audience rewards—or should reward—original, not copycat, performances. Jason Castro is pretty easy going—too easy going—and another weak song choice could send him to Idol oblivion.
The other four are pretty safe for a while. David Archuleta is the odds-on favorite to win the whole thing. He has a great voice and an engaging smile. He is the idol of the pre-teens, but many adult women not so secretly want to have a go with him, if only he would start shaving… But I digress. David Cook is edgy, performs updated material, got a better haircut, and is in it for the long haul. You always know that you’re going to get something out of the ordinary from him. Michael Johns has had his ups and downs, but is a genuinely nice guy, has an appealing Aussie accent, is good looking, and can sing. Those qualities should keep him around at least until we’re down to four remaining. Not to say that he’s the worst of the top four—these people are all pretty good. That brings us to Carly Smithson, who can sing but, according to Simon, can’t dress. She’ll be returning for a while if she doesn’t totally screw up. Maybe she should take Simon’s advice about clothing and at least cover that ridiculous tattoo on her right arm and shoulder. That shit belongs on Shaquille O’Neal, not on a pop singer. (If she was doing a genre like Industrial or Metal, maybe, but not pop. Instead of body art, she should have spent her money on a boob job or ass implants—something I wouldn’t be repelled by looking at.) Anyway, Carly will be with us for several more weeks, which is fine by me. When she’s good, she’s damn good. So let’s hope she doesn’t suck.
I’ll be open comment blogging with The Redhead tonight during the show. Anyone is welcome to join in by posting contemporaneous (or even ex post facto) comments to this blog.
In yet another of the series of incidents involving players whose names are becoming notorious for such shenanigans, Nittany Lion (or should I say ex-Nittany Lion) wide receiver Chris Bell pulled a knife on another student in Pollock Commons and is now in the Centre County jail.
Bell, if you care to remember, has been involved in lots of other shady incidents. At the time of the incident he had been suspended from the team because of that and because of his poor grades.
This Turkey feels that based on this and other incidents, Bell should be voted Most Likely to Follow in Lavon Chisley’s Footsteps.
No great loss, though. He couldn’t catch, anyway.
The Athletic Department has as yet made no comments on this latest nonsensical incident.
Addendum: The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is reporting that Bell not only has been kicked off the team but also has been banned from the Penn State campus.
The Idol wannabes performed on Tuesday, and save for a brilliant performance from David Archuleta, the 17 year-old who looks 13, it was a pretty mundane night.
Dolly Parton’s guest mentorship meant that we would be hearing naught but Dollysongs. Alas, one of those was also a Whitneysong, performances of which in the Whitney style typically cause both my Idol partner, the Redhead, and I, the Nittany Turkey, to blow chunks. Syesha Mercado did the dirty deed with I Will Always Love You, and we both threw up. (I haven’t emptied my vomit bucket yet, just in case she is voted off tonight and gets to sing it again.)
Anyway, in addition to Archuleta’s, credible performances by David Cook and Michael Johns secured the victory for the ballsful contingent. Of the guys, only Jason Castro, who must have been starstruck after Dolly fondled his dreds, actually sucked.
As for the ballsless squad, the stage was replete with a veritable miasma of assorted drek. Carly Smithson delivered the best the breastful ones could muster, but it was nothing close to a knockout punch. Little Ramiele Malubay with the great big voice and somewhat chubby legs looked a little more comfortable than she had been of late, but nothing about her number renewed my faith in her being around at the end. Brooke White sang in whiter shades of pale vanilla white. Non-memorable and bland. The only babe performance of note was horse-girl Kristy Lee Cook, she of the great altitude and fine, fine, superfine legs. They even looked good as she pranced around the stage barefoot. Yeah, I won’t mind keeping her around for another week. Oh yeah, she sang, too, and she does country pretty well. It’s her thing, you know.
So, upon about six seconds thought, one of the following three must go this week: Syesha, Brooke, or Ramiele, not necessarily in that order. A dark horse for odd man out would be Jason Castro, but this Turkey thinks his hair will keep the teen votes coming for at least another week.
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