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The Land Grant Trophy…and Much More

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

The #8 Nittany Lions (10-1, 6-1 Big Ten) take on the #15 Michigan State Spartans (9-2, 6-1 Big Ten) for the vaunted Land Grant Trophy. However, for a change, this game means a whole helluva lot more, as a piece of the Big Ten championship and a trip to the Rose Bowl are at stake. If Penn State wins, a Rose Bowl bid is all but assured.

You all know by now that since joining the Big Ten, Penn State has never lost to Sparty in seven tries at Beaver Stadium. Aren’t such statistics wonderful, albeit meaningless? I could say that I haven’t missed the toilet once while taking a leak at 7:00 AM but what predictive value does that have about future target practice? There are lots of other variables at play, urologically speaking, so we won’t dwell on this singular, sterile, metaphorical statistic (unless you want to). Hell, this Turkey attended the last Beaver Stadium game where Moo U. beat Penn State, on September 25, 1965. The score was 23-0 and Bubba Smith, now 63, terrorized the Nittany Lion backfield for much of the game. What does that have to do with 2008? Nothing, but neither do those seven Penn State wins since 1990.

Point made? This particular “considered in a vacuum intangible” is pure bullshit.

Land Grant Trophy

Another manufactured “intangible” is both teams’ presumed blood thirst for possession of the Land Grant Trophy. I mean, look at that ugly mutha. Do you think either university actually enjoys having that piece of shit in its trophy case without a sheet draped over it? Hell, if I were playing and my team were to win that scatographically hideous mélange of a mute testament to design by committee, I’d run the other way when it came time to carry the massive, mahogany mounted, misconceived monstrosity across the field. Yea, verily. I hate that junk.

Someone ought to blow it up as a Halloween prank one of these years and be done with it. So much for that “intangible,” but I digress. Sorry, I got carried away; it’s an annual, apoplectic phenomenon.

The composition of both teams and their performances this year are the only reliable indicators of the outcome of this game, and still there are too many urological variables to assure us of a particular outcome either way. The biggest such variable—and the one least possible to predict—is the human factor. The weather has a bearing on the outcome, too, although this game being played as if it were a rivalry game as the last game of the season in late November, the weather is always crappy.

So, given that the emphasis of the Michigan State attack is on its supremely talented running back, Javon Ringer, ranked #3 nationally, and obviously, Penn State’s defensive emphasis will be on stopping him, it is instructive to break down the performance of the big D against Big Ten running backs this season. Here they are.

Illinois: #71 Daniel Dufrene, 14 carries, 96 yds, 0 TD, long carry 30
Purdue: #29 Kory Sheets, 18, 59, 1, 19
Wisconsin: #38 P.J. Hill, 15, 58, 0, 15
Michigan: Brandon Minor, 23, 117, 2, 36
OSU: Beanie Wells, 22, 55, 0, 8
Iowa: #2 Shonn Greene, 28, 117, 2, 14
Indiana: Marcus Thigpen, 8, 72, 1, 57

The only non-conference opponent worth mentioning is Oregon State, so let’s add them to the mix.

Oregon State: #9 Jacquizz Rodgers, 22, 99, 2, 13

In games in which their top running back was able to gain 96 yards or more, opponents scored an average of 19.7 points. In other games listed above, opponents scored an average of 6.5 points. Accordingly, with the Penn State offense sputtering, the task of shutting down Ringer is of paramount importance.

It is late in the season and an already depleted defensive line is banged up. The linebacker(s) need help. I mean, there really is only one guy I’d call a real linebacker, that being Navorro Bowman. Reports from practice have revealed that Mark Rubin is being drilled as effectively a fourth linebacker in hopes of beefing up the linebacking corps in its all-important quest to keep Ringer under control.

However, if Penn State wants to play eight in the box, Moo U. can beat them with the pass, so selling out to impede Ringer is not a key in itself. The defense has to be competent against the pass, too. Lead Moo-Cow and senior quarterback Brian Hoyer has been improving from game to game. This season thus far, he has completed 137 of 279 passes with 9 TDs and 6 interceptions. He’s been sacked 14 times. Certainly, applying pressure to Hoyer on passing downs is essential. In any case, I would not recommend the BBDB defense, better known here as the matador defense, that was employed against Iowa in the fourth quarter of that game. The soft zone sucks and you’ve heard it here over and over again. Nevertheless, the defense will have to contend with both run and pass situations. For those of you who think Moo U’s offense is one-dimensional, their average yardage per game is 147.82 rushing and 207.36 passing, ranking #64 and #65, respectively. Michigan State actually ranks #9 in rushing in the conference. One has to suppose that a strong reason for that has been the obsession with stopping Ringer. So, let’s see if that strategy is successful.

Here’s how Ringer has played. I’ll show opponents with national rushing defense rank, number of yards, and total MSU points in Big Ten and selected non-conference games.

#39 California, 81, 31 (loss)
#57 Notre Dame, 201, 23 (win)
#92 Indiana, 198, 42 (win)
#18 Iowa, 91, 16 (win)
#44 Northwestern, 124, 37 (win)
#26 Ohio State, 67, 7 (loss)
#45 Michigan, 194, 35 (win)
#32 Wisconsin, 54, 25 (win)
#96 Purdue, 121, 21 (win)

In the above games where Ringer has run for over 100 yards, Moo U. scored an average of 31.6 points; when he was held under 100, they scored an average of 19.7 points. The rush defenses that were able to hold him under 100 yards were ranked nationally between 18 and 39. Penn State ranks #10.

Penn State’s pass efficiency defense ranks #2 nationally. If PSU does not get too obsessed with Ringer, they can minimize the Moo U. damage.

However, the Nittany Lions will have to score enough points to win this one. The habit of not playing well in the first half must abate in order to win this game. As well, turnovers must cease. Clark’s two fumbles last week were particularly disconcerting. So, two significant keys will be playing four quarters and taking care of the ball.

Royster, as well, will be a key. The running game, derailed of late, has to get back on track. There have been some significant breakdowns in the interior offensive line that resulted in there being scant few holes for Royster, who ranks #22 in the nation and #3 in the conference behind Greene and Ringer, to exploit. Fortunately, the Moo U. rushing defense is ranked #73. Royster should have his way with them.

The pass will be problematical, as Michigan State ranks #12 in pass efficiency defense. Clark hasn’t been throwing very accurately, so this Turkey’s guess is that pass plays, such as there are, will be mostly of the short, safe variety. Whether Clark has worked through his confidence issues and whether he has fully recovered from the concussion he suffered in the Ohio State game—both physically and mentally—is anyone’s guess. Clark has shown signs of impaired decision making, along with his pass accuracy problems. Dantonio will no doubt want to test Clark’s ability to handle pressure. Still, Clark is the man, and I doubt that you’ll be seeing Devlin unless the game is well out of reach, one way or the other.

OK, one or two intangibles, just because I like you and I know you can’t live without them. The Spartans have been relaxing with a bye week. Dantonio made it a vacation week for the players, prohibiting them from accessing the athletic facility during the off week. Sparty will be rested, healed, and ready. So that’s an intangible in Moo U’s favor.

Whether the Nittany Lions are equally ready is problematical. Much is at stake in this game, but even more was at stake in Iowa, where the boys faltered miserably. However, this is where the Lions have a great, big intangible advantage: the home crowd. It’s the last game of the year, the Big Ten championship is on the line, it’s Senior Day, and the boys want to see “2008″ added to the other championship years inscribed in the ring around the Beaver Stadium luxury boxes. If that doesn’t get a noisy, raucous crowd out, what the hell will?

Indeed, the kickoff is at 3:30 PM, not noon, so the hangovers will have had time to abate and new buzzes will have had enough time to kick in. There are no excuses for a lack of proper ambience for this game.

The weather will be cold and breezy. We’ve seen some hands issues from the Iowa game forward, not coincidentally all cold weather games. It is this Turkey’s hope that we’ll see fewer dropped passes this week than we have been seeing the past couple of weeks. The weather, however, is an intangible that should affect both teams equally, unless someone hogs all the space heaters while the other guys forget to bring any, as was the case with the Iowa game.

One last intangible. Much has been made of the rumor that this will be Joe Paterno’s final game at Beaver Stadium. He has pooh-poohed that rumor, stonewalling it as usual, but he does admit that he needs a hip replacement and it most likely will happen soon after the Michigan State game. At the press conference today, Paterno stated that he wanted to coach the bowl game on the sidelines, not from the booth. Based on my own rehab track record, that certainly would be possible, as Joe is probably in better shape at 81 than I was at 54. Meanwhile, Joe’s wife, Sue, has been inviting family and friends from all over the country to attend this game. Lots of people are adding two and two, in this Turkey’s opinion, coming up with five. Nevertheless, with a whiff of a possible Paterno retirement in the air, we have another strongly motivating intangible for the boys.

And so, boys and girls, that brings us to the feature you’ve been waiting for all season, the final Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the 2008 Penn State season! Last week, thanks to the offense forgetting to play the first half, Penn State did not cover the spread. This Turkey predicted a 47-10 outcome; it was actually 34-7. Not unlike my assessment of the crowd, if a game with such significant overtones does not arouse the footballistic passions of the Nittany Lions, they might as well all just visit the apartment of Evans, Koroma, and Quarless and pass a joint around. This is it. This is the season. It’s 48 minutes of basketball. Oops, I mean it’s 60 minutes of football, baby! Las Vegas has established Penn State as a two-touchdown favorite with no over/under at present, although one book opened at 48. That combination would suggest a final score of 31-17. With Ringer on the loose and Clark on the mend, but still a “maybe”, this Turkey thinks the spread is in jeopardy this week. But shit, I’ve been wrong all season. I hope it’s a Penn State blowout, but the OTPP is Penn State 27, Michigan State 24.

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Tags: Joe Paterno, Land Grant Trophy, Michigan State, Moo U., Nittany Lions, Penn State, Spartans, this won't be Joe's last game
Posted in Penn State Football | 4 Comments »

Back Home in Native-Americanana

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

Let’s be politically correct, shall we? There is no way we can keep on using the I-word in a state name. No, man. Not in this day and age. It is horrible hate speech, shamefully directed at the dusky skinned, colorfully named billionaires who own all those casinos. Pure wealth envy. This Turkey will not stand for it. Henceforth, we shall refer to the state located between Ohio and Illinois as Native-Americanana. I know you’ll be happy about that.

You see, the #8 Penn State Nittany Lions (9-1, 5-1 Big Ten) will host the Native-Americanana Hoosiers (3-7, 1-5 Big Ten) on Saturday at high noon. Many Lions fans wonder why this game should be played. They’re pissed off over the Iowa loss and they’re bored with the prospect of playing a vastly inferior opponent. Of course, these are the same people who looked past the Hawkeyes all the way to Miami on January 8.

Beware the ‘Eye games. That’s Buckeye, Hawkeye, and Eye-word. OK, that’s a stretch, but I’m in a silly-ass mood again. You see what that brought us when I wrote the Iowa preview in semi-Ebonic mode. So I guess I’ll shitcan the frivolity. Or not.

I really don’t want to write about Ind—oops, I mean Native-Americanana. Let my ennui provide something constructive, in any case. Do you know what a Hoosier is? I didn’t think so. Well, here’s something I shamelessly stole about the origin of the word.

The origins of Hoosier are rather obscure, but the most likely possibility is that the term is an alteration of hoozer, an English dialect word recorded in Cumberland, a former county of northwest England, in the late 19th century and used to refer to anything unusually large. The transition between hoozer and Hoosier is not clear. The first recorded instance of Hoosier meaning “[Native-Americanana] resident” is dated 1826; however, it seems possible that senses of the word recorded later in the Dictionary of Americanisms, including “a big, burly, uncouth specimen or individual; a frontiersman, countryman, rustic,” reflect the kind of use this word had before it settled down in [there's that I-word again]. As a nickname, Hoosier was but one of a variety of disparaging terms arising in the early 19th century for the inhabitants of particular states. For example, Texans were called Beetheads, Alabamans were Lizards, Nebraskans were Bug-eaters, South Carolinians were Weasels, and Pennsylvanians were Leatherheads. People in Missouri might have had it worst of all—they were called Pukes. Originally, these names were probably taken up by people living in neighboring states, but belittled residents adopted them in a spirit of defiant pride, much as American colonists turned the derisive term Yankee into a moniker for their spirit of rebellion. Today, most of these frontier nicknames have disappeared from the landscape. A few like Okie still exist with much of their original animus. Others survive as nicknames for the sports teams of state universities—the North Carolina Tarheels, the Ohio [State] Buckeyes, and so on—fighting words only on the playing field or court.

How’s that for filler material? The PSU Leatherheads will be playing the big, burly, uncouth Hoosiers during this purported bye week. Good thing we won’t be seeing the Pukes.

I used that as a spacer so it wouldn’t look like I was too lazy to write about the game. Frankly, I’m bored with this game and don’t really want to write about it. How many times must I say that before you believe me? I’d rather be planning our hiking excursion tomorrow. The team and its coaches better not be feeling similar apathy and detachment.

The foregoing bit of snottiness leads us to the half-hearted Official Turkey Poop Prediction for the week. I really screwed up last week, predicting a big, 31-7 win over Iowa. This week is accordingly problematical. The Nitty Kitties could come out completely flat, passionless, and apathetic, or they could come out frustrated, angry, and ready to kick ass. It’s anyone’s guess. The gambling line is a bit ridiculous, with Penn State favored by 37 and an over/under of 57. This suggests a 47-10 outcome. You know what’s coming. Let’s not overthink this—I have to charge up my GPS batteries and get the bug spray out. Leatherheads 47, Hoosiers 10.

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Tags: college football, cowabunga, great surgeons of the Chiricahua Apaches, how, Joe Paterno, political correctness, slots & poker
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By the Bootstraps

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

Are you done whining about the Iowa loss yet? Your Turkey is. I feel strangely at peace with the notion that the Nittany Lions will not be going to the so-called national championship game. Do you?

First of all, as you all well know, I do not regard the BCS fantasy finale, better known here as the Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship (SSMNC) game, as a true determinant of a national champion. It is merely an extra game added as a thinly veiled revenue generation ploy, whose participants are chosen by an ever changing set of criteria that provide too much room for subjective doubt.

Second, who the hell says that if Penn State doesn’t go to the SSMNC game, the season is ruined? This crap about going all the way being the only acceptable alternative doesn’t resonate in Turkeyville, either. I makes me nauseous to hear people dissing Olympic athletes who dare to return home with bronze or silver medals. Competing at the highest level is good enough for this Turkey. Someone has to win and someone has to lose, ferchrissakes.

Finally, I’m certain that I’ll get a lot of flack for saying that Penn State didn’t belong in the damn SSMNC. I think you know that in your heart of hearts. You’re seriously delusional if you think that this year’s Penn State team would stand a chance against the likes of Texas Tech, Florida, or USC with all the marbles on the table. We watched our conference be humiliated in the past two instances of the SSMNC. With a deficient defense, which was fully on display last Saturday, why would Penn State fare any better than Ohio State?

Because of our pride, of course. Because of our denial.

This Turkey has been queasy about the defense all season. I have a problem with all fourteen of them: the front seven and the back seven.

Seriously, though, folks, could you see the same secondary that allowed the Hawkeyes’ rookie quarterback to pass his way down the field in a crucial, fourth-quarter situation shutting down a real passing attack? Do you think the Sandusky BBDB could ever hope to work in 2008? I’ve been bitching for 15 years that the soft zone is too easy to pick apart, and it gets easier as the years pass. Receivers get faster, quarterbacks get more accurate, and huge offensive lines provide plenty of time to throw. You can’t trust a mediocre secondary enough to blitz and if you do, you’re vulnerable to screens and dump-offs. The Sandusky soft zone is an anachronism that needs to go the way of the 5-3. It’s a different game now.

And what of the front seven? We knew that the defensive line and the linebacking corps would have holes that were impossible to fill. Late in the season, it is glaringly clear that PSU is operating with a thin defensive line and one competent linebacker. Even with Sean Lee in there, there would still be only two linebackers worth a damn.

The Nittany Lions do have an offense, or we thought they did. However, it doesn’t get started until the second quarter. Three quarters of football would not win a SSMNC game, unless somehow West Virginia or USF were to sneak in there. Of late, the offense has not been banging on all cylinders even when they decide it is time to play. That might work against Temple or Purdue, but as we have seen, it doesn’t work too well at all against Ohio State or Iowa. Yeah, Iowa. And you want to see how it goes against Oklahoma?

Forget it now. Ain’t going to happen. We’re spared the humiliation.

I know. You’re saying I’m offering my usual negativistic, unspirited diatribe, I have no team spirit, and I’m generally full of shit. I’ll admit to the last of those, but since when does being a pragmatist mean I’m a poor fan? I give credit where I think it is due, but I am not blind to faults that are there for all to see. Tough love, man.

I will be extremely happy to see the Nittany Lions play in the Rose Bowl once again. I do not regard it as a consolation prize.

Let us assume for the moment that PSU gets by Indiana on Saturday and Moo U. on the 22nd, a mighty big assumption not meant to minimize either of those two opponents. They’ll still have an opportunity to prove something mighty big in the Rose Bowl. If they come out looking like they don’t want to be there, as they did on Kinnick Field, they’ll wind up humiliating the Big Ten just like Illinois did last year. However, if they play their asses off four four quarters, they’ll stand a good chance of beating whoever they wind up facing there. That’s all I am asking for: playing with passion, playing to win, and playing an entire game.

Penn State is in the thick of the BCS this year, and that’s fun in itself. Read a great article about the BCS national championship and the Rose Bowl possibilities here in the Wall Street Journal. The article contains a link to an explanation of the convoluted Big Ten tiebreaker algorithm, for good measure.

Regardless of the outcome of the hypothetical Rose Bowl I allude to above, this Turkey will be happy if the Nittany Lions deliver a complete performance. Win or lose, they’ll have distinguished themselves in my bird brain as one of the great teams in Penn State history. That’s good enough for me, even if some of you consider that a loss. It certainly does not constitute failure.

I glossed over the need to beat Penn State’s final two regular season opponents. Anything can happen there, particularly if the Lions come out flat and deliver half-assed performances. It is hard to think that they could falter enough to lose to Indiana, the perennial Big Ten whipping boy. However, if they hang their heads and remain in a funk, they sure as hell could. Moo U. is another story, as it will take some good defense to shut down the #2 ranked rusher in the nation. The Michigan State of this year is not the Moo U. of yore.

It is time to suck it up. This team has some great senior leadership, give or take a Scirrotto. It is a rough time of the year, sore from a season of pounding, coming off a tough loss, hard on the heels of an emotional let-down. True leaders are motivators. If this bunch of seniors is as good as we all think they are, they will be able to pull this team up by its collective bootstraps and lead a successful conclusion to this campaign.

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Tags: C-Diff, fecal impaction of optic nerve, football, Joe Paterno, team Viagra, why is it dark at 5:30?
Posted in Penn State Football | No Comments »

MNC for Paterno Helps Bowden?

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008

One of our local rag’s sportsmorons has written a ridiculous piece about Joe Paterno, this year’s PSU successes, and how a triumphal effort will affect Bobby Bowden. Bobby Bowden? Who cares!

David Whitley of The Orlando Sentinel thinks that Joe should go out on top, “which is probably the only way he will go”, most likely this year. He thinks that 82 year-old Paterno has been acting more like he is 92 this year.

If you were born in 1926, you shouldn’t be demonstrating an onsides kick to players born in 1990.

Naturally, this being Florida, everything must relate to Bobby Bowden.

Bowden will be 79 on Saturday, but compared to Paterno he looks like Tom Cruise bouncing on Oprah’s couch.

Read this poorly written piece of trash here.

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