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Monkey Off Their Back

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

While no one will admit it, Penn State coaches and players are relieved to have finally broken the Michigan jinx, thrashing the Wolverines 46-17 at friendly Beaver Stadium before a stadium record crowd of 110,017. This Turkey was the 110,017^th of them—I was disappointed that no one came to visit me in section SGC. After all, I had taken a shower before I walked to Big Beave.

I know you will be chuckling this morning when you read headlines such as “A Tale of Two Halves” leading you into descriptions of the game. Some of them (by bloggers who flunked sixth grade and have no spell checkers) will probably call it “A Tail of To Halfs”, but I digress. I’d like to say that PSU played cat and mouse with Michigan for the first half and then pounced upon their toyed with prey in the second half, but I’d be lying to you. The Wolverines ran at will on the inept Nittany Lion defense in the first half, while the inept Nittany Lion offense screwed up repeatedly, keeping a slow and tired defense on the field. Some of the holes Brandon Minor ran through could have accommodated the Blue Band bus. Josh Hull was notably absent. On one play, Minor dragged both Bowman and Scirrotto with him for 10 yards. On every play, the defense looked confused and unready at the snap. What a mess! Consistent with the defensive morass, on offense the first snap sailed right over Daryll Clark’s head. A few plays later, he fumbled the ball away. Absolutely disgusting! Time of possession advantage in the first quarter was quite obviously in Michigan’s favor, at 12 minutes to 3 minutes for the hapless Nittany Lions. The first quarter closed with the Wolverines ahead 10-7, with Penn State looking like nothing at all like a team that was #3 in the nation.

Tom Bradley was doing his “head coach by default” routine, pacing up and down the sideline and jawboning officials. Dat was because of de fault dat Paterno was coaching from da press box again due to a sore leg, although Joe had come out for pre-game warm-ups and to meet the much maligned freshman Michigan head coach, Rich Rodriguez, at mid-field. Bradley should have been jawboning his defense, instead. Is he incapable of reacting quickly to incompetence by his defense while he is playing de facto head coach? They seemed to be playing a lot of nickel defenses in the first quarter, which allowed Minor the luxury of running at will. Eventually, Bradley yanked marginal linebackers Tyrell Sales and Josh Hull for the speedier tandem of Michael Mauti and Bani Gbadyu. The move seemed to work, as the PSU defense improved measurably after the first damnable quarter. Drew Astorino got more than his usual playing time due to Anthony Scirrotto’s slight concussion. Astorino is coming of age as a force on defense.

The offensive star of the game was Evan Royster, with a career day of 174 yards on 18 carries. Royster provided Penn State’s first score of the game on a 44-yard touchdown run at a time when it was sorely needed with PSU being down 10-0 in the first quarter. He had to believe that he was surrounded by incompetence.

Prior to that score, the whited-out student section was growing increasingly quiet, with groans and a few boos occasionally emanating from that corner. Even Block S, done up for this game in Penn State’s original colors, pink and black, seemed to sag a bit. The first half was a dose of Thorazine after the Benzedrine lead-up to this game.

However, Penn State’s final drive of the first half portended good things to come. A well executed two minute drill brought the Lions back to within three, posting a score of 17-14 as the half came to a close with a knee by the Michigan offense with seconds left.

With so many cell phones operating at halftime, the circuits were overloaded and it was damn hard to get a text message through. However, I did manage to get one out to Artificially Sweetened, telling her that Joe Paterno would have to give the whole team “the dickens” in the locker room to get their asses in gear. Apparently she was able to call him to let him know, because whatever he said to them worked.

The second half was all Penn State, as the line score so graphically shows. After a Kevin Kelly field goal, the good fortune continued with a defensive score on a safety that wound up being a nine-point play, as the Nittany Lions came back to score a touchdown on the après-safety free kick. In all, from that touchdown at the end of the first half, the Lions rolled up 39 unanswered points, 32 of them in the second half.

In all, Penn State rolled up 482 yards to Michigan’s 291 (most of which were gained in the first half). Time of possession wound up even, but we already mentioned the disparity in the first half. Their 202 rushing yards against what had been a highly regarded run defense tells the tale of that first half before Penn State’s defensive adjustments took effect. A tale of two halves. Snort!

What do we get from this game, aside from a heartburn first half and tube-fed Maalox for the second? Well, for one thing, it shows that the boys can turn a game around, coping with what Paterno characterizes as adversity. OK, Joe, like I don’t mind adversity when it isn’t created by our own guys. Anyhow, it takes character to surmount a deficit no matter how it comes about, and this team was able to do that and then some. However, although the Wolverines came to play, this is a team that the previous week had lost to 1-4 Toledo of the MAC conference. They’re not very good this year. Whether this group of Nittany Lions can overcome similar adversity against Ohio State, who just whipped Michigan State 45-7, remains to be seen. It would be appropriate to have that damn halftime chat with the troops before the damn game starts when the Lions travel to Columbus this week to meet the Buckeyes. Penn State cannot afford to squander a half or even a quarter against quality opposition.

Speaking of Ohio State, we’ll be back later in the week (probably around Thursday, due to mid-week travel), with our comments and predictions for the big brawl in Columbus.

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Tags: college football, Joe Paterno, Michigan Wolverines, Nittany Lions, Penn State Football, Sports
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Abbreviated Michigan Preview of Sorts

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Yeah, like you’re going to see the same things written wherever you go, so I’m not going to write it here. Joe said it in the press conference Tuesday: Michigan is better than they were against Toledo and they played both Notre Dame and Wisconsin tough. So, don’t be looking for a walkover on Saturday. Mind you, I’ll be happy if that’s the way it plays out, but I want you all to be a little worried about this one. Moreover, I want the team to be a little worried about this one. Nobody better be looking ahead to Ohio State with the intent of mailing this one in.

I do think that the PSU offense can overwhelm Michigan’s defense, while Penn State’s defense can shut down Michigan’s erratic offense. I hope it’s a Wisconsin style blowout, but we won’t know that until four quarters are played on Saturday.

I don’t have my usual research tools with me here in Pennsylvania, so I won’t be going into great detail with who’s who on both sides of the ball. You can get that elsewhere.You’ll just get the usual bullshit here.

I’m going to enjoy Homecoming weekend and then maybe I’ll recap it for you. I’ll be in State College tomorrow. Dinner at Spatz tomorrow evening—hopefully, with a table next to the windows so we can watch the homecoming parade down College Avenue. Shacking up in the usual fleabag motel with my friends Joe & Judy. Crashin’ tailgates. The game on Saturday. The celebration on Saturday night—it has been promised that if the Nittany Lions win, we geezers might even stay up ’til 9:30. It don’t git no better’n this.

So, we’ll skip directly to the Official Turkey Poop Prediction, and I won’t even digress before launching into its pseudo-scientific projection. Current spread is Penn State - 24½ with an over/under of 47. That suggests a final score of 36-11. This Turkey is thinking that the gamblers have this one pegged. Penn State 37, Michigan 10.

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Tags: college football, Go Blue, Nittany Lions, Penn State Football, Sports, University of Michigan, Wolverines
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Nothing to Bitch About!

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

Wow, boys and girls! What a great game to stop a cynical Turkey in his tracks! Other than the first drive, this normally curmudgeonly and foul fowl could find nothing to pick on the entire night—and that includes coaching—as the Nittany Lions thoroughly thrashed, if not trashed, the Wisconsin Badgers 48-7 on their home turf. This morning, we’re seeing a lot of sportswriters’ clichés to describe the Badgers’ denouement; however, none could hold a candle to that which was offered by Artificially Sweetened in a text message to me during the game: “I’m watching the Badger creamation [sic]…”—a very apt description from my neologistical protégé.

I mentioned the coaching in my introductory paragraph. (If you can have a paragraph, can you have a parascope? Is the science of writing inscribing paragraphs called paracology? Enquiring minds want to know, but I digress.) Coaching—the bane of Penn State’s road performance for more years than this Turkey wishes to remember—was superb. Wisconsin’s defensive game plan appeared to anticipate Paterno Sphincter Mode. They did what they could to shut down the run, and they were somewhat effective. Finally showing some confidence in his offense, old Joe countered by opening up the passing game. With as many weapons as this team has, the Badgers never knew what hit them. They were down 17-0 before they could even work up a good cheese fart. It was just total annihilation.

The home crowd was never a factor, quietly sulking for most of the game. At The Cave, home theater of the Nittany Turkey and the Mouse Who Ate Xanax, there were many conjectures about which of the featured Badgers and Badgerettes would or would not get laid last night. Most of the worried looking, morose dweebs were not going to get any. We envisioned them crying in their 3.2 beer all night.

While PSU’s potent offense led by Daryll Clark has been the story all season, there have been doubts about the defense. In this game, the defense performed well, forcing four turnovers and holding Wisconsin to only 14 first downs for the game.

You can read all the detailed stats and play-by-play elsewhere. Suffice to say that the Badgers scored their lone touchdown in the second quarter and never got their heads above water. They could have gone home at halftime and been ahead of the game. Anyhow, by now, you know all about the game, so let’s talk here.

I was wrong about the way I thought this game would progress. I predicted PSU would win 23-20. That was predicated on two notions this Turkey held in his birdbrain. First, I felt that Paterno would put the clamps of conservatism on this important road game, playing “not to lose” instead of playing to win. Second, I felt that the PSU defense was not up to the task of shutting down the Wisconsin offense.

On each of the past two occasions on which the Nittany Lions had traveled to Camp Randall, they put a total of three big points on the scoreboard. Last week, at Purdue, they were able to manage only 20 points against one of the worst defenses known to modern man. Given the typical Paterno game plan, who would have thought that Joe would suddenly develop confidence in his offense and turn them loose? I was cringing all week thinking that Joe was developing a game plan in which the punter was regarded as an offensive weapon. Joe surprised me rather pleasantly, and I’m sure he surprised Brett Bielema, too, only not very pleasantly on his end! So there you have it. A 36 year-old upstart outcoached by an old master who is going on 82.

I thought that the Penn State defense could shut down P. J. Hill, as they have shown they can do in the past. However, selling out to protect the run is not a good thing if the opponents have a passing game. I feared that Wisconsin, especially with Travis Beckum being healthy, would be able to exploit the sell-out. They couldn’t, and the Penn State secondary deserves a lot of credit for making it that way.

Even the kickoffs and kickoff coverage were masterfully executed. Kelly kicked several times into the end zone. His leg seems to be getting stronger as the season progresses. Good coverage kept Bucky hemmed in, cowering in his badger hole much of the day.

The officiating was pretty strange. Not that I thought they particularly implemented bias one way or the other, but some obvious instances of holding that were visible to customers in the cheap nosebleed seats were left unpenalized. Penn State was penalized only once for seven yards, while Wisconsin had eight penalties for 72 yards. So, I’m not bitching. Much.

Paterno has done some bobbing and weaving, to be sure. He sure as hell made us all believe that he would play his typical, constipated road game. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I wonder what is in store for us at the Horseshoe on October 25^th! What a game that is setting up to be. But let us not get ahead of ourselves. Major nemesis Michigan looms next week.

The bloom is off the Michigan rose this year. Their latest ignominious defeat was at the hands of MAC power Toledo, 13-10. Michigan had heretofore never lost to a MAC team. The Wolverines are quickly becoming irrelevant, although they still could theoretically win the Big Ten title by winning out from here. However, that ain’t likely, as they have yet to play the three conference leaders, Penn State, Michigan State, and Ohio State, each 3-0 in the Big Ten.

Meanwhile, Wisconsin joins the laggards of the Big Ten at 0-3. A decent bowl game is already out of reach for the Badgers, who at the outset of the season were everyone’s choice to be second best in the conference.

While Penn State was burying Wisconsin, them ol’ #11 Gators was busy knocking the snot out of da #4 Bayou Bengals, #17 OK State handled #3 Mizzou, and #5 Texas whipped #1 Oklahoma, creating a shake-up in the Top Five and opening the door for the Nittany Lions to be sucked into the vacuum created by the free fall of Oklahoma, Missouri, and LSU from the unbeaten ranks. #2 Alabama had the week off. So, the polls came out this morning, and Penn State is #3.

OK, look, folks. The polls still don’t mean much at this juncture. Give it another month and they might. In the meanwhile, let’s not put any BCS speculation carts before any on-field performance horses, OK? (Don’t you love dorks who finish their sentences with “OK?” They’re usually receptionists in doctors’ offices. For example, “The doctor has several patients before you [even though you arrived on time] so it will be a little while, OK?” NO, GODDAMNIT! IT’S NOT OK! Usually, you think it but you don’t say it. You know your place. They know you know. They’ve got you by the balls. But I digress.) Anyhow, let’s not get into these crapola bar room discussions that center around whether an undefeated Big Ten team could go to the Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship (SSMNC) game if there were a once defeated Big Twelve or SEC team contending for that slot. ESPN has been beating this one to death for a couple of weeks now. We all know that the Big Twelve and SEC have conference championship games and that 13^th game makes it damn difficult for any team in those conferences to get through a season undefeated. SOME of us believe that the competition is stronger in both of those conferences than in the Big Ten. (This Turkey happens to believe that, at least for now.) Anyhow, there is a lot of football to be played yet for PSU, so why waste our time talking about things that might not even be an issue, and if they do become so, there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it, anyway.

Like my digressions? I’m crazy, you know. I once had a girlfriend who uttered the very same line in a matter-of-fact fashion when I took her for a walk on the beach after dinner. “I’m crazy, you know,” she said. She was and still is. It has been five years since I’ve seen her, but once in a while we exchange e-mails. I got one from her last night during the game. It said, “I live in kind of [a] convent now. I am telling you that because I think it will give you a smile.” Get thee to a nunnery! Good old Ophelia. She’s bonkers and so am I. Perhaps I belong in a convent, too. But I digress.

Here’s the deal. I’m going up to Homecoming. I’ll leave on Wednesday afternoon and will be gone for about a week. I might or might not get around to writing a preview of the Michigan game, but I will give it the old college try. If you make it to the game, I’ll be sitting in the club seats, second row from the top, right behind the goal posts. Look for the red wattles and the large beak.

Penn State will go into that game the overwhelming favorites with probably a wider spread than at any time ever in the past against Michigan. Michigan sure looks dreadful at this point, don’t they?

I’m fading out here.

Good night.

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Tags: college football, Nittany Lions, non-Sphincter Mode, Penn State Football, Sports, west coast offense
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Lackluster day for offense; great day for defense!

Sunday, October 5th, 2008

It is sad to this Turkey that in Joe Tiller’s final year of coaching the Purdue Boilermakers, the fans in West Lafayette are so indifferent as to leave large expanses of the stadium unfilled, lending a new meaning to their purloined concept of a “black-out.” Furthermore, it seemed apparent that Purdue played like they were going to lose and, in fact, threw in the towel in the fourth quarter when the outcome was still in doubt in everyone’s minds but their own.

On this day in West Lafayette, the Nittany Lions (6-0, 2-0 Big Ten) stretched their thus far undefeated streak a week further, surmounting the hapless and inept Boilermakers (2-3, 0-1 Big Ten) 20-6 and beating the 13.5 point spread by the slimmest of margins. They needed Purdue’s help to bring that off. Particularly ineffectual was Boilermaker freshman place kicker Chris Summers, who missed two field goals and an extra point, in other words all the kicks he attempted.

Evan Royster had a career day, rolling up 141 yards against Purdue’s inept defense. Had the game plan been less sphincteresque, he could have probably had twice that many. Instead, Paterno Road Mode decried that Royster would have to run up the gut repeatedly, even though Purdue’s defense had sold out to protect just that.

Once again, it appeared as if Penn State didn’t wake up until the second quarter. I hope these guys get over that soon! It is one thing to fall asleep against Temple, while it is quite another to fall asleep against Wisconsin, Michigan, or Ohio State. Be warned, guys! You dig a hole for yourselves with the best of the Big Ten and you might not climb out.

The Nittany Lion passing game consisted of short, sphincteristic passes. The deep ball was not in evidence at all. Daryll Clark was not as sharp as usual. This Turkey does not know whether or not to blame Clark for some of his sideline throws that went incomplete. He seemed to be throwing way to the outside of his receivers such that the ball would have to be caught outside the field of play with at least one foot in bounds. A couple of these would have required the services of Yao Ming, but when last I checked, the NBA Houston Rocket center was not moonlighting at Penn State. Methinks, though, that coaching might have been more to blame than Clark, who went 18-26 with no touchdowns or interceptions. The “better incomplete than intercepted” philosophy seemed to apply. Risk taking was minimal in this game, boys and girls.

The turf conditions were downright crappy. Players on both teams were slipping and falling. Perhaps some of the constipated game plan resulted from this. Huge divots appeared all over the field, as time after time, Royster and Green would try to cut and wind up on their ass. Here’s a snippet about that from FOS:

The Penn State players slipping all over the place, yet the field was wet? There was no rain in the area the day before the game nor Saturday. Royster and backup tailback Stephfon Green both changed cleats at halftime and seemed to have better footing from that point. Interestingly, while writers where doing their jobs in the press box after the game, sprinkler heads came up and began spraying the field with more water.

What I want to know, as I mentioned to zbeard during the game after having seen enough of this crap, is why Penn State’s Athletic Footwear Coach did not step in to make a cleat change sooner. I mean, come on, with all the big bucks Nike pays to the program for advertising, you’d think there would be enough of a variety of shoes to handle any turf conditions. So, why wait until halftime? Is that when the bell rings for getting thumbs out of asses?

Let’s give credit where it is due—in fact, long overdue. Josh Hull had a great day on defense, logging 11 tackles. After taking much heat from blogboys and mainstream press media alike all season and being defended as a “good football player” in last Tuesday’s press conference by his head coach, Josh finally had a great day and proved the old man right. Hats off to Hull. We hope you show up again next week to manhandle Wisconsin’s running tandem.

The PSU defense sparkled all over, although Purdue, as expected, was able to drive on them. Nevertheless, the Boilermakers were kept out of the end zone until the game was nearly over. Purdue quarterback Curtis Painter, who has been throwing 42 passes per game went 13-22 with no touchdowns and one ugly interception that resulted in Tiller pulling him in favor of Joey Elliott, who was able to move his team effectively down the field. But by then, it was too late.

The defensive line put pressure on Painter and contained the Purdue running game for the most part. Vaunted senior running back Kory Sheets, who was playing in the aftermath of a slight shoulder separation suffered in the Notre Dame game, was held to 59 yards on 18 carries.

On special teams, the Lions have improved their kickoff coverage measurably. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! Purdue had only 51 yards total for the three kicks they returned.

A couple of noteworthy injuries occurred in the second half. Two tight ends, Andrew Quarless and Mickey Shuler, were both hurt. Their status is presently unknown. Meanwhile, Jordan Norwood, still nursing a hamstring injury, did not play.

This Turkey is happy about a few things. First and foremost, it is good to know that the defense is not as shaky as I thought it might be and that Hull will be a contributor rather than a detractor. Second, I think that a game like this can serve to be instructive and inspirational—I hope for the coaches as well as the team. And finally, as the Nittany Lions head to Camp Randall, they now have a close Big Ten game under their belts, reinforcing the need to come to play—every down.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Big Ten, #14 Ohio State (5-1, 2-0 Big Ten) squeaked past #18 Wisconsin (3-2, 0-2 Big Ten), 20-17. Penn State will travel to Camp Randall Saturday to face a pissed off buncha Badgers, and we’ll be talking about that later in the week. You’ll also be pleased to note that Illinois (3-2, 1-1 Big Ten) and The Juiceroo whipped the snot out of Rich Rodriguez’ Michigan (2-3, 1-1 Big Ten), 45-20. The Lions beat Illinois convincingly last week and will face the Wolverines for their Homecoming game in Beaver Stadium in two weeks.

Head coach Joe Paterno remains one ahead of FSU’s Bobby Bowden in career wins, as the Seminoles edged Miami in a shoot-out a Pro Player Stadium, 41-39. Paterno coached the Purdue game from the press box because of his painfully injured leg, but he was able to hobble out onto the field at the game’s conclusion to shake hands with old friend Joe Tiller.

I wanted to dash this off before I go up to Gainesville for a day or so. I’ll be back later in the week to squawk about P. J. Hill, Travis Beckum, and the rest of those pesky Badgers.

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