The Nittany Turkey

The Idol wannabes performed on Tuesday, and save for a brilliant performance from David Archuleta, the 17 year-old who looks 13, it was a pretty mundane night.

Dolly Parton’s guest mentorship meant that we would be hearing naught but Dollysongs. Alas, one of those was also a Whitneysong, performances of which in the Whitney style typically cause both my Idol partner, the Redhead, and I, the Nittany Turkey, to blow chunks. Syesha Mercado did the dirty deed with I Will Always Love You, and we both threw up. (I haven’t emptied my vomit bucket yet, just in case she is voted off tonight and gets to sing it again.)

Anyway, in addition to Archuleta’s, credible performances by David Cook and Michael Johns secured the victory for the ballsful contingent. Of the guys, only Jason Castro, who must have been starstruck after Dolly fondled his dreds, actually sucked.

As for the ballsless squad, the stage was replete with a veritable miasma of assorted drek. Carly Smithson delivered the best the breastful ones could muster, but it was nothing close to a knockout punch. Little Ramiele Malubay with the great big voice and somewhat chubby legs looked a little more comfortable than she had been of late, but nothing about her number renewed my faith in her being around at the end. Brooke White sang in whiter shades of pale vanilla white. Non-memorable and bland. The only babe performance of note was horse-girl Kristy Lee Cook, she of the great altitude and fine, fine, superfine legs. They even looked good as she pranced around the stage barefoot. Yeah, I won’t mind keeping her around for another week. Oh yeah, she sang, too, and she does country pretty well. It’s her thing, you know.

So, upon about six seconds thought, one of the following three must go this week: Syesha, Brooke, or Ramiele, not necessarily in that order. A dark horse for odd man out would be Jason Castro, but this Turkey thinks his hair will keep the teen votes coming for at least another week.

Results tonight on Fox.

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Tonight, Dolly Parton is the guest singer on American Idol. I just can’t wait to hear Syesha singing country glitz, but Kristy Lee and Brooke should be right in their element. More interesting will be how David Cook manages to transform country to rock. This will be a week that rewards careful song selection and performing versatility, man.

Yet one more time, I don’t see Kristy going down this week. And you can take dat to da bank!

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…and a delectable butt it is! Kristy Lee Cook, the American Idol wannabe who I’ve been giving the boot for the past three weeks saved her ass with a decent performance of Lee Greenwood’s Proud to Be an American. So, her tall blondness is safe for yet another week. But who goes?

It won’t be Michael Johns, the Australian Atlantan, who pulls out Queen when he needs to save his own ass, and he did, and he did.

It sure as hell won’t be David Cook, whose unique performance of Billie Jean left no one wanting to hear that freak who made a hit out of its original version 2o-some years ago and it left the judges cooing and raving about Cook’s genius.

It definitely won’t be David Archuleta—just because he has 100% of the 9-17 year-old demographic sewn up and he can sometimes sing, too.

It probably won’t be Brooke White, who did Every Breath You Take and sounded pretty good.

I don’t think it should be Chikezie just because Randy thinks he did an 80s soul song in an 80s manner. His voice is a wonderful and powerful instrument. He sang an old song with feeling.

Not Syesha Mercado, either. She of the pretty smile delivered a serviceable Whitney-style performance of If I Were Your Woman. I don’t like listening to all the Whitney Houston clones out there, but the performance will save her for another week.

Dum-de-dum-dum. Here’s your Bottom Three:

Would Carly Smithson please step down on stage. Carly, you sang Total Eclipse of the Heart. Judges thought it was the wrong song for you and it missed the mark. This Turkey thinks that it is hard to shake the mental image of Bonnie Tyler’s original performance while watching Carly do her sort of workmanlike rendition. She’s a legend in her own mind, but she’s…moving on to the next round. You are safe, Carly.

Ramiele Malubay, little girl with big voice, you sang Alone. You were the lead-off hitter and you weren’t feeling well. The judges thought you sucked. The Turkey thinks you should move on to next week with that powerful voice of yours.

Jason Castro, you sang Fragile. Judges thought it was dull. This Turkey thinks that you are a nice kid, but you are too shy and lacking in personality to be a star. Furthermore, it was a fragile performance of Fragile. Jason, it’s the end of the road for you, guy, but you’ll be joining us for our Idol Tour.

America has voted and… (find out tonight).

Leo Durocher said it, Jason: Nice guys finish last. On this particular occasion, we’ll probably be saying goodbye to this nice guy. You’re a good kid and we’ll miss your weird hairdo, but you’re outta here!

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On American Idol Tuesday night, the seventeen year-old who looks all of thirteen, David Archuleta, stole the show. He will have no problems advancing to the next round. Hell, even in a bad week he probably gets more votes than anyone else because he is king with the age 9-17 demographic. Carly Smithson, Ramiele Malubay, Syesha Mercado, and David Cook also turned in credible performances, not necessarily in that order.

Who were the duds? Well, I’ve mentioned six names, so there were five significantly subpar acts, from this Turkey’s standpoint. This is elimination day, so we’ll dwell on the negative for a bit. Kristy Lee Cook will be the goodbye girl this week. I said it last week and I am not giving up. Unlike Sanjaya last year, whom I kept eliminating week after week until the sense and reason of the voting public finally caught up with me, Kristy cannot possibly have a huge base of committed voters spurred on by Howard Stern. In fact, anyone with any sense of what comprises “star quality” would jump off Kristy’s sinking ship at this point no matter where they wore their socks. Yeah, only old farts like this Turkey, who wouldn’t mind seeing Kristy’s statuesque blondness hang around another few weeks would vote for her at this point. I really did like her sassiness telling Simon that she could knock his socks off any day and he knew it. Alas, I do not believe that she’ll be around another week to do any socks-knocking.

Brooke White better watch her ass, too. She looked silly in a bright yellow 1960’s go-go shift as she sang “Here Comes the Sun.” Simon was all too happy to point out that he could have predicted when he heard her song selection that she would come out in a yellow dress with yellow lighting. Sarcastic, but it hit the mark.

Chikezie, after being last week’s star, took a big chance and blew it this week. Admitting that he hadn’t ever picked up a harmonica until this week, he incorporated it into his performance. He’s getting a bit formulaic, starting slowly, changing gears, and then energizing his act. In this case, he threw in a harmonica solo just before the gear change when he should have backed off on the gas and double-clutched.

Michael Johns tried to take a big, long song in “A Day in the Life” and condense it to the requisite one-and-a-half minutes. It was a failure. He’s personable, he can sing, and he’s got a lot of fans, but he has to choose his material better. In this case, he said it was a departed friend’s favorite song.

Finally, Amanda Overmyer didn’t choose the right song, either, in “Back in the U.S.S.R.” She was one of my favorites for a while, but there is an inevitable sameness about everything she does now.

So, here’s to you, Kristy Lee Cook…I’ll miss those legs.

P.S.

On the judging front, Paula seemed actually lucid for the second time in a row. Simon was his usual acerbic self, but it was pretty much an off night. Fortunately, there was not very much fight picking between Seacrest and Cowell.