The Nittany Turkey

OXFORD, UK, April 1, 2008—The NFL has been trying to crack the English market for quite some time now, but it is not under that aegis that former Penn State Nittany Lion quarterback Anthony Morelli soon will be packing his bags and setting sail for Jolly Olde England.

Rather unexpectedly, the Rhodes Trust has announced that Mr. Morelli will be the recipient of the vaunted Rhodes Scholarship. Morelli will matriculate into the Masters program in Parks and Recreation Management at Oxford in the fall.

As a Rhodes scholar, Morelli will enjoy access to Rhodes House, an early 20th Century mansion with numerous public rooms, gardens, a library, study areas, and other facilities. In honor of Morelli and his unique skills, Sir Cecil Rhodes, grandson of the programme’s founder, Cecil John Rhodes, agreed to hang a lorry tyre in the garden so as to keep young Anthony’s legendary arm in shape.

Only 32 such scholarships are available to U.S. students each year. Morelli is not the first athlete to have received this prestigious award, following in the footsteps of former New York Knickerbocker forward and U.S. Senator Bill Bradley and Los Angeles Rams quarterback Pat Haden.

The Turkey’s reporters attempted to interview Morelli; however, initially, calls to the Morelli residence were not returned. Later, Morelli picked up the phone, quite by accident.

“I don’t want to talk,” Morelli said, hastily hanging up the phone.

We finally found Greg Morelli, Anthony’s father, who explained his son’s brusque withdrawal.

“I haven’t let you guys talk to my son since the Michigan game. You gotta have that kind of skin,” the elder Morelli said. “I think maybe he’s frustrated with himself. I don’t think he’s frustrated with anything the coaches have done. He’s frustrated with the loss.”

When asked what the hell that had to do with the Rhodes Scholarship, Mr. Morelli responded, “Oxford needs a quarterback and Anthony doesn’t need to be dealing with your negative crap while he’s trying out for the position!”

“You can’t fumble the ball,” Greg Morelli droned on. “You gotta take care of the ball. He knows that, he’ll rectify that.”

The Turkey’s reporting staff left the Morelli house scratching their head feathers.

Morelli’s erstwhile head coach, Joe Paterno, responded to questions. “Huh? Morelli? The quarterback, you mean? He’s a good kid. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Morelli has booked passage on Cunard’s Queen Mary II, departing from New York, in July. He will be accompanied by his entourage, including bodyguard Lavon Chisley, who is out of prison on the work-release program while serving his sentence for murder. A gay time is expected to be had by all.

The scholarships are administered and awarded by the Rhodes Trust which was established in 1902 under the terms and conditions of the will of Cecil John Rhodes, and funded by his estate. Scholarships have been awarded to applicants annually since 1904 on the basis of academic achievement and strength of character. There have been over 7,000 Rhodes Scholars since the inception of the Trust. Over 4,000 are still living.

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Let’s start out with the bad boys—those whose names made the papers and the trial dockets.

Among the missing are Chris Bell, Andrew Quarless, Phillip Taylor, Chris Baker, Navorro Bowman, and Knowledge Timmons. This might or might not mean that they’re off the team, as Joe has demonstrated in similar instances of the past. Willie Harriott, Tyrell Sales, and Anthony Scirrotto are on the spring roster, so being a linebacker or being in the short-staffed defensive secondary obviously helps.

There have been some number changes, too. Notable are Justin King’s #1 going to A.J. Wallace and #4 going to Knowledge Timmons, if he ever gets back on the team. It is presumed that he chose the number because of its representation of the Figure Four, a famous submission hold in professional wrestling.

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Spring practice drills started today at 4 PM and the Turkey is here with some news reported by Scout.com about the morning meeting, in which head coach Joe Paterno kicked off the session by addressing the team with particular attention to the suspended players involved in various off-field incidents. It should be noted that the meeting started at 6:30 AM, which is pretty damn early, and it seemed that Joe was particularly irascible toward the troublemakers: Baker, Bell, Bowman, Quarless, Taylor, and Timmons. According to Scout.com:

Multiple sources said Paterno reviewed the list of pending legal issues facing the suspended players in question. He then stated that Baker, Bell and Timmons should consider transferring from PSU and also stated “The staff has no plans for [Chris] Bell,” according to the sources.

None of those guys will be practicing with the team until further notice. We’ll see what happens. Joe has been known to talk tough and then back off in the past.

Tyrell Sales was not on the shit list. The previously reported charges against him for an incident in a Pittsburgh bar have been dropped.

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I’ve been doing the three things I said I wouldn’t do as the off-season rolled around: dwelling on the Pryor recruitment morass, documenting off-field legal incidents, and speculating about the future of the head coaching position at Penn State. Call me a hypocrite, a liar, whatever. I answer to those names. Anyhow, with Pryor safely committed to tOSU and off-field incidents now just expected background noise, my attention has turned to the Paterno situation.

In this morning’s Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Ron Musselman wrote an overblown piece about that very issue, with the trigger being the PSU Board of Trustees meeting today and tomorrow at Washington DC’s historic Mayflower Hotel. All Musselman needed to sell some newspapers was the following quote from an anonymous trustee: “It’ll definitely be on the menu.” So, we’ll just leave it with the facts. There’s a Board of Trustees meeting today and tomorrow. If you want vacuously embellished fluff, read Musselman’s piece.

So, you wonder why I opt for the distraction of American Idol with all this great stuff going on? Yeah, right, even the mindless American Idol is more entertaining than jumping to conclusions every time Curley or Spanier farts! Too bad Musselman doesn’t have that option.