Solution for Offensive Line Issues?

Penn State Traffic Cones Welcome New JuCo Transfer

The Nittany Lions’ offensive line woes have been a sad fact of football life for the past two seasons and they don’t appear to be going away anytime soon. The situation is so dire that here at the Turkey, we have adopted the moniker “Five Traffic Cones” to describe the offensively offensive guys in the trenches at Penn State. While they are equally bad at creating running room and establishing pass protection, it is the latter function that is in need of being addressed with alacrity, before star quarterback Christian Hackenberg gets killed back there. I mean, ten sacks in the Temple game — come on! ??? ???? ???  

The acquisition of behemoth JuCo transfer Paris Palmer at left tackle was supposed to help, but then in Palmer’s debut, Sackenberg was Hacked 10 times already, even. By Temple! Oy Vay. So, Palmer is a dud.

In the Buffalo game, right tackle Andrew Nelson was moved to left tackle to replace Palmer. Alas, he was seriously injured at the close of the first half, and Palmer had to assume the position. Back to square one. While there were no adverse effects, we have to understand that Buffalo didn’t offer much opposition defensively. Accordingly, we still have great concerns about the Five Traffic Cones ever slowing down the pass rush.

But hope springs eternal! One of the Turkey’s spies has obtained secret photos of the latest JuCo transfer from Jeff Nelson’s office at Penn State. While Jeff hadn’t intended to leak this to the media just yet, this turkey felt that it was his journalistic responsibility to inform my vast readership of this hopeful landmark event. ????? ??? ??? ?????

“The Answer”, with all due respect to Allen Iverson (probably too much respect there), is our new left tackle, 5’6″, 135 lb left tackle Vicki “The Answer” Pryzybla, of Kilgore Junior College in Kilgore, Texas. Pictured below, the new acquisition will slow down the opponents’ pass rush in concert with the other Traffic Cones (also pictured below). We all welcome Vicki and we sincerely hope that she is, indeed, The Answer. ??? ???? ?????