Iowa 25, Penn State 24
If what? Penn State interim head coach Terry Smith bestowed tee shirts bearing a single word “If” on his inherited team before the Iowa game. If they would have won, we still would have been asking “If what?”. But, predictably, they did not. I guess it meant, “If we lose this game, we’ll be the only FBS team to have lost all its games against the spread thus far this year.”
What Might Have Been
Despite two touchdowns gift-wrapped by the defense, despite finally remembering that Kaytron Allen exists, despite a moment of insanity by the usually sane and stable Kirk Ferentz, and despite facing a quarterback who throws like a man skipping stones, Penn State still found a way to snatch defeat from the greedy jaws of victory.
That’s four straight losses, folks — a new high-water mark in this season’s sea of mediocrity.
Discovering Kaytron Allen was key, albeit in a losing effort, as he provided the bulk of the offense with his 28 carries for 145 yards and two touchdowns. Ethan Grunkemeyer, in his first start, was 15-28 for 93 yards with 2 interceptions.
Defense? What Defense?
Calling this defense “porous” is like calling the Titanic “damp.” These guys couldn’t stop a brisk tailwind, much less plodding Iowa quarterback Mark Gronowski, who, despite looking like he was auditioning for a Midwestern tractor commercial, ran for 130 yards and two touchdowns. The less-than-mobile Iowa quarterback, just coming off an injury, was the Hawkeyes’ leading rusher in a 245 total yard rushing offense. Kamari Moulton added 17 carries for 99 yards.
You’d think after getting bootlegged into oblivion by Gronowski three or four times, somebody on the sideline might have noticed a pattern. But no — the genius minds running the defense apparently assumed that doing the same thing repeatedly would yield a different result.
Jim Knowles, the alleged defensive mastermind imported for big bucks, might consider refunding part of his paycheck. Either that, or start sending thank-you notes to opposing offensive coordinators for keeping him employed.
The defensive line? Zero sacks, zero pride, zero clue. Watching them lumber after Gronowski was like watching sumo wrestlers chase a squirrel. Dani Dennis-Sutton, the vaunted rusher, was basically absent.
Ferentz’s Fever Dream
If you needed comic relief, Kirk Ferentz delivered. With six seconds left in the first half, he apparently decided that physics no longer applied and sent his kicker out for a 66-yard field goal attempt. It was blocked and joyously returned for a touchdown — Penn State’s only moment of competence all night.
Ferentz is the most experienced coach in the Big Ten. After this gem, I’d say the longest tenured head coach in all the FBS is also the most experienced hallucinogen enthusiast. Maybe someone spiked his Gatorade with ayahuasca, because no sober man calls that kick. If someone from the Penn State sideline somehow engineered that move, it was their most brilliant call of the evening.
Grunkemeyer’s Baptism of Fire
Enter Ethan Grunkemeyer, redshirt freshman, deer in headlights, lamb to the slaughter. To his credit, he didn’t vomit in the huddle or set himself on fire.
The poor kid got tossed into Kinnick at night, in the wind and drizzle, with a half-hearted O-line and wide receivers who couldn’t beat a tackling dummy in coverage. He tried to make things happen, but he runs like a cross between Drew Allar and a drunken duck.
Still, he showed flashes of competence — a smaller, more mobile Allar who actually seems to have attended the “Aim Before You Throw” school of quarterbacking.
Terry Smith’s Uphill March
Meanwhile, interim head coach Terry Smith stood on the sideline, probably wondering what sins he committed in a past life to deserve this. Taking over mid-season is tough; taking over this Penn State team is an act of self-flagellation.
He’s had less than a week to rebuild morale, rework the offense, and convince these guys that tackling isn’t optional. The poor man needs holy water, duct tape, WD-40, and a miracle worker — in that order. If he can coax even one more win out of this crew, canonization may be in order.
The Road Ahead: Bleak with a Chance of Humiliation
At this point, bowl eligibility is a fantasy, and “playing for pride” seems a bridge too far. With Ohio State and Indiana looming, Penn State could easily stumble into November with the kind of record that gets printed in italics to denote shame — like 3-6 going into the Moo U. game.
Maybe they can squeak past Moo U. or Rutgers if the Scarlet Knights overindulge at Thanksgiving. As for Nebraska, even they managed to get smoked by Minnesota, so perhaps the Turkey’s crystal ball shows a faint glimmer of mercy — but don’t count on it. What about Nebraska, you ask? They just got clobbered by Minnesota, but they’re coached by Matt Rhule, who the head-up-the-ass Sanguinarians want to be Penn State’s next head coach, so they must be good enough to beat the Nittany Lions, right?
At season’s outset when Penn State and its media buddies proclaimed the program #1 or #2. The Nittany Lions were a shoo-in for the playoffs. Unthinkable back then, the probability of a fetid 3-9 finish is now odds-on.
Closing Thoughts: Pass the Prozac
This season has become an endurance test — for players, fans, and anyone unfortunate enough to write about it. The Sanguinarians, once dreaming of the CFP and the SSMNC, now curl up in the fetal position, whispering, “There’s always next year.”
Terry Smith, bless his soul, has inherited a dumpster fire rolling downhill toward Columbus. He’ll need every ounce of charisma, caffeine, and divine intervention to make it look like football again.
Until then, the Turkey retreats to his roost to lick his feathers and ponder the eternal question:
How do you lose four straight games with this much talent and still manage to look surprised?
I’ll be back after a much-needed respite to give you a Captain Obvious preview of the Ohio State game.
