Hoedown at the Horseshoe

Penn State (3-4, 0-4 Big Ten) at #1 Ohio State (7-0, 4-0 Big Ten), Noon, TV: Fox

The “What Might Have Been” Game

Yes, it might have been a pivotal moment in Penn State’s season — IF… Well, if you’ve been following the four straight losses, you know where I’m going. The Nittany Lions travel to Columbus to meet their maker in this year’s edition of the disavowed rivalry with Ohio State. The Lions have nothing to lose, except another conference game and their fleeting bowl eligibility.

Hah! Bowl eligibility? They would need to win three of their remaining five games. Well, don’t despair. The Sani-Flush Toilet Bowl in Kohler, Wisconsin wouldn’t be a desirable winter party stop, anyway. Besides, it doesn’t get easier from here, with the Hoosiers looming next week. A #1-#2 punch? Whatever!

Will the Sun Shine on Our Soldiers of Fortune?

So, what are their chances here? Slim and none? I would say less than none. ESPN’s Matchup Predictor gives Ohio State an 88.1% chance of winning, while the gamblers have established the Schmuckeyes as 20.5-point favorites. Still, there are “moral victory” opportunities. Play hard, make tackles (for a change), maybe even get some downfield opportunities offensively, and who knows. We could wind up with a respectable score, like tOSU 52, PSU 10. Or, keep slacking off, especially the high-priced receiving corps, and wind up with a true blowout.

To compound matters, it’s a noon start on the road — in the Eastern Time Zone. The Nittany Lions are slow-starters under ordinary circumstances, and they seem perennially compelled to uphold that well-deserved reputation. But noon starts? Noon starts are special! The ramp-ups are even slower than usual, as players come out of the tunnel with what Urban Meyer (who is NOT going to be Penn State’s next head coach, dumbasses) used to call “that dullard look”.

With injuries to Drew Allar and Tony Rojas, and half the remaining team acting like the season is over, who the hell knows what kind of effort we’ll see. Offensively, they’ll hand the ball off to Kaytron Allen 25 times and pray. Defensively, the line will lose its battles all day. It ain’t looking pretty. So, let me shift gears and give you some filler material that will take your mind off the coming disaster.

When Men Were Men…

Back in 1964, I was a sophomore at Penn State. The unranked lions traveled to Columbus to face the mighty #2 Buckeyes, in what all the pundits thought would be a walkover for Woody Hayes‘ bullies. They were dead wrong. The Lions were truly lions, while the Schmuckeyes were the lambs. Read about the complete domination by the upstart Nittany Lions in 1964 in one of my most popular posts, last published in 2015.

That 27-0 win was my most memorable Penn State game ever, although I was relegated to listening to it on the radio. Back in the days before college football was a big money circus, there was but one “game of the week” on TV. Penn State, an Eastern independent, was typically overlooked. We were not expected to be competitive against Syracuse, let alone mighty Ohio State. So, no TV. Oh, what they missed that Saturday!

After the improbable victory, I joined the celebratory mob downtown, where we all had the jubilant time of our Baby Boomer lives. Much like Woodstock five years later, everyone from my generation was there, at least in spirit and in lies. Yet another generational event to look back on!

What Are the Chances of Something Like That Happening This Trip to Columbus?

Remember, though, that huge upset was in 1964 — back in the day when Penn State players were paid in pride, cafeteria meatloaf, and maybe a pat on the back from Rip Engle if they didn’t fumble. Those guys played for the love of the game, not the love of the direct deposit. They studied by day and knocked the snot out of the nation’s #2 team by Saturday. Cohesion was built in practice and in the huddle, not on Instagram Live.

Fast-forward sixty-one years, and “team chemistry” now comes with an asterisk and a price tag. The 2025 Nittany Lions are a collection of highly compensated “student-athletes” who’d sue you for calling them students. NIL and the transfer portal have turned college football into NFL Lite — without the quality control. Every time a wideout drops a pass, you can practically hear the cash register sound effect from The Price Is Right.

With all the millions sunk into the receiver room, you’d think at least one of them could get open against an average Big Ten secondary. But no — separation, like humility, is an outdated concept in this brave new era of branding and sponsorships. These guys run crisp routes only when the camera’s rolling for their energy drink endorsements.

Am I being harsh? You bet your ass I am!

And leadership? Forget it. We’ve got a quarterback recovering from ankle surgery and existential dread cheerleading on the sidelines, a linebacker wrapped in enough Kinesio tape to qualify as papier-mâché, and an earn-while-you-learn coaching staff praying for a merciful end to this ugly season. You’ve got playbooks that change faster than the transfer portal notifications on a disgruntled sophomore’s phone. Firing the head coach midseason might have been the only decisive move this program has made this year — and even that looks like an audition for Hard Knocks: State College Edition.

James Franklin might look back at the decision as the best thing that happened to him in 12 years at Penn State, while he collects his payout on the way to Virginia Tech or wherever.

So, what are the chances of another 27–0 miracle in Columbus? About the same as an NIL collective refunding its donors for “nonperformance.” Rip Engle’s boys once pulled off the impossible through discipline, unity, and a shared dream. This bunch? They’ll be lucky to pull off their gloves after warmups without a trainer and a nanny.

Still, I suppose miracles can happen — though in modern college football, they usually involve compliance departments, not scoreboards.

Da Wedda

AccuJacWeather is calling for what we Yinzers would call “a clahdy day” with a high of 54 and a low of 40. Breezy, with a 25% chance of rain. The breeziness might make Penn State even less likely to engage in verticality than they normally are, so I reiterate that they’ll be handing the ball to Kaytron a lot.

Da Bottom Lion

Notice the subheading play on words? I’m getting clever in my old age when I have nothing good to say and want to distract myself from the inevitable Official Turkey Poop Pessimistic Prognostication, a pile of awful offal straight from the geriatric cloaca of this foul old fowl. (I always enjoy writing that embellished bullshit — but I digress).

Let us get to the monkey business at hand, mateys. As I mentioned, the Schmuckeyes are favored by 20.5, and I’ll now add that the over/under is 45.5 at present. OMG, we’re in overlay territory! I think tOSU can score that many points all by themselves against this porous PSU defense! The gamblers have continually shown excessive faith in PSU this year, and you would have been quite happy had you bet against the Nittany Lions covering the spread in all but one game. What the books see as break-even is a final score like Ohio State 33, Penn State 13. Do you really believe it’ll be that close?

It’s at the Horseshoe, where Minnesota couldn’t row their damn boat a few weeks ago. Verily, the not-so-Golden Gophers capsized, 42-3. That was the last home game for the Bucks, back on October 5. The scarlet and gray warriors are going to be glad to be back home with all home crowd noise, the band dotting the damn “I”, and the High Street bars serving roofies to 18 year-olds. In the Minnesota game, the OSU defense held the Golden Gophers to 11 first downs all day and 162 total yards while rising star quarterback Julian Sayin was 23-27 plus 3 TDs. Given the noon start coupled with the complete lack of enthusiasm we’ve observed in the Penn State offense, defense, and special teams, I cannot be optimistic — but when have I ever? Ohio State 45.5, Penn State 6. (See what I did there?) Take the over.

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I’ll be back after the game to recap the latest denouement.