So much for “turning the corner.”
Penn State is now 3-5, 0-5 in the Big Ten, and playing out the string under Terry Smith. Our heroes looked like they didn’t want to be there in Columbus. A couple of them came to play; the rest mentally stayed home. This is a team that is showing all possible signs of having mentally lain themselves to rest.
Thursday night in Columbus merely confirmed the obituary.
Ohio State Domination
The Schmuckeyes, led by Julian Sayin—a competent but hardly legendary OSU quarterback—carved up Penn State’s secondary like a practice squad: 20-of-23 for 316 yards and four touchdowns.
That’s 87 percent completions. Against this pass defense, Villanova would do at least 75. Just Sayin’.
And once the Buckeyes got bored throwing, they ran at will, piling up 164 yards on the ground. In the fourth quarter they didn’t even bother pretending it was a contest; they just lined up and ground clock while Penn State’s defenders looked around for someone else to make a tackle. None appeared.
The stat line tells you everything you need to know about the “attack” from the supposedly elite front seven:
Zero sacks.
Not one.
The only Lion defender who looked alive was Amari Campbell, who logged eight tackles (five solo) and at least seemed embarrassed.
Offensively (highly), the offensive brain trust produced a “plan” that could fit on a cocktail napkin:
Hand the ball to Kaytron Allen 21 times and pray.
He ran hard—he always does—but when your offensive creativity ends at the line of scrimmage and you have an offensive line that makes up for not run blocking by not pass protecting, you’re not out-scheming anyone. The passing game was little more than freshman Ethan Grunkemeyer trying to survive behind an offensive line that quit (if they ever had an inkling about playing). He was sacked four times by the swarming Schmuckeyes. (That has a certain ring to it, eh?)
What Remains (and why bother?)
- Nov 8 – Indiana (Home): a sure loss. The Hoosiers are #2 in the nation and playing like it; Penn State’s closer to #198—your Turkey pulled that number out of his copious cloaca, but it feels about right.
- Nov 15 – Michigan State: maybe a street fight, maybe a pity party.
- Nov 22 – Nebraska: not friendly territory.
- Nov 29 – Rutgers (Home): pray the Scarlet Knights overdo the Thanksgiving stuffing; that might be the season’s lone chance at competence.
Bowl eligibility? Fuggedaboudit! Pride? Missing in action. Hope? On injured reserve.
Turkey’s Bottom Line
- Record: 3-5 (0-5 Big Ten)
- Coach: Terry Smith, flying a holding pattern until the search committee chooses Franklin’s successor (and no, dorks, it won’t be Urban Meyer)
- Pass Defense: burned for 316 and 4 TDs.
- Rush Defense: 164 yards allowed.
- Lines: Both Offensive and Defensive — suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
- Sacks: 0.
- Only Defensive Pulse: Amari Campbell, 8 tackles.
- Offense: Kaytron Allen 21 carries and a prayer.
The interim coaches talk about “finishing strong.” The Turkey calls it “flushing quietly.”
Ohio State 38, Penn State 14.
The roar is gone; only the gurgle remains.
I’ll be back mid-week with a loot at the forthcoming Indiana loss.
