A Nittany Turkey Field Report from the Other Side of the Fence
While Penn State’s bumbling head-coach search committee continues to cling to false hopes — and somehow keeps driving what seem like worthwhile candidates to go running for the hills — our old pal James Franklin has been busy in Blacksburg charming the maroon-and-orange masses like he’s selling extended warranties on used Buicks.
Yes, while we anxiously await word from Pat Kraft’s Witness Protection Program for Athletic Directors, Virginia Tech fans are over on Facebook throwing rose petals, rice, and probably a couple of leftover turkey legs at Franklin’s feet.
Let us observe.
Act I: Hokie Honeymoon Hysteria
Some VT folks are already declaring Franklin a “class act,” an “excellent speaker,” and a man who “always says the right things.”
Well, yes. That’s the whole problem.
James Franklin always says the right things. The man could sweet-talk a malfunctioning Hamilton Beach blender into believing it’s a VitaMix.
One Hokie even claimed Franklin “gave his heart and soul” to Penn State.
I’d say he gave us a good, sturdy lease with an optional buy-out clause — but let’s not ruin their romance with reality. They’re smitten. Let them enjoy the glow before they learn about the fourth-quarter conservatism and the strange gravitational field that pulls every Franklin-coached team into the same November wormhole.
Act II: Penn Staters Crash the Facebook Reception
Naturally, PSU fans — aka “trolls” — arrived uninvited to the VT Facebook wedding banquet, bearing the gifts no one asked for:
- “2–23 in big games.”
- “Play-not-to-lose artist.”
- “Five-star QB hospice.”
- “You’ll love him… until you don’t.”
It was like watching bitter exes ambush a bridal shower. The Hokies didn’t know what hit them.
VT fans responded the only way new partners do in this situation:
“LOL you’re just jealous.”
Yes, sweetheart — we’re jealous. Jealous like someone who traded in a 12-year-old glitchy BMW for a reliable Honda and now watches the next owner brag about the heated seats that sometimes work.
But wait. Where the hell is the reliable Honda, Pat Kraft? Something about a Honda in the hand is worth two in the bush? Or two dozen? Coaching candidates, I mean. But I digress.
Act III: JoePa’s Ghost Enters the Chat
At one point a middle-aged Penn Stater unloaded a blistering sermon on the “young spoiled shits” of PSU fandom, scolding them for lacking “class” and claiming Paterno would be embarrassed.
Look, Paterno was embarrassed by a lot of things. But Facebook arguments? Please. Remember his reference to Twitter as “Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee”?
He’d shrug and go back to breaking down film on a 9-inch CRT.
Still, watching Penn Staters fight each other while fighting Hokies while we don’t even have a coach —it’s almost comforting in its dysfunction.
Act IV: The Hokies Learn the Language
As the thread grew, the Virginia Tech faithful began encountering the Franklinisms we know by heart:
- “Obviously, obviously, obviously…”
- “Same shit he said at PSU.”
- “Insert VA for PA for the next decade.”
- “He’ll recruit like Zeus and coach like your uncle who forgets the kids’ names at Thanksgiving.”
One Miami fan even showed up to explain things to everyone, because if there’s one program America looks to for guidance, it’s Miami.
Act V: When Reality Finally Peeks Through the Window
Sure, the Hokies are excited now.
Their recruiting class jumped from the low 100s to #22 in a day — which, to a program starving for relevance, probably feels like finding a twenty-dollar bill in an old winter coat.
But folks… we’ve seen this movie.
We bought the DVD.
We watched the director’s commentary.
We lived through the sequels.
Franklin gives you hope. He gives you hype. He gives you a recruiting bump.
And then November arrives and your blood pressure spikes to numbers that violate OSHA standards.
He’s the best coach in America at building the hot-air balloon.
He’s the worst coach in America at landing the damn thing.
Final Thought From a Turkey Sitting on the Fencepost
While Penn State fans wait for the coaching search committee, namely Pat Kraft, to emerge from whatever locked padded cell they’re currently in — presumably arguing whether to offer the job to Terry Smith, Prunella the Psychic Groundhog, or a Magic 8 Ball — at least we can take comfort watching this Facebook drama unfold.
Virginia Tech thinks they’ve found The One.
Bless their hearts.
From here in Happy Valley, we raise a toast:
Good luck, Hokies. The Franklin Experience™ is fun… until the warranty expires.
