Well, Rumor Has It…
Multiple national outlets report that Penn State and Iowa State’s Matt Campbell have agreed to broad terms and are in final negotiations to make him the next Nittany Lion head coach, pending formal approval.
I knew you’d ask what the geniuses on Facebook are saying, so here goes!
Facebook Reacts to the Matt Campbell Rumors: A Field Guide to Online Ornithology
If you ever wondered what it would look like if Noah opened the ark’s doors midway through a Category 5 hurricane, wonder no longer — because the Penn State fanbase has spoken, and boy, do they regret having the internet.
The Terry Smith Loyalists
These folks view Terry as the divinely anointed heir to JoePa, Moses, and possibly Beyoncé. The mere mention of Matt Campbell sends them into lamentations. Some claim this “slap in the face” means they’re switching to Ohio State — because nothing says “principled stand” like defecting to the Evildoers of Columbus. Others hope Terry grabs all the players and leaves in a glorious biblical Exodus. (Yes, someone actually invoked “Exodus” as if wide receivers will wander the desert for 40 years.)
The Doomsday Prophets
These are the people convinced the Campbell hire marks the official end of civilization. According to them, Penn State football is now:
- ruined,
- set back 20 years,
- doomed to “mediocracy” (their word, not mine),
- and on the verge of losing every recruit, player, donor, season-ticket holder, and possibly the Creamery’s patented Peachy Paterno recipe.
Several assure us they’re “done with the program,” which always lasts until the next 9–3 season.
The Franklin 2.0 Truthers
These fine scholars discovered via Infallible Google Search that Matt Campbell once shared oxygen with Nick Sirianni, which — in their minds — makes him James Franklin 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, and possibly the director’s cut. They cite Campbell’s record, Campbell’s failures, Campbell’s inability to beat Ohio State, Oregon, Michigan, Iowa, gravity, and time itself. At least one guy is still mad that Colorado beat Iowa State. In the same year. In a sport involving 22 players. Somehow this is Penn State’s fault.
The “Fire Kraft!” Crowd
A proud Penn State tradition: whatever goes wrong, fire the AD. Kraft is accused of botching the search, losing recruits, taking too long, taking the wrong amount of time, not landing a “big name,” and mishandling the sacred ritual of appeasing Facebook Comment Section Shamans. According to one gentleman, after this hire, the Board of Trustees can “shove his tickets” somewhere the sun doesn’t shine — a bold strategy for someone still planning to attend games.
The Culture-Police Gatekeepers
Several commenters gravely inform us that Matt Campbell is not a Penn State guy, which apparently disqualifies him from coaching football in State College. One declares another commenter “obviously ignorant of Penn State culture,” which is an unintentionally perfect summary of the comment thread itself.
The Optimists (Yes, They Exist)
A few brave souls venture that Campbell is… a good hire. Not great, but good. Or maybe excellent. Maybe even a “home run.” These people are immediately drowned out by everyone else screaming that we’ve made the worst decision since the linebackers let JJ McCarthy convert a 3rd-and-17.
The Conspiracy Theorists
These are the people who believe:
- Pat Kraft has secret tapes.
- Campbell is hiring Sandusky as defensive coordinator.
- Fake news is involved.
- This is all a plot.
Of what variety? Doesn’t matter. They’re working on it.
The Stat Dump Guy
Every thread has one: the guy who, upon hearing rumors of a coaching hire, posts a JPEG of recruiting rankings as if he’s Adam Schefter crossed with a disgruntled actuary. This gentleman dutifully reminds us that Iowa State recruited like Iowa State. The world gasps.
The Pure Nihilists
These commenters simply type variations of:
- “UGH.”
- “Eew!”
- “Terrible terrible terrible terrible.”
- “No good!”
- “Awful.”
- “Smfh.”
These are the haiku poets of Fan Rage.
The Straw That Broke the Camelback Guy
One fan declares he is “no longer a Penn State fan,” even though he was “born and raised 50 minutes down the road.” This is a classic Facebook departure vow — right up there with “I’m deleting this app,” followed by 900 more posts this week.
In Conclusion
The Facebook reaction to Matt Campbell is a glorious Rorschach test: people see whatever it takes to confirm that they, personally, hold the One True Opinion about Penn State football.
Whether Campbell wins big, flames out, or goes .500 forever, one thing is certain:
Penn State fans will still be yelling at each other on Facebook, and absolutely none of them will admit they were wrong.
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In terms of results, Campbell could very well be Franklin 2.0. But he’s more like the mirror image of Franklin. He’s a good game day coach who doesn’t recruit very well. He won’t win a national championship. But there will be less of the undisciplined grab ass (such as taunting penalties after successfully stopping someone on 3rd down) that occurred under Franklin.
I don’t hate this hire, but I don’t love it either. On a scale of 10. I’d rate it a 6 or 7. IMO Campbell was probably the 3rd best hire of the schools who replaced coaches this year behind Kiffin (who is an asshole) and Sumrall. The problem going forward is that Kraft gave him too long a contract (8 years) and probably paid him way too much money (the details haven’t been released)
Kraft probably should be fired and not just because he mismanaged this hiring process. He spends money like a drunken sailor on liberty. And some of his decisions regarding coaches are indefensible. He didn’t fire the women’s basketball coach after going 1-17 in conference. The men’s tennis coach he recently hired (whose previous job was director of tennis at a wealthy county club) managed to top that accomplishment by finishing a perfect 0-13 and losing to every other B1G team. In addition, the men’s soccer team has finished last in the B1G for the previous two years.
Too soon for me to comment on Campbell. The Board of Trustees haven’t even met to approve his pay package, not that the process will be anything less than a slam-dunk. Meanwhile, the Facebook bullshit will continue for a while longer so all the idiots can put their uninformed two cents in. Those recriminations, coulda-shoulda-wouldas, Terry Smith laments, and other off-the-wall comments will soon morph into hypercritical examination of every damn move Campbell makes. All predictable and hilariously clueless.
I’d agree with you about Kraft, but the current NCAA/Big Ten emphasis on big money TV contracts and football product expansion muddies the issue of his performance in non-football areas. Of course, he bungled the Franklin replacement deal, which I cannot ignore. The AD job in the Big Ten is sure as hell not for the timid. Given the expectations, I don’t know whether a Fortune 500 CEO could last in it. Big hyperbole, to be sure, but anyhow, with a $700 million stadium renovation in progress, Kraft’s job is certainly on the line and his only redemption will be football success.
The NCAA top-tier football coaching merry-go-round is becoming like the NHL, where if you sneeze, you’ll miss John Tortorella or Peter Laviolette’s latest venue.
So, the whole damn thing is corrupt from top to bottom. All driven by big bucks. I recently read about the black market for promising high school football players being a reality. When will Pop Warner leagues start being polluted by NFL aspirations, if that hasn’t already happened?
We fans who are in it for the purity of sports and performance on the field must either adapt to the new culture or watch NAIA or Division III games.
end of rant
I’m looking forward to tOSU vs. Indiana tonight. I like Cignetti’s approach, but I believe he will meet his maker.
—TNT