The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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How’s That Flag Wavin’?

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Many Penn State fans flap in the breeze along with the fortunes of their Nittany Lions. A win, especially early in the season, induces them to blow much positive wind, while a loss causes them to lament missed opportunities.

The intensity of these reactions is dependent upon the cumulative record for the season and the number of games remaining. After a win, the barroom hypotheses generally go something like this: “Well, if we run the table from here out…” Depending on the number of games remaining, they conclude optimistically with one of the following: “…we’ll have a great shot at playing for the SSMNC” (if there are as yet no losses), “…we’ll be playing on New Year’s Day,” or later in a mediocre season, “…we’ll wind up being bowl eligible.” Fresh off a loss, the same fans can be heard predicting global apocalypse, forecasting the death of the Penn State football program, speaking with absolute certainty of an impending duel between Prexy Spanier and Joe Paterno at High Noon on Curtin Road (so at least interested spectators can buy refreshments at The Creamery), or hallucinating about conversations with assistant coaches’ wives at a pre-game tailgate about discord and dissension among the coaches.

Two weeks ago, after an ugly homecoming loss to Illinois, the sky was falling. There was no tomorrow. Today, after an ugly win over Minnesota, lovely, pigtailed, blonde children are dancing on edelweiss covered hills, singing about female deer, and eating chocolate covered, cherry flavored knishes colored with red dye #40 to match the red painted lips of the lovely, perfect children. However, this Turkey (alas!) has not participated in that hallucination and sees no great cause for optimism (as usual).

This past Saturday, with perfect 11 am weather in Minneapolis, the Penn State Nittany Lions (4-3, 1-2 Big Ten) battled the Minnesota Golden Gophers (1-7, 0-4) for the Big Ten cellar and managed to pull off an ugly 33-21 win before a half-full (and I’m being generous) TCF Bank Stadium, and a modest TV audience on ESPNU. Many Pennsylvania fans were completely pissed off that they couldn’t find ESPNU anywhere on their cable systems, but that is the reality of sucking badly and playing against a team that sucks even worse. Don’t expect ABC prime time, folks. We’re lucky we’re getting ESPNU. At least we didn’t get Pam Ward on the announcing team.

How ugly was it? Very ugly. The Penn State defense, admittedly using injuries as an excuse, couldn’t stop anything, allowing only Minnesota’s occasional lapses to stop drives. The Gophers racked up 433 total yards, of which 299 were aerial. Adam Weber was 26-49 with three TDs and one INT. Minnesota’s offense managed to get 26 first downs to Penn State’s 17 and they dominated time of possession 33:40 to 26:20. They were 5-16 on third down conversions as opposed to Penn State’s 2-10.

Against Minnesota’s sieve of a defense, which I told the boys at Mike’s Garage even the three of us old fellas could run on with the McCabe Sisters blocking, the Nittany Lions were unable to muster a 100 yard game for any runner, winding up with 145 yards, mostly split between Silas Redd and Evan Royster. Royster has now passed Tony Hunt to become #2 on the list of all-time Penn State runners, and he’s 30 yards behind Curt Warner, who is presently atop the heap, the top step on the running backs’ stairs of fame at the Student Book Store.

Aerially speaking, PSU passed for 206 yards. Rob Bolden was looking good, having completed 11 of 13 for 130 yards and a touchdown, when he was removed from the game with “concussion-like symptoms.” Third-string replacement Matt McGloin was 6 of 13 for 76 yards, two touchdowns and an interception. Both teams punted six times.

Bolden took himself out of the game in the second quarter, but Coach “Red” McQueary pushed him back onto the field, where Bolden dropped to his knees. The official word is that McQueary wanted Bolden to stay prostrate on the field to get an injury time-out. Who knows whether this is an accurate representation. I’ll have to go to a pre-game tailgate and talk to the coaches’ wives to get the true scoop. Anyway, Bolden was out for the rest of the game, mysteriously replaced by third-stringer Matt McGloin.

Why not Kevin Newsome? Perhaps the rumor that Newsome was hurting or sick and wouldn’t make the trip holds a clue. He actually did make the trip, but he didn’t appear to be too well on the plane (see my previous post). He was seen fumbling with a knee brace on the sideline. Newsome did, in fact, get a little playing time, which is damn important because if Bolden isn’t cleared to play this weekend against Michigan, we’ll be down to two quarterbacks.

It is hard to derive anything positive from this game, given that Minnesota is bad, really bad, and because they suck so badly, the athletic department took the unusual step of firing the head coach, Tim Brewster, in the middle of the season. In fact, they fired him the week before the Penn State game, which left them in further disarray.

At his post-game press conference, PSU head coach Joseph Vincent Paterno, looking every one of his 84 years, said that “we had our hands full; they’re a good football team” — big surprise. A few minutes earlier, when ESPNU’s sideline blonde (not a young, nubile one, but a well worn 50+ year-old former SI sports writer, suitable for ESPNU) asked about Newsome not getting much playing time, Paterno responded, “Who?” This Turkey, being an old codger himself, feels that Joe probably couldn’t hear the blonde all that well, being on the field with everyone rushing around after the game; however, it is likely to be reported by anti-Paterno viewers of the incident as a concrete sign of Paterno’s impending senility. But I digress.

No matter how much Old Joe pats them on the back, Minnesota is really bad, so what conclusions can we draw? Obviously, looking at the stats, Penn State is really bad, too!

I think we have to view Penn State’s remaining schedule realistically. The Nittany Lions are certainly a good bet to beat Indiana. Beyond the Hoosiers, it is hard to see another win. Thanks to Denard Robinson, Michigan is not the dishrag we thought it would be this year; with the Lions defense having been crippled by injuries and lack of talent while the offense struggles to score points, I see this one going to Michigan. I’ll be kind and say that the Northwestern game could go either way, although I’m pretty convinced that the Wildcats will prevail. Ohio State is one that everyone had conceded before this season even began—no hope there. Finally, whereas no one showed any respect for Sparty at the beginning of the season, the boys from Moo U. are off to an 8-0 start for the first time since 1966, back in the Bubba Smith days. (Yeah, you know him—he’s the big guy in the Police Academy movies). So what does that leave? At best, a 6-6 record and a trip to the mythical Toilet Bowl in Kohler, Wisconsin. Even more likely is a 5-7 season and no bowl.

Nevertheless, paradoxically after a win, many Nittany Lions fans are still crying in their beer about what might have happened if Nebraska had lost to Miami in the 1995 Orange Bowl while urging Paterno and Spanier to polish their dueling pistols as they listen to the plaintive notes of “Do Not Forsake Me: The Ballad of High Noon.”

In his post-game press conference, Paterno said that he detected more enthusiasm from his players for this game than for earlier ones. I didn’t sense much, myself. The 2010 Nittany Lions are still leaderless and thus prone to meander. I don’t see that problem being rectumfied this season and I don’t see much else improving, either.

Except, perhaps, that if PSU does somehow manage to beat Michigan in a shoot out, this Turkey’s attitude will improve. “The hillllllls are aliiiiiiiiiive with the sound of muuuuuuuuuusic…”

We’ll be back later in the week for a more realistic look at the forthcoming Michigan game.

Diggin’ on da Gophers

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Lazy week, due to Penn State’s bye. Most of the writers this week focused on issues like who’s going to replace Joe Paterno if and when he retires, Tim Brewster being fired as Minnesota’s head coach, and Sean Stanley being hauled in for possession. Your Turkey thought better of writing about any of those things, so I gave you a week off from reading my drivel.

“stop tweetin during meetings dummy”

Now, we’re back to business here. I do have to ask one impertinent, off-topic question before I get into my thoughts on the Minnesota game ahead. Every so often, when a high profile Penn Stater who has made it to the NFL suffers a season ending injury in his rookie season, I wonder whether the Penn State strength and conditioning program for football players is worth a shit. Remember Ki-Jana? Courtney? Poz? This season, Josh Hull and Jared Odrick have both incurred season enders. Being lazy, I haven’t dug up all the facts and statistically analyzed Penn State’s performance against other schools. But it’s something to think about. While you’re thinking about it, think about all the injuries to starters on the 2010 Nittany Lions. Coincidence or specific causality? You decide.

So, now we have the battle of the Big Ten unfortunates, as the hapless Nittany Lions (3-3, 0-2 Big Ten) travel to Minneapolis to square off with the hapless Golden Gophers (1-6, 0-3) to see who lifts off from the Big Ten cellar and who stays. Kickoff is at noon Saturday at TCF Bank Stadium, and TV coverage is relegated to the bargain basement of ESPN’s array of channels, ESPNU.

Much water has flowed under the bridge since the Nittany Lions lost in such ignominious fashion to the Fighting Illini. They’ve had a week off to recuperate from the pain of that loss, including a weekend at home to enjoy good old home cooking and good old home girlfriends. Upon returning to practice this week, they’ve been subjected to collective soul searching and motivational speeches. Supposedly, they were told that no one’s position is a lock. Meanwhile, at Minnesota, the Gophers’ 28-17 loss to hapless Purdue led to the dismissal of hapless head coach Tim Brewster, something that had been brewing for some time. The team had been in disarray, with their only victory this season having been over Middle Tennessee the first week of the season by the slim margin of 24-17.

So, what of Hapless vs. Hapless? It would be fitting for this game to end in a 3-3 tie, but some manner of analysis is necessary or the Turkey will be roundly ridiculed for not pulling some meaningless factoids out of his ass this week. It is important that at least the boys at Mike’s Garage be aware of my leanings in this illustrious match-up.

But really, it’s hard. Hard to know how Minnesota’s boys will respond to their coaching change and hard to know how Penn State’s guys will respond to the motivational attempt by the coaching staff. Obviously, as we’ve been saying all year, the PSU squad is essentially lacking in leadership both internally and externally, and in that leadership vacuum they’ve been playing uninspired ball. They have played like shit.

Furthermore, the injuries to key players on both offense and defense leave more question marks about Penn State’s ability to complete the rest of their schedule with even a .500 record for the last half of the season. Prior to the injuries, the defense was not very reliable. What will happen now? And the offense—is there any hope for improvement, particularly in the red zone?

If it seems that there are more questions than answers, that is a correct assessment. I flat out don’t know what this team is capable of anymore.

Now, Chaz Powell will be moving to defense, and there will be a shuffle at safety. Drew Astorino worked out at both strong safety and free safety during practice to provide flexibility in filling the gap left by the injury to Nick Sukay.

So, what do we have, by the numbers, already? Both teams bite. Penn State’s vaunted rushing offense is good for an 85th national ranking, while Minnesota’s rushing defense is ranked 102. Ha ha. Conversely, Minnesota’s rushing offense is ranked 76th against PSU’s 58th ranked rush defense. In passing, Rob Bolden and the boys are good for a 70th versus the Gophers’ pass defense ranked 118th (yes, folks, that’s right!). In scoring offense, Penn State ranks a rank 108 (there’s that red zone stinkage) vs Minnesota’s scoring defense, which is ranked 98th. Last but not least, the Minnesota scoring offense ranks 76th against Penn State’s scoring defense, which ranks a respectable 21st.

The weather is going to be perfect, sunny and warmer with a high of 68. No excuses there.

I think it all comes down to Penn State’s defense and offensive line play. Paterno has stated that the offensive line has been maligned by the media, so they better perform here. This seems to be the perfect opportunity to get everything chugging on all 11 cylinders again. It is this Turkey’s hope that the defense’s strange bedfellows will have practiced together enough to play a decent game, and that the offense gets its damn act together. If they play hard and with motivation—and take care of the ball—they can win this thing.

Senior Adam Weber is back for Minnesota at quarterback, one of the few returning starters on the team. He’s pretty much the standout player on the Gophers’ squad. He’s competent and steady and he has a couple of good receivers along with an offensive line that affords him good protection.

Being a noon start, which is actually 11 am in Minnesota, you can look for signs of a revitalized Nittany Lion team in the first quarter. They seem to not want to play the first quarters of noon kickoff games. If they look sharp and ready in the first, their chances are good. But they’ve got to show me that they’re alive straight away from their entrance to the field. I want to see 22 James Harrisons on that sideline.

I don’t know whether this is a good sign or not, but I caught these tweets from one of our running backs to another this afternoon:

XXXXX: @YYYYY stop tweetin during meetings dummy
YYYYY: I need to score lol

Well, I’ll waste no more time trying to microanalyze the unanalyzable. It is time for that which many of you scroll through all the bupkis I’ve written above to get to: the Official Turkey Poop Painful Prediction. But first, are many of you in the same boat as this Turkey? Do you have a vague feeling that Penn State can win this game, but you’re just not sure after all we’ve been through this season? Do you long for some consistency, some sign that these guys can play and that these coaches can coach? I hope this game provides some answers, because I sure as hell don’t feel good about writing vacuous crap like this the rest of the season. They’ve literally given me nothing to hang my hat on, but I digress. Current gambling line on the game favors Penn State by 9.5 points, with an over/under of 49.5. This suggests a final score of around 24-14. I’m thinking—hoping—that the Nittany Lions come back with a victory, but they’re not going to beat the spread. I’m afraid of the PSU defense allowing points more than I am the offense not scoring. Minnesota scored 23 on Wisconsin and 28 on Northwestern. Meanwhile, the only time the Nittany Lions have scored more than 24 points this year was in their opening game with FCS foe Youngstown State, in which they scored 33. The Penn State offense comes bouncing back to win a squeaker, 24-23.