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That said…

Sunday, May 11th, 2008

Take all I have written heretofore with a grain of salt. Now I’ll tell you what I really want you to believe. This is my verbal ploy to show you that I have examined all sides of the issue, whether or not I actually have done so, and introduce my real feeling at the tail end, using the obnoxiously vogue and increasingly trite lead-in “that said.”

Class, the subject of my rant today was going to be “that said.” The subject phrase’s overuse has been getting on my nerves for perhaps ten years. Through this poultry platform, I have previously written about vogue phrases such as “it is what it is,” “it is all good,” and “not a problem,” but those were colloquialisms, while “that said” has found its way into stilted journalistic prose and into the annoying inscriptions of those who would emulate the stilted journalists—even bloggers. :)

“That said” has been kicking around for some time now, coming from the same clowns who gave us the non-epidemiological meaning (or vague lack of same) of the term “tipping point.” While the latter phrase might be used metaphorically to colorfully illustrate a point, the only use of “that said” is to flag a terminal thought as overridingly valid, essentially negating the verbal vacillation leading up to it. Real words such as “however” and “nevertheless” are being replaced by this abomination and your Turkey doesn’t like it! So, yes, that was what I was going to write about today.

That said, in doing research about “that said,” I came across a New York Times piece written almost six years ago by the great William Safire that covers the subject more thoroughly, more humorously, and more conclusively than this Pretend-O-Turkey could ever hope to. If you are as interested in the evolution of our language as I am and you lament the overuse of these vogue constructs as much as this irascible old Turkey, you must read Safire’s article.

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Parting the Red Sea

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

Hey, I just found a great site if you’re interested in the history of menstruation, the colloquialisms that describe it, and the products that have dammed up the red tide through the years. You want a 1920’s Kotex ad? This site has it. You want to know 320 terms that mean menstruation? Look no further! Find it at the Museum of Menstruation and Women’s Health.

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Nut Case Alert!

Monday, May 5th, 2008

PETA has spoken. In the wake of the tragic Kentucky Derby place finish of the ill-fated filly Eight Belles, they have written a nastygram to the person in charge: Senator Hillary Clinton. Furthermore, just to make sure Hillary gets the message, they’re writing another nastygram to daughter Chelsea. PETA knows how to play dirty, too, thank you very much.

If you don’t know by this time, Eight Belles broke both front ankles as she charged down the stretch in a game effort to catch Big Brown, the big colt that won the race. While Big Brown was enjoying his moment of glory in the winner’s circle, Eight Belles was being euthanized on the track where she had broken down. She paid $10.60 and $6.40, posthumously.

I do not dispute the notion that the Kentucky Horse Racing Association should investigate the circumstances surrounding the filly’s tragic injury. Without being prompted to do so, the KHRA did, in fact, initiate such an investigation, which is routine anytime an animal dies on the track.

However, our nutball friends at PETA are taking this opportunity to make their silly-ass noises to expand their notariety, not only writing to Hillary and Chelsea, but also calling for the dismissal and banning of the jockey, who was out there trying to do his job. Their position is that the life of the horse is far more important than a man’s ability to earn a living and feed his family. In the meanwhile, they exploit this tragic incident to further their own questionable agenda.

PETA has had horse racing (the sport of kings) in its cross-hairs for a long time, claiming that it constitutes cruelty to their precious animals, which people “bet on just like a poker hand.” They equate it to dog fighting. If these yo-yos had their way, you wouldn’t even be able to kick your neighbor’s dog’s ass for taking a crap on your lawn.

Well, I don’t know about you, brother, but if I had had the choice, I sure as hell would have opted for a life consisting of two or three years of hard work followed by a career of chasing fillies and brood mares on some cushy stud farm. Just ask any stallion if he would have it any other way! If he could talk, he’d hoist his middle finger in PETA’s direction, and whinny out a great big belly laugh.

I know that only a small percentage of the overall racing population winds up enjoying those romantically bucolic rendezvoux, but what the hell. It would be worth the gamble. If I couldn’t compete I’d deserve to be horse meat on some foreigner’s plate or to spend my afterlife holding together the binding of a book.

Besides, now that the Swiss government has engaged a panel to report on man’s offenses against the dignity of plants and considers “beheading” wildflowers as cruelty to plants, one has to believe that the mere existence of horses constitutes cruelty to oats.

You can read the full text of the letter to Hillary in this Political Punch blog post from ABC News.

Does anyone out there—especially in the wonderful world of politics—have the balls to shut these wankers the hell up?

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