The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Oh, My!

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Iowa 41, Penn State 21

As we non-Sanguinarians fully expected, the Mighty Penn State Nittany Lions sank to 0-5 after fumbling and bumbling their way through yet another snoozefest with purportedly less talented Iowa team. The final score was 41-21. Stats, which are for losers, were pretty even, but the one that sticks out like a very sore thumb is the turnover ratio of 4:1. Penn State’s two interceptions and two lost fumbles handed the game to the Iowa Hockeyes. (Yes, I know I deliberately misspelled it).

Freiermuth Out for Season

At the outset of James Franklin’s exasperated press conference whose dual themes were “turnovers’ll killya” and “it is what it is”, the head coach announced that star TE Pat Freiermuth would have season-ending surgery required to deal with an injury he suffered back in the Ohio State Game. No sense destroying his whole potential football career trying to play hobbled this year. Penn State’s season is done and Pat will hope to be in shape to play next year.

Who Be Dat QB?

Most of us expected Will Levis to start the game, which he did. However, after three fumbles, two of which were lost to Iowa defenders, Levis was pulled in favor of last week’s starter, Sean Clifford, who wound up throwing two interceptions. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Final lines for both QBs revealed a similar level of incompetence. Levis was 13-16 for 107 yards, while Clifford was 13-22 for 174 yards with two TDs and two INTs. Levis rushed 15 times for 34 yards, while Clifford pounded the rock six times for 13 yards.

The offensive line continued to suck, as did Penn State’s running game. Iowa knew they could control the line of scrimmage and loaded up on the run, daring the Cough It Up Twins to throw. How’d that work for us? Once again, that same old song — Penn State was not able to establish the run, winding up with an anemic 62-yard rushing output.

Starting primary running back Devyn Ford failed to answer the bell for the second half. He left the game with three carries for two yards.

Penalties’ll Killya

Sanguinarians who bitch about officiating “always” favoring the other guys should note that Iowa was penalized three times as many times for three times as many yards. That assist from the officials still didn’t help us. No external factors will. It’s all internal, and it ain’t getting fixed this season.

So, Al Was Right

Elsewhere, Illinois showed that Peters is a decent QB. The Illini easily handled Nebraska, leaving formerly big Red in the west division cellar. So, our “Plus One” game, assuming that the Coronavirus gods are less than merciful in foreshortening the season, might well be a rematch with Nebraska.

Indiana showed they were no fluke by battling tOSU to the end, bowing by a touchdown. Speaking of battles, how about Michigan and Rutgers taking three overtimes to see who sucked worse — it wound up being Rutgers, but it was a field goal difference in suckage.

Northwestern took command of the West by schnockering Wisconsin 17-7, while Purdue and Minnesota had another one of those who-sucks-worse contests, ending with the Golden Gophers winning by a field goal. The Moo U. vs. Maryland game was canceled due to Covid-19.

Whither We Goest

Well, hell, the nadir has been achieved! Penn State has never started out a season with five losses at any point in its storied history. Sanguinarians are full of excuses: Covid-19, no fans, Covid-19, distracted players, Covid-19, our “superior talent can’t play up to their potential with all this going on”, Covid-19. But come on, already, S-narians! Give it up. All those other teams, some of whom actually do possess superior talent are giving it the old college try. Is there another winless team in the Big Ten? So, see? I made my point.

Talent or no (and I say “no”), you can’t win if you can’t play fundamentally sound football. Forgetting how to take care of the ball on offense and forgetting how to tackle on defense are two hallmarks of a losing football team. Penn State this year is the quintessential losing football team.

So, three games ahead, and none look like wins now. With no defense and a tendency to cough up the ball, even playing Rutgers and Moo U. doesn’t look good for the Lions. Michigan and Rutgers can put points on the board, and the PSU defense sucks, so they will. Meanwhile, Moo U. doesn’t score many points, but who knows what they can do with a defense that is like a rake with missing teeth, and who knows how many turnovers their stingy defense will force. Then, the prize will be a rematch with Nebraska — and who wants that?

I’ll be back during the week to let you know that I survived the Thanksgiving turkey slaughter and to give you my sour-ass Michigan forecast.

Sixteen Candles

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What Goes Around Comes Around

Iowa Hawkeyes

Or something like that. Things are a little different now than they were sixteen years ago. The Iowa Hawkeyes brought a 4-2 record with them to Beaver Stadium that year (before I renamed it), while Penn State was cruising with a putrid 2-4. The capacity Homecoming crowd of 108,000+ anticipated an entertaining, if not classic game.

This time around, Penn State is an even more putrid 0-4 and Iowa is sitting at 2-2. A minuscule collection of selected fans will witness what is sure to be less than entertaining. There will be no Homecoming festivities. And back in 2004, I lamented that the Nittany Lions would be “…destined to dwell in the dank, dark, dusty dungeon of Big Ten ineptitude with the Hoosiers and the Illini.” The Hoosiers are a little better this year, undefeated as they take on tOSU, but the Illini are the same old Illini.

Of what do I write, pray tell?

The 2004 game between these teams was indeed a classic, but in a rather negative way — it was one of the worst games in Penn State’s history and it set back football in a way that fans are still feeling today.

That game ended up as yet another loss for Penn State in yet another bad year. The Nittany Lions sucked in the early nascent millennial years. Aside from Larry Johnson’s 2000-yard season, what the hell else was good about that time in our history? People have dubbed it (cue cello) The Dark Years.

Sanguinarians will tell us that 2020 is aberrant, and things will be much better when we get back to normal. Yes, Virginia, normal means we think we’re much better than we are. We couldn’t be much worse than the current rock bottom, I tell you dat!

“You’re not going to shoot me, Tony!?!?”

“No, Frank. I’m not gonna tchoot you… Manolo! Tchoot dat piece of tchit!”

Sorry. Tony Montana interlude. I was distracted by a Scarface flashback.

But I Digress…

Voices in my head notwithstanding, I need to tell you — on the odd chance that it is not indelibly written in your Book of Life — that Penn State lost that 2004 game to Iowa by the amazingly ridiculous score of 6-4. They suuuuuuuuuuucked so bad… (How bad was it?) It was so bad that Iowa decided to take a safety that narrowed the lead to two and give up the ball because there was no way the Nittany Lions would figure out what to do with it.

Holding Iowa to six points is something I don’t see happening this year. They scored 84 points in their past two games. Now, listen Sanguinarians — I don’t want to hear your bullshit about PSU’s defense being that much better than Moo U. or Minnesota. Yet, I hear the distant echo of Sanguinarialistic analysis. The only chance for Penn State is to keep it close.

But will they? Hell, having watched four games so far, I am used to throwing away the first half with crappy offensive play and turnovers while the defense misses multiple tackles and walks around with rectal thumb insertions. So, no.

Gotta Fix Those Problems

i.e., {mistakes|penalties|turnovers}’ll killya

I don’t think the QB change will fix the problems in their entirety, but if Will Levis can just protect the ball and throw accurate passes (without staring down primary receivers all the time), the offense might be able to get half its act together. We’ve been told that the revamped offensive line has its act together now, something we’ve been hearing for at least the past sixteen years. My pragmatic ass will believe it when I see four quarters of consistently good line play.

You know what? Tomorrow is my birthday. I’d like nothing more than a great big win in a cleanly fought game this weekend as my present. Will I get it? The magic eight ball says ALL INDICATIONS SUUUUUUUUCK.

Da Wedda

How long can the decent weather last? Looks like we’ll still be enjoying fall weather on Saturday. Mostly cloudy with a high of 54 is the weatherman’s prediction. Not too bad.

If you don’t like the weather, just wait fifteen minutes… (“They” say that just about everywhere).

Fearless Forecast from the Ferblunjetta Forecastle

Yeah, you can tell my heart’s just not in this one, cantcha? I think the chess matches in Queen’s Gambit were much more exciting than what we’ll be seeing on the field on Saturday. Ho hum. This season suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

What the gamblers are suggesting by favoring Iowa is what everybody thinks, anyway: Penn State gonna lose. Iowa still favored by just 2.5 with an over/under of 47. Seems that they know about Iowa-Penn State games, as the betting suggests a final score of 25-21. I think the PSU defense is bad enough to allow more points, and I think the offense, the offense, … the offense… well, it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

So, Iowa jumps out to a 21-6 lead in the first half and cruises while PSU attempts its second-half comeback with field goals instead of touchdowns, somehow putting 13 more points on the board while the Hawkeyes add one more TD late. That makes the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication Iowa 28, Penn State 19. Take the over, because Iowa is liable to score 49 like they did on Moo U.

I’ll be back after the game with one more candle in the wastebasket of life, and one more game in the dumper for Dear Old State. 0-5! Whoda thought?!?!?

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