The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Merry Christmas to All!

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Penn State 56, Illinois 21

The Nittany Lions mercilessly defeated a depleted FFFI squad in whited-out Beaver Stadium before an announced crowd of 37, 56-21. The wild and woolly first quarter entertained us before viewer boredom set in. Thereafter, Chuck accurately assessed the over/under on when I would fall asleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Nevertheless, this was a fitting end to a screwed-up season where what happened on the field was not as big a story as whether they would play at all. Penn State football for 2020 concluded with this game. Thus, my final column of the year won’t be a game recap, but a thank you to all six of my loyal and diligent readers.

No Bowl Game

First, a little business. In case you hadn’t heard, Penn State has opted out of any bowl competition this year. As you know, I had advocated this position. It was the right thing to do. These players and coaches have been cooped up for nine months. Yes, it impacted their play, and it took a while to sort things out on the field. Winning four in a row at the end of the season left a good taste in our mouths and we yearned for more games. However, I just wanted the kids to go home and enjoy Christmas with their families. They have earned that break instead of being incarcerated for yet another week to play a meaningless, second-tier bowl game.

Now, again as predicted by this turkey, the social media comments are buzzing with conspiracy theories. The decision is either attributable to James Franklin, who must go, or Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf, who is a Communist. However, the official line expressed by Vice President of Ath-o-letical Activities Sandy Barbour is that the players and coaches made the decision together. Call me naive, but I believe that. Furthermore, the ignorant, narcissistic dumbasses of social media just want to blow off about their pet opinions. They are not about the players, though they represent their opinions as “what the players want.” They are just satisfying their own selfish needs for intravenous football as life sustenance.

Social Media Idiots, Continued

Those fools even substantiate their uninformed positions by bitching about the bowl decision costing money for Penn State. Their heads are completely up their asses if they think the likes of the Duke’s Mayonnaise Bowl will do anything but deplete Penn State’s coffers. No live gate (although in a “real” year, there would be scant attendance, anyway) combined with travel expenses mean a financial hit for PSU. Besides, even inveterate Penn State fan ToeJam said, “I prefer Hellman’s.”

The argument that postseason bowl games provide a reward for players is moot, too. Aside from the basic notion that a losing regular season record merits no such reward, being sequestered for a week in a “party town” like Charlotte with no available or permissible partying opportunities is more punishment than reward. With nothing left to prove on the field, their sweetest reward is a joyous holiday reunion with family and friends back home, whom they haven’t seen for a long, long time. That includes head coach James Franklin. Merry Christmas to the players and coaches!

Go Away, 2020!

And so, with this editorial drivel, I sign off after another season of Penn State football. This has been a year we will all remember, an experience I hope none of us will have to repeat. We never could have predicted how this season would work. It broke new ground. Indeed, it was a miracle that the Lions were able to play all nine games. Twenty-twenty has suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked for all of us in many ways, a depressing year. But I have you and my keyboard! My favorite therapeutic measure for mood elevation is writing The Nittany Turkey. I am grateful for the diversion and doubly grateful that we could share some of our thoughts together for yet another year. Thank you very much once again for sticking with me through it all!

I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and the best of the holiday season. Happy New Year to all from this humble turkey, and may your 2021 be light, bright, cheerful, prosperous, happy, and healthy!

I’ll be back sometime bloviating about something, but who knows where or when?

Who Cares?

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Penn State (3-5) vs. Illinois (2-5)

University of Illinois

I’m late in writing this because apathy rules supreme here. If there is anything worse than two five-loss teams “battling it out” during Champions Week, please let me know. I want to get off that train, too.

We had hoped that the blizzard would do this game in, but it looks like Happy Valley lucked out, getting only a foot of snow. They were determined to play this one, so I don’t think it would have mattered if they got the originally expected two feet. Unlike the prior Snowbowl, the 1995 Michigan game, there would be no fans in the stands to worry about. Thus, no need for inmates from Rockview shoveling snow or ROTC students marching it down.

OMG OMG WTF We Could Go to a Bowl!!!

Shut your mouth! I could “break down” this game, but I’d rather bitch about it. Why is it necessary? Some say that PSU would need four wins to qualify for a pedestrian, money-losing bowl game such as the Duke’s Mayonnaise Bowl or the Guaranteed Rate Dot Com Bowl. Those would be a booby prize worth skipping, in my most humble opinion. Send the kids home for Christmas! They’ve had enough marshalling and quarantining this year. Reward them with some quality time, not with fan appeasement.

It’s not like there would be any great benefit to Penn State, who would have to pay for the trip, lodging, etc. Certainly not to the kids, who typically regard a bowl bid as party time. Ain’t no partying opportunity in this weird year, though. For the Athletic Department, bowls mean exposure for potential recruits, but get real — nobody is attending these things, especially the garbage bowls, which enjoy sparse attendance even in the absence of a pandemic. Who the hell will be watching?

Fuggetaboudit!

Accordingly, I’m lobbying strongly for a no-bowl season. It is ridiculous to think that a negative record should be rewarded by postseason play. This year, it is not a reward. It’s more like continued punishment. You’ve got a shitload of Facebook keyboard warriors saying it is what the kids want, and the kids should have the opportunity, and the kids this, and the kids that. It ain’t about the kids. It’s about the damn keyboard warriors’ wishes. THEY want football. Doesn’t matter what the kids want.

I say, forget what the PSU Administration wants, forget what the keyboard warriors want, and forget what YOU want, then leave it up to the kids. Set your vanity aside. Upon receipt of a crappy bowl bid conduct a team-only vote with no outside pressure. If the kids want it, that’s cool; if they don’t, respect their wishes and give them Christmas with their families.

Da Wedda

It’s gonna be cloudy and cold, with a high of 32° and a low of 26°. Snow is expected after midnight, with less than an inch accumulation. Kickoff is at 5:30, so they’ll be freezing their balls by the time this thing ends.

Da Bottom Line

I tell you, I hope this is the final Official Turkey Poop Prediction for 2020. It’s a halfhearted one at that. Can’t gin up much excitement for this game here in the Turkey Coop. Nevertheless, I’ll go through the motions. Gamblers are working on the current premise of a 15-point spread favoring Penn State at home over the FFFI, with an over/under of 52. That works out to PSU kicking ass to the tune of 35-17.

You have to ask some questions. Do they really want to be there playing this thing? Do they care about a postseason boal? Does the 5:30 kickoff make any difference in whether the Nittany Lions will play a crappy first half? Will Illinois’ opportunistic defense, what little there is of it, send us back to the turnover woes of the first half of the season? Will the FFFI even want to be there after losing their head coach? Don’t answer. Those are rhetorical questions designed to give me time to think about this thing. I’m saying the answers will be no, no, no, yes, and oh hell no. That was more answers than questions. All right. Spit it out! Penn State 29, Illinois 23. (Pulled that one right out of my cloaca). The over/under? I don’t give a rat’s ass. I wouldn’t bet on this one if you gave me the money!

I’ll be back after the game to wish you all a Merry Christmas and recap this meaningless game, which I’ll watch like the rest of you.

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