“We’re a Second-Half Team”

The Penn State Nittany Lions (5-0, 3-0 Big Ten) played a shitty first half against the Northwestern Wildcats (2-3, 1-2) but went on to win decisively, 41-13. Big Al was right about this being a WTF game. Although looking at the scoreboard might lead one to believe that the game was dominated by Penn State, the halftime score was 10-10. And on a perfect fall day in Evanston, Penn State coughed up its first fumble, on the opening kickoff, resulting in a Wildcats score.

Nooners are No Joke

Yep, no weather excuses. Nick Singleton just plain screwed up. Penn State fumbled two other times but recovered. And in the first half, their body language shouted out, “I’m sweepy and I wather be in bed.” Po’ babies! Same old story with the noon start. James Franklin exaggerates the issue by calling it 11 AM, but our lads’ circadian rhythms know that 11 Central is the same damn thing as 12 Eastern. Nevertheless, he did address the issue at halftime.

“That was my message to the team,” Franklin said. “The first half is gone. Let’s play really well in the second half.”

I suppose they might have woken up by the third quarter, but even in winning 41-13, they did not look like a playoff contender. At least I didn’t hear Franklin saying any win is pretty. What I did hear him saying was that “the ball throwing [resulting in a costly unsportsmanlike conduct penalty] would be dealt with.”

Penalties’ll Killya

Franklin was referring to the ridiculous behavior by sophomore cornerback Cam Miller, who was defending a Ben Bryant third-down pass to A. J. Henning on the Northwestern sideline. The pass was incomplete and would have forced a fourth-and-six from the Northwestern 29. Perhaps a NWU player said something to him. I didn’t see that. Whatever it was, Miller reacted by throwing the ball at an opponent. The penalty gave the Wildcats a new series of downs, and they eventually converted this PSU defensive screwup into their only three points of the second half.

That bullshit must stop. I certainly hope that it will be “dealt with.” Penn State was flagged six times for 45 yards in this soporific effort.

We Won the Stat Battle

Another James Franklin postmortem analysis cliche. We lost the turnover battle, we won the explosive play battle, we won the stat battle, already, but not by as wide a margin as the score would suggest. Penn State wound up with 353 total yards to NWU’s 175, of which a puny 45 were rushing yards. We didn’t really lose the turnover battle as Franklin said, but he was pissed off about the first fumble of the season.

Drew Allar played like he should have stayed in bed, being off target much of the afternoon. He wound up 18-33 for 189 yards and a touchdown, for a quarterback rating of 40.3.

Running Game A-ight

Our running back tandem fared better, until Kaytron Allen exited, missing the second half with an undisclosed injury or medical condition. No one knows for sure. However, Trey Potts stepped in with three carries for 21 yards and a touchdown. Nick Singleton was the leading rusher with 21-80 and a touchdown. Singleton also gained some ground as a receiver out of the backfield, with six catches for 39 yards and a touchdown. We hope Nick gets into the groove; he has looked a bit “off” this year.

Big D

The defense once again stepped up to put the clamps on Northwestern in the second half. They recorded seven sacks, twelve tackles-for-loss, and one great big stupid dumbass penalty.

Attendance at Ryan Stadium was 25,064, which shows that Penn State attracts more fans than Minnesota.

And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what a bye-week can do for your team; ask what your team can do for a bye-week. That JFK Inaugural paraphrase made no sense at all, which is why I wrote it. See you on the flip side.

I’ll be back in a week or so with a brief look at the University of Massachusetts Minutemen, a fearsome independent school that knows it will help PSU get to a 6-0 record when the Ohio State game rolls around.

Penn State (4-0) vs. Northwestern (2-2)

Purple Haze? I’m proud of that thematic title, you know. During the summer, Northwestern University fired its successful, longtime head coach, Pat Fitzgerald, in the wake of revelations regarding hazing rituals conducted by senior members of its football team. Fitzgerald denied knowledge of any hazing, and his lawyers were not successful in creating a smokescreen haze for Fitz, so he is no longer wearing purple. Purple hazing done him in.

Some of the allegations were that players called each other names, and worse, required sexual acts to be performed by hazees. Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me; on the other hand, forced blowjobs will leave lasting scars. Many of these activities took place at the Wildcats’ summer camp in Kenosha, Wisconsin, home of Jockey International and the notorious Garbage Plate Meal at Frank’s Diner. Obviously, Fitzgerald was so completely absorbed in Jockey plant tours and heartburn from meals at Frank’s that he missed what was happening right under his nose. Several players are now suing the University, claiming damages due to the hazing. The Purple Haze thickens.

So, what about the game, already?

Given all the chaos, which would have provoked a death penalty for Penn State back in quaint days of yore before the NCAA realized that pursuit of money was the primary object of college football, it is surprising that Northwestern is able to play at all, let alone with the ominous purple haze of hazing scandals hanging over them. Getting down to the team at hand, Northwestern’s record is also hazy. Last year’s worse than crappy season by the purple-clad hazers was 1-11. They managed to beat only Nebraska, an ignominious distinction which hastened the departure of Cornhusker head coach and homey Scott Frost.

Now run by Interim Head Coach David Braun, the pesky, purple ‘Cats have done a bit better this year, at 2-2 overall and 1-1 in the Conference. After losing at Rutgers in their opener, the Wildcats put the big hurt on UTEP, then lost to Duke. In their most recent outing, they outlasted Minnesota in overtime, 37-34.

Ratings, Rankings, and Bupkis

Northwestern ranks an even 100th in total offense, and 76th (that’s the spirit!) in total defense. Compare that to Penn State’s 33 in total offense and Big Numero Uno in total defense, and what you have is just bullshit statistics. Coach Prime, of big mouth fame, found out what his formerly highly regarded defense was worth when he dropped into Autzen Stadium last weekend, so until at least half the season is in the can, these stats mean bupkis (who, I’m pretty sure, was an erstwhile linebacker for University of Illinois). On another tangent again, am I? My senile attention span betrayeth! Reel thyself back in, damnit!

This brings me to bullshit overall FBS rankings, like #6 for Penn State. Again, based on what? (Or based off of what? “Based off of” — who thought up that ridiculous thing? It wasn’t common usage ten years ago, so some asshole must have popularized it via social media or TV, in their ongoing conspiracy to sabotage the English language. But I digress.). Rankings mean nothing until the big Waterloo games of the season. For PSU, this means tOSU, seven games into the season, perched perilously posterior to a powderpuff Game Six.

How They Beat the Gophers

Northwestern’s successful showing versus the Golden Gophers, who play their home games in The Late, Revered Former Artist Formerly Known as Prince’s hometown, was accomplished by peppering the field with passes. Minnesota led the game 24-7 at halftime and then ran out of gas. This game was played in the remote purple haze of Evanston, so even Prince could not save them. NWU quarterback Ben Bryant threw 49 times and completed 33 for 396 yards and 4 touchdowns with no interceptions. Leading receiver Bryce Kirtz caught ten of those passes for 215 yards and two touchdowns, averaging 21.5 yards per catch including an 80-yarder. On the other hand, or on the other leg, as it were, the Wildcats attempted only 29 rushes for a total of 92 yards.

Minnesota’s defense managed to get two sacks and six tackles for loss. Manny Diaz is licking his chops as he reads this. (Did you know that Manny is an avid reader of The Nittany Turkey? Well, I didn’t either.). And when you get down to special teams, well, not much there to talk about in purple. And as for attendance, the fans didn’t want to be out after dark in Chicago, as only 20,000 attended the game, 43% of the capacity of Ryan Field. Penn State should bring some bigger numbers, as the Chicago fans brave the broad daylight bullets, hopefully to attend a huge upset. Many of them will take the Purple Gang plus the huge point spread with their favorite bookies.

Da Wedda

Weather promises to be nice, with a high of 66, which shouldn’t favor anyone and shouldn’t alter any strategies. A fine, fall, football day in Evanston awaits our confident leonine warriors, who are only thinking of going 1-0 this week. Or so says James Franklin.

Da Bottom Line

And now, for the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication, the penuriously proffered prediction posed by this fetidly foul fowl. In viewing this game through the vaunted Nittany Turkey crystal ball, what do I see? Looking through the purple haze therein, I see players kneeling. Wait, hide my eyes!

The spread is ridiculous. I’ve seen anywhere from 25.5 to 27 points. For our pseudo-analytical bullshit purposes, I’ll use 25.5. The over/under is 46, which suggests a final score of roughly 35-11. There are lots of factors at play here. Big Al thinks this will be the game Penn State is not supposed to lose but loses anyway. Well, it has all the trappings of a trap game: a noon start, an easy-to-disregard opponent who is coming off a big win with commensurate confidence boost, and a Nittany Lion team coming off an emotionally draining conference win. Plus, they are no doubt looking forward to the 1-4 Minutemen as an extended bye week. And, look, there is intense pressure on PSU to cover the spread for the thirteenth straight game. All those things conspire against PSU. So, I’ll go with Penn State 47, Northwestern 10. Take that, and by the way, please, I beg of you, take the over.

I’ll be back after the game either to wipe the egg off my face or to gloat over my sparkling prediction and the efficacy of my purple hazed crystal ball. You know how that works. You make a wacko prediction so if you’re right, it’s a big deal, but if you were wrong, you just took a shot knowing it was out of left field. I bet you know guys who pull that shit.

Penn State 31, Iowa 0

The unbeatable, absolutely perfect Nittany Lions triumphed on a rainy, record-setting, white-out night in Beaver Stadium, shutting their Hawkeye asses out decisively in what can honestly be described as a rout. The first two turnovers by Iowa set the tone for the evening. Penn State took over and put the clamps on the hapless Hawkeyes from then on. The victory was as lopsided as it gets in conference play, unless Rutgers is the opponent.

Tropical Storm Ophelia was the reason for the wind-blown soaking suffered by 110,830 rain-soaked, poncho-wearing white-outers. Most of them didn’t give half a shit about the weather, given the insulating euphoria provided by their team’s daunting performance on both sides of the ball.

Although Drew Allar still has problems accurately hitting receivers and some receivers don’t understand which route they should be running, no one noticed because the score kept on increasing in Penn State’s favor. From a 10-0 halftime lead, the Nittany Lions scored fourteen in the third and seven more in the fourth quarter, winding up with 31, which extends their NCAA FBS leading streak of games with more than 30 points scored.

Allar wound up 25-37 for 166 yards and 4 TDs. His leading receiver is, of course KeAndre Lambert-Smith, who had eight receptions for 66 yards and a touchdown. It was a rainy, gusty night, on which one would expect the passing game to be off.

It is cool that even after a crappy weather game, Penn State remains turnover-free for the season.

Lopsidedness

Iowa started off the game looking like they could move the ball, getting two first downs in the first quarter before they coughed the ball up. Who knew that those would be the last first downs their anemic offense would produce until it was playing against the Penn State scrubs late in the final stanza. They wound up with four, versus Penn State’s 28.

Increasingly irrelevant Time of Possession (thanks for being my whipping boy, Matt Herb) was in PSU’s favor by a 3:1 margin. Iowa was held to 20 yards rushing and 76 total yards, while Penn State totals were 215 and 397, respectively.

Opposing QB Cade McNamara declared this the worst day of his life, to wit: “This is the worst feeling in the world. I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever felt this bad about a game let alone a day in my life.”

I Was Bullshitting You

In my first paragraph, I called the Lions absolutely perfect and unbeatable. We all know that is bullshit. Remember that Iowa was missing three big producers on offense, although I expected much more from their defense. Only Sanguinarians will walk away from this game and start making playoff reservations. There’s a long row to hoe, after the three bye weeks involving wildcats, minutemen, and a real week off. But in winning this game, it does seem that a 10-2 season is again possible. Just don’t count your tOSU and UM chickens before they hatch, already.

There is some chance that PSU could move up in the meaningless polls. As you know, the first half of the season doesn’t provide enough meaningful information to intelligently rank these teams. Watching some of those PAC-12 (and falling) teams today, is there room in the Top Ten for all the teams that look like they belong there? In any event, I see no reason why the Nittany Lions should not remain at Meaningless #7, save for the unlikely event that ASU beats USC, who lead by 7 at halftime.

I’ll be back mid-week for a look at poor Northwestern. It’s on the north side, where there are fewer shootings.