The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Archives for 2010

Redd in Minor Incident

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You’ve all heard about Nittany Lion freshman running back Silas Redd being hauled in for public urination, right?

No joke, just look at the State College Police blotter.

Would someone mind telling me why this is such a heinous crime? Hell, when this Turkey was but a mere hatchling indulging in underage drinking in State College, I probably hit the same spot that Redd did. I had a favorite tree just outside the Rathskeller.

These damn laws must be written by women with penis envy. C’mon, girls, tell me you haven’t longed to write your name in the snow!

I hope that this trend toward politically correct public peeing doesn’t mean that I’ll be enjoined from pissing in the breeze when I hike in the woods. That will take a lot of fun out of getting the wind direction right, it will deny the forest plants their nitrogen based nutrients, and it will ultimately force me to hike 30 miles out of my way to find a non-public toilet. Well, a public toilet where public urination is allowed, or something. By that time, the warm, golden liquid would be uncontrollably running down my leg, anyway.

I think Redd will just get the proverbial slap on the wrist by the cops (hopefully it is the wrist and not somewhere closer to the bodily site of the initiation of the crime) for his egregious offense which, by the way, occurred at four-something a.m. There are few offendable people out at 4 a.m.—usually just drunks, cops, and newspaper deliverers.

As for Redd’s status on the team, no word yet, but old Joe isn’t going to be very happy about a freshman running back who is currently number two on the depth chart cavorting around town at 4:00 a.m., leak or no leak.

Redd’s latest tweets yielded no insight into the matter. He said that it’s been hard to get over this past game and that he could use a one pound bag of Twizzlers right now.

Let this non-incident blow over quickly.

OSU 38, PSU 14

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If someone from Mars were to have seen the first half of the Penn State – Ohio State game and then immediately put into a coma for the return trip to his planet, upon wakening he would have asked, “By how much did Penn State win?” He would have been shocked out of his Size 3 Martian shorts when he was informed that Penn State wound up being blown out 38-14.

“I think [McGloin] got a little bit too anxious. That’s what usually happens with a young guy.” —Joe Paterno

The first half was a display of dominant football, the best half of football this Nittany Lions team has played all year, controlling the ball and scoring two touchdowns on what is arguably the best team in the Big Ten Conference while allowing them a single field goal. Before this game, Penn State had never scored more than one touchdown and 13 points in an entire game in Ohio Stadium since joining the Big Ten.

What happened?

Both teams made halftime adjustments. ????? ??? ?????? ????????? Ohio State stiffened its pass defense. Penn State stiffened its anal sphincter. ?????? ??? ????

Joe Paterno dialed back the big play offense that had allowed PSU to dominate the first half, opting for ball control football to sit on what appeared to be a decent lead. Time and time again we fans have seen this behavior in big road games, invoking the spirits of Bo and Woody in playing some rock ’em, sock ’em terrestrial football.

It didn’t work. This is a team that was outclassed talentwise and needed gimmicks to win in the arch-enemy’s backyard. The aggression and risk taking in the first half achieved superior results. However, if you want to play smashmouth against Ohio State, you better have the goods.

Derrick Moye, Graham Zug, Brett Brackett, Devon Smith, and Justin Brown all took a backseat role in the second half, as did walk-on quarterback sensation Matt McGloin. In run-happy sphincter mode, the Lions came out running on first and second downs, usually ending up in third and long. It didn’t help that for most of the half they were down to a single running back, freshman Silas Redd, who is hardly the guy one would choose to be the point man for the Loc-tite Steel Sphincter Smashmouth HD offense.

When OSU took a 24-14 lead with about ten minutes left in the game, Sphincter Mode yielded to Desperation Mode, which of course led to Mistake Mode. McGloin threw his second pick-six of the day, which nailed the Nittany Lions’ coffin shut. For the Lions, it would be nothing but three-and-outs for the remainder of the game, while the Buckeyes added another touchdown just because they could.

Now, I’m not saying that Penn State would have won this game if their coaching brain trust had not gotten constipated in the second half, but at least they would have had a chance. Paterno defends this style of play by pontificating that against good teams you don’t want to make a mistake that will lose the game. It turns out that in this case the gigantic mistake was coaching anally for the second half, in which there were two big mistakes and several little ones on the field to boot. By the time Paterno went back to the pass, everyone in Ohio Stadium and in the vast television audience knew that Penn State had to pass. ?????? ??? ??????? ??? ????? McGloin’s confidence was visibly shaken at that point, too, and as the captain goes, so goes the ship. He’ll probably be blamed for the loss because of the two interceptions, but in reality it was ol’ Bear-Snare Butt himself.

Rob Bolden came in at the end and threw three incompletions. At least he won’t be blamed for any of this.

So, with two games to play, the Nittany Lions still look ragged. The next opponent is Indiana, upon whom Wisconsin just laid a 83-20 shellacking yesterday. Then, Michigan State and, thankfully, the end of this tempestuous Big Ten season. Rumors are, of course, flying by all over the place about this being Paterno’s last year.

This Turkey is hoping that the Michigan State game will be his swan song. I further hope that President Spanier and the Board of Trustees set the criteria for the search to exclude anyone with close coaching ties to Paterno, including Tom Bradley, Larry Johnson, Sr., and Jay Paterno. This program needs a new broom to sweep it clean. Sphincter Mode, the soft zone (inherited from Jerry Sandusky), and the prevent defense must go. And while we’re at it, some new blood will be helpful in taking a good, hard look at the strength and conditioning program, as far too many PSU players are getting hurt on the field and, as I’ve previously noted, those reaching the NFL seem to be more fragile than other rookies. Joe will go out his way—and I hope he is spared the obnoxious treatment Bobby Bowden got—but when he does, this crumbling program needs to embark on the immediate implementation of a top-to-bottom rehabilitation strategy that will bring back the glory of dear old State over the subsequent five years. While you can’t expect immediate results from a new coach, he must immediately commence to swing the wrecking ball before he can effect a renaissance. But I digress yet again.

The Lions, now 6-4 (3-3 Big Ten), don’t deserve a decent bowl game, but they’re liable to do better than their record would suggest, just because the greedy bowl promoters know that they have a cash cow in Penn State.

I haven’t looked at any of the rags this morning, but I bet that at least one hack headline writer comes up with “A Tale of Two Halves.” Just sayin’…

Sigh

McGloin on Broadway

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They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway.

They say there’s always magic in the air…

I guess if I don’t sing more than eight bars of On Broadway by the Drifters, I don’t owe the songwriter any royalties. That’s good, because the minuscule money generated by this blog’s advertisements wouldn’t pay a single performance fee, although I clearly save a lot of money by not following my own betting advice on the Nittany Lions. But I digress.

The Nittany Lions (6-3, 3-2 Big Ten) travel to the big, noisy Horseshoe, sometimes known as Ohio Stadium, to clash with the #9 Ohio State Buckeyes (8-1, 4-1 Big Ten), whose only loss was a surprising 31-18 drubbing by the Badgers of Wisconsin. (The Lions don’t play Wisconsin this year, so I sneakily inserted a link to your favorite badger animation.) After that, the Bucks royally kicked the sorry asses of Purdue and Minnesota, both in “transition years” (meaning that for one reason or another, they suck), and then took a week off before tackling the mighty Nittany Lions of Penn State.

“It’s kind of insulting. I think we’ve proven we can put points on the board, that we can win games. I think a lot of people take offense to it and it will just make our team work harder.” —Evan Royster, about the gambling line for this game

Obviously, these two teams don’t like each other, which has led to some great games. The all-time series stands at 13-12 in favor of OSU, but the visiting team has won the past three instances of this game. That should give us some hope if it’s truly a jinx and not a coincidence. Aw, let’s face it: the Lions have a major uphill fight ahead of them just to stay in this one. Penn State has won only once in Columbus since joining the Big Ten and has not scored more than one touchdown per game during that period. This year’s edition of the Nittany Lions is arguably the least talented since the dreaded “Dark Years”, and injuries have conspired with inexperience to produce mediocre results.

Redshirt sophomore Matt McGloin is the center of attention for several reasons. He seems to have been handling his newfound celebrity quite well up to now. However, this is his first step up into the big leagues, the center court, the corner office, the big stage on Broadway. First, ESPN College Gameday’s Kirk Herbstreit, a former Buckeye quarterback publicly criticized McGloin, which got him fired up. That he was not quivering in his boots when Herbstreit flew in to PSU this week to interview him is a good sign. To increase the pressure on McGloin, Gameday will originate from Columbus this week and the Herbstreit-McGloin interview will air during the show. Additional pressure not heretofore experienced by McGloin will be the 105,000+ bloodthirsty fans in one of the noisiest stadiums in the Big Ten cheering each sack, incompletion, and interception. Behind an inexperienced and often yielding offensive line, McGloin is bound to feel some heat. Finally, during the week’s build-up to the game, Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor stated that he had never heard of McGloin. We’ll soon see whether that casual statement serves to pump up the Penn Stater. One way or another, all this unexpected notoriety has been pretty tiring for McGloin, who just wants to play some football.

Our coaches have chosen the right guy, whom I call The Answer, to lead the Nittany Lions into this game. His past performance suggests that he will be much more unflappable than prior starter Rob Bolden, and won’t try to force things when the situation doesn’t call for it. Furthermore, his energy and enthusiasm rubs off on the rest of the team, including the defense. This Turkey thinks McGloin is a leader on the field and off. On Saturday, he’ll be put to the test against his counterpart, Terrelle Pryor, who craves publicity and happily sucks up rays from the spotlight.

The Buckeyes’ rushing offense ranks 19th nationally. Dan Herron carries most of the load on the ground game, with significant help from Pryor, whose long legs make him appear to be loping while he is outrunning the defense. Senior Brandon Saine is another running back who also has good hands. Talented senior Dane Sanzenbacher and junior DeVier Posey handle most of the receiving duties, and have eaten up zone defenses like Penn State’s. Pryor ranks second to only Ricky Stanzi of Iowa in the Big Ten for pass efficiency. Ohio State’s stout offensive line excels at both run support and pass protection.

But it is defense that will put the clamps on Penn State. The Bucks rank third nationally in overall defense, and first nationally in turnover margin. The Nittany Lions’ running game, which has shown a brief resurgence of late, will not be able to move the ball on the ground against the Buckeyes. The only hope is that McGloin will be able to pass often and deep at times. (Whether that can happen is a coaching prerogative.) Senior all-everything defensive end Cameron Heyward will put significant pressure on McGloin, putting him to another hefty pressure test.

If the Buckeyes are vulnerable anywhere it is in their special teams, particularly on punt and kickoff coverage. They’ve had two run back for six this year. Are you listening, Chaz?

The keys to the game? Forget it. Send your keys to Jenn Sterger and have a party in your room instead.

The coaching duel is tilted toward Columbus, because PSU has a habit of tightening up the cheeks when in big road games. Playing “not to lose” is not going to win this game for Penn State, which has nothing to lose. (They’re bowl eligible, they can’t win the Big Ten with three losses, and they won’t finish the season ranked any higher than the bottom of the top 25. So, theoretically, they should just turn the offense loose and take some gambles on defense. That’s what they should do. What they will do is going to be interesting.) Can they play a road game without invoking sphincter mode?

The weather won’t be a factor. It is forecast to be mostly sunny with a high of 65 in Columbus. Great fall football weather. Indian summer.

As for those of you who must watch on TV, which is most of us, we get the “A” Team from ESPN/ABC, which is (for what it’s worth) Brent Musberger, Kirk Herbstreit, and Erin Andrews in the familiar role of Sideline Blonde.

Let’s make a prediction. Yes, this is the feature you’ve all been waiting for, the Official Turkey Poop Prediction, which is typically worth turkey poop but I’ll give it to you anyway. The gamblers have been dissing Penn State all week by widening the gap, which opened at OSU favored by 16 points and is now 18. This is the biggest spread I’ve ever seen favoring a Penn State opponent. I’d love to see a lot of bettors lose their money on this game. The over/under is 49. This suggests a massacre with the Buckeyes winning by the approximate score of 32-15. I think that State is going to have a difficult time moving the ball, but I think that Tressel will show respect for Joe Paterno, who won’t be winning his 401th here. I’m going with OSU 34, PSU 13 and I’m taking the under.