Archives for September 2012

Pacino Will Play JoePa in BioPic: Who will play Sandusky?

Posted on September 8, 2012 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Al Pacino as Tony Montana in Scarface — Al Pacino as Tony Montana in “Scarface”

Joe Paterno — played by Al Pacino

Yep, the coach from “Any Given Sunday” will reprise his silver screen coaching career. Al Pacino has accepted the challenge of playing the late legendary Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno. Can Michael Corleone, Tony Montana, Frank Serpico, and the weird, blind guy from “Scent of a Woman” pull it off? Time will tell.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, the first question everybody seems to be asking upon learning of this forthcoming production is, “Who’s going to play Sandusky?” I’ve been watching Twitter for perfect suggestions, but after seeing Henry Winkler and Max von Sydow, I decided to take matters into my own hands. (So to speak.) So, I’ll be presenting my choices for Jer and the other major characters below.

Hollywood.com is none too snarkily snotty in presenting this news (noose, maybe), for example: “…and the decade-spanning coverup [sic] put the nail in [Sandusky’s] and Paterno’s public opinion coffin. (When you think about it, Penn State is like a microcosm of the Catholic Church. ????? ???? ??????? )” ASSHOLES!

Some of the oblivious snorkels in LaLa Land have been referring to Joe as “Papa Joe” instead of “JoePa”. I wonder if that’s written into the script, which is supposed to be based on Joe Posnanski’s biography. Posnanski, of course, wouldn’t have made that error, although Louis Freeh might have. It led me to wondering about why the hell all the hoopla over a movie about a pizza franchiser until it finally dawned on me what they meant. Hey, at my age, I’m slow.

Aside from the obvious main villain, Sandusky, the rest of the cast also remains to be selected by whichever studio buys into the package being pitched by Pacino’s agency, ICM. I know about as much about how Hollywood works as Hollywood knows about JoePa, so your guess is as good as mine as to how this will all play out. ???? ???? Feel free to watch Entertainment Tonight or read Variety or whatever it takes to answer any questions you might have.

This Turkey will just take things as they come, unless they do something really cool like cast Sofía Vergara as Vicky Triponey or something. (After all, who’s going to buy a ticket to a movie without a hot chick or two?)

“No, I’m not going to tchoot you, Frank. Manolo! Tchoot that piece of chit.”
—Tony Montana, in Scarface

Nevertheless, it certainly is interesting to speculate. I mean, Pacino and Paterno — what do they have in common other than the big nose, their Italian heritage, and the first and last two letters of their surnames? Well, Joe was a master of the English language and had an Ivy League education. Al flunked out of high school, passing only English. Al grew up in the Bronx, while Joe grew up in Brooklyn. Joe settled down with Sue, while Al— well, he sowed his share of wild oats and never married. Joe wanted to be a lawyer; Al wanted to be an actor. Joe became a legendary coach. Al is now co-president of the Actors’ Studio, where he studied method acting prior to launching an equally legendary acting career. So, there are major differences between the two, yet there are some subtle similarities.

I wonder whether Al will be able to get the accent right. It is a serious Turkey hope that they get this thing right. Yeah, I know. Fat chance!

But we’re comedians around here, so we have to look for humor opportunities in a subject that has run the full gamut from the tragic to the purely bizarre. Let us put together part of the cast for the Hollywood wonks so they don’t have to work so hard having three-martini lunches at Spago. ??? ????? There, it is all about money; for us, it’s about having some fun. I’ll present my characters and we’ll see if you can come up with something better.

Without further ado, Turkey Central Casting presents its selections below.

Jerry Sandusky — played by George Kennedy

I’ve seen several tweets claiming that Henry Winkler (the erstwhile “Fonz”) bears an uncanny resemblance to Sandusky. Bull spheres! Not even close. Besides, Winkler is 5’6″ tall. For Sandusky, you need a big, burly guy. If George Kennedy wasn’t 87 years old, he would be the man for the role. You might remember him as the guy who played Petroni, the ground crew chief in “Airport.” Yeah, that was a long time ago, but this being The Nittany Turkey and I being the proprietor, I get to use my Turkey Time Machine to rectumfy some obvious temporal discrepancies. However, this is all about you. If you can cast a better likeness, body and face, than the stocky, 6’3″ Kennedy, tell me who that is. (In view of George’s age, at this point I’m leaning toward another big Irishman, Brian Dennehy, who is “only” 75.)

Sue Paterno — played by Anne Archer

Sue Paterno is obviously one of the main characters, having been Joe’s devoted wife for all those years when times were good and when times were lean. Sue is a strong woman who raised five kids and put up with Joe’s stubbornness, absence, and curmudgeonliness as life in the Paterno household proceeded apace. Anne Archer is my choice here, but she’ll have to lose that Limey accent. The Turkey Accent Machine can make it so. I chose Archer because of her performance of the beleaguered, yet always supportive and sympathetic wife in “Fatal Attraction”.

Graham Spanier — played by Donald Sutherland

Graham Spanier requires an actor who can portray someone whom you know is guilty, but he looks innocent as hell. He needs to have a convincing, look-you-straight-in-the-eye poker face which you can’t help but believe. We need someone distinguished, sixtyish, smooth and polished, yet with something disturbing that you can’t quite put your finger on. Someone quick witted, cool in a crisis, and always decisive. Someone a little crazy. Someone who flies under the radar, but pops up in odd places. With piercing gray eyes framed by somewhat evil eyebrows, Donald Sutherland answers this casting call with great enthusiasm. It’ll save him from doing more commercial voice-overs. We’ll work on the beard for you. Oh, yeah? Well, if not Donald, then who?

Tim Curley — played by Tim Robbins

To do a good Tim Curley, the actor who is selected must be able to play a tragic sycophant, a compliant pushover with a secret, which is what the media have made out Curley to be. I considered Chevy Chase, but there’s no comedic angle here at all. I turned to a man who played an excellent Andy Dufresne in “The Shawshank Redemption.” He was the veritable picture of uncomplaining obeisance and supplication. Thus, I settled on Tim Robbins because… I dunno. Besides, his name is Tim. I just think he’s a fit. And he got along well with Morgan Freeman, who someone on Twitter said should play Larry Johnson, Sr. You don’t agree with Tim Robbins? Then tell me who should get the role.

Gary Schultz — played by Jack Warden

OK, now, the next major player is Gary Schultz. Every time I see Schultz, I think of Jack Warden in “Shampoo”, the scene in which he walks by the pool house and sees Julie Christie and Warren Beatty spiritedly screwing on the floor, illuminated only by the light from the refrigerator whose door opened when Julie grabbed it for leverage. “Now that’s what I call fucking,” muttered Warden until his focus sharpened. It was then that he realized that it was his wife getting it on with her hairdresser, whom “Lester” (Jack Warden) thought was gay. Kind of reminds me of all the twists and turns this PSU thing has taken, tragically. Jack is dead, though. Who could we get to play Schultz who is still alive?

Mike McQueary — played by
O. J. Simpson (#2893642-32)

Of the characters I will cast here at Central Turkey Casting, the final one is Mike McQueary. Whoever gets the role must be tall, athletic, and capable of believable mendacity. (Is there a common theme here?) Well, folks, that’s not my idea — I am not calling either Spanier or McQueary liars — but I am imagining how Hollywood will handle this and I see villain written all over this role. Once again, this is a job for someone who can look you straight in the eye and lie to your face. Red hair is completely optional. Hollywood is make-believe. They can do anything they want, and in this case, they’ll be casting O.J. Simpson, athlete turned actor turned murderer turned armed robber turned jailbird for the McQueary role. What’s that you say? The skin complexions don’t match? Well, in politically correct Hollywood, that don’t mean shit. Better we should give a starving black actor the money than be historically accurate. Orenthal (#2893642-32, Nevada State Correctional) is our man.

Rip Engle — Played by Rodney Dangerfield?

With our main characters selected, we still have a veritable plethora of roles to be filled. Who should play Jay Paterno? Guido d’Elia? (I just threw that one in to see if you were awake. Hollywood won’t get down to the fine detail of the Penn State branding king and lifelong friend of “Papa Joe”. If they did, I’m thinking they should tap New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.) Fran Ganter, who delivered the fateful note to the Paternos on the Night of the Long Knives? Vicky Triponey? (I would seriously consider Rosie O’Donnell.) Mark Emmert? Rod Erickson? Karen Peetz? Lavon Chisley? Drew Astorino? Rip Engle?

Will this whole thing come off? Or will Pacino say, “I wanted to get out but they kept pulling me back in!!”? I suspect that it will come off and if so, I am hoping against hope that it is done well. Knowing Hollywood and the liberties it takes, I have my doubts that Penn State will be portrayed as a positive place. This isn’t going to be “Something for Joey”.

So, you do the casting. Who gets the roles? Is Pacino the right guy for the lead?

Jou wanna say hello to my leetle friend?

Don’t be cavalier about the Cavaliers! (Hoo?)

Posted on September 7, 2012 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Skip the crap and go directly to the football stuff.

Thomas Jefferson founded the the University of Virginia in 1819 long before there was football. An elite academic institution, UVA is tied for second place among public universities by U.S. News & World Report. It is one of only two U.S. public universities that have been awarded Triple-A credit ratings — their bonds are as good as good. Many famous feet have trodden on the beautiful Charlottesville campus known by its denizens as “the Grounds,” including President Woodrow Wilson, softball newsie Katie Couric, Florida’s senior senator Bill “Space Cadet” Nelson, SNL alumna Tina Fey, the ballin’ Barber Twins (Tiki and Ronde), and last but not least, Edgar Allan Poe.

Edgar Allan Poe, who was a ‘Hoo for a short while.

Oh, yeah, Poe actually went to school there, but he lasted only a year. His rich uncle got tired of sending him mo’ money to cover his drinking and gambling, so he drifted on, eventually joining the Army. You probably know the rest of his story, so I’ll STFU for now. Besides, you didn’t check in here to learn about 19th Century drunken poets, so I’ll just end your misery by dedicating the following Poe opus (a Poepus?) to our wonderful Penn State Board of Trustees.

A Dream

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed—
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream—that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What through that light, thro’ storm and night,
So trembled from afar—
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth’s day-star?

—

Works for me. Poe’s mah man!

Let us introduce our opponent. While the official nickname of the University of Virginia sports teams is The Cavaliers, they’re fondly known locally as The ‘Hoos. ‘Hoos is short for Wahoos, which is short for Wah-Hoo-Wah. Whatever that is was glorified in the song that functions as the Cavaliers’ touchdown song and also their Alma Mater, called “The Good Old Song of Wah-Hoo-Wah”, or “The Good Old Song”, for short. Its words are sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Here’s the first verse:

The good old song of Wah-Hoo-Wah,
We’ll sing it o’er and o’er;
It cheers our hearts and warms our blood
to hear them shout and roar.

We come from old Virginia
where all is bright and gay;
Let’s all join hands and give a yell
for dear old U.V.A.

Those of you who read my made-up story about how Ohio U’s Rufus got his name last week are probably waxing cynical as you read this. But I swear, this is true ‘Hoo legend. I looked it up!You can’t make shit like this up!

I’m thinking that maybe the Nittany Lions should adopt “In-a-gadda-da-vida” as their touchdown song and then they could be known colloquially as the Gads or something. Nahhh… never mind.

Hello, there, those of you who clicked on the “skip the crap” link. Sorry you don’t like history and poetry, but at the Nittany Turkey, we have a deeply ingrained academic culture that sometimes pushes football aside. We fear that if we step out of line, the NCAA will find a way to impose sanctions on Penn State. Hell, Erickson has already announced that he accepts whatever sanctions will be given to Penn State for UNC’s academic morass.

Focus, Turkey!

Virginia Cavaliers The Virginia ‘Hoos (1-0) host the beleaguered Penn State Nittany Lions (0-1), for the teams’ first meeting in ten years. The Cavaliers are coming off a 43-19 manhandling of the Richmond Spiders, while you know the sad story of the Nittany Lions’ last game, a 24-14 loss to Ohio.

It couldn’t have been a fun day for the Spiders, who wound up with just 28 yards rushing, although they were able to pass for a halfway respectable 238 yards. However, Virginia more than doubled Richmond’s output with 184 yards rushing and 361 yards passing, and they played error-free ball.

Bill O’Brien is quite familiar with Scott Stadium, a venerable venue with an expansion history similar to Beaver Stadium, which can produce enough fan noise to be disquieting to a visiting team. Having been an assistant coach in the ACC before hopping over to the NFL, O’Brien knows that his team will need to keep their cool.

“I’ll tell you, though, I’ve coached in games in Met Life Stadium in New York, I’ve coached in games in the Oakland Raiders’ stadium, so I’ve been in some hostile crowds. I think at the end of the day we’ve got to be able to deal with the crowd noise, because having gone to Charlottesville many times at Georgia Tech and Maryland and Duke, it’s a very loud home crowd, it’s a great home advantage for Virginia, and we’ve got to do a great job this week of practicing with the crowd noise because that’s the biggest thing, not what they’re yelling but how loud they are.”

Who is the ‘Hoo’s QB? Junior Michael Rocco, who should have been a Nittany Lion. After all, his daddy was a quarterback on the 1982 national champion team at Penn State as well as a Paterno assistant, and his grandparents still live in State College. But no, Michael had to be different, so he opted for the Cavaliers.

“My family wanted me to pick the right school for me and if that was Penn State they’d be happy, but if it was anywhere else they’d be happy,” Rocco said. “At the end of the day, we chose Virginia and I haven’t looked back since.”

Last year, Rocco completed 222 of 366 passes for 2671 yards—a completion percentage of 60.7—with 13 touchdowns and 12 interceptions. In last week’s game against Richmond, Rocco completed passes to 11 different receivers. Rocco is backed up by the talented Alabama transfer, Phillip Sims.

Running the ball, senior Perry Jones has help from sophomores Khalek Shepherd and Kevin Parks; being this deep can make for another long, hot day for the Penn State front seven. Fortunately, none of the three tops 200 lbs. Even the fullback, senior LoVante’ Battle, is only 5-10, 205.

Soooooo, this Turkey thinks that the depleted Penn State secondary will have a great deal of trouble handling Rocco’s passing game. Morris was day-to-day but is expected to play, but there is a real concern that the inexperienced personnel back there will cause the secondary to leak like a sieve. Meanwhile, Jones et al. can grind it out with the primary defense, keeping them honest and out of Rocco’s hair. Virginia is said to have one of the best, most experienced offensive lines in the ACC. If the Lions’ pass rush is unsuccessful, Penn State will drop another game. I believe that it is as simple as that.

If we look at Penn State’s offense, we get a little queasy. With Bill Belton resting his sprained ankle, Bill O’Brien announced that Derek Day will start at running back. That should be enough to make you queasy right there. I’m hoping that we’ll see some Curtis Dukes in there, and perhaps Akeel Lynch as well. As for passing, McGloin has to spread the ball around a bit better; concentrating on Allen Robinson and Kyle Carter is a gift to the ‘Hoo defense. Fortunately, the Wa’ secondary is in about the same sorry shape as Penn State’s. There’ll be chances, if McGloin has the time and can keep the ball on target. The Nittany Lions’ offensive line, however, is not yet ready for prime-time, which will complicate matters for McGloin. Even against Virginia’s fair-to-middlin’ defense, I’m not liking the offense’s ability to put numbers on the scoreboard.

On special teams, let us hope that the Gerald Hodges experiment has concluded with a big red “X” over Hodges’ name on the kick return crew’s depth chart. State still doesn’t have a solid return game. Virginia does—at least they did against the Spiders last week—so the coverage units better do their job or there’ll be a reckoning, I tell you! Shepherd had two kick returns for 90 yards, but his two punt returns averaged only 4.5 yards.

Coaching should be about even. Yeah, Bill O’Brien coached in the Super Bowl, but this is his first shot at being the head man. He’s learning fast about the buck stopping there. We still can expect to see some rookie mistakes out there on the field in play calling and in personnel selection. (Yeah, the Hodges thing still gets on my nerves.) On the other side of the field, Mike London served as head coach of the Richmond Spiders in 2008 and 2009, and then was hired by UVA after Al Groh got the axe in 2010. London led the Spiders to the FCS division championship both years that he coached there. After a 4-8 season in 2010, London guided the 2011 ‘Hoos to a 8-5 record and an appearance in the much maligned Chick-fil-A Bowl in Atlanta. London won the Male Coach of the Year award from the Black Coaches & Administrators Association n 2008, beating out Mike Tomlin, who won the Super Bowl with the Steelers that same year.

The ABC national broadcast features Mike Patrick, Ed Cunningham, and Jeannine Edwards. I was hoping for Todd Blackledge, who always makes it a bit of old home week when he does the broadcast from Beaver Stadium, but he’ll be working the Washington-LSU game. Cunningham played for the Huskies, so we should switch crews. You might remember Edwards from the infamous Ron Franklin Chick-fil-A Bowl incident. Franklin, then 69, joined the sportscasters’ hall of shame when he condescendingly called Edwards “sweet baby” during a pre-game meeting. Sexist! She objected, so Ron did what anyone would do in those circumstances. He called her an asshole. ESPN tried to yank him out of the booth for the Chick-fil-A Bowl for his offensive remarks to that chick, but they didn’t have time to get a replacement; however, they fired his ass, so that’s that.

The weather this week promises to be pretty steamy again: Mostly cloudy with a couple of showers and a thunderstorm in the afternoon, with a high of 84°F (29°C). Will the Nittany Lions’ defense be able to handle the heat?

So where are we and where is this Penn State team? This week will tell whether there is hope or this season is going slowly down the drain. The vaunted front seven had better perform this week — it’s all we have going for us, methinks. Forcing Rocco to pass would be self-defeating if he was any good. Fortunately, he’s not all that. I’d like to see a mistake-free game, if that’s not asking for too much. Otherwise, I still don’t have a good enough feel for the team to be making assertions about what they’ll do and who they’ll do it to. They played one good quarter last week. How many will they play this week?

And so, my fellow Americans, it is now time for that which you have been awaiting: The Official Turkey Poop Prediction for the Big Cats from Whodat vs. the ‘Hoos from Dat’s Who. The Turkey is 0-1 for his predictions this year, and 0-1 against the spread. The Cavaliers are favored by 10 points, with an over/under of 44½, which suggests a 28-17 win by Virginia. Let’s see, the dreaded intangibles are: noon start; road game; noisy, boisterous home crowd; plus the ghosts of Tom Jefferson and his slave mistress sitting with the ectoplasmic recreations of George Jefferson and Weezie in the stands. Those are a lot of daunting intangibles. In the purloined words of the late, lamented Joe Paterno, “Naaaaah, fer cryin out loud, they’re a good football team and if we don’t watch ahselves, weah gunna take a lickin’ out theah. We gotta lotta work to do to get ready for them!” Too much work, Joe. You’re gunna get a lickin’! In an not-too-surprising non-upset, Cavaliers 31, Penn State 17.

They’re still fun to watch, regardless. I’ll be back after the game with a recap on Sunday or Monday.

Laser Focus: Catching Up!

Posted on September 6, 2012 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Holiday weekends, man! You feel like you’ve gotten a new week off and running, and you suddenly note that it’s Wednesday, 5:00 pm and you haven’t accomplished much of anything, and and and— Well, you all know the routine, and I’m certain that some of you are as deeply mired in it as is this Turkey.

I actually finished the t-shirt design for the Greater Orlando Heart Walk (click here or click on my widget on the right to make a donation to the AHA in support of cardiac and stroke research) for my insane cadre of local walkers. Moreover, I placed the order, so I can take that one off the deep procrastination list. Deep procrastination cost me an extra $35 rush fee, but you know what “they” say: haste makes waste.

One additional dubious accomplishment this week: I watched Sunday Night Football on NBC, which used to be Monday Night Football on ABC, on Wednesday night.

So, here I am cranking out the first halfway worthwhile post of the week sometime after midnight early Thursday morning, a Thursday that will feel like a Tuesday, and the Iraq and the South Africa, and yeah, some U.S. Americans don’t have maps…

This is LASER FOCUS, which means not much of anything, but it is a Peetzian term for which I have developed at least a short-lived affinity. Furthermore, after a turbid two weeks of perfidiously porcine platitudes from speakers at both Republican and Democratic conventions, celebrations during which the political piggies feigned laser foci upon the future, going forward, moving in the right direction, and so on, ad nauseam, instead of telling it like it is: “elect me, re-elect me, whatever — so I can cash in”, I felt that we should bring things into truly Turkeyesque focus, that is to say, into the quintessentially obscure circle of confusion.

“On Aug. 12, 2012, the Penn State Board of Trustees allowed nearly 9,000 of us to bear witness to their apathy…” —Jessi Lillo

Leading off this issue of Phaser Locus, or whatever the hell I said it was called (I’ve been forgetting a lot lately), is a plea from another local alumna, Jessi Lillo, a 1991 PSU grad who is one of the long-time mainstays of our Central Florida Chapter of the Penn State Alumni Association, as well as a dedicated disciple of PS4RS. She wrote a brilliant piece for StateCollege.com excoriating the media’s treatment of Penn State during our continuing credibility crisis, reflecting what many of us still feel and others of us who have displaced these issues with the bittersweet, nascent football season will be feeling around January. Buried deep in the bowels of StateCollege.com, it is entitled “An Open Letter to the Media” and it does not hold back anything. Dis babe says what’s on her mind and she can write, too. You’ll want to read it.

******

From the sublime to the ridiculous, ESPN.com, one of the media megawonks to whom I impute that Jessi obliquely referred in her meta-rant, reports that Sandusky wishes that he had taken the stand. No, man. You’re not only sick, but you’re delusional if you think your story wouldn’t have been ripped to shreds by a skilled prosecutor. After all, look at what Costas did to you, man. Fuggedaboudit! Write your book and shaddup!

******

While we’re on the subject of the despised, erstwhile Tickle Monster, ESPN was also the first bearer of the news that the scandalous schmuck known as Jer cost Penn State nearly $17 million thus far. Think of what that could have done for the university, for the victims, and for extortion money to keep me from writing bad stuff about Vickey Triponey. (This is the first time I’ve seen Triponey’s first name spelled with an ‘e’, on the official website of The College of New Jersey, where she is V.P. for Student Affairs. Ah pity da poor damn fool student who spelled it wrong on that page, if it is indeed spelled wrong.)

******

Just to keep you alert, let me just throw in that at this moment, Virginia is a 10 point favorite over PSU, with an over/under of 44½. Oh, and on the injury front, Bill Belton hasn’t practiced at all yet this week but Hodges and Morris have. O’Brien says Belton is day-to-day.

******

The Patriot-News reports that lawyers for Tim Curley and Gary Schultz are pursuing the trial judge for dismissal of the “failure to report charge”, because the statute of limitations has expired for that 2001 offense.

******

Did you know that Penn State actually could win the Leaders Division of the B1G this year, next year, …, 2017, … etc.? Well it is true. They can win the division and they can get a division champ trophy. So can Ohio State. Our friends at BSD have the story.

******

In our “Duh, No Shit, Sherlock?” Department, the ever vocal Bob Flounders takes a big risk of being way wrong when he writes “Unhappy Returns: Penn State linebacker Gerald Hodges may get pulled from return duty.” I think that any one of the McCabe Sisters could have been a better kick returner than Hodges. I thought O’Brien had given up on him after the fumble. Why would he want to push that project any further? It subjects a starting linebacker to injury, and frankly, he stinks at it. Aside from the fumble, nothing he fielded went anywhere. So, IMHO, Flounders is floundering around stating the obvious or the oblivious, depending on what you think of Flounders.

******

Bring on the gallows! Bill O’Brien showed remarkable restraint and patience in the post-game press conference, calmly discussing issues involving play execution while blaming problems on himself, which brought to mind a press conference retort by the legendary John McKay, who was coaching the winless Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the time. After a game, a reporter asked him, “Coach, how did you feel about your team’s execution?”

“Execution?” responded the quick-witted McKay. “I have to say that I’m completely in favor of it!”

******

Speaking of Vickey with an ‘e’, which I still think should be Vicky, and that’s how I intend to continue to spell it, a recent study of Penn State athletics concluded that Dr. Triponey was blowing wind in asserting that the “football culture” at Penn State is all-pervasive. Anne Danahy of the Centre Daily Times reports on this one.

******

I usually try to find a humorous piece for my last focal point but instead today, I give you a head-scratcher. Hell, if that’s all this makes you do, you’re coming out way ahead, even if you scratch bloody furrows all the way down to your dura mater. The title of the article I present to you from the Raleigh News & Observer is entitled “The NCAA’s clean bill for UNC brings howls” — that should give you an idea of what you’re in for. Recall that for over five years, hundreds of UNC so-called student-athletes in two major money sports, football and basketball, received phony grades for phony classes in African and African-American Studies, which was revealed in UNC’s internal audit. Just before the holiday weekend, our capricious and arbitrary friends of the NCAA told UNC that they didn’t do anything wrong. Exonerated! Forgiven by the same yo-yos who landed so heavily on Penn State. Oh, hey, tell me another whopper like that! Surely, the NCAA couldn’t let UNC go Scot free! No way! Academic fraud committed to favor sports programs by enabling gorillas with half a brain to be eligible to play, and some of this while on probation for recruiting sins? Nothing wrong with that? What a strangely dichotomous system of rules invented for any occasion does the good old NCAA live by!

OK. I’m going to go break into a drug store and steal some oxycodone. If anyone asks, I’ll refer them to Emmert. WTF!?

******

Sorry that I couldn’t find anything better than that with which to wrap this up, but it’s worth reading and pondering.

I have to get started “breaking down” Virginia. I’ll be back soon with the preview of the big Rodney Dangerfield Memorial “We Ain’t Got No Respect” Bowl in Charlottesville, replete with a level of sarcasm that fully depends on the mood I’m in at the time I write it. Catch you then!

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Pacino Will Play JoePa in BioPic: Who will play Sandusky?

Joe Paterno — played by Al Pacino