The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home Archives for 2013

Archives for 2013

I know, right?

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Miss Teen South Carolina“I know, right?” (There is no pause for the comma and only a half-assed rise in tone in the popular vocalization of this non-functional rhetorical abomination.) This is the latest in a long series of idiotic spews by the brainless illiterati.

From whence the hell cometh these vacuous vogue interjections?  Popping up frequently, they come and go. Verily, they tend to remain popular about 3.141592653589 years before they yield their vacuous utterance space to the next non-functional nonsense interjection.

I know, right?

I usually pick on hack sports writers, fancying myself as one of the breed, but this stupid expression transcends even the illiterate sports hack community. It’s all pervasive, so it must have come from the movies or TV.

I know, right?

If you know, then why the hell do you have to ask me if you’re right? I know that you’re just trying to nullify my assertion, whatever the hell it was in the first place, and preempt further commentary without debate. You couldn’t do a better job of painting yourself as a dumb blonde.

You do know! Right!

Alright, already!

This ranks right up there with the insipid “I’ll let you go,” which misrepresents one’s desire to terminate a phone call as being the other guy’s responsibility. Unlike IKR?, ILYG has legs, as “they” say, if only because in this politically correct society it is considered somehow insulting to say bye-bye.

In the texting milieu, TTYL, which translates to “talk to you later” is the preferred technique for softening the blow of signing off. It is a lie, as the perpetrator has no plans to talk to you at any time in the future, or in fact now, because she’s texting you instead of talking. Thus, “later” might never come, as she’ll be texting whoever she’d rather be texting when she mitigated her rejection of you with “TTYL”. Disingenuousness abounds in the wonderful world of texting.

I know, right?

I get stuck on these things every once in a while. Okay, maybe more often than that.

Hell, it beats watching DogTV on DirecTV Channel 354, which is intended for dogs and stoners. Dogs watching TV? WTF?

I know, right?

Hey, I can have a dialog with myself, mindlessly agreeing with everything I say! Or not. I just have to drop in the mindless interjection “I know, right?”

In serious local news, a woman was attacked by a bear yesterday while walking her dog. The news said it was probably a Florida black bear. Isn’t that a racist conjecture? Polar bears commit crimes, too.

I’m not taking anything for this back spasm. I swear I’m not.

Vanderlinden Out

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Penn State head football coach Bill O’Brien wasted no time in making a couple of post-season coaching moves on Monday, according to reports, dumping Paterno Dynasty holdover linebackers coach Ron Vanderlinden and second-year quarterbacks coach Charlie Fisher.

Fight On State’s Mark Brennan opined that “The days of Penn State football having a static coaching staff for years on end appear to be over.”

This will leave highly respected and much-loved Larry Johnson, Sr. as the only remaining vestige of the Paterno regime. I had felt that O’Brien would want to replace Vandy and LJ when the timing was right. It will take longer for the timing to be right with respect to LJ due to the aforementioned high respect and much love. O’Brien has made this program his own and will continue to do so. I give LJ, a solid recruiter, one more year.

O’Brien is closed-mouthed about the moves, as anyone who has dealt with him would expect. He frequently speaks in code; thus, we’ll have to look for nuances here and there. The truth will eventually emerge.

Vanderlinden didn’t return Brennan’s call, so we will have to wait for any smoke signals from that camp.

Heading into the recruiting season, O’Brien is obviously working quickly to assemble his team.

It was always this turkey’s feeling that Vanderlinden and Johnson were retained somewhat begrudgingly as a perceived requisite for alumni appeasement, given the turmoil surrounding the St. Joe firing and the Tickle Monster scandal. Too much change too fast would upset the fragile balance. Now that O’Brien is entrenched, he can shuck the surly bonds of the Paterno past with impunity. And he will. The new broom is still in the process of sweeping clean. To dump both legacy assistant coaches in one fell swoop would have been too much. LJ will wait and he’ll probably retire gracefully. When he does, it’ll be “his idea.” O’Brien seems to have the political timing concept down pat.

One thing is for certain. Unlike the late Paterno years, we won’t be bitching that a static coaching staff has rendered Penn State devoid of new blood and new ideas.

Neither Vanderlinden nor Fisher is reportedly under consideration by USC for that institutions’ open head coaching position.

Badger Badger Badger?

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badgersWhere were those Badgers who had made Thanksgiving mincemeat out of the Big Ten? Huh? Were they out in a field somewhere multiplying, along with the mushrooms and snakes? Where the hell were they yesterday when they wound up being throttled by the Nittany Lions 31-24? Man, they had everything going for them — home field, BCS opportunities, huge point spread (25 points???) — but somehow they managed to look more like a struggling underdog out there. With nothing to lose or to gain, Penn State outplayed them and emerged victorious. All hail the mighty Lions!

For a change, turnover margin was decidedly on Penn State’s side, with the good guys intercepting Joel Stave three times. Two of those picks led to touchdowns. And although erratic kicking and a veritable of plethora of motion penalties told the story of a less than perfect effort by the Lions, they were able to make the big plays and ultimately prevail.

Apparently overly impressed with themselves, with the point spread, and with the pre-game hype that marginalized the Nittany Lions, Wisconsin came out flat and stayed flat the entire game. They knew Penn State would try to stuff the run, loading up the box, but their attempts to find alternatives revealed a less than competent passing game. When Stave was not being intercepted or making just plain crappy throws, his receivers were dropping catchable balls. He made 29 of 52 passes for 339 yards, three TDs, and three INTs. Messrs. Gordon and White combined for 147 yards on the ground.

Christian Hackenberg had a much better day, his best so far as a Nittany Lion, completing 21 of 30, with four TDs and no INTs. He also had exactly 339 yards. Zach Zwinak was given the vast preponderance of the running chores, carrying 22 times for 115 yards. Bill “I Sick” Belton had only three carries for seven yards.  Back to da passing, Hacky spread the ball around to his cadre of receivers, which by the way did not include the previously categorized as increasingly unreliable Brandon “Don’t Call Me Moseby” Felder, who is presently in this turkey’s doghouse. This time, the rookies did well, giving us some warm feelings about the Nittany Lions’ future, with Geno Lewis catching three for 91 yards and two TDs, and Adam Breneman catching three for 78 yards and a TD. Allen “Gimme da Damn Ball” Robinson got his contractually obligated eight receptions, once again matching his uniform number. That’s the way it has to be. It is so written. Amen.

This turkey is impressed with a team that doesn’t quit. With nothing to play for but pride, they marched into Camp Randall and dismantled the overstuffed, overrated Badgers, who looked off-kilter from the opening kickoff right on through the rest of the game. No one — and I mean no one — saw this coming! I personally did not believe that the Nittany Lions could pull off a winning record this year, and yet, here they are finishing up at 7-5. Great job, guys! Don’t let the Sanguinarians’ displeasure with anything less than an 11-1 season daunt your overachieving asses. And to the football superstitionalists and their numerologist cousins, I guess you were right about this one!

So does this mean that the Sanguinarians will be setting up unreal expectations for next season? Perhaps so, because that is the nature of a Sanguinarian, but so I won’t dwell on that for a while. So this is a win to feel good about, so let’s just feel good for a while, savor it, and enjoy the feeling, so… After all, it’s a lonnnnnnnng off-season, during which it is a helluva lot be’-er to walk around with a sweet taste of victory than a bi’-er pill of defeat. Good show, guys!

Given all they were up against again this year without even considering some devastating injuries, 7-5 is worthy of a celebration. Throw in the injuries and it’s damn near a miracle.

******

Crazy-ass games abounded during this rivalry week! FSU, as expected, manhandled the toothless Gators, who finished the season with their crappiest season since 1979. Hell, Charley Pell was the coach back then and they finished 0-10-1. The Seminoles will play for the ACC championship next week against a crazy-ass, unlikely opponent, Duke.

Then, there was the crazy-ass Ohio State vs Michigan game with the crazy-ass decision to go for two in the waning seconds when a kick would have tied it. Michigan, I suppose, had nothing to lose by going for the win, but Paul Somerville and the statgeeks will tell you that their odds would have been slightly better in overtime than going for two. So, they lost 42-41. Bummer, because that means OSU is undefeated and will likely get their asses kicked by FSU in the SSMNC game, if things play out as expected. However, Moo U. could be spoilers next week in the B1G championship game in Indianapolis. I’ll be rooting for them.

Of course, you all know about the crazy-ass finish to the Iron Bowl, with Nick Saban deciding to kick a long field goal instead of playing it safe on fourth down, and said crazy-ass long field goal missing and returned the length of the field by Auburn for the win. Yeah, earlier in the day Lee Corso had put on the elephant head but guest predictor Charles Barkley — the erstwhile Round Mound of Rebound of Auburn — correctly predicted that the Tigers would emerge victorious. They’ll face Mizzou in the SEC championship next week, after those other Tigers pissed off the vaunted asshole Johnny Manziel in their own crazy-ass game. The LSU Tigers, the Grambling Tigers and the Princeton Tigers can only sit home and watch, although the boys with the striped socks actually did win the Ivy League. The Clemson Tigers, who lost to South Carolina, will be wondering what might have been, as their season evaporated before their very eyes. So OK, enough already with the Tigers.

******

I want to thank youse guys, the readers, for bearing my bullshit for another great season of Penn State football. Every week I demonstrate how little I know about the subject. My job is to get the conversation started and you make me look good by taking that ball and running with it, making the world a better place. So, special thanks to those who write copious comments: BigAl, jd, Joe, K. John and others too numerous to mention; and equally special thanks to the silent readers who keep coming back for more. I know who some of you are, but from the hit counts I know there are more of you out there. Whether you join in the fray or just sit back and watch the action, I am flattered that you spend some of your valuable time here. Thank you all for a fine season and a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! (And Happy Hanukkah to you Landsmen and Happy Holidays to you atheists, etc., etc., political correctness, you know.)