The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home Archives for 2016

Archives for 2016

Bye Week at Rutgers

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#9 Penn State (8-2, 6-1 Big Ten) vs. Rutgers (2-8, 0-7)

RutgersI don’t want to jinx the Nittany Lions, because providing the Scarlet Knights’ first conference win would be the embarrassment of all embarrassments. Still, I’ve got to say that I likely haven’t seen as putrid a season’s performance as Rutgers’ this year. Therefore, we’ll consider this a bye week, tantamount to playing a scrimmage before a home crowd, just for the hell of it.

Big Ten opponents have outscored the Scarlet O’Haras  290-73, and although it is hard to imagine a program that is in worse shape than Maryland, Purdue, Illinois, and Moo U., Rutgers is it. They’re so pathetic that ESPN, who typically have a comment for all occasions, said the following in their Big Ten Power Rankings: [Read more…]

Second Half Team?

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#10 Penn State 45, Indiana 31

I could use some trite-ass headlines such as “A Tale of Two Halves” (or “Halfs”, as I’ve seen on the Internet), but instead I’ll blame the moniker “Second Half Team” on James Franklin. The Nittany Noonies (8-2, 6-1)  had to come from behind to beat the Whodat Hoosiers (5-5, 3-4) in another slow start with the newfound feature of a false start — a promising opening drive followed by a gawd-awful rest of the first half. They could have made Indiana look good, were the Hoosiers not equally inept. [Read more…]

Hoosiers at High Noon

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#10 Penn State (7-2, 5-1) vs. Indiana (5-4, 3-3)

Indiana UniversityThe Hoosiers represent Penn State’s only remaining opponent with a winning record, so I’ve been encountering all sorts of unrestrained optimism about the Nittany Lions’ post-season destiny. The range is astounding — anywhere from the Outback Bowl in Tampa, a reachable target, to the Keith Jacksonesque “Grandaddy of Them All” in Pasadena, which would require the moon to be in the Seventh house and Jupiter to align with Mars. Or perhaps for Gary Johnson to be elected POTUS, as long as I’m writing this on the eve of the most ridiculous U.S. general election in a helluva long time.

(While I’m at it, God save the U.S. of A. — one way or the other, we’re going to need it! But I digress.)

But please, let’s take ’em one at a time. Right now, the Nittany Lions’ phones are no doubt beeping with texts from head coach James Franklin, reading, “Indiana. Indiana. Indiana.” Let us follow his suggestion and not look past this next game to the anticipated glory beyond.

And yeah, Katie, stop smelling damn roses, already, unless you’re harkening to the distant sounds of “Louie, Louie” at a long forgotten East Halls jammy in 1965.

Oh, OK. If it’s more fun to have your pipe dreams, go ahead by all means! [Read more…]