Archives for October 2020

Okay, that was sarcastic.

The #18 Penn State Nittany Lions (0-1) host the #3 Ohio State Buckeyes (1-0) in what will be a vacuum-packed monster mash on Halloween in Beaver Stadium (which will eventually be known as something like St. Joe Memorial Field at Verizon Beaver when the $73.5 million fund raising campaign to resolve the football program shortfall sells naming rights to the highest bidder). Penn State will be dressing up as a football team. Trick or treat!

Just like how the looming national election is being touted as the most important, consequential, monumental, and other similar superlatives, adjectives which we encounter every four years, this version of the Game of the Century ain’t all that.

Why, you ask?

Why, you ask? Because I said so. And in your mind of minds, you say so, too. The best indication of that was in some of the responses to a post on Facebook asking what must happen for PSU to win, which evoked responses such as “Ohio State’s bus breaks down” or “Ohio State’s top 70 players test positive for Covid-19”. Such disrespect for mighty Penn State, already!

What does eloquent Penn State head coach James Franklin have to say about the forthcoming game? Here it is, courtesy of Twitter:

Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State, Ohio State!#WeAre

— James Franklin (@coachjfranklin) October 25, 2020

The silver-tongued, pseudo-selfless James, who attempts to emulate George H. W. Bush‘s technique taught to him by Bush’s mother to not use “I” in his public speech, fails to convince us on that score. However, from the Tweet above, we can glean that he knows how to spell Ohio State. Ohyesyesyes! Moreover, he didn’t miss a single comma or the terminal exclamation point. I’ll add that George H. W. Bush famously stated, “Fluency in English is not something I’m often accused of.”

As for Franklin, same old crap, only with more iterations. Vintage James Franklin is an old dog that resists learning new tricks, like effective clock management.

But I digress, as usual. What of this game?

Vell, I’ll tellya. I don’t hold out much hope. I’d add a couple things to the list of Facebook responses I mentioned above. Do everything quarterback Justin Fields smacks his head on a leaky steam pipe at Beaver Stadium, suffering a concussion with attendant amnesia. Or Ryan Day is so disoriented by the absence of a white-out that he and his team cannot find the stadium. Dumbass comments, but they’re the best I could concoct. You get the picture.

The big hope is that tOSU’s running game will sputter as it did against Nebraska in their rust-laden initial outing. They tried a bunch of runs, for which Scott Frost had prepared his defense. When Day saw what was going on, he gave the ball back to his baller and he balled. Justin Fields, that is. Running and passing, this boy is a star. Passing numbers of 20-21 for 276 yards and two touchdowns are damn near perfect — except when you add 15 carries for 54 more yards and a touchdown on the ground, you get a guy who can do it all.

Defensively, though, the Schmuckeyes allowed 370 total yards, including 210 yards rushing, in that game against Big Red. ‘Braska was able to get 5.8 yards per carry. Adrian Martinez managed to complete 12 of 15 for 105 yards passing.

Turkey’s Pretentious Keys to the Game

The Nebraska game performance doesn’t look as lopsided as the final score of 52-17 would make it appear. Yes, there is a glimmer of hope if Penn State can get its passing attack in gear and figure out who should be running the ball, but THEY MUST STOP JUSTIN FIELDS. The last part of that is going to be difficult, but the running game is problematical, too, given that both Journey Brown and Noah Cain are done for the season. It will be Devyn “I’m Taking It In” Ford and two freshman prospects providing the rushing offense.

It goes without saying (so I’ll say it) that the following are trusims, courtesy of the late Frank Gifford, as sardonically mocked by the late Howard Cosell:

I’ll stop using “I” for a while, so can sound like Franklin. Didn’t see much hope for the passing game against Indiana. Not going to know much about it until seeing it perform against Ohio State’s defense. Had to run a dumbed-down offense due to limited practice opportunities. Missed lots of open targets. Not many “chunk” plays. Lacked “explosiveness”. Too few “explosive” plays. (I’m sure as hell getting tired of hearing Franklin use that word “explosive”.). See Jahan Dotson run. Run run run. Oh Oh Oh. Won’t happen this week. No No No.

I’m back to writing in the first person. ????? ??? ???? ??????? Screw it!

I agree with ESPN’s Matchup Predictor, which is based on ESPN’s Football Power Index. ???? ??? ???? It gives PSU a 21% chance of winning. p = .21

Last Year

Did I mention last year’s score of 28-17 at the Horseshoe? It has little relevance to this year’s outcome, but I thought I would mention it anyway because it was one game in which the confusion factor of a Will Levis run paid off. The Lions had a helluva third quarter after trailing 21-0. Jake Pinegar made a 42-yard field goal in the miraculous comeback, part of the 17 unanswered points. It didn’t even get close to either upright. Alas, nothing happened in the final stanza except for tOSU scoring a meaningless Fields to Olave touchdown to seal the victory.

Da Wedda

So, what kind of weather will we see in Beaver Stadium? Funny you should ask. I haven’t looked it up yet. Hang on and I will. Okay, I’m back. Ahh, late October in State College. Wait fifteen minutes and it will change. (Wait! They say that everywhere!) Kickoff time temperature is forecast to be 38°, which should hold steady for the game. Winds will be 7 MPH, with no precipitation forecast. A slightly chilly game for the fans, but since no fans will be there, nobody cares.

Official, Lame Turkey Poop Prediction

For you nonexistent new readers, this is the section of my weekly pre-game column where I issue my out-of-the-ass prognostication for the game ahead. I call that the Official Turkey Poop Prediction (OTPP), because like all sportswriter predictions (only worse), it is an awful, steaming pile of offal. And you can take that to the bank. (Or more likely, the poor house).

What do the gamblers think? They are laying off Penn State, that’s for sure. ???? ??????? ???? That p = .21 is sure looming large in their thinking, with the money line as lopsided as it is. However, tOSU is favored by 12 now, with an over/under of 63.5. The spread might tempt some. Just remember 52-17 was the outcome of the Nebraska game. (I know. I know. We’re not Nebraska, already!).

Now, let’s translate the present gambling imbalance to the score the betting suggests, which is 38-26 (Penn State on the losing side, of course). How does this intrepid turkey see the game? I think the defense will overcommit to Fields, which won’t make any difference because he’ll get his yards one way or the other. Absent a strong and persistent presence of PSU defenders in the backfield, the Schmuckeyes will win this one going away in a walkover. What’s that you say? We always keep it close in Beaver Stadium? Not this time. Penn State 23, Ohio State 49. Take the over.

I’ll be back after the game with some comments if I have time before the Steelers take on the Ravens in The Game of the Century.

Indiana 36, Penn State 35

Like a favorite old aunt rallying from a dread disease, our Lions gave us relapsing hope, then suddenly crushed us with an ever-escalating systemic shutdown that resulted in the death of the patient. A viewing will be held at the W.T.F Replay Funeral Home.

Although initial emotional assessments are divided between “we deserved it, the way were outcoached and outplayed” and “the replay official fucked us,” the replay is what Sanguinarians will always recall. Oblique angled video showing Michael Penix, Jr.’s valiant 6’3″ fully stretched body diving for the corner pylon will haunt the annals of Penn State bullshit for the rest of some people’s lives. Long after this turkey hangs up his keyboard, Penn State fans will be looking back at that moment of crushing defeat as a sure, albeit paranoid, confirmation that Big Ten Officials hate Penn State and will do anything to put us down because we’re not Michigan or Ohio State.

Replay Bullshit

As for me, I think the damn replay stuff is bullshit. The rule says that indisputable evidence must exist to overturn a call on the field. Of course, the Sanguinarians are all running around saying IT WAS OBVIOUSLY OUT OF BOUNDS, but it was anything but. The evidence, even in slo-mo, was anything but conclusive — we’re talking about millisecond timing and gnat’s pube hair distance differentials here. So I’m calling bullshit on the Sanguinarians.

Yea, verily, bad coaching put us in that position, and we couldn’t even capitalize on a wayward Indiana kicker’s dumbass decision when he all but handed us the game.

First Half Slopfest

The first half slopfest that called itself a game ended with the Hoosiers leading 17-7. Three Penn State turnovers handed the plucky enemy ten of those points. We can attribute that to the lack of practice, no warm up games with Kent State, and opening night jitters, I suppose. But in the words of the Four Seasons, LET’S HANG ON TO WHAT WE’VE GOT! Thank you, Frankie Valli.

Penalties, too. You know what I mean?

Field goals? Missed two. More rust?

Rallies and Hope

The patient rallied with a touchdown in the third quarter to narrow Indiana’s lead to three, and after allowing the gap to become six on a Charles Campbell field goal, began what couldashoulda been the game winning drive, capped by a 60-yard pass from Sean Clifford to Jahan Dotson. After the extra point, Penn State was up 21-20 with 2:30 left on the clock. They just needed a defensive stand and some good clock management.

They got the defensive stand, forcing a four-and-out deep in Indiana territory with a mere 1:47 left on the clock.

Boneheads Abound

Now, any armchair coaching idiot would have the answer in this situation, first and ten from the 14. Concentrate on the clock. The clock is our friend. Run around, maybe get the first down to seal the game and if not, hand the ball over on downs with a second or two on the clock. That ain’t what happened. Devyn Ford got the ball on first and ten and ran it in for the TD, taking a mere five seconds off the clock.

We all saw Ford’s hesitation and bewilderment as Indiana opened a path for him like Moses parting the Red Sea. On the one yard line, he hesitated looking around saying WTF? Did he take a knee there? Nope, he went in. We all saw it. We all said WTF? You could hear the WTF echoes all the way to Victoryville and back. Someone tripped over the cord to the ventilator. Auntie was rallying but we were worried.

Michael Penix and his troops confirmed our worst fears when they drove 75 yards for the touchdown. After a successful two-point conversion leaving only 22 seconds on the clock, the game was tied. Auntie? Can you hear us? We love you. Please hang on!

All Indiana had to do was kick it deep and let the clock be their friend this time. This provided their opportunity for egregious boneheadedness.

Thou Art a Dumbass

Kicker Jared Smolar inexplicably squibbed the ball, dribbling it to a surprised Daniel George for a bewildering net of 14 yards handing the ball to Penn State with a short field for a game-winning field goal. (Of course, field goals were an adventure on this day, so doubt crept into our minds). Could Auntie rally and be her old self?

The cameras displayed Tom Allen berating Smolar. Who knows what went through the kid’s mind as he made his dumbass kicking decision? The cameras followed #90 for a while, rubbing it in. If Penn State made a short drive, kicked a field goal, and won, this kid would be run out of Bloomington and would forever be a pariah. Think Steve Bartman and the Chicago Cubs in 2003 or Bill Buckner in an earlier baseball context.

However, the Lord of the Clock intervened in Smolar’s behalf. The Nittany Lions could only muster a nine-yard drive before being forced to kick a 57-yard game winning field goal with three seconds on the clock. Nope. Another bit of false hope. Overtime!

Overtime Drama

Penn State scored a touchdown on its possession and Indiana responded in kind. You know the rest. Ballsy call. Go for two. Determined quarterback. Controversial call. Indiana wins. The patient dies, shockingly.

As we mourn, half of us blame the doctors while the other half think it was what was to be.

For my money, I think Franklin’s clock management was awful, and his communication with the players was even worse. HOW THE HELL did Devyn Ford not get the message? Franklin sidestepped the issue in his postgame presser. We might never know, but I think he had his head straight up his ass, as did the rest of his anesthetized staff. Game management sucked.

I’m disgusted. Auntie didn’t have to go this way. It could have been much more dignified. What are your feelings on this mournful day?

Indiana vs. PSU: The Big Ten Returns

The mighty Penn State Nittany Lions (0-0) travel to Bloomington to meet the Indiana Hoosiers (0-0) in the first game of the coronafucked clustervirus 2020 off-again/on-again Big Ten Season. Let me join the rest of the hack sportswriters out there with nothing more interesting to say than, “At last!” Oy vey.

So, why such a formidable opponent for our first game without so much as a pre-season warmup with Kent State? (Don’t answer that. I just wanted to see whether you were still paying attention after getting all you needed to know from the first paragraph). Read on, if you dare!

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