Archives for November 2021

Senior Day on the Turkey Birthday

Saturday at high noon (oy vey, another nooner), the Nittany Lions 2021 seniors will be honored for their valiant service to the team over the past four or five years. Or even more, some seniors will be back next year because of the NCAA’s Covid-19 policy decision. This is all so confusing.

What is NOT confusing is that we’ll be experiencing a meaningless game for marginally bowl-eligible Penn State (6-4, 3-4 B10), a game that might spell the difference between post-season combat in Las Vegas, New York, Nashville, or Detroit. A loss in this game might seal the deal for a lovely winter week in Detroit. Good thing the stadium has a roof — -which we must hope will not collapse under the weight of copious lake-effect snow.

However, Rutgers (5-5, 2-5) will be playing for bowl eligibility. With one game remaining after this one, they’ll have to either win here on hostile turf or gamble it all on a home victory over Maryland next week. Winning one more will guarantee that they can compete with Penn State for the coveted Toilet Bowl.

Who IS Scarlet?

Rutgers has delivered some serious ass-kickings this year — over Temple (61-14), Delaware (45-13), and most recently, Indiana (38-3). They also had their asses handed to them by the Schmuckeyes (52-13), Moo U. (31-13), and Wisconsin (52-3). They narrowly lost to Michigan, 20-13, at the Big House, anomalously.

Given those wild perturbations, what can we expect? Were it not for the weather, we could expect that Penn State would be jumping all over them, as they appear vulnerable to explosive plays. But the wind might be a factor. Perhaps James Franklin will pretend once again to “ESTABLISH THE RUN“, given that Rutgers has allowed over 150 yards per game rushing.

Chop, Man, Chop!

What can we expect? Here’s what I think. I think we can expect to see “that dullard look” given the cold, noon start, and the apathy that goes with it. Rutgers has something to play for; Penn State does not, with Toilet Bowl eligibility guaranteed. The Scarlet Knights know they won’t be beating Maryland next week, so they better win here. So, it’s balls to the wall for Doug Graber Greg Schiano II. And there’ll be a lot of chopping. That what they do. They chop.

Dullards cannot chop. Scarlet Knights can chop. Chopping could spell the difference in this game. So, what the hell am I talking about, already, with the chopping, already.

Schiano, a former Penn State assistant in the 1990s produced that gimmick, like P J Fleck up in Minnesota rows the boat. “You’re in the middle of the woods and it’s pitch dark and it’s cold,” Schiano says. “You’ve got two choices: You can curl up and die or in essence get fired, or you can pick up an axe, pick one tree, look at the spot on that tree, and grab that axe as tight as you can and haul off and hit that spot.”

Rutgers Senior wide receiver Bo Melton said, “Going on the road, we chop the moment, and we stay in the moment. We prepare a lot during the week for the crowd. What we do here, just chop the moment and nobody can distract us.”

That’s all I know about “chop”. Don’t axe!

What the Grownups Are Doing

The Big Ten East could get interesting this weekend with all three contenders in action. Ohio State hosts Moo U. at the Horseshoe, while Michigan takes on Maryland at College Park. This Turkey feels that tOSU and Michigan will win, setting up next weekend’s 2021 edition of the Ohio State vs. Michigan border war, which Jim Harbaugh never wins. Looks like it will be tOSU vs. Wisconsin in Indy… something many had predicted at season’s outset.

This is the time of year when things get interesting in the FBS world. I feel so left out.

Da Wedda

Some sunshine giving way to clouds with a high of 44 and a low of 33. Winds from the south at 12 mph with gusts to 18. This should affect field goals and passing. So, let’s try a fake instead.

Da Bottom Line

Holy crap, how can Las Vegas be still hanging onto a 17-point spread on this one? I guess they could surprise us at any time, but the Nittany Lions haven’t looked seventeen points better than ANYBODY this year. It’s not just bad luck — they FIND WAYS to lose. I don’t think Greg Schiano & Co. is buying into the Penn State mystique. He knows too much. Chop. Chop.

The over/under is 46, which suggests a 32-14 game, favor of the Nittany Lions — about the same as the moral victory over Maryland. Oh, I think the Penn State defense can keep Rutgers on their heels, all right, but with nothing to gain and a lot of dullardization, will they? Meanwhile, Rutgers will be chopping away. Will the Penn State offense rise to the occasion or sink into Toilet Bowl oblivion? In the words of Sergeant Schultz, I know nothing! Penn State 6, Rutgers 3. Take the under.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

As you well know, this is a time for turkeys to lay low. The only thing saving our ass is the supply chain morass. If the trucks aren’t delivering turkeys, we aren’t sacrificing our asses. That’s all I know.

Artificially Sweetened and I will be trekking to Chicago to commemorate the mass murder of my fowl brethren. Joe Biden, in his confusion, pardoned a duck. Nevertheless, the Turkey wishes all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving, and hopes that you have plenty to be thankful for.

One last note. As of tomorrow, the Turkey will have existed on this planet for three quarters of a century, defying all odds.

(I’ll be back next week from the frozen north if I can get my icicle-covered ass in gear. Don’t want to miss the season finale with Moo U., now, do we?).

Michigan Does Just Enough to Win

The #6 Michigan Wolverines (9-1, 6-1 B10) prevailed over a game bunch of Nittany Lions (6-4, 3-4) in chilly, windy Beaver Stadium. Final score was 21-17.

As expected, Penn State mustered only 109 yards rushing, but the passing game was well controlled by the Michigan defense, who sacked Sean Clifford seven times to hold him to 205 yards passing, going 23-43. Jordan Stout, pressed into service now as a quintuple threat, was 1-1 passing for 18 yards.

Stout’s fake punt so titillated James Franklin that he had to try a fake field goal, this time using Stout as a receiver. This resulted in a loss of 18 yards on the ground, thus leveling Stout’s non-traditional offensive output at a big fat zero. ????? ????? As if that wasn’t bad enough, he coughed up the ball for a turnover.

Stout’s final stats: Field Goals 3-4; Passing 1-1 for 18 yards; Receiving 1-1 for -18 yards; Punting 4 for 204 yards.

Questionable Decisions

I shouldn’t have to write much other than the heading above, as we all know Franklin sucks at calling crucial plays. But let me say it: he sucks at calling crucial plays. In the fourth quarter after Keyvone Lee had started enjoying some success, having run for 88 yards on 20 carries, Franklin suddenly abandoned the run and reverted to the passing game, getting top receiver Jahan Dotson injured in the process and making him unavailable to play in the ill-advised 4th-and-two play that followed. Penn State had been bottling up the Michigan offense at that point, but hindsight is always 20-20, as “they” say.

Stout was three for four kicking field goals on a windy, crappy day. The overly aggressive fake probably took the place of a makeable field goal. Of course, fanboys being what we are, if the fake had succeeded, we’d be singing praise. Franklin said they had been practicing the fakes a lot. ??? ???? ???? ????? Of course, they weren’t practicing them against the Michigan defense. But WHY were they spending all that time practicing trick plays when the fundamentals are so lacking? ????? ???? ?????? ?? ???????

(I’ll reluctantly return for my take on the rumble with the Piscataway Pretenders.)

White Out, Stripe Out, Helmet Out, Bullshit Out…

Would Guido D’Elia approve? Probably. But come on, folks. Why all the bullshit? The White Out is special, and it should be reserved for big games, of which there are far fewer when the record suuuuuuuuuuucks. We’ll know we’ve reached rock bottom when the Rutgers game is a White Out, but alas, I digress. It’s like the PSU athletic marketing department is playing at being like great big adult hypesters — and failing miserably to avoid looking like a bunch of fourteen-year-olds (no offense to fourteen-year-olds, of course).

What is a Helmet Out and whose bright idea was it? I guess if the on-field action is so boring or deplorable that we need such distractions, we’re in deep shit. My cursory investigation suggests that it is largely a white-out, but with a “stripe” of blue at the 50-yard line, to resemble a Penn State helmet. Clever, eh? Oh yeah.

There. I got that out of my system, killjoy that I am.

So, this first inaugural ground-breaking earth-shattering Helmet Out game against Michigan is going to be barely noticeable because it is a noon kickoff on Saturday, when most of us are either raking leaves, returning shit at Home Depot, or washing the car. Most self-respecting students are nursing their hangover or cleaning up vomit spewed by the freshman girl they brought back to the dorm room last night. We distract ourselves with stupid patterns of colors in the stands so we don’t notice “that dullard look” on the team’s faces as they emerge from the tunnel, weary from having cleaned up after those freshman girls who couldn’t handle their vodka.

Don’t stop me, I’m on a roll!

Let’s Talk about the Game (Maybe)

Or stop me and tell me to talk about the game. Should I? Hell, I’m in the sports doldrums here because the Penguins look like shit this year, although injuries have claimed several talented players. The Steelers — well, the offensive line took several hits and Ben is getting old, but there was a bright spot in the Ravens’ loss to the Dolphins last night, so I’m thinking the Men of Still steel have a shot. (Clever thing I did there with Yinzer words, ain’t?). But butbut, you say, what about the Nittany Lions? Did you give up on them after the Iowa loss, or what?

Well, not quite. I gave up on them before the season started and didn’t believe the Sanguinarians’ dissonantly sung praise all along. How can they stay on the same field with a decent football team if they can’t run? How long have we been wishing that James Franklin would recruit some super stud offensive linemen? When you have media wonks like Bob Flounders and David Jones suddenly declaring that in today’s football milieu, you no longer must concern yourself with establishing the run, you know the compensatory bullshit has reached shoulder height and threatens to inundate the adenoids. Their solution: come out throwing and keep on throwing.

Three Things Can Happen

Legendary Texas football coach Darrell Royal once said that when you throw the ball, three things can happen and two of them ain’t good. That’s a one-third chance of success right off the bat, or right off the quarterback’s fingers, or whatever. Now, of course, my math is fucked up, because there isn’t exactly p=.333333 for each of those outcomes; other factors such as weather, windage, elevation, QB suckage, receiver butterfingers, and defensive aptitude at jumping routes enter the mix, creating an extraordinarily complex nonlinear programming problem that only Robert Thrush could solve. I’m dropping random names now. Anything but talking about losing to Michigan!

Well, all good things must end, and although I’m not through ranting — not by a longshot — I’ll demur demurely, cease and desist, stop the foolishness, and hop off this train for now. Let’s rock and roll.

No, Really!

Some have said it will come down to Michigan’s pass rush and how it is handled by the Penn State offensive line (or lack of same). I don’t know about that, but I’ll tell you one thing: Penn State cannot run the football. Thus, the only thing left to do is that thang that has three outcomes and two are bad. It’s their only shot against the Men in Maize and Blue with Wings on their Wolverine-themed helmet, as if they figured out that wolverines would be more vicious if they could fly, is to throw the ball. (Hey, can you imagine how a Helmet Out would look at Michigan Stadium?). The UM secondary is just a-ight. So, take a shot, already, Sean Clifford, weather permitting (and it might not)!

But the protection needs to be there, as Michigan does have a pair of super stud edge rushers. If this Penn State offensive line, which has been lauded for their pass blocking achievements as much as they have been vilified for their run blocking failures, is not up to par, Clifford will be eating dirt for much of the Helmeted-Out game and might well get hurt again. A bad sign is that he was sacked four times by lowly Maryland.

Besides, the only running game the Nittany Lions have been able to establish this year involved the Sean Clifford of old (who is no longer) doing a Lion’s share of the running, and he ain’t doin’ dat no mo’.

That’s all I know. If the Nittany Lions are lucky, they could win this. If pass protection breaks down, they’ll lose. Looking for that one, big EXPLOSIVE play against an upper-division Big Ten defense is like grasping at straws. This is not Villanova or Ball State. I still say they must master fundamentals and not just count on EXPLOSIVE plays. Michigan has more yards on the ground than by passing, so the defense will have to clamp down on the run. If Bloom-Off-The-Rose Jim Harbaugh takes a page out of the Bret Bielema book, look out.

Winning the Helmet Battle

Michigan brings an 8-1 record into Helmeted-Out St. Joe Memorial Field at Beaver Stadium. Their one loss was to Moo U., and it could have gone either way. Right now, that loss represents the difference between first and second place in the Big Ten East (and in the Big Ten overall). Moo U. subsequently lost to Purdue, so they sit there at 5-1, too. The Schmuckeyes remain atop the list at 6-0.

Toilet Bowl eligible Penn State, of course, is 6-3 overall, and with three conference losses, they don’t have a ghost of a chance at the Big Ten title. Winning this game could potentially mean the difference between highly desirable winter bowl destinations, such as New York, Nashville, and Lord help us, Detroit. But as I sit here with my head up my ass thinking, my thoughts go to Las Vegas as being the perfect venue for the garbage bowl of the year for Penn State. They’ve been gambling with those EXPLOSIVE plays all year. If our luck is running high, the Las Vegas Raiders could hire James Franklin to replace Jon Gruden while they’re out there.

Da Wedda

We’re getting to that fun time of the year in the northern climes when there is the omnipresent danger of freezing one’s balls to the stadium seats. I remember such a time at the Pitt game in 1964, when they had to put me on a radiator when I got back to the dorm. The weatherman calls for a shitty day in State College with a high of 44, a 58% chance of ball-freezing rain, and sustained winds of 15 mph with wind gusts to 29 mph in afternoon showers. There’s even a 12% chance of thunderstorms. Does this help with EXPLOSIVE plays? Hell no. But PSU cannot run the football. The weather could make them suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck even worse.

Old PSU Buddy Toejamashasky sure picked a shitty day to attend this game. He’ll need a Helmeted-Out rain-repellent fur coat — perhaps skunk (or would that be a stripe-out?). Remember what Sir Charles Barkley said about animals: they’re good for only two things, wearing and eating (and if God hadn’t intended us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?).

Da Bottom Line

So, here we are at that feature you have all been waiting for: the notoriously fallible Official Turkey Poop Prediction, that awful offal shot straight out of this foul old fowl’s copious cloaca. Our gambling buddies have barely moved the line from its opening Michigan – 2 to currently Michigan – 1½. The over/under is now 48½, suggesting a break-even final score of 25-23, in favor of Michigan. That sounds like a viable score for a PSU-Michigan game back when these things were competitive.

Thing is, given the weather and all, I don’t know whether PSU can put points on the board. The wind, cold, and rain not only don’t favor the pass, but also screw up field goals, which aren’t that good to begin with. If the PSU defense comes out flat, Michigan will achieve success in running the ball. And I’m thinking that is how it will play out. Michigan 27, Penn State 12. Take the under.

(I’ll be back with a recap, probably a bit anxious about the forthcoming major dust-up versus the Piscataway Pretenders).