Archives for 2021

Rutgers Couldn’t Chop

The mighty, Toilet Bowl-bound Penn State Nittany Lions (7-4, 4-4 Big Ten) shut out the Rutgers “Who is Scarlet” Scarlet Knights (5-6, 2-6) 28-0 on Saturday. Those who turned off the game after the first period puntfest missed all the action, including a long glimpse at a promising young backup quarterback.

Veilleux Proves Worthy

After Sean Clifford went down with an injury, freshman Christian Veilleux, who had been practicing all week as the prime backup, entered the game and impressed the chilled minions in St. Joe Memorial Stadium at Beaver Field. This was a fine seventy-fifth birthday present for your intrepid Turkey, who will invoke the declaration of the late Pittsburgh Pirates announcer Bob Prince: We had ’em all the way!

Many Nittany Lions were hobbled by the flu teamdemic, including Sean Clifford. When we say we could beat Rutgers with our hands tied behind our backs, this is mute proof. Clifford looked horrible before leaving the game with a crappy line of 2-8 for 23 yards along with a couple of scary near interceptions. Upon Clifford’s exit, after initial jitters, Veilleux settled down to produce a 15-24 performance, for 235 yards and three touchdowns.

Parker Washington was the leading receiver with six snags for seventy-two yards and a touchdown. Jahan Dotson was well corralled by the Rutgers defense, which was about the only chopping they were able to bring off, but he was still able to produce three receptions for fifty-two yards and a TD. Budding star freshman Malick Meiga thrilled us with a wide-open sixty-seven-yard TD reception.

Whither the Running Game?

The running game, as usual, sucked, although it was able to produce 149 yards from a collection of runners including Veilleux and seventh-string backup Mason Stahl. The leading rusher was stalwart Keyvone Lee, with 41 yards on thirteen carries and a touchdown.

First Half Boredom

The first half was a punters’ showcase, as nobody wanted to move the ball until Penn State was gifted with its first score in the second quarter. In what should have been a stopped drive with 3:47 left in the half, the dumbass Rutgers defender gave Noah Cain an extra shove out of bounds after he had stopped Cain with a three-yard loss on second and one at the Rutgers 46. PSU had been shitty on third-down conversions, so it was a fair bet that they wouldn’t gain the needed four yard and would have to punt. However, the highly personal foul resulted in a first down at the 34 yard-line, from which the Nittany Lions finally hit paydirt with 1:03 left in the opening demigame.

The flu-addled players were anxious to enjoy the steamy warmth of the halftime locker room. Many fans had already fallen asleep. I was playing solitaire on my smart phone. The score abruptly woke me up, making the rest of the game uncharacteristically amusing.

Around the Big Ten, Already!

Ohio State cleaned Moo U’s clock thoroughly, giving them a 56-7 ass reaming, as we had expected. Meanwhile, Michigan delivered a similar timepiece lavage and colonoscopy to Maryland, 59-18, thus setting up the big game next weekend where Ohio State takes on Michigan in the Big House and ends Jim Harbaugh’s coaching career at Big Blue.

Wisconsin edged Nebraska 35-28 to keep a firm hold on a piece of the West lead , while Iowa handled Illinois 33-23 to share that western division top spot. Purdue knocked off hapless Northwestern in a game played at Wrigley Field, 32-14. Minnesota euthanized poor Indiana, the only winless team in Big Ten combat, 35-14.

Barring something completely unforeseen, Ohio State will play Wisconsin in Indianapolis in the Big Ten Championship. The Buckeyes will, of course, win, setting them up to lose in the CFP. That’s my prediction and I’m sticking to it. Wisconsin should handle Minnesota next weekend, although there will be plenty of boat rowing. Iowa should knock off Nebraska, leaving them in a flat-footed tie with the Badgers for the B10 West. However, Wisconsin holds the tie-breaker with its 27-7 win over the Hawkeyes.

That Toilet Bowl Awaits!

Meanwhile, Penn State is in a prime position to score a highly desirable bowl bid. I would suspect that they’ll lose in E. Lansing next weekend, stuffed by Thanksgiving turkey (OMG OMG) and the flu, ending the regular season with a 7-5 record, which will put them squarely in competition with the middle ranks of the Big Ten for appropriate slots in the vast range of early December Toilet Bowls. I’m thinking their competitors will be Minnesota, Purdue, and Maryland. What a fine state of affairs this is! Nashville, Las Vegas, Detroit, or New York, here we come! (Start spreadin’ the news. I’m leavin’ today…. I wanna be a part of it…. aw, shaddup! Fuggedaboudit!),

Happy Thanksgiving to All

Despite it being a holiday that inspires carnivores to commit mass murders of innocent birds of my feather, this Turkey wishes you all an incredibly Happy Thanksgiving!

(I might be back next week from Chicago to preview the Moo U. game if family activities allow me the time).

Senior Day on the Turkey Birthday

Saturday at high noon (oy vey, another nooner), the Nittany Lions 2021 seniors will be honored for their valiant service to the team over the past four or five years. Or even more, some seniors will be back next year because of the NCAA’s Covid-19 policy decision. This is all so confusing.

What is NOT confusing is that we’ll be experiencing a meaningless game for marginally bowl-eligible Penn State (6-4, 3-4 B10), a game that might spell the difference between post-season combat in Las Vegas, New York, Nashville, or Detroit. A loss in this game might seal the deal for a lovely winter week in Detroit. Good thing the stadium has a roof — -which we must hope will not collapse under the weight of copious lake-effect snow.

However, Rutgers (5-5, 2-5) will be playing for bowl eligibility. With one game remaining after this one, they’ll have to either win here on hostile turf or gamble it all on a home victory over Maryland next week. Winning one more will guarantee that they can compete with Penn State for the coveted Toilet Bowl.

Who IS Scarlet?

Rutgers has delivered some serious ass-kickings this year — over Temple (61-14), Delaware (45-13), and most recently, Indiana (38-3). They also had their asses handed to them by the Schmuckeyes (52-13), Moo U. (31-13), and Wisconsin (52-3). They narrowly lost to Michigan, 20-13, at the Big House, anomalously.

Given those wild perturbations, what can we expect? Were it not for the weather, we could expect that Penn State would be jumping all over them, as they appear vulnerable to explosive plays. But the wind might be a factor. Perhaps James Franklin will pretend once again to “ESTABLISH THE RUN“, given that Rutgers has allowed over 150 yards per game rushing.

Chop, Man, Chop!

What can we expect? Here’s what I think. I think we can expect to see “that dullard look” given the cold, noon start, and the apathy that goes with it. Rutgers has something to play for; Penn State does not, with Toilet Bowl eligibility guaranteed. The Scarlet Knights know they won’t be beating Maryland next week, so they better win here. So, it’s balls to the wall for Doug Graber Greg Schiano II. And there’ll be a lot of chopping. That what they do. They chop.

Dullards cannot chop. Scarlet Knights can chop. Chopping could spell the difference in this game. So, what the hell am I talking about, already, with the chopping, already.

Schiano, a former Penn State assistant in the 1990s produced that gimmick, like P J Fleck up in Minnesota rows the boat. “You’re in the middle of the woods and it’s pitch dark and it’s cold,” Schiano says. “You’ve got two choices: You can curl up and die or in essence get fired, or you can pick up an axe, pick one tree, look at the spot on that tree, and grab that axe as tight as you can and haul off and hit that spot.”

Rutgers Senior wide receiver Bo Melton said, “Going on the road, we chop the moment, and we stay in the moment. We prepare a lot during the week for the crowd. What we do here, just chop the moment and nobody can distract us.”

That’s all I know about “chop”. Don’t axe!

What the Grownups Are Doing

The Big Ten East could get interesting this weekend with all three contenders in action. Ohio State hosts Moo U. at the Horseshoe, while Michigan takes on Maryland at College Park. This Turkey feels that tOSU and Michigan will win, setting up next weekend’s 2021 edition of the Ohio State vs. Michigan border war, which Jim Harbaugh never wins. Looks like it will be tOSU vs. Wisconsin in Indy… something many had predicted at season’s outset.

This is the time of year when things get interesting in the FBS world. I feel so left out.

Da Wedda

Some sunshine giving way to clouds with a high of 44 and a low of 33. Winds from the south at 12 mph with gusts to 18. This should affect field goals and passing. So, let’s try a fake instead.

Da Bottom Line

Holy crap, how can Las Vegas be still hanging onto a 17-point spread on this one? I guess they could surprise us at any time, but the Nittany Lions haven’t looked seventeen points better than ANYBODY this year. It’s not just bad luck — they FIND WAYS to lose. I don’t think Greg Schiano & Co. is buying into the Penn State mystique. He knows too much. Chop. Chop.

The over/under is 46, which suggests a 32-14 game, favor of the Nittany Lions — about the same as the moral victory over Maryland. Oh, I think the Penn State defense can keep Rutgers on their heels, all right, but with nothing to gain and a lot of dullardization, will they? Meanwhile, Rutgers will be chopping away. Will the Penn State offense rise to the occasion or sink into Toilet Bowl oblivion? In the words of Sergeant Schultz, I know nothing! Penn State 6, Rutgers 3. Take the under.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

As you well know, this is a time for turkeys to lay low. The only thing saving our ass is the supply chain morass. If the trucks aren’t delivering turkeys, we aren’t sacrificing our asses. That’s all I know.

Artificially Sweetened and I will be trekking to Chicago to commemorate the mass murder of my fowl brethren. Joe Biden, in his confusion, pardoned a duck. Nevertheless, the Turkey wishes all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving, and hopes that you have plenty to be thankful for.

One last note. As of tomorrow, the Turkey will have existed on this planet for three quarters of a century, defying all odds.

(I’ll be back next week from the frozen north if I can get my icicle-covered ass in gear. Don’t want to miss the season finale with Moo U., now, do we?).

Michigan Does Just Enough to Win

The #6 Michigan Wolverines (9-1, 6-1 B10) prevailed over a game bunch of Nittany Lions (6-4, 3-4) in chilly, windy Beaver Stadium. Final score was 21-17.

As expected, Penn State mustered only 109 yards rushing, but the passing game was well controlled by the Michigan defense, who sacked Sean Clifford seven times to hold him to 205 yards passing, going 23-43. Jordan Stout, pressed into service now as a quintuple threat, was 1-1 passing for 18 yards.

Stout’s fake punt so titillated James Franklin that he had to try a fake field goal, this time using Stout as a receiver. This resulted in a loss of 18 yards on the ground, thus leveling Stout’s non-traditional offensive output at a big fat zero. ????? ????? As if that wasn’t bad enough, he coughed up the ball for a turnover.

Stout’s final stats: Field Goals 3-4; Passing 1-1 for 18 yards; Receiving 1-1 for -18 yards; Punting 4 for 204 yards.

Questionable Decisions

I shouldn’t have to write much other than the heading above, as we all know Franklin sucks at calling crucial plays. But let me say it: he sucks at calling crucial plays. In the fourth quarter after Keyvone Lee had started enjoying some success, having run for 88 yards on 20 carries, Franklin suddenly abandoned the run and reverted to the passing game, getting top receiver Jahan Dotson injured in the process and making him unavailable to play in the ill-advised 4th-and-two play that followed. Penn State had been bottling up the Michigan offense at that point, but hindsight is always 20-20, as “they” say.

Stout was three for four kicking field goals on a windy, crappy day. The overly aggressive fake probably took the place of a makeable field goal. Of course, fanboys being what we are, if the fake had succeeded, we’d be singing praise. Franklin said they had been practicing the fakes a lot. ??? ???? ???? ????? Of course, they weren’t practicing them against the Michigan defense. But WHY were they spending all that time practicing trick plays when the fundamentals are so lacking? ????? ???? ?????? ?? ???????

(I’ll reluctantly return for my take on the rumble with the Piscataway Pretenders.)