Archives for September 2023

Penn State Hosts Iowa im ersten Ausweißenspiel

Pardon my phony Pennsylvania Dutch, but the first white-out game of the 2023 campaign is upon us, and Iowa is what Iowa is, and everybody knows what they are. According to James Franklin, “They are a base defense. They do what they do, and they do it extremely well and have been doing it a long time.” So, they are what they are. Great. Both teams are 3-0, and this is Iowa’s Big Ten opener. I won’t give rankings because they’re bullshit at this early juncture.

All this drivel recalls 6-4. Please, damnit, purge that memory sometime! Can’t … get … it … outta my head!

But it’s true. You know what you’ll get with Iowa. Serviceable defense with an occasional offense. They are what they are. And I’m Gumby, damnit!

No Offense, But…

They’ve got ex-Michigan QB Cade McNamara doing his Sean Clifford Act. He’s a 23-year-old, sixth-year senior at this point. His numbers, even behind a beefy offensive line averaging 310 lbs, have not been good. His August injury to his right quadriceps might have something to do with his less than sparkling performance in the first three games of 2023, where his QBRs have been 14.9, 48.0, and 32.4. Despite his big O-Line, he was sacked four times in the Western Michigan game last week. Methinks that his mobility, never very rabbit-like, is impaired even more than that which God stingily handed to him at birth.

Couple the ineffectual QB with the loss for the season of hotshot tight end Luke Lachey, the Hawkeyes’ leading receiver, and you reduce the aerial offense to short, safe passes. They’ll rely on the running game, where a trio of talented running backs might be trying to exploit Penn State’s undersized defensive front seven, where other teams have experienced success in the young season. Unfortunately, it will be a different trio than that which they employed last week. Two of those talented Iowa running backs were announced as injured and unavailable for the Penn State game, namely Kaleb Johnson and Jaziun Patterson, who have produced 195 yards between them. Leading rusher Leshon Williams is healthy, and he’ll be backed up by promising freshmen Kamari Moulton and Terrell Washington, Jr.

I think Iowa will be gaining some yards on the ground despite the absence of two leading rushers.

A Pitcher’s Duel?

Oh, no — don’t mention that 6-4 game again, ever! Yet, this could be a defense-oriented game. On the defensive side of the rock, Iowa is tied for 18th in scoring defense and 31st in total defense. They haven’t played anyone of note this year, but then again, neither has Penn State, so who knows what that means. Nevertheless, the prospect of defensive game on both sides of the ball looms large. In dat case, Penn State’s scoring defense ranks 13th and total defense ranks 16th, just for shits and grins.

Focus, Boys, Focus!

Facing three bye weeks (Northwestern, then a bona fide week off, then UMass) before their big denouement at the Horseshoe, Penn State better focus on this game and keep the mistakes to a minimum. Thinking ahead to a 6-0 record going into the Ohio State game is something for Sanguinarians, not for young college entrepreneurs who should be concerned about their NIL worth. Yea, verily, this is a game where we must go 1-0. So, no bullshit, guys. Penalties’ll killya, particularly crap like clocking a guy after the play is whistled dead, giving the enemy a cheap first down. The Paterno doghouse is no longer a threat to these guys, and it shows. “Fix mah arm, so mah NIL stock don’t go down!”

I believe that the punting game will be important against Iowa, so I hope they’re working on it. Both teams have some real return talent, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see a punt returned for a touchdown on either side.

Da Wedda

Now, the forecast calls for a chance of rain later in the day with a high of 68 and a low of 53. Inasmuch as the game will be played at 7:30 PM, this might be a factor. Too early to tell.

Da Bottom Line

Well, Mateys, you’ve reached the section of this column that is called the Official Turkey Poop Prediction, which is as good as the paper it isn’t written on because no one would ever print this crap out. I pride myself in being just as inaccurate as some of the weenies we see on pregame shows, and it shows.

Penn State is favored by 14.5 points. That’s a pretty big spread, given that they’re Iowa and they are what they are and they do what they do. And Popeye am what he am and that’s all what he am. Not surprisingly, the over/under is only 40. That would work out to a break-even final score of 26.5 – 13.5. Now, listen to me — Sanguinarians will tell you that Penn State has the longest streak of breaking 30 points in the entire world of college football profiteering, so we must — yes WE MUST score at least thirty points. Oh yeah? Penn State 27, Iowa 12. (The 12 is from a punt return for a TD, plus a field goal and a safety. The game will be tied 3-3 at halftime.). In any event, I’ll cover your spread already! And yeah, take the under. (Can’t shake that 6-4 game, ever).

I’ll be back in clean underwear after the game for a recap, a nightcap, and some typical Turkey bullshit.

Penn State 30, Illinois 13

The Sanguinarians are still cooing, albeit not so loudly, after Saturday’s purported “rout” of the Illiniweks at Champaign. “Purported”, you say? Why, yes. Yes, I do. Sanguinary PennLive.com posted a headline on Facebook alluding to a rout. So, what they’re saying is that they watched a different game than I did — or they didn’t watch it at all — because the final score sure as hell did not depict the story of the game. Illinois handed the Nittany Lions a win here folks. Make no mistake about that.

After two games, the speculation that PSU would be either in the Peach Bowl or the Orange Bowl at season’s end was comical. Pure sanguinarian bullshit, not even warmed over, but straight from the bull’s ass. This team, my sanguinarian friends, has a rocky road ahead if they cannot get their act together better than what we saw on Saturday.

James Franklin was his usual boisterous, sanguine self: “This was a beautiful win. Anytime you can win on the road in the Big Ten, especially in an 11 o’clock game in front of a big crowd, it’s pretty. We grinded it out, especially in the first half. We didn’t take control then, but we didn’t lose control.” That’s a nice way of saying that we sucked. I guess it depends on what your definition of “pretty” is. If the defense that showed up was as ineffectual as the Penn State offense, we would be crying over a 2-1 record right now.

Illinois’ scheme of stopping the run at all costs worked. They dared Drew Allar to pass, and he did exactly what they wanted. He and Penn State receivers then collaborated on a show of incompetence, abetted by an offensive line that allowed four tackles for loss and one sack. However, Illinois junior defensive lineman Jer’zhan Newton, who will be a force in the NFL, was a good reason for that apparent incompetence by the Nittany Lion offensive line. They sucked, but his excellent play made them look worse. Allar wound up 16-33 for 208 yards, no TDs and no INTs, for a QBR of 66.6. (The devil’s mark).

Penn State needed a trick play to score its only passing touchdown on a halfback pass from Trey Potts to Tyler Warren.

On the ground, Penn State mustered only 164 yards, a testimony to the Bielema stodgy-pig defensive scheme. It looked worse than that number depicts. Nick Singleton and Kaytron Allen couldn’t get a good rhythm going, winding up with 91 yards between them.

Illiniwekian QB Luke Altmeyer threw four INTs before being benched. Also, early in the first quarter, the Fighting Peorians coughed one up. Turnovers’ll killya. Give the Penn State defense credit there.

Giving additional credit where due, the Penn State defense held Illinois to 2.1 yards per rush, a net total of 62 yards on the ground. They were able to record seven TFLs and three sacks, along with the aforementioned four INTs.

So, the defense showed up. The offense needs work. Kohler, Wisconsin beckons if the act fails to congeal. They ain’t going to beat Michigan and tOSU playing like that!

Iowa looms ahead, a game that will be played in Beaver Stadium, thank God. However, the offense must show up. Iowa just laid 41 points on Western Michigan.

I’ll be back midweek with a further look at the Hawkeyes and the usual bullshit.

Penn State 38, West Virginia 15

Before a full house at St. Joe Memorial Stadium at Beaver Field, the Penn State Nittany Lions easily handled the Mountaineers of West Virginia 38-15 after a slow start. The game highlighted both some strong points and some weak points for both teams. Announced attendance was 110,747, a strong showing by the football starved Nittany Nation.

Drew Allar FTW

First, it appears as if the quarterback situation is settled at Penn State. Drew Allar came out showing a variety of skills and tools, winding up 21-29 for 325 yards and three touchdowns. He was almost intercepted twice, but “almost don’t count ‘cept in horseshoes” or some such thing. His performance behind an offensive line that is still not what most of us hoped and with a collection of serviceable, but not standout, receivers was impressive.

Two Left Feet

On the other hand, the kicking game suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. My first observation is a kickoff guy/punter Gabriel Nwosu, who has the most ridiculous hair on the team and who must be a converted lineman, tipping the scales at 274 and standing 6’6″. Since he must play safety after kicking the ball, he could be delivering some interesting hits to those foolish enough to get by the rest of the tacklers. However, the punting job went to Australian Riley Thompson, who averaged a crappy 37.5. Then, there’s the place-kicking situation. Sander Sahaydak missed two easy field goals and was replaced by Senior Columbia transfer Alex Felkins in the second half. Felkins then made a 25-yard field goal, and he was 3-3 on PATs. Special teams need work, and yes, that is an understatement.

The Rest

The running game was sound against a porous WVU defense. We hope to see lots more from Nick Singleton (13-70 with one TD) and Kaytron Allen (10-51) this season. I hope they both stay healthy, because we’ll sure as hell need them. The always suspect offensive line was even seen opening some holes, a hopeful sign. (Don’t get too excited, because West Vagina’s defense blows).

The undersized Penn State defensive line showed up as another weakness, as West Virginia knew it could be exploited by runs up the gut. WVU equaled PSU’s rushing total of 146 yards, with an average of 3.7 yards per carry. Leading rusher CJ Donaldson had 18 carries for 71 yards with an average of 4.5 ypc. The West Virginia offensive line, led by junior center Zach Frazier, routinely pushed our defenders out of their way. However, Manny Diaz’s swarming pressure defense kept the Mountaineers in check most of the night. Whether they can do that going forward with the Big Ten schedule when all the OCs are aware of the schemata, in the words of the noncommittal parent, “We’ll see.”

Backing Up Allar

It was good to see Beau Pribula getting some meaningful reps as Allar’s backup. His touchdown run in the closing seconds resulted in Penn State beating the spread, which I didn’t think would happen. I was telling Artificially Sweetened that St. Joe would have taken a few knees in that situation with no doubt as to the outcome. But that was then, and this is now. James Franklin has no such compunction about running up the score, and in this shitty era of so-called college football, the gamblers demand that teams don’t lay down. So, non-sportsmanlike conduct is accepted behavior in the pecuniary climate of the Big Ten in 2023.

In Summation…

If West Virginia’s receivers could catch, the game would have been much closer. Those of you who saw this game with blinders on and are now anticipating a 12-0 season are completely full of shit. Missing field goals alone will lose one Big Ten game, and if WVU’s offensive line can push our defense around, others will capitalize on that weakness. However, I am encouraged by what I saw from Drew Allar. If he can maintain the “mental toughness” (sportswriter bullshit terminology) through the grinding, withering season, coupled with his excellent skills (wow, what a wrist!), he will carry the team on his shoulders and pull out a win that shouldn’t have been.

Now, it’s on to face the Mighty Blue Hens!

(Your favorite Turkey, except for the one at Thanksgiving, will be on the road for the next couple of weeks. Thus, his pen will be temporarily silenced. A visit to the homeland is anticipated — definitely, northeastern PA and possibly, the old homeland of PGH. See you in a couple of weeks. Beat the Chickens and the Native Americans!)