The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Archives for 2023

I Got a Kick Out of It

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Penn State 38, West Virginia 15

Before a full house at St. Joe Memorial Stadium at Beaver Field, the Penn State Nittany Lions easily handled the Mountaineers of West Virginia 38-15 after a slow start. The game highlighted both some strong points and some weak points for both teams. Announced attendance was 110,747, a strong showing by the football starved Nittany Nation.

Drew Allar FTW

First, it appears as if the quarterback situation is settled at Penn State. Drew Allar came out showing a variety of skills and tools, winding up 21-29 for 325 yards and three touchdowns. He was almost intercepted twice, but “almost don’t count ‘cept in horseshoes” or some such thing. His performance behind an offensive line that is still not what most of us hoped and with a collection of serviceable, but not standout, receivers was impressive.

Two Left Feet

On the other hand, the kicking game suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. My first observation is a kickoff guy/punter Gabriel Nwosu, who has the most ridiculous hair on the team and who must be a converted lineman, tipping the scales at 274 and standing 6’6″. Since he must play safety after kicking the ball, he could be delivering some interesting hits to those foolish enough to get by the rest of the tacklers. However, the punting job went to Australian Riley Thompson, who averaged a crappy 37.5. Then, there’s the place-kicking situation. Sander Sahaydak missed two easy field goals and was replaced by Senior Columbia transfer Alex Felkins in the second half. Felkins then made a 25-yard field goal, and he was 3-3 on PATs. Special teams need work, and yes, that is an understatement.

The Rest

The running game was sound against a porous WVU defense. We hope to see lots more from Nick Singleton (13-70 with one TD) and Kaytron Allen (10-51) this season. I hope they both stay healthy, because we’ll sure as hell need them. The always suspect offensive line was even seen opening some holes, a hopeful sign. (Don’t get too excited, because West Vagina’s defense blows).

The undersized Penn State defensive line showed up as another weakness, as West Virginia knew it could be exploited by runs up the gut. WVU equaled PSU’s rushing total of 146 yards, with an average of 3.7 yards per carry. Leading rusher CJ Donaldson had 18 carries for 71 yards with an average of 4.5 ypc. The West Virginia offensive line, led by junior center Zach Frazier, routinely pushed our defenders out of their way. However, Manny Diaz’s swarming pressure defense kept the Mountaineers in check most of the night. Whether they can do that going forward with the Big Ten schedule when all the OCs are aware of the schemata, in the words of the noncommittal parent, “We’ll see.”

Backing Up Allar

It was good to see Beau Pribula getting some meaningful reps as Allar’s backup. His touchdown run in the closing seconds resulted in Penn State beating the spread, which I didn’t think would happen. I was telling Artificially Sweetened that St. Joe would have taken a few knees in that situation with no doubt as to the outcome. But that was then, and this is now. James Franklin has no such compunction about running up the score, and in this shitty era of so-called college football, the gamblers demand that teams don’t lay down. So, non-sportsmanlike conduct is accepted behavior in the pecuniary climate of the Big Ten in 2023.

In Summation…

If West Virginia’s receivers could catch, the game would have been much closer. Those of you who saw this game with blinders on and are now anticipating a 12-0 season are completely full of shit. Missing field goals alone will lose one Big Ten game, and if WVU’s offensive line can push our defense around, others will capitalize on that weakness. However, I am encouraged by what I saw from Drew Allar. If he can maintain the “mental toughness” (sportswriter bullshit terminology) through the grinding, withering season, coupled with his excellent skills (wow, what a wrist!), he will carry the team on his shoulders and pull out a win that shouldn’t have been.

Now, it’s on to face the Mighty Blue Hens!

(Your favorite Turkey, except for the one at Thanksgiving, will be on the road for the next couple of weeks. Thus, his pen will be temporarily silenced. A visit to the homeland is anticipated — definitely, northeastern PA and possibly, the old homeland of PGH. See you in a couple of weeks. Beat the Chickens and the Native Americans!)

We Are the Mountaineers

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Well, THEY are, anyway!

One of my early memories as a kid in Pittsburgh was going out to dinner with my parents during a Pitt-WVU weekend. A bunch of drunks were sitting at the next table loudly singing, “We are the Mountaineers. We are the Mountaineers. We don’t give a damn about the State of Pennsylvania: We are the Mountaineers!” Over and over and over, annoyingly repeated. Well, that was 1953, when WVU had beaten Pitt two years in a row. Seventy years ago! I remember it like it was yesterday, but I don’t remember what I did on the real day yesterday. But I digress. We’re not here to talk about Pitt — under the arm! We’re here to talk about Penn State and its first opponent of the year — yep, West Virginia.

We move forward a decade to my time in Happy Valley in the 1960s. West Virginia was then an Eastern independent, just like Dear Old State. Year in and year out, we played the likes of WVU, Syracuse, Maryland, and, of course, Pitt, regularly. Back in the Rip Engle years, the Nittany Lions consistently kicked Mountaineer ass both at home and in Morgantown. In fact, from 1960 to 1983, Penn State won every game except 1980. That year, the two teams didn’t play. So, that’s right, twenty-three straight wins for PSU! In fact, going back to the Bob Higgins Era, the streak is even longer: twenty-eight straight wins from 1947-1983.

Penn State leads the all-time series 42-6, with the most recent game having been played back in October 1992. Yea, verily, it has been over thirty years since the last game, a 40-26 Penn victory in Morgantown. Of WVU’s six wins in the series, only two have occurred in the Post-World War II modern era, those being in 1984 and 1988.

Then and Now

Well, shit, things have sure as hell changed since that last game between the two. West Vagina is now in the Big 12 (which was originally the Big Eight and I’ve lost count of the real number of teams, given all the recent money-motivated bullshit). Penn State joined the Big Ten, which became eleven when Penn State entered the conference, if you don’t count the University of Chicago with no football program since the Jay Berwanger days, which I remember well. The Big Ten has fourteen teams now after adding Rutgers, Maryland, and Nebraska, and will be up to eighteen with the addition of UCLA, USC, Washington, and Oregon over the next few years. So much for a midwestern academic alliance. More money-driven bullshit. But the real change, which I am sad to have read about, is that Penn State Football, is academically in the Bargain Basement of Big Ten Infamy. That might or might not be the subject for another column, but it distresses me. It is like the Mighty Dollar Denouement has been completed, and college football is laid bare as a fraud.

But I digress painfully.

West Virginia Woes

West Virginia (5-7, 3-6 Big 12) finished tied for next-to-last in the Big 12 last year. Of the three teams who joined them in that ignoble position, they were the only finisher with more points against than points for. However, it is remarkable that they beat Virginia Tech, Baylor, and both Oklahoma schools. That ain’t too shabby for a next-to-last place team. However, their hotshot quarterback transferred to Rice and their hotshot running back transferred to Houston. Fucking transfer portal! Yet another manifestation of the pecuniary world of modern college football! They really aren’t looking very good this year.

About Penn State, we don’t know much. So, I shouldn’t be writing much, or I’ll expose my ignorance concerning this year’s team. I frankly don’t know what to think or say. Drew Allar has been pronounced “ready” by the pundits, who know more than I do, but not much more. The defense is highly questionable, and when will we ever see an offensive line not composed of traffic cones? I’m still saying we must carefully observe what happens Saturday night, lest we think we know more than we do. Of course, all the while, the Sanguinarians are all gaga about a potentially perfect season and a Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship. The perennial pipe dreams are in full force before the season opener.

Oh, and one more thing. The idiotic publications who post those stupid-ass jersey number photos in social media counting down to football season should be sent to journalism jail. Year in, year out, they do that hackneyed, banal, trite, overused nonsense, making the high school newspaper look innovative in comparison — not to mention eclipsing those so-called sports media’s collective writing skills. I don’t bother reading those damn things anymore, as I deserve to be the only fake writer that I appreciate reading. Those other pretenders just piss me off with their grammatical atrocities, poor usage, and just plain bad writing.

Da Wedda

Saturday promises to be a great late summer football night, mostly sunny with a high of 81 and a low of 59. Little wind and rain expected. Go git ’em boys!

Da Bottom Line

So, it’s crazy. Penn State football is starting up already. Wow! It’s a big kickoff weekend, if you don’t count Navy’s ass being kicked by the Irish in Ireland last weekend. This weekend includes the monumental Big Ten matchup of Northwestern vs. Rutgers, which I’m certain will be played before an audience of 750 in Piscataway on Sunday Sunday? What did you just say to me? Moneyball strikes again! The NFL schedule doesn’t start for a week, so let’s leverage Sunday for more college football revenue. The NWU-Rutgers game is the first game of a Sunday, September 3 triple-header, also featuring Oregon State vs. San Jose State and LSU vs. FSU. Big moneyball on Sunday! But you wouldn’t see Pat Fitzgerald, if that was your only interest in watching Northwestern.

Back to prime-time Saturday, Penn State is favored by 20.5, with an over/under of 50.5. I’ll cut to the chase, because you all want to know whether I’ll continue to think that if the Lions screw up, they lose this one. Yeah, I think they’ll screw up all right. First games are never perfect. However, my gut feel is that they will win handily, but only a damn fool (which I am most days) would ever expect PSU to cover that large a spread. I’m going with Penn State 38, West Virgina 20, and I’m taking the over.

I’m taking a couple of weeks off, but I might be back here to recap this Saturday night game. My hiatus will then encompass the Delaware and Illinois games. See you in late September!

I’m Backkkkk! Sorta.

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Laser Focus

The Nittany Turkey returns for another interesting Penn State football season, his sixtieth year of Penn State fanhood and his twentieth year of blogging about it. Well, I’m sorta returning. The posts might be sporadic due to an ill-timed, out-of-town, September event that I must attend because I am an officer in the organization, and I also run a sub-event there, besides. The event occurs during mid-summer most years, but beggars can’t be choosers. It involves a road trip, and it subsequently provides an opportunity to visit some friends and see some other scenery, which stretches it out to a couple of weeks. Preparation for the event and the trip have compromised my drivel-writing time, so I’m just getting around to looking at the season ahead. I’ll write something about the WVU game, but not about the Blue Hens and the Illiniweks. When you’re an old fart going on seventy-seven, you take your opportunities as you see them, and you arrange your priorities accordingly. Warning: rampant digressions ahead!

Eight O’Clock Saturday Classes

Reminiscing with a friend who is a fellow Penn Stater of my vintage recently, the conversation turned to Saturday classes at Penn State. I recalled my Fall Term 1964 Speech 200 class, which was an eight o’clock. Imagine even waking up in time for a boring speech class on a Saturday morning at PSU! Fortunately, the class was in the Wagner Building, right across the street from the brand-new East Halls, where I resided. I’m certain that you can imagine the speeches that the class and its intrepid instructor, Mr. Burns, had to endure! Sobering up by then was impossible, especially on football Saturdays. It got worse. In the Winter Term that year, my Saturday 8:00 was in the Hammond Building, a two-mile march through the snow. Sobering, indeed — if I showed up!

Shout-Out to The Lion’s Den

But I digress! Todd Sponsler of The Lion’s Den woke me up with a Facebook post about kicking off his blog for the year, so I thought I would do the same. Like his, this post is saying hello to old friends who are still alive and kicking and any new friends who are looking for relaxing, albeit sometimes bombastic, prose about Dear Old State and its Culture of Football. We don’t pretend to be experts here, just some guys getting together for some football bullshit and otherwise shared Penn State interests. Check out Todd’s blog, too. He’s an Altoona ophthalmologist who is a DEVOUT Nittany Lions fan with a lot to offer and always an opinion. You know what they say about opinions… Todd’s season opening post draws an uncanny parallel between Penn State Football and the HBO Max series Succession. Anyhow, I provide a link because although Todd’s blog has been around for a lonnnnnnnng time, his lack of search engine presence makes him a needle in a haystack because he chose such a ubiquitous moniker.

Eccentric as Todd might be, he’s a survivor. Other PSU blogs have come and gone, but two kindred old farts who sometimes write about nothing have survived over twenty-years to continue blowing our drivel at you, which will continue until we take the great, celestial dirt nap. A blog about nothing? Hell, yeah, it worked for Seinfeld! (If I lost 100 lbs, I might look like Larry David).

Summer TV Binge-Watching

Speaking of Succession, for our summer TV watching, Artificially Sweetened and Your Turkey have been binge-watching all eight seasons of Suits. Highly engaging — high finance and legal maneuvering with soap opera overtones — and the detestable Duchess of SusSEX, besides! Ew! During last summer’s TV drought, we binged all the seasons of Game of Thrones. So, Todd, I’ll see your Succession and raise you a GoT with a Suits in the hole. Wait, who’s talking about holes? Clean it up!

But, but, but, what about football?

Oops, I digressed again. West Virginia looms next weekend and I am unprepared. I hope the Nittany Lions are in better shape than I am, because although not much is expected of WVU this year, the turnover on the Penn State team, both on the field and on the sidelines, will demand superior organization skills and discipline to be ready for September 2. I came here to talk about that game, but I am ill prepared, so, in the Joisey vernacular, alls I can say is that I am wary, and I believe the outcome will depend on who is better prepared. If we ain’t got all dem ducks in a row, fuggedaboudit!

Now that was certainly uninformed bullshit! But uninformed bullshit is my specialty here!

The season ahead

Some are saying that this season looks like nine or ten wins. They ALWAYS say that. Pre-season rankings are bullshit. Who gives a flying fuck if some clowns claiming to be “sports journalists” (an oxymoron if there ever was one), who use the present tense to describe future events want to waste their otherwise useless time concocting pro-forma pecking orders? (If you don’t know it by now, the current vogue sportstalk elimination of the future tense is an abomination that I despise. Stoopid grammatical crap like that drives my Aspy ass up the wall). Anyhow, they’re saying “Penn State wins 9-10 games this year,” not Penn State will win 9-10 games this year.” BFD. Get over it. OK, I will. If you can’t fight ’em, join ’em!

Worst Case

I say Penn State wins fewer than nine games this year — if West Virginia wins the opener. How does WVU, a much inferior team in the minds of the PSU homeys, aka, the Sanguinarians, pull off the win? (OOPS — I almost wrote “How WILL WVU pull off the win. Not good. Not using vogue sportswriter bullshit grammar. Slap on the wrist! Oy vey!). I don’t know but let’s say West Virginia wins. (Wait, we could try the subjunctive there: “Were West Virginia to win…” Not a chance! Let’s blow some bad grammar!). We can then posit that the setback plus the ill-preparedness that got them there will influence the rest of the season for the Nittany Lions. Everybody factors in tOSU and Michigan as hard-wired losses, and then they say Penn State loses one more. Or half a game more. I say, lose to West Virginia and you have a six- to eight-win season ahead. But the season ahead is all present tense. Penn State wins one here and one there, Penn State loses one here and one there, the season comes, the season goes, and when all is said and done, Penn State goes to a Bowl Game. The Toilet Bowl in Kohler, WI or the Orange Bowl in Miami, as 247 Sports predicts (the kings of bad sportstalk grammar)? No one knows until the season ends.

Best Case

In the next poorly expressed scenario, Penn State beats West Vagina in the opener, and then they easily knock off the Blue Hens, but beware the Bulimia Boys! I think Bret will has (I couldn’t use the present here, because it would be confusing, so I invented a new tense) his Illiniweks primed and poised. No guaranteed win there. The Nits beat WVU and I can see a potential nine-game winning season, maybe, perhaps, peradventure. On the other hand, Iowa is ranked #25 in the bullshit pre-season polls, but they’re always tough, although we play them in St. Joe Memorial Stadium at Beaver Field this year. So, beat WVU and I’m going to say a minimum of eight wins. We can at least count on Delaware, Northwestern, UMass, Indiana, and Rutgers as sure things. Maryland and Moo U. are not assured. The Lions play at home against Iowa and Michigan, and travel to the Horseshoe for tOSU. The season ends away at Moo U. where the weather and history tell us it could go either way, although the Spartans are currently in perpetual “rebuilding mode.”

I’ll close this opening post by welcoming back my six readers who I hope are alive, well, and financially afloat. I look forward to another fun season of Penn State Football! Go State!

(I’ll be back next week with a preview of the Mountainqueers — ahhh, the return of a good old rivalry where we used to get our asses kicked repeatedly and mercilessly!)