Archives for 2023

Michigan 24, Penn State 15

Any thoughts that Penn State could win this one quickly evaporated in a second-half show of incompetence at the quarterback position and on the sidelines. It was just my imagination running away with me to think that they could continue to hang in there as they did in the first half. (No offense to The Temptations — I just pulled that song title out of my ass).

Well, THAT sucked. Penn State showed up looking like they were ready, except that they weren’t. I’ll put their failure 55% on Allar, 40% on Franklin, and 5% on miscellaneous factors. The game could have been won, but we know that without the ability to throw the ball, it was not winnable.

Penn State had some modest success with the running game, but relying on it to get out of a deep hole is not geterally a succesful strategy. At first, I thought they were smart “estabishing the run”, but then, I realized what was going on. They were afraid that Allar would suck as badly as he did.

First Turnover Loses

In a tight, defensive game, the first turnover is a huge thing. So, when Allar coughed it up on a brilliant fourth down conversion, the Nittany Lions essentially handed the game to the Wolverines. Then, late in the fourth quarter, dumbass calls sealed Penn State’s coffin.

“It’s only fair,” said the guy on the bus, “Harbaugh couldn’t coach, so Franklin didn’t coach either.” Sure looked like he wanted to give the game away in the fourth quarter — all the way up to the time that he didn’t have to.

I won’t talk about errant throws, missed catches, lack of awareness (as in intentional grounding), and stupid flea-flickers. You saw it all. And, of course, fourth down balls over brains play calling reared its ugly head at just the right moment to seal the deal in desperation time. Repeat after me: It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!

Shake Off the Last Drop

Now, they must regroup and shake off yet another Franklin Era emotional loss that everyone expected, just in time for a battle with Rutgers and a season finale against Moo U. the night after Thanksgiving. But now that they’re out of the playoff and B10 championship pictures, we here in Orlando will be happy to see our Nittany Lions and their big spending fans back here for the Citrus Bowl. Or they could fall apart and lose to Rutgers and wind up in the vaunted Toilet Bowl in Kohler, Wisconsin — an exciting winter wonderland in late December, where you can freeze your ass while watching a pedestrian bowl game. And nobody will give a shit.

It will be like watching the Rutgers-Iowa game, currently 3-0 favor of Idontcarewho as the first half approaches a merciful conclusion.

And so, the James Franklin mystique continues to disappoint.

I’ll be back midweek between doctor appointments to spew some more well earned vitriol about Penn State’s lousy offense.

Conference Suspends Harbaugh

Coach Jim Harbaugh of the #3 Michigan Wolverines, will not coach any more games for the remainder of the 2023 season. While the NCAA farted around with the sign-stealing investigation, making us all sick and tired of hearing about it, we were exhorting them to shit or get off the pot. They haven’t yet shat, but meanwhile, the Big Ten was doing some plotting of its own. They didn’t pull the rug out from under the NCAA investigation, but they made a firm statement to member schools about surveillance bullshit and cheating. Conduct unbecoming an upstanding academic institution that hires football players with low IQs.

So, now, the Antisanguinarians have a peg to hang their hat on if Penn State wins on Saturday. In retrospect, they’ll say that Penn State only won because of the upheaval created by the conference. On da udder hand, Sanguinarians will use the same excuse to obviate any negative spin on a Penn State blowout loss. And, as always, the truth is somewhere between those extrema, closer to the mean. I’m mean, I know.

To this Turkey, it appears to be a slap on the wrist. They haven’t completely suspended Jim Harbaugh. Instead, they waggled a finger at him, “Bad boy. You may not coach during the remaining games.” Of course, that leaves all the time between games, for which he is not suspended and may still run the team. Perhaps some window dressing so if the NCAA ever hands out a harsh punishment, Harbaugh can say he served his time?

This, to me, seems to be a bullshit appeasement move on the part of the Big Ten, which was getting pressure from member schools, notably Purdue, who had no excuses for being blown out. Thus appeased, they can point to the cheating, which has not been proven.

Scapegoat Gone

The hapless schmuck who committed the alleged crime, Connor Stalions, has “resigned” from his position at Maize and Blue U. He was probably the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Although Harbaugh puts on his Sergeant Schultz act, stating, “I know nothing. NOTHING!”, he’s full of shit, too. Now, we’ll watch the lawyers from UM, the Big Ten, and the NCAA duke it out. This is football?

Yeah, it’s big time, big money college football, where billions are made and lost and we, the fans, must put up with humongous piles of bullshit such as this. We gladly pay the price by watching endless commericals that extend a one-hour game to four hours. The NFL farm teams need our support, though, or they won’t be able to pay for exorbitant coaching contracts and players’ NIL rights. I think we should boycott the whole bunch of overpaid putzes. Go out and watch some Division III or Pop Warner. Now that’s pure football. This whole, overblown bullshit thing that we call college football is reminiscent of the gladiator games in Rome during Commodus’ caeserhood. The Fall. Yep.

So let’s label Signgate for what it truly is: industrial espionage — the same games played in all big money businesses.

Deny, deny, deny!

Oh, and as for Michigan AD Wards Manuel, I can hear General Borkhalter admonishing the guy who best take responsibility for it all instead of letting two-bit weenie Connor Stalions be the scapegoat: “Klink, YOU IDIOT!!”

I doubt that this will have any adverse effect on tomorrow’s game, but the fanboys, fangirls, and detractors will have ready-made excuses no matter which way it goes. And, of course, K. John will tell us exactly what will happen. Come to think of it, are Connor Stalions and Wards Manuel made-up names? You can’t beat fact for imitation of fiction, can you? Gotta be characters named like that in a William Faulkner novel somewhere!

#3 Michigan vs #11 Penn State

In what some clowns characterize as a season-defining game for Penn State, the Nittany Lions (8-1, 5-1) host the Michigan Wolverines (9-0, 6-0 Big Ten). James Franklin, in his MONDAY damn press conference, I guess because Jim Harbaugh held his on MONDAY, damnit, called for the crowd to eat lots of donuts to be on a sugar high when entering Beaver Stadium, so the energy and noise levels remains high, at least until Michigan jumps out to a 21-0 lead. (Yeah, I’m kidding, but sure as hell possible given the slow starts we’ve seen).

I still have no idea why the media madness was on Monday, although it might be because the geniuses in Washington moved Veteran’s Day from Saturday to Friday. We don’t need more days off from work in this country — we need more productivity! But I digress…

Some Sanguinarians have already been laying the foundation for their post-game whining and blame laying. All the headlines about the Michigan sign-cataloging, scouting visits, and forecasted Harbaugh suspensions provide the bricks, while the Sanguinarians will provide the mortar. If Penn State loses, we will see a study in creative denial, architected even more intensely than we typically see during PSU’s mostly perennial losses to Michigan and Ohio State. “Hmmm,” they’ll say. “So THAT’S why they’ve been beating us all these years! They cheat!”

Of course, if the Nittany Lions should by some strange quirk of fate prevail in this game, they will invoke a distant echo of the late, lamented Pittsburgh Pirates announcer Bob Prince, “We had ’em all the way!” Yep. Even cheating could not stop the mighty Penn State juggernaut.

Why Cheat When You Have the Goods?

Yeah, why? Damn good question. Harbaugh’s narcissistic insecurities, perhaps? Richard Nixon had the same problem. He didn’t need the Watergate break-in to win a second term agains the hapless Democrats led by weak-ass peacenik George McGovern, but Nixon’s paranoia reigned supreme. In Harbaugh’s case, I suppose the answer might emerge in the investigation, or it might not. Personally, I do not give a rat’s ass. The only thing is, we don’t know whether they truly have the goods. That will be demonstrated and decided on the field.

On any given day, Michigan can beat Penn State, in my opinion, and they don’t need to steal signs. Our deficient offensive line and lack of breakaway talent will likely hand them the victory, because they seem sound in all aspects of their game. The odd indicator is ESPN’s matchup predictor, which gives PSU a slight edge, 50.7% to 49.3%. I suspect the difference is about three points worth of home field advantage. Call it the morning donut index. Another factor is strength of schedule. Penn State has played Ohio State, the only other real team in the Big Ten; Michigan has not.

Yes, the Wolverines are 9-0, but again, who have they played? Absolutely no one. Purdue (2-7), this past weekend, whom they beat 41-13, might have been their toughest opponent. So, maybe they are suspect at this point. Nevertheless, they haven’t scored fewer than 30 points in any game all year, and the most they’ve given up were the 13 to Purdue. They shut out Moo U. 49-0, and allowed no more than 10 points to Rutgers, Nebraska, Minnesota, and Indiana.

So, I dunno. Get Chop Robinson back to harass J.J. McCarthy, and then PSU must stop Blake Corum and Donovan Edwards on the ground. The offensive line is competent as is the receiving corps, led by wide receivers Roman Wilson and Cornelius Johnson, tight end Colston Loveland, and Donovan Edwards coming out of the backfield.

Drew Allar must be on target and must take some risks to win this game. Furthermore, the running game must show up, which remains doubtful. This might be the best defense Penn State has seen.

I cannot state it enough. Penn State must hang onto the ball. Careless turnovers and stupid penalties will lose this game for them. So will stupid play calling, but we know we will get at least a couple of boneheaded plays out of Yurcich and Franklin. As I stated in the last post, confusing the defense is desirable; making them laugh at us is not.

Da Wedda

So, it looks like fall in State College, partly cloudy with a prediction of 38 degrees at kickoff time.

Da Bottom Line

Hiya, fans of the Official Turkey Poop Prediction. I know who you are and I know that you skipped all my blather to see what kind of idiotic prediction I would make. Well, you missed me mentioning Bob Prince and Richard Nixon in consecutive paragraphs, so bleahhh! Idiocy is guaranteed here, and I certainly own up to the fact that I’m no expert, just the guy next to you drinking O’Doul’s and bullshitting at the bar. (I had to give up alcohol because of old-fart chronic turkey ailments. That makes watching Penn State much more difficult than it would in a lubricated state, I might add).

The line at MONDAY publication time favors Michigan by 3.5 and calls for an over/under of 44.5, which works out to a 24-21 Michigan victory. Are they any good? They haven’t played anyone, so who knows. The turkey will take a shot at it. I’m amazed by what Blake Corum can do to defenses at 5’8″ – 213 lbs. I also know how frustrating Penn State’s offense has been this year. I’m going with Michigan 29, Penn State 20, and take the over, but not because PSU will be doing any huge amount of scoring.

I’ll be back sometime after the game to make some excuses of my own.