The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home Archives for 2023

Archives for 2023

Best Homecoming Money Can Buy

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Penn State 63, UMass 0

Penn State spent a million and a half to buy themselves a guaranteed homecoming win, so it was no surprise that the purchase worked out well. Choosing a team that was 1-11 last year and on pace for a similar finish this season was a good bet, and the 63-0 final score made Pat Kraft and Company look smart. Wouldn’t want to have a competitive opponent to possibly spoil homecoming and the Nittany Lions playoff hopes, just in case they can manage to beat Ohio State or Michigan and not lose to Indiana or Maryland. Yeah, that’s the damn point.

And now the braggadocio…

It was a rout.

You want more?

It was a rout, already. Not unexpected. Why bother with meaningless stats. Just go to a Penn State bar and the guy sitting next to you will be spouting them off. So, I won’t bother. They mean squat.

You want highlights? They’re meaningless, too. What does it matter who does what against such a seriously deficient opponent. It would be like bragging about your Kentucky Derby winner beating a $3,500 claimer, whose next stop is the glue factory, in a match race walkover. They’d never schedule it in horse racing, and they shouldn’t do it in college football, either. I don’t care to watch recaps of foregone conclusions (with all due respect to Forego, the great thoroughbred gelding of the 1970s).

And, you know?

The first quarter was shaky offensively — yet again. The offensive line was not effective. Both Ohio State and MIchigan will be noon starts. Will the offense be asleep for the first quarter in those games? Will the offensive line show up awake and alive? Better wake up soon, buccos!

Oh, there will be fanboys who excuse the performance by saying that they were merely looking beyond this walkover to next week’s game at the Horseshoe. Used to be that good teams wanted to do their damage early and make the opponent chase them. (I guess some recent results have favored the chaser, most recently Stanford coming from 29 down to beat Neon Deion).

But I digress…

A win is a win and we went 1-0 this week and all that jazz. So celebrate while you can. The stakes increase next week as your 6-0 Nittany Lions face their toughest test thus far. More correctly stated, their only test thus far, and one of the only two they’ll have during the regular season.

I was thinking…

PSU needs pass receivers. So, while they’re spreading money around, why not make a deal with Ohio State for Marvin Harrison, Jr. Would $12 million and a future 4-star recruit get Harrison to consider the transfer portal? Just in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m cynical about the descent of college football during my lifetime from a pristine extracurricular pastime for academics to the pecuniary pit of an NFL Lite. I probably won’t live long enough to see the FBS major conference consolidations result in two organizations resembling the AFC and NFC, but I firmly believe that’s the ultimate progression. (Unless, of course, the coming financial collapse results in values being put back into proper perspective. Right now, people who rent housing they cannot afford and are upside-down on auto loans will happily pay hundreds for college football tickets and thousands for the pros. That shit needs to change, but it will only happen if the fucking federal government curtails its complicity).

Watchin’ TV

I did spend much of Saturday glued to the tube watching football. What pissed me off was that I couldn’t watch Ohio State at Purdue because it was on fucking PEACOCK, and I don’t subscribe to fucking PEACOCK. I watched Indiana stay competitive with Michigan for about ten minutes in their noon start, and I caught the end of the non-bellicose Illiniwek upset of the Turtles. The best one was Washington pulling out a win in an exciting, see-saw battle with their canardian rivals.

Now, I’m watching hockey. Go Pens! They’re down one with Calgary through two.

I would love to see USC beat Notre Dame tonight. A three-loss Notre Dame — think about this — will be difficult for even biased sportswriters to include in the Top 25. Alas, they’re up 17-3 in the game Knute Rockne first scheduled a shitload of years ago when they had to take the train from South Bend to LA. I know that because I saw the movie with Pat O’Brien.

Speaking of polls, they…

…are fucking meaningless this time of year, as I keep repeating like the curmudgeonly old fart who I am. They just don’t matter until week eight, except to brag to the guy sitting next to you at the bar and to TV networks, like NBC and its fucking PEACOCK streaming service that holds football for ransom. I guess highly ranked teams playing each other generate greater commercial revenue, so they need to rank everything for hype purposes to promote each week’s “Game of the Century”.

I got a flu shot, so…

…I’m going to veg out for a day or so, because as one of my former doctors once said, “It is better to be sick for three days than for three weeks.” Now, I have all my immunizations up to date. I’m clearly not a crackpot antivaxxer and I ain’t voting for Trump or Biden. Maybe I’ll vote for RFK, Jr. who running on the Antivax Party ticket with Jenny McCarthy as his running-mate, serving as my protest of the two leading candidates, who are both completely unsuitable to serve as President. I might be delirious from the flu shot.

Well, I’m tired of writing and I must concentrate on beating the Flames. Third period coming up.

I’ll be back with my overview and snarky bullshit in anticipation of Saturday’s Game of the Century with Ohio State.

Noon, Noon on the Road

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(Sung to the tune of “Home on the Range”).

Noon, noon on the road,

Where the Lions and the Buckeyes will play.

And ever is heard a discouraging word,

‘Cause noon kickoffs are so gay!

Just sayin’. Kickoff time for the great big showdown between purportedly #6 and purportedly #3 (rankings are bullshit but good for TV hype) is set for noon in Columbus. Yep, home of “that dullard look.” Urban Meyer uttered it, we’re coining it. And guess what, kimosabe? Michigan is a noon kickoff, too, albeit at the Big Beave. Clearly, other than “BIG NOON”, our primo Big Ten games ain’t prime-time material!

No Homecoming Spoiler

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Penn State (5-0) Hosts UMass (1-6)

Call it another bye week if you will, but Saturday’s homecoming game against the 1-6 UMass Minutemen seems like a foregone conclusion. Were it not for the expectations of the marauding alumni, PSU players could pay the State College High football team to handle the mop-up chores for them. Such cynicism notwithstanding, this easy week presents an opportunity to get the damn Nittany Lions in sync for the big showdown with the Buckeyes a week hence.

I don’t want to spend a lot of time analyzing this game, such as it is. I might well fall asleep sometime in the third quarter if I don’t fall asleep halfway through writing this.

Fourth Oldest FBS Program

UMass, the fourth-oldest program in the FBS, has a lonnnnnng football history. A long history of losing, that is. Aside from a brief stint in the MAC from 2012 to 2015 when they returned to the FBS after a looooooooong hiatus, they have been Eastern Independents since the git-go, which was 1879. However, fortunately, the Minutemen did not play in the top division from 1907 through their MAC entry, although they won an FCS championship in 1998 playing in the lower division. Then, playing in the MAC, they were so bad that even the MAC couldn’t stand it. Seriously, though, UMass did not stay with the MAC when they declined to be a full member of the conference.

MAC or not, UMass has not enjoyed a winning FBS season in the modern era. Last year’s 1-11 record sucked. The lone victory was a 20-3 rout on Youth Day against FCS Stony Brook. Their 2022 season ended with a 44-7 defeat at the hands of Army. Boo-rah!

That was then; this is now…

Thus far in 2023, the Minutemen are on pace for another 1-11 year. They surprised New Mexico State in the Aggies’ home opener, 41-30. They also came damn close to beating the other New Mexico school, the Lobos, in a 34-31 overtime loss on September 23. Otherwise, they have lost to Auburn, Miami (OH), Eastern Michigan, Arkansas State, and most recently, Toledo.

Looking at the sadness of team stats as they rank in the FBS, we have UMass at #65 in total offense and #123 in total defense, compared with #44 and #1, respectively, for Penn State. As I mentioned before, it would behoove the Nittany Lions to use this week to tune up that offense, or they won’t be able to play on the same field with the big boys.

Roster Exoticism

UMass is led by highly unpronounceable junior QB Taisun Phommachanh. Zey also have einen Tightenendenmeisterbanger named Magnus von Saldern, from Berlin, and a pair of defensive ends named Uchenna Ezewike and Zujudo Igwenagu. Punter C.J. Kolodziey is a tribute to Poland from East Longmeadow, Mass. On special teams, a rich kid from Scarsdale, NY, Bennett Abbe, rounds out the eclectic international lineup.

Whither da Wedda

Homecoming Saturday looks to be chilly and rainy — not the perfect fall day we had all hoped for. Let us hope that our Lions can get back to hanging onto the ball. The outcome of the game is not in doubt, but we want to see them play well in all weather conditions, with the second half of the season ahead.

Bottom-Drawer Bottom Line

The Official Turkey Poop Prognostication should be on strike this week, crying out for mo’ money, even though it isn’t worth a shit. Furthermore, you must stop giving me ridiculously lopsided games like this to predict. Would Penn State kindly play SOMEONE, for a change?

I expect the Nittany Lions to go 1-0 this week. It is not a noon start, but rather a 3:30 kickoff, so with a bye week under their belt, they’ll either be rusty or ready — who can say? Never a dull moment with this team, considering that we don’t know what we’re going to get. I hope we see improvements in the offensive line and the offense in general. The spread on this game is ridiculous: Penn State – 43 with o/u of 57.5. Crazy. That works out to like 50-7. I’ll knock off a couple of points for the rain and give UMass credit for some offense, so I’m like 63-9. Sorry, Mr. Phommachanh, I still cannot pronounce your name. Take the over, but better yet, don’t bet.

UPDATE: That was then and this is now. With the prospect of a soggy, cold day in State College, I must adjust my prognostication. Penn State 43, UMASS 0. Better yet, don’t bet.

I’ll be back after the game to put a proverbial exclamation point on the Homecoming festivities. And I absolutely, positively will not mention rankings until after Week 8. Until then, they only count for bullshitters’ bragging rights. After then, they’re only slightly more meaningful, in that they are more than just sportswriters or coaches (both brands of bullshitters) pulling something out of their asses, and they govern who will be accorded entry to the vaunted playoffs to determine the still somewhat mythical national champion (SSMNC).