The Penn State 2011 quarterback controversy has been resolved Solomonically by wise, old head football coach Joe Paterno.

So, who will be the number one quarterback for the home opener against the Indiana State Sycamores (6-5, 4-4 MVC), you ask?

“Why, no one,” says old Joe.

Did he split them both in half, as Solomon proposed be done with the baby, or what?

Let the suspense be ended here and now. Joe has effectively postponed the big decision for another week by saying that he’ll play them both in Saturday’s tilt.

So, who will walk out of the damn team bus first? Which one will take the first snap of the game?

Treating it as if it were a trivial technicality, Joe said it didn’t matter who actually started the game. So, neither is officially a starter no matter who starts. Did you get that?

I suppose Bolden and McGloin can skip out of the bus together holding hands. Talk about portents of a hopscotch season!

Perhaps it is the Holy Father’s wish that Alabama have to prepare for both quarterbacks. Boy, that will throw the Crimson Tide for a loop. Nick Sabin is very, very worried. He might have to look at another series of videos and miss his regular Thursday night dinner with his wife and mother-in-law. He’ll soon get the picture. Both quarterbacks will use the run to set up the third-and-eight sideline pass to Derek Moye who is tackled two yards short of a first down. If that doesn’t work in the first half, Joe will run the draw on third-and-long. Yep, Nick has a lot to worry about. One quarterback talks smack while the other pouts. Prepare for both quarterbacking styles. It’s a piece of cake.

Meanwhile, Joe and his offensive brain trust have bigger things to worry about. Bigger than the elephant in the room, Alabama, you ask. Well, yeah. There’s a lot of meat on the offensive line and it doesn’t have much backup. Plus, after last year’s debacle, Paterno will have to find a way to motivate the O-line. He has a real weapon in Silas Redd, not to mention two quarterbacks to protect, for which this offensive line is charged with the Lion’s share of the work. They better come out with fire and determination, unlike last year. Motivation. Figure it out, Joe.

Joe might choose to use his personal situation as a motivator. He says he’s 50-50 to coach on the sideline. People closer to Joe than this Turkey have said that would be a mistake, as he isn’t really getting around all that well. I, as well as everyone else, would like to see him take it easy. But Joe Paterno is a stubborn sumbitch with coaching running through his veins like methamphetamine mixed with oxycododone, so when he gets a bug up his ass about motivation, he’ll forget all about his hairline hip fracture and risk that aforementioned ass for the team. I’ll set the odds on Joe coaching on the field at 2-1 and the over/under for number of quarters before he moves to the press box at 2.

I still owe you a game preview. Well, hell, I have a headache, so this is it. No telling whether I would get to write another article before Saturday. I have to get The Cave ready for the boys and girls for the opening game, and I have to buy some food. Yeah, football is back, and we’re rrrrrready!

So, let me give you the Official Turkey Poop Prediction for the home opener. No digression bs, I’ll just give it to you straight. Penn State favored by 37, with no over/under at the books I checked. Some books had no line whatsoever. Penn State is always a good bet not to cover the spread, so take the Sycamores and 37 if you can find someone who’ll take your action. Penn State 45, Indiana State 10.

Oh, and how about a small donation to the American Heart Association while you’re here? Click the link in the column at right.