The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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The Land Grant Trophy…and Much More

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The #8 Nittany Lions (10-1, 6-1 Big Ten) take on the #15 Michigan State Spartans (9-2, 6-1 Big Ten) for the vaunted Land Grant Trophy. However, for a change, this game means a whole helluva lot more, as a piece of the Big Ten championship and a trip to the Rose Bowl are at stake. If Penn State wins, a Rose Bowl bid is all but assured.

You all know by now that since joining the Big Ten, Penn State has never lost to Sparty in seven tries at Beaver Stadium. Aren’t such statistics wonderful, albeit meaningless? I could say that I haven’t missed the toilet once while taking a leak at 7:00 AM but what predictive value does that have about future target practice? There are lots of other variables at play, urologically speaking, so we won’t dwell on this singular, sterile, metaphorical statistic (unless you want to). Hell, this Turkey attended the last Beaver Stadium game where Moo U. ?????? ????? 888 beat Penn State, on September 25, 1965. The score was 23-0 and Bubba Smith, now 63, terrorized the Nittany Lion backfield for much of the game. What does that have to do with 2008? Nothing, but neither do those seven Penn State wins since 1990.

Point made? This particular “considered in a vacuum intangible” is pure bullshit.

Land Grant Trophy
Land Grant Trophy

Another manufactured “intangible” is both teams’ presumed blood thirst for possession of the Land Grant Trophy (pictured at left). I mean, look at that ugly mutha. Whoever heard of a trophy with bric-a-brac shelves? Do you think either university actually enjoys having that piece of shit in its trophy case without a sheet draped over it? Hell, if I were playing and my team were to win that scatographically hideous mélange of a mute testament to design by committee, I’d run the other way when it came time to carry the massive, mahogany mounted, misconceived monstrosity across the field. Yea, verily. I hate that junk.

Someone ought to blow it up as a Halloween prank one of these years and be done with it. So much for that “intangible,” but I digress. Sorry, I got carried away; it’s an annual, apoplectic phenomenon.

The compositions of both teams and their performances this year are the only reliable indicators of the outcome of this game, and still there are too many urological variables to assure us of a particular outcome either way. The biggest such variable—and the one least possible to predict—is the human factor. The weather has a bearing on the outcome, too, although this game, being the ill-conceived rivalry game the conference geniuses contrived, is perennially played as the final game of the season in late November, when the weather is always crappy in Western Pennsylvania and Eastern Michigan.

So, given that the emphasis of the Michigan State attack is on its supremely talented running back, Javon Ringer, ranked #3 nationally, and obviously, Penn State’s defensive emphasis will be on stopping him, it is instructive to break down the performance of the big D against Big Ten running backs this season. Here they are.

  • Illinois: #71 Daniel Dufrene, 14 carries, 96 yds, 0 TD, long carry 30
  • Purdue: #29 Kory Sheets, 18, 59, 1, 19
  • Wisconsin: #38 P.J. Hill, 15, 58, 0, 15
  • Michigan: Brandon Minor, 23, 117, 2, 36
  • OSU: Beanie Wells, 22, 55, 0, 8
  • Iowa: #2 Shonn Greene, 28, 117, 2, 14
  • Indiana: Marcus Thigpen, 8, 72, 1, 57

The only non-conference opponent worth mentioning is Oregon State, so let’s add them to the mix.

  • Oregon State: #9 Jacquizz Rodgers, 22, 99, 2, 13

In games in which their top running back was able to gain 96 yards or more, opponents scored an average of 19.7 points. In other games listed above, opponents scored an average of 6.5 points. Accordingly, with the Penn State offense sputtering, the task of shutting down Ringer is of paramount importance.

It is late in the season and an already depleted defensive line is banged up. The linebacker(s) need help. I mean, there really is only one guy I’d call a real linebacker, that being Navorro Bowman. Reports from practice have revealed that Mark Rubin is being drilled as effectively a fourth linebacker in hopes of beefing up the linebacking corps in its all-important quest to keep Ringer under control.

However, if Penn State wants to play eight in the box, Moo U. can beat them with the pass, so selling out to impede Ringer is not a key in itself. The defense has to be competent against the pass, too. Lead Moo-Cow and senior quarterback Brian Hoyer has been improving from game to game. This season thus far, he has completed 137 of 279 passes with 9 TDs and 6 interceptions. He’s been sacked 14 times. Certainly, applying pressure to Hoyer on passing downs is essential. In any case, I would not recommend the BBDB defense, better known here as the matador defense, that was employed against Iowa in the fourth quarter of that game. The soft zone sucks and you’ve heard it here over and over again. Nevertheless, the defense will have to contend with both run and pass situations. For those of you who think Moo U’s offense is one-dimensional, their average yardage per game is 147.82 rushing and 207.36 passing, ranking #64 and #65, respectively. Michigan State actually ranks #9 in rushing in the conference. One has to suppose that a strong reason for that has been the obsession with stopping Ringer. So, let’s see if that strategy is successful.

Here’s how Ringer has played. I’ll show opponents with national rushing defense rank, number of yards, and total MSU points in Big Ten and selected non-conference games. ????? ??? ??????

  • #39 California, 81, 31 (loss)
  • #57 Notre Dame, 201, 23 (win)
  • #92 Indiana, 198, 42 (win)
  • #18 Iowa, 91, 16 (win)
  • #44 Northwestern, 124, 37 (win)
  • #26 Ohio State, 67, 7 (loss)
  • #45 Michigan, 194, 35 (win)
  • #32 Wisconsin, 54, 25 (win)
  • #96 Purdue, 121, 21 (win)

In the above games where Ringer has run for over 100 yards, Moo U. scored an average of 31.6 points; when he was held under 100, they scored an average of 19.7 points. The rush defenses that were able to hold him under 100 yards were ranked nationally between 18 and 39. Penn State ranks #10.

Penn State’s pass efficiency defense ranks #2 nationally. This misleading statistic partially relates to the conservative overall nature of the Big Ten Conference. The only pass-happy team the Nittany Lions have faced was Purdue. The pass defense has not been tested against a competent pass-oriented offense. However, Michigan State does not rank with the cream of the crop there. If PSU does not get too obsessed with Ringer, they can minimize the Moo U. ???? ??????? damage.

The Nittany Lions will have to score enough points to win this one. The habit of not playing well in the first half must abate; as well, turnovers must cease. Clark’s two fumbles last week were particularly disconcerting. So, two significant keys will be playing four quarters and taking care of the ball.

Royster, as well, will be a key. The running game, derailed of late, has to get back on track. There have been some significant breakdowns in the interior offensive line that resulted in there being scant few holes to exploit for Royster, who ranks #22 in the nation and #3 in the conference behind Greene and Ringer. Fortunately, the Moo U. rushing defense is ranked #73. Royster should have his way with them.

The pass will be problematical, as Michigan State ranks #12 in pass efficiency defense. Clark hasn’t been throwing very accurately, so this Turkey’s guess is that pass plays, such as there are, will be mostly of the short, safe variety. Whether Clark has worked through his confidence issues and whether he has fully recovered from the concussion he suffered in the Ohio State game—both physically and mentally—is anyone’s guess. Clark certainly has shown signs of impaired decision making, along with his pass accuracy problems. Whether these issues are due to a late-season slump or the concussion are immaterial. Dantonio will no doubt want to test Clark’s ability to handle pressure. Still, Clark is the man, and I doubt that you’ll be seeing Devlin unless the game is well out of reach, one way or the other.

OK, I’ll present a few so-called intangibles for the hell of it, because I like you and I know you can’t live without them.

The Spartans have been relaxing with a bye week. Dantonio made it a vacation week for the players, prohibiting them from accessing the athletic facility during the off week. Sparty will be rested, healed, and ready. Presumably, their attitude will be good because they’ve seen a few movies last week, and they weren’t game films. So that’s an intangible in Moo U’s favor.

Whether the Nittany Lions are equally ready is problematical. Much is at stake in this game, but even more was at stake in Iowa, where the boys faltered miserably. However, this is where the Lions have a great, big intangible advantage: the home crowd. It’s the last game of the year, the Big Ten championship is on the line, it’s Senior Day, and the boys want to see “2008” added to the other championship years inscribed in the ring around the Beaver Stadium luxury boxes. If that doesn’t get a noisy, raucous crowd out, what the hell will?

Indeed, the kickoff is at 3:30 PM, not noon, so the hangovers will have had time to abate and new buzzes will have had enough time to kick in. There are no excuses for a lack of proper ambiance for this game.

The weather will be cold and breezy. We’ve seen some hands issues from the Iowa game forward, not coincidentally all cold weather games. It is this Turkey’s hope that we’ll see fewer dropped passes this week than we have been seeing the past couple of weeks. The weather, however, is an intangible that should affect both teams equally, unless someone hogs all the space heaters while the other guys forget to bring any, as was the case with the Iowa game.

One last intangible. Much has been made of the rumor that this will be Joe Paterno’s final game at Beaver Stadium. He has pooh-poohed that rumor, stonewalling it as usual, but he does admit that he needs a hip replacement and it most likely will happen soon after the Michigan State game. At the press conference today, Paterno stated that he wanted to coach the bowl game on the sidelines, not from the booth. Based on my own rehab track record, that certainly would be possible, as Joe is probably in better shape at 81 than I was at 54. Meanwhile, Joe’s wife, Sue, has been inviting family and friends from all over the country to attend this game. Lots of people are adding two and two, in this Turkey’s opinion, coming up with five. Nevertheless, with a strong, malodorous whiff of a possible Paterno retirement in the air, we have another strongly motivating intangible for the boys.

And so, boys and girls, that brings us to the feature you’ve been waiting for all season, the final Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the 2008 Penn State season! Last week, thanks to the offense forgetting to play the first half, Penn State did not cover the spread. This Turkey predicted a 47-10 outcome; it was actually 34-7. Not unlike my assessment of the crowd, if a game with such significant overtones does not arouse the footballistic passions of the Nittany Lions, they might as well all just visit the apartment of Evans, Koroma, and Quarless and pass a joint around. This is it. This is the season. It’s 48 minutes of basketball. Oops, I mean it’s 60 minutes of football, baby! Las Vegas has established Penn State as a two-touchdown favorite with no over/under at present, although one book opened at 48. That combination would suggest a final score of 31-17. With Ringer on the loose and Clark on the mend, but still a “maybe”, this Turkey thinks the spread is in jeopardy this week. But shit, I’ve been wrong all season. I hope it’s a Penn State blowout, but the OTPP is Penn State 27, Michigan State 24.

Lions Sleep through First Half, Still Win

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Penn State was able to remember temporarily how to play football in the second quarter of a game the #7 Nittany Lions (10-1, 6-1 Big Ten) would ultimately win over the Indiana Hoosiers (3-8, 1-6 Big Ten), 34-7. Then, they lapsed again until they came out of the locker room after the intermission when the Nittany Lions, overwhelming favorites but leading by the slim margin of 10-7, finally got serious about putting the game away. It still wasn’t as easy as it could have been—and rightly, should have been

When will these guys ever learn that they have to play an entire game? They come out with wan, bemused looks on their faces in the first quarter on both sides of the ball and they proceed to give opponents hope when they should be closing them out early. Letting the other guy hang around the whole first half can lead to some nasty surprises, and we PSU fans and pseudo-pundits have had quite enough surprises this season, thank you very much.

Is it the “snake charmer” game plan now? Lull an overmatched opponent into a false sense of security by playing down to their level in the first half and then pouncing on them after the break. Unfortunately, that type of play is anathema to fan enthusiasm. We can’t cheer while we’re sleeping. Think that’s what they want? Nahhhh. Nobody coaches like that. If they really had planned it this way, as it seems they have all season long, they would put the second- and third-string in for the first half in order to have the first-string ready when it came time to play. Or do they need a half to get warmed up?

Daryll Clark is still in a slump. His passes lacked pinpoint accuracy, although he wound up 20-36 for 239 yards and two touchdowns. He also had eight rushes for 26 yards. Unfortunately, he was a bust with respect to the running game, having coughed up the ball twice. In looking at both plays, it did not appear as if either defender could have stripped the ball if Clark hadn’t let go of it. This Turkey wonders whether Clark has completely recovered from the concussion he suffered in the Ohio State game—emotionally, if not physically. Yea, verily, to cut Clark a little slack, the game day weather was crappy and ball grips were slippy. After the game, Paterno said Clark had “one of those days” and he kept him in there so Clark could regain his confidence and work his way through his problems.

Of course, as expected, after a couple of bad games, there are a veritable plethora of fans calling for Devlin just as they did when they wanted Morelli to play when Michael Robinson struggled. If fans were doing the coaching, things would be so perfect, right? WRONG!

After playing the magic flute for the Hoosiers in their opening drive, giving up three first downs, the Nittany Lion defense eventually decided to play a little smashmouth. From that point on, the defense yielded only three more first downs, a total of six for the game. They made one big mistake from that point, allowing the diminutive Marcus Thigpen to bust loose for a 57-yard touchdown run. Penn State gave up only 180 yards rushing and 57 yards passing. They forced one turnover; however, they lost the battle of turnovers three to one.

In spite of all its mature talent, the offense seemed to have its collective head up its collective ass. The quintessence of cranial rectal implant technology was exemplified by Dennis Landolt’s holding penalty on a screen play. The object of a screen play (Dennis, are you listening?) is to let the pass rushers get through the line so the linemen can run interference in front of whoever is running the ball. Generally, the offensive linemen act like they’re pass blocking for a count and then let the defenders get through to threaten the quarterback, who dumps the ball off to an eligible receiver stationed behind the rushers just before he is sacked. Landolt not only held his man, impeding him from getting through to the quarterback, but also, for good measure, he shoved the guy toward the developing play. Totally bush league, head up the ass play.

Did the Nittany Lions party too late last night? Are they going to use the noon kickoff to explain it? The weather? Neither of those are anything but lame-o excuses. Man up, guys! You’ve got too much talent to be delivering some of these half-assed performances we’ve seen. As for today, I’m done yelling at them, so I can tell you that they delivered 442 yards, of which 180 were on the ground. Leading rushers were Evan Royster and Derrick Williams, with 63 and 61 yards, respectively. On the other hand, this same Hoosiers’ defense allowed Central Michigan’s backup quarterback to throw for 485 yards and four touchdowns.

Deon Butler passed Bobby Engram on the all-time receptions list, with 167 career catches. Today, he had 56 yards on five catches.

Did anybody see Andrew Quarless out there? Clearly, Mickey Shuler started and played most snaps at tight end. I was wondering whether Quarless, a Ganja Three Action Figure, got demoted to third-string, as he should have been after last week’s two ignorant drops.

Nittany Lions head coach Joe Paterno coached once again from the press booth and says that he won’t be on the sideline again for the Michigan State game next week. Joe has finally admitted that he might need total hip replacement surgery, perhaps as early as the day after the Michigan State game. This Turkey had a total hip replacement seven and a half years ago and I highly recommend that Joe goes for it. The pain one suffers when the hip cartilage is shot and bone rubs on bone is indescribably intense, it is with one all the time, to the extent that it disrupts sleep, and it’s even worse when a hip replacement candidate puts any pressure on it, such as by walking or even just standing. It is a level of pain that disrupts one’s thought processes. Let’s hope Paterno is not so stubborn, as is typically his wont, to opt for the surgery. This is one operation the orthopedic surgeons have pretty much mastered. Complications are few and rehab is reasonably short. The best thing about it is regaining one’s former lifestyle. This Turkey has been regularly doing 10-13 mile hikes since the six-month milestone, with no hip pain at all. Nothing even feels unnatural. This is quite a contrast to the years leading up to surgery. I know exactly what Joe is going through, although his is probably worse because he is 20 years older than I. But I digress, albeit passionately, as this is a subject in which I’m deeply involved and well versed.

That takes care of the wrap-up for the Indiana game. This Turkey knows that he beat you all up by harping on the sleepy-time antics of the Lions in the first half, but I don’t know why it has to happen week after week after week, ad nauseam. A win is a win, but against a lot of decent teams, the hole PSU dug for themselves in the first half would have been fatal. They have two games left to fix the problem, because the teams they face in those games will be much better equipped to take advantage of Penn State screw-ups and lethargy.

Coming up: the big battle for the vaunted Land Grant Trophy, as Penn State hosts Moo U. on November 22. Paterno says that Michigan State is playing as well as anyone in the Big Ten at the moment, and it’s pretty hard to argue with that. Fortunately, kickoff for that game is scheduled for 3:30. The game this year turns out to have a higher purpose beyond the crappy trophy. It is for all the Big Ten marbles and a trip to Pasadena to play in the Rose Bowl. There should be no lack of enthusiasm. God, I hope so.

Back Home in Native-Americanana

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Let’s be politically correct, shall we? There is no way we can keep on using the I-word in a state name. No, man. Not in this day and age. It is horrible hate speech, shamefully directed at the dusky skinned, colorfully named billionaires who own all those casinos, unlike the hard working online casino startup games which provide live blackjack online experience to all it’s players. Pure wealth envy. This Turkey will not stand for it. Henceforth, we shall refer to the state located between Ohio and Illinois as Native-Americanana. You can read this game guide to learn new tricks and play games more efficiently to get big wins. I know you’ll be happy about that.

You see, the #8 Penn State Nittany Lions (9-1, 5-1 Big Ten) will host the Native-Americanana Hoosiers (3-7, 1-5 Big Ten) on Saturday at high noon. Many Lions fans wonder why this game should be played. They’re pissed off over the Iowa loss and they’re bored with the prospect of playing a vastly inferior opponent. Of course, these are the same people who looked past the Hawkeyes all the way to Miami on January 8. Most of the fans would enjoy better play online casino games at https://kingscasino.net.

Beware the ‘Eye games. That’s Buckeye, Hawkeye, and Eye-word. OK, that’s a stretch, but I’m in a silly-ass mood again. You see what that brought us when I wrote the Iowa preview in semi-Ebonic mode. So I guess I’ll shitcan the frivolity. Or not.

I really don’t want to write about Ind—oops, I mean Native-Americanana. Let my ennui provide something constructive, in any case. Do you know what a Hoosier is? I didn’t think so. Well, here’s something I shamelessly stole about the origin of the word.

The origins of Hoosier are rather obscure, but the most likely possibility is that the term is an alteration of hoozer, an English dialect word recorded in Cumberland, a former county of northwest England, in the late 19th century and used to refer to anything unusually large. The transition between hoozer and Hoosier is not clear. The first recorded instance of Hoosier meaning “[Native-Americanana] resident” is dated 1826; however, it seems possible that senses of the word recorded later in the Dictionary of Americanisms, including “a big, burly, uncouth specimen or individual; a frontiersman, countryman, rustic,” reflect the kind of use this word had before it settled down in [there’s that I-word again]. As a nickname, Hoosier was but one of a variety of disparaging terms arising in the early 19th century for the inhabitants of particular states. For example, Texans were called Beetheads, Alabamans were Lizards, Nebraskans were Bug-eaters, South Carolinians were Weasels, and Pennsylvanians were Leatherheads. People in Missouri might have had it worst of all—they were called Pukes. Originally, these names were probably taken up by people living in neighboring states, but belittled residents adopted them in a spirit of defiant pride, much as American colonists turned the derisive term Yankee into a moniker for their spirit of rebellion. Today, most of these frontier nicknames have disappeared from the landscape. A few like Okie still exist with much of their original animus. Others survive as nicknames for the sports teams of state universities—the North Carolina Tarheels, the Ohio [State] Buckeyes, and so on—fighting words only on the playing field or court.

How’s that for filler material? The PSU Leatherheads will be playing the big, burly, uncouth Hoosiers during this purported bye week. Good thing we won’t be seeing the Pukes.

I used that as a spacer so it wouldn’t look like I was too lazy to write about the game. Frankly, I’m bored with this game and don’t really want to write about it. How many times must I say that before you believe me? I’d rather be planning our hiking excursion tomorrow. The team and its coaches better not be feeling similar apathy and detachment.

The foregoing bit of snottiness leads us to the half-hearted Official Turkey Poop Prediction for the week. I really screwed up last week, predicting a big, 31-7 win over Iowa. This week is accordingly problematical. The Nitty Kitties could come out completely flat, passionless, and apathetic, or they could come out frustrated, angry, and ready to kick ass. It’s anyone’s guess. The gambling line is a bit ridiculous, with Penn State favored by 37 and an over/under of 57. This suggests a 47-10 outcome. You know what’s coming. Let’s not overthink this—I have to charge up my GPS batteries and get the bug spray out. Leatherheads 47, Hoosiers 10.