The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Parity?

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Here’s a paragraph about the Temple game. Penn State won, 31-0, despite a completely lifeless, uninspired performance by the Nittany Lions. And now, the news.

Michigan and Ohio State both lost. Surely, you’ve heard. What are the implications for the post-season for the Big Ten, and what are the ramifications for the Nittany Lions? Damned if I know, but being a blogger, I am obligated to act as if I do. So let us commence with the quasi-gluteal analysis—another overconfident, semi-baseless, Turkeyesque pontification, as it were.

The loss to Illinois ends Ohio State’s quest for this season’s still somewhat mythical national championship (SSMNC), as it drops them to seventh place in the BCS, at the tail of the queue of top-tier, one-loss teams vying for the SSMNC. Frankly, this puts them out of their misery, as they would have surely gone down in flames to LSU or Oregon or whomever would have been their opponent just as convincingly as they lost to Florida last year, embarrassing the readily embarrassable Big Ten which on the whole was crappy last year and crappier this year. Now, the Buckeyes have to be content with losing to Arizona State in the Rose Bowl (presented by whoever the hell) if they can only beat Michigan next week. (And they will.)

And what of Michigan? Chad Henne and Mike Hart stuck around just so they could be a part of a Wolverine team that contended for the SSMNC. That went down the drain very rapidly in the counter-clockwise rotating vortex of a loss to Appalachian State and another very ugly loss to Oregon, for good measure. So, Messrs. Henne and Hart adjusted their lofty goals somewhat downward, settling on merely winning a Big Ten championship. That one is still up in the air after this week’s loss to Wisconsin, but sorry boys, it ain’t gonna happen. Michigan and Ohio State still hang onto the top rung of the Big Ten ladder with one conference loss each, and they’ll face each other next week. Alas, this Turkey has already postulated that Ohio State shall win that battle, and if the Turkey says it, it shall be so. So, too bad, Henne and Hart. You’ll have to settle for #2 or #3, maybe.

Illinois has two losses and their final game is against a somewhat shaky bunch of Wildcats from Northwestern. Don’t bet on anything here. The way college football is going this year, ain’t no such thing as a sure thing. However, if Illinois can avoid a lapse and conquer Northwestern, they’ll join Michigan in a tie for second place in the Big Ten. This sends the Maize and Blue to Orlando and the Fighting Illini sans Chief Illiniwek to Tampa.

That leaves the three-loss teams: Penn State and Wisconsin. Wisconsin’s final game is at Minnesota, about as sure a win as anything can be in the Big Ten this year. The Golden Gophers are anything but golden this year, having only a single win, a non-conference game with Miami of Ohio. They won that one by a mere six points. So, we’ll say Wisconsin will finish the year with three losses. Either they or Penn State will go to San Antonio, if the mediocre Nittany Lions can win their season ender against unpredictable Michigan State in East Lansing and remain at three losses—and that’s pretty optimistic considering how the Lions have looked on the field, particularly in consequential road games.

If we assume that Penn State will beat Moo U., this Turkey sees the Big Ten bowl picture shaking out like this:

Rose: Ohio State
Citrus: Michigan
Hall of Fame: Illinois
Alamo: Penn State
Tangerine: Wisconsin

(Yeah, you’re right. I used the original names of those bowl games instead of the current, money-grubbing sponsor names. If you can’t figure out which is which, here’s the list in their present form: Rose Bowl presented by Citi, Capital One Bowl, Outback Bowl, Valero Alamo Bowl, and Champ’s Sports Bowl—what a buncha pecuniary shit!)

What’s that you say? Penn State not playing on New Year’s Day is a travesty? Stop chewing on the peyote and drink your Kool-Aid like a good boy. You’re delirious.

Anyhow, those of you who are counting on a Big Ten team getting an at-large BCS berth to move Penn State up in the bowl hunt might as well forget it. No matter what our emotions say, no teams in the Big Ten deserve to be in the BCS other than the obligatory one guaranteed a slot by way of the conference championship. That will be Ohio State, and the Rose Bowl is their BCS destination. Michigan and Illinois will play on New Year’s Day, too. The rest of us Big Ten peons must be content with lesser bowls.

Needless to say, if Penn State does not beat Michigan State, even the Champ’s Sports Bowl won’t want them. Instead of Orlando or San Antonio, we fans must be content to be going to the mythical Kohler Toilet Bowl in Kohler, Wisconsin to play against the Mighty McCabe Sisters—and it’s mighty cold in Kohler in late December.

This Turkey might receive scorn for saying this, but to hell with it (when did scorn ever stop me?), I’ll say it anyway. We’re damned fortunate for this underachieving team to be in the post-season at all, and playing a 4th place ACC or Big 12 team is the lot they’ve drawn with uninspired play all season long. Buncha shit, ain’t it, living in the middle of the pack, having bubbles burst week after week? Those of you who think we’re getting the shaft bowlwise if Penn State is invited to San Antonio, please wake up! The 2007 Nittany Lions do not deserve a New Year’s Day bowl game! Furthermore, they couldn’t win one, given their leaderless apathy and poorly coached game plans. I’d rather see the boys play a decent game against Boston College or Texas than get their clocks cleaned by the likes of Florida. This might be setting my sights low so I won’t be disappointed, but I can’t get all charged up about a team that can’t get itself all charged up.

Seems like there’s parity among top-tier teams in college football this year. On any given Saturday (or sometimes, Thursday), any one of them can beat any other. The Nittany Lions are on the outside of that group looking in, definitely not top-tier. How long do you think it will be before Penn State is able to beat a Top Ten team again? Anyhow, it is great fun to loot through the damn window from the outside to watch these elite teams beating the crap out of each other vying for the SSMNC, but nowhere near as much fun as it would be to be able to play on the same field with the big boys again.

Land Grant TrophyI’m done for now. I’ll be back Wednesday with some appropriately irreverent comments about the forthcoming Michigan State game, including a glimpse of the trophy that goes to the winner of this annual contrived rivalry game, the vaunted Land Grant Trophy (pictured at left). In the meanwhile, as a continuing service by the Turkey, up-to-the-minute East Lansing weather will appear in the sidebar at right.

Note: Kohler did not pay for the free plug, and no toilet bowls were harmed in the creation of this blog.

Going to Temple

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Temple OwlsThis is going to be a relatively short article. (I can hear the sighs of relief out there as I write this.) I’ve had some demands on my time that have impinged on my Wednesday blogspace but a promise is a promise. I said I’d be back on Wednesday, and here I am.

I don’t think you’ll find many writers establishing great angles on this game that can make anything interesting of it. Perhaps the Al Golden angle will be beaten to death. Will the PSU coaches pull up their rampaging steed to thwart embarrassment of “one of their own?” Even if that thought enters their mind, this Turkey does not recommend it, inasmuch as the offense will take care of that by acting as usual. Oy! We’re in the red zone. Let us pray…

Another angle is that this is really a home game for Penn State, because of the 70,000 expected fans at Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday, probably 50,000 of them will be rooting for the Blue and White.

My feeling is that our defense, which has become shaky of late, will be most assuredly up to the task of handling Temple. The Owls (3-6) are ranked #107 and #63 in rushing and passing offense, respectively. They’re #108 in scoring offense with an average of just over 18 ppg primarily against MAC opponents. Meanwhile, the Nittany Lions rank #12 in total defense. They should throttle the Owls until midway through the third quarter, when the bench begins to be emptied. It’s even worse for Temple than it looks, because they’ve lost their star quarterback, Adam DiMichele, for the season. His replacement, Vaughn Charlton, is known to  be quite immobile.

Things are more even, as one would expect, when the Penn State offense has the ball. The mediocre PSU offense is ranked #56, while Temple is ranked #55 in total defense. Looking at these stats is somewhat deceptive, as Temple ranks #77 in rushing defense whereas the Nittany Lions rank #30 in rushing offense. The Lions should be able to run on these Owls all day long. Remarkably, Penn State is #76 in passing offense versus Temple’s #28, a flip-flop vis-a-vis the running situation.

This Turkey is of the opinion that Joe Paterno and his boys will not want to put the big hurt on Temple. I’m looking for a boring ground game from the Lions and a BBDB defense that can give us the usual scares. I couple of screwups here and there with penalties, turnovers, and red zone ineptitude in general can turn this presumably easy win into a nightmare, by which I mean that the game will not be decided by the second quarter. I am hoping that the Lions open it up early and grab a quick lead, but my fear is that they’ll come out with the intent of grinding it out and revert to beginning of season form, in which they don’t get started until the second quarter.

We’ll be seeing a plethora of clean jerseys in this one if Penn State can jump out to an early lead. The risk there is that Temple will hang around the entire game. I don’t expect starters to be playing very much in the second half. Save them for the all-important Moo U. game, which could mean the difference between the Valero Alamo Bowl and the Champ’s Sports Bowl. (BFD!)

The gambling line is 24 points, with Penn State favored, and the over/under at this time is 46.5. If the money votes are accurate, it would point to about a 35-12 Nittany Lions win.

This brings us to the Official Turkey Poop Prediction for this week. I think Temple will be held to three points in the first half, while the Lions rack up 27. In the second half, the PSU defense will loosen up, and the offensive play calling will grow more conservative. Temple could well win the second half, but they won’t. Alas, it will be hard for them to surmount the first half deficit. Penn State 44, Temple 13.

Mediocrity Bowl

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Purdue handed us one. Two mediocre, middle-of-the-pack Big Ten teams played a mediocre game for the rights to go to a mediocre post-season bowl game. While some individual performances were noteworthy, the flaws in both these teams were exposed in this game, which, by the way, ended in the win column for Penn State 26-19. The Boilermakers and the Nittany Lions now have identically mediocre 7-3 records. They’re twins, performance partners, pretenders, playing in the shadow of Michigan and Ohio State, which neither team can beat. I’ll get to my rant about our mediocrity later on, but first, the game.

Saturday’s game highlighted the red-zone ineptitude that has long plagued Penn State, while Purdue’s penchant for incurring unnecessary penalties made one wonder if they really wanted to win this thing. Before the game would end, however, Penn State would eclipse Purdue’s penalty yards. Did anyone want to win this game?

Purdue got off to a great start, though, drawing on yet another of Penn State’s weaknesses. On the first play of the game, Dorien Bryant took a Kevin Kelly kickoff at the 2 yard-line and returned it 98 yards for a touchdown. The Nittany Lions have been pure crap on kickoff coverage all year, so this was a fitting tribute to their ineptitude. The early seven points by Purdue injected anesthesia into the already comfortably numb 12:00 starting crowd. Penn State tried to reply. Aided by a 15-yard, completely unnecessary personal foul penalty for a late hit out-of-bounds on Anthony Morelli, the Lions drove down to the Purdue 10 and then did their imitation of Dumb and Dumber. Through transparent play-calling and one stupid procedure penalty, Penn State did all it could to avoid the end zone, salvaging three points on a Kelly 26-yard field goal.

The penalty was on Quarless, and it would not be the first of the day for young Andrew. His line play is still shaky. Yeah, he’s a good receiver, but until they move him to wide receiver, he’s got to play tight end, too. That involves line play. Hear me, Quarless? Three out of four McCabe sisters might have done a better job than you, had they not been immersed in watching Navy beat their beloved Fighting Irish (1-8) at the time.

Back to the game, one got the feeling that Senior Day would be a long day while watching Bryant return the ensuing kickoff 39 yards to the Purdue 43. While the drive from there failed, the initial field position was good enough to allow the Boilermakers to pull off a 45-yard field goal, re-establishing their touchdown lead.

After a three-and-out and a subpar, 38-yard punt by the hapless Lions, Purdue drove down to the Penn State one yard-line, where, in a key momentum switching instant, Jaycen Taylor tried to do that dumb thing where they hold the ball out over the goal line while getting the snot knocked out of him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Score denied. Penn State ball.

Driving out of enemy territory as the clock wound down on the quarter, Purdue’s Justin Scott incurred yet another 15-yard personal foul penalty for a late hit out-of-bounds on Morelli. Joe Tiller must think he’s Steve Austin or something. However, this drive wound up going nowhere, ending in a punt. Purdue’s drive, marred by a couple of false start penalties and a sack by Phillip Taylor, went nowhere as well.

On the next series, however, the Lions would hit paydirt. A 33-yard run by Evan Royster gave them a springboard from which to strike, and Morelli nicely finished the drive with a 5-yard touchdown pass to Derrick Williams, who was on his way to having a great day. This tied the score at 10-10 as the clock wound down toward halftime.

After a three-and-out by Purdue, Penn State drove the ball quickly down the field to the Purdue 13 and with :08 on the clock, attempted a field goal. The kick sailed wide. Purdue to the rescue! A roughing the kicker penalty gave the Nittany Lions another chance, which Kelly nailed. The half ended with the score Penn State 13, Purdue 10.

The third quarter started in mediocre fashion as Penn State could not get the ball out of its own end and punted the ball away. Purdue then drove 74 yards and kicked a 28-yard field goal. Score tied. The next exchange was similar to this one. Three-and-out by Penn State, a punt, and Purdue drove down the field and stalled, kicking a 50-yard field goal to take the lead, 16-13.

The Nittany Lions responded with a 9-play, 69 yard drive, capped by a 12-yard touchdown scamper by Derrick Williams. The try failed due to a bad snap, leaving the margin at a field goal. PSU 19, Purdue 13.

After a Purdue three-and-out, Penn State once again had an opportunity to score. Unfortunately, red-zoneitis reared its ugly head. Rodney Kinlaw was running all over the Purdue defense with gains of 25, 4, and 19 yards, but it was on the last of those runs that Kinlaw fumbled the ball away on the Purdue six yard-line.

After a few inept series, Penn State added its final score of the day, capping a 65-yard drive with a 26-yard touchdown run by Evan Royster. Purdue was only able to kick a meaningless field goal after that. They tried a lot of “stuff” late in the game, including an onside kick and a desperation Hail Mary pass at the closing gun. All went for naught. Final Score, Penn State 26, Purdue 19. It was handed to us with penalties and a dumbass fumble at the one—we’ll take it.

As I mentioned above, Derrick Williams had the kind of day of which we have long been hoping that there would be many. Where has Williams been, other than playing crappily and taking dives? Well, he’s back, and this Turkey hopes that this is not just a temporary thing for the talented junior. He wound up with 10 receptions for 95 yards, along with 21 yards rushing and two touchdowns. Nice wake-up, Derrick!

Anthony Morelli had a decent day, too, going 22-35 for 210 yards and a touchdown, with no interceptions.

Running da ball, Royster and Kinlaw equaled Morelli’s production with 210 yards and a touchdown. Royster is emerging as a premier running back, while Kinlaw is moving backward. He fumbled twice unprettily, evoking memories of the deposed Austin Scott.

Defensively, the Nittany Lions appeared to regain their old spark. Dan Connor eclipsed Paul Posluszny’s tackle record (372). Sean Lee forced a key turnover at the one yard-line. And Maurice Evans was once again playing in Purdue’s backfield, forcing yet another fumble. Justin King was actually covering receivers tightly, for a change. That was great to see.

Warning: FLAME ON—

Our topsy-turvy sports fan psyche got an unfortunate boost from this game, but this is a program headed south—and I don’t mean to a bowl game. In the battle for mediocre macho posturing in a mediocre year for a mediocre league by two mediocre teams, Penn State proved the comparatively less mediocre of the two. While a loss surely would have ended our pipe dreams of New Years’ Day bowl games in far-off, subtropical states, we now still cling to desperate hopes of season redemption. With a 4-3 Big Ten record, we get to sit back and watch the big kids at Michigan and Ohio State slug it out on the big, grown-up stage for the real prize while we and the other pretenders play in the sandbox of not-quite-there-yet mediocrity, hoping not to screw up too badly so we can back into a higher-paying bowl game to make us feel better about our failed seasons. Fan conditioning has a lot to do with how well we feel about that. For Purdue fans, their expectations probably weren’t as high for their season as were ours. After all, we were really good for a long while as recently as 13 years or so ago, and those memories tend to induce delusions that our team is close to being what it once was. It ain’t and it ain’t likely to be in the foreseeable future.

We are no longer talking about BCS bowls—praise the Lord. Either we stopped chewing on the locoweed or we suddenly realized that we’re as mediocre as our 7-3 record. Alas, now we have to settle for aspirations of the top of the range of the non-BCS bowls. We even need help to get there. Illinois is the only team with two Big Ten losses at the moment, but they have to play Ohio State next week. Wisconsin, Purdue and Penn State all have three losses, but we beat those two, giving us some tie-breakers to hang our hopes on. In order to keep our hopes for salvation alive, we damn well have to beat Moo U. in Lansing Stadium in two weeks. That is incontrovertibly essential.

But what are we really hoping for? Are we wanting to cut off our nose to spite our face? Think we could handle a good SEC team? (Don’t give me that crap about beating Tennessee in the Outback Bowl last year—they weren’t particularly good and you know it.) This year’s Penn State team has the feel of an average Alamo Bowl or a good Champ’s Sports Bowl team. If we get anything better, we’ll just be jumping headlong into the fire. I am bemused by some of the homeboy logic I read about how good Penn State is or has been during the past decade. Sure, we’ve had winning records in a number of years and we had some superior results in 2002 and 2005. But pass the peyote you people are chewing on—I ain’t buying your logic. Are you saying that our major accomplishments have been that game against a bad Tennessee team in the Outback Bowl last year and winning that crappy Orange Bowl in which we out-slopped a five-loss Florida State team, another program on the decline that backed into the ACC championship, in 87 overtimes? A win is a win? It is what it is? Come on, folks. Stop deluding yourselves. We’re a mediocre, middle-of-the-pack team in a mediocre conference. We’ve had some excellent performances by individuals such as Larry Johnson, Michael Robinson, and Paul Posluszny, but we’re far from being a cohesive team. Our coaching is hopelessly conservative and behind the times. Our team is presently leaderless. Chances are, we couldn’t carry a good SEC team’s jock straps. So, don’t go hoping for a Capital One Bowl so we can get our asses kicked up and down the field as we did with Ohio State. We can’t even handle Boeckman, let alone a quarterback like Tim Tebow.

FLAME OFF — I feel better now

I’ll be back on Wednesday with some snotty comments about the all-unimportant intrastate road clash in Philly with the mighty [awful] 3-6 Temple Owls.