The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Sudden Impact: Bike Week and NASCAR

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Yeah, mah peeps, it’s Biketoberfest in Daytona, so for a week I will be placidly serenaded to non-sleep by the sounds of choppers running wide open in second gear on the I-4 fun run between the Orlando attractions and the biker bars back on da beach. I live about a mile from I-4, and when the wind is right, it sounds as if they’re running right through my bathroom and out the back door.

That’s yet another thing to make a curmudgeon more curmudgeonly, to render a fowl fouler, as it were. I’ve been largely absent from blogging and have been feeling guilt, but not too much, as my excuse is that I’m building a humongous computer system that will enable me to write this drivel just as copiously as now, but with a helluva lot of computing headroom, just in case I need it for a Turkey rant.

“When you’re in ‘NASCAR,’ you can rip off quite a few plays very quickly.” —Penn State running backs coach Charles London

Where’s the NASCAR connection? Daytona, you ask? Noooooo, nooooooo, I was thinking of Penn State’s hurry-up offense, which like its namesake’s cars is anything but stock, and is sure as hell a refreshing change from the Paterno Buick driven by an old lady to church on Sundays. So give a read here, already.

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Jerry Sandusky is starting the appeal process. He maintains his innocence of the half-a-hundred charges of which he was convicted. Today, his attorneys asked for a new trial because they hadn’t been given sufficient time to prepare. This was pretty much expected, and it is also pretty much expected that it is not going anywhere. Jer will be joining the legions of other innocent men at Camp Hill. Good try.

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Dear Old State will not be renewing the contract of former athletic director Tim Curley when it expires in June 2013, it was revealed today. Curious timing, to be sure. I guess Curley never relinquished the title of athletic director, but he was put on “administrative leave”, a sort of disemployed yet still getting paid purgatory. The administration is surely pandering to someone with this move. OR — another thought — Dave Joyner is a short-timer, and the powers-that-be are anxious to form a search committee to find the next Penn State AD. Curley’s trial is in January. He still faces perjury charges.

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It is possible that we won’t get a close-up look at Mark Weisman, Iowa’s prolific running back, at Saturday night’s game.  This is a shame, as this Jewish Turkey wanted to catch a glimpse of the most outstanding “Landsman” tailback since Herschel Walker. OK, just kidding about Herschel, so I cannot even think of any other Jewish running backs. How about Elroy “Crazy Legs” Hirsch? I dunno. He was from Wisconsin, so he’s probably a German Hirsch. The fact is, how many Jewish mothers would allow their sons to play in a position in which they could get hoit, already? “If you’re going to play football, you’re going to be a quarterback! And don’t miss any violin lessons, either!” I could go on an on. Poor Markele hurt his ankle last week in a winning effort against Moo U, in which he carried the ball 26 times for 116 yards, his fourth consecutive 100-yard game. An MRI later, he’s been cleared to play by the crack Hawkeye medical staff, but his status is listed as questionable.

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So, you say you like your football rivalries to be played out against a modern day, sardonic background of unbridled hatred and ridicule? Yeah, you say? OK. Here are a couple of good places to satisfy your negativistic impulses, perhaps in order to drive home the fact that we Penn Staters “are not like that.” Well, a few of us are. Catch a dose at “Penn State Football: Seven Reasons to Hate Iowa” and “Why Iowa Sucks.” I am, of course, a hypocrite, as I’ll take every opportunity to disparage an opponent. Is that what passes for journalism these days?

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Along the same lines, Bill O’Brien hates Twitter, or so he said in the aftermath of a controversial comment tweeted by Stephon Morris to the effect that the two teams hate each other. “Do you know what I hate? I hate Twitter,” the first-year coach said at his weekly news conference. “We have a tremendous amount of respect for their football program and how they play the game, how they’re coached. I think that’s just young guys tweeting this, tweeting that.”

Good for Bill! This whole notion of hatred instead of respect is enough to piss off an old, hypocritical Turkey.

Recall that Joe Paterno, when asked something about Twitter, professed ignorance, while referring to it as “Tweedle Dum, Tweedle Dee.”

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Hey, who came up with that BoB crap, anyway? It sucks big time and it is getting way old. Paterno never liked the “JoePa” moniker, and O’Brien doesn’t like the BoB crap. His name is Bill, not BoB. Yeah, they’re public figures, so we can call them anything we want, but it is no longer cute or novel, as everyone is doing it, and it devalues the individual whose name you’re too lazy to type.

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Tweet of the Day

Why is Catherine Tate still on The Office? While we’re at it, could we get Anthony Morelli a few more years at PSU???

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Major congratulations to the Detroit Tigers, who swept the hated New York Yankees to earn their second World Series appearance in seven years. This Turkey always loves to see the Bronx Bombers get the shaft. Hell, I was there for the Series in 1976 when they got their ass kicked in four by the Big Red Machine. Sweet time in Yankee Stadium. But I digress. With all the crap southeastern Michigan has endured, this is a well deserved happy time! Meanwhile, in the NL, the Cards are one game away from dispatching the Giants, holding a 3-1 lead in the best of seven NLCS series.

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It’s late, so lemme get some sleep. I’ll be back on the morrow with my thoughts on the Big Ten Prime Time game. (The notion of the BTN in prime time kind of titillates me. It’s like they got the 8 pm time slot because the programming geniuses at ABC/ESPN thought this would be a consequential and interesting game when they initially scheduled it. Now, they’re ceding it to the BTN. This is kind of like finding out that your blind date is your sister.)

Terry, those calls are coming from inside the apartment!

Steppin’ in It

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We used to call it “Sphincter Ball”. Penn State’s venerable erstwhile head coach Joe Paterno was a percentage player, not a gambler. Numerous instances of his exasperatingly conservative calls pollute our football memories with sad tales of lost opportunities. It was annoying, and it typically led to unsatisfyingly mixed feelings of Pyrrhic victories when the conservatism paid off, and anger when it didn’t.

“Never up, never in.”

“You can’t hit a home run if you don’t step up to the plate.”

Sports metaphors abound.

“The defensive form of war is not a simple shield, but a shield made up of well-directed blows.” —Carl von Clausewitz

Why couldn’t we have tried a play-action pass instead of running it up the gut four times, only to turn the ball over on downs at the one yard-line? I don’t have to tell you which specific game that was, because there were many similar examples through the years and you all know them well. I had Michigan in mind, but it might well have been Alabama. The M.O. was the same.

Well, that boring-ass crap is out the window now that the Bill O’Brien regime has firmly taken hold. Suddenly, one looks back over the past quarter-century or so and wonders what kind of glory was sidetracked by conservative play calling. (The 1995 Rose Bowl team was an exception — no amount of crappy play calling could have held back that offensive juggernaut.) The old philosophy of handing the job of winning games to the defense while employing the offense to give the defense a blow, exemplified by little foibles like always deferring when the initial coin-toss was won, sucks big time. Balance wins ball games.

At Mike’s Garage, the usual suspects assembled for their usual dose of Penn State football. A boring first half led to a discussion of modern European history, replete with mentions the megalomaniacal meanderings of the mad mini-Corsican, Napoleon Bonaparte, and incorporating the significance of the Hohenzollerns, the Franco-Prussian War, and the Polish Corridor as Europe progressed through the 19th and 20th centuries. However, along the way, we forgot to ask a very important Machiavellian question with relevance to this football game, to reel in our group digression.

“The best defense is a good offense.” Who the hell originally said that?

I’ve always thought it was Vince Lombardi, late coach of the Giants, Packers, and Redskins. I was wrong about that. Apparently the old adage finds its roots in paraphrased military writings, in particular, the philosophical musings of Prussian military genius Carl von Clausewitz (1780-1831), to wit:

Although the concept of defense is parrying a blow and its characteristic feature is awaiting the blow,  “if we are really waging war, we must return the enemy’s blows. . . .  Thus a defensive campaign can be fought with offensive battles. . .   “The defensive form of war is not a simple shield, but a shield made up of well-directed blows.”

The object of defense is preservation; and since it is easier to hold ground than to take it, defense is easier than attack.  “But defense has a passive purpose: preservation; and attack a positive one: conquest. . . .  If defense is the stronger form of war, yet has a negative object, if follows that it should be used only so long as weakness compels, and be abandoned as soon as we are strong enough to pursue a positive object.”

Defense is the stronger form of waging war.

Former heavyweight boxing champion Jack Dempsey might have been the individual who popularized the assertion in the sports context; he certainly exemplified the philosophy in his pugilistic endeavors.

So, somehow, we must have known that the answer involved Prussia, but by then we were waking up for the second half.

So, folks, did you see what the hell happened out there in the second half on Saturday? We all are happy that the Nittany Lions (4-2, 2-0 Big Ten) whipped the previously undefeated #24 Northwestern Wildcats (5-1, 1-1 Big Ten) 39-28. That’s obvious. However, this Turkey’s joy relates to how the victory was attained, coming  from behind with a mighty, risk-taking 22-point fourth quarter surge after allowing a special teams’ let-down to jeopardize a game that was well in hand, a masterpiece of O’Brienesque ball control football.

Get a grip! Yeah, I know. As Brian Griese, color commentator for ESPN, said, “Put this in perspective, people. It was Northwestern that they beat!” I don’t hold any disdain for Griese for making that strong statement, because he’s correct. It is not like they were out there playing Alabama and outwitting Nick Saban. We’re dealing with Northwestern and Pat Fitzgerald. So, let’s keep our egos in check, shall we?

On the other hand, there is much to be proud of, and my unabated joy over the offensive play-calling has to be something you share. “Going for it” on fourth down is no longer just a compromise because of an ineffectual field goal kicker. It is now a weapon.

Down 14-10 at the intermission after a mundane first half, I was prepared to sleep through the second half.

The head coach had different ideas. “Our staff and myself, we tried to talk to the players and get them going,” said the Nittany Lions’ head coach, who many now feel is a strong candidate for coach of the year. “We felt like we could move the ball.”

Bill O’Brien and staff were obviously successful in motivating the players with the direct cajoling approach, if not beating it into their heads, but beyond that I’ll throw another cliché at ya: Nothing succeeds like success. When this bunch of guys realize that they can win, they will  win.

By now, you know all the highlights, but I’ll sum it up.

  • I think the old, Paterno-run teams of the past quarter-century (with obvious exception noted above) would have played sphincterball and lost after being demoralized by Venric Mark’s 75-yard punt return to increase NWU’s lead to 28-17 with a minute left in the third quarter.
  • With the old style of play firmly inbrained in my grain, I thought, “Uh oh. Here comes the second half defensive let-down. Now, the floodgates will open.”
  • I didn’t even have a chance to think about the famous Wildcat fourth quarter meltdowns against Penn State of recent revered memory, the most famous of which involved a fourth quarter gamble from Mike Robinson to Isaac Smolko in 2005. So, don’t let me be too rough on Paterno teams of the past. He just tightened up the old bungvalve when he felt that he had inferior talent, but when he had confidence in someone like M-Rob, he took off the leash.
  • I did yell, “Mistake!” on a couple of those fourth-down conversion tries. Yeah, I know that Sam Ficken couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bag of rice, although he made an 85-yarder on a kickoff (LOL), but still, those calls took BIG BRASS BALLS.
  • You could say that Penn State had nothing to lose, but I would be willing to bet that O’Brien would make the same calls if the conference championship were at stake. This guy has cojones!
  • The announced attendance of 95,769 sucks. This is Homecoming, people! I mean 13,000 empty seats and it wasn’t even snowing. WTF??? This was an amazing game to watch. What do you people want?
  • Sam Ficken batted 1.000 for the day. You can’t beat that with a stick!
  • PSU covered the spread and hit the “over” hard. WTG, boys!
  • If containing Colter was an object, then big kudos to the Big D! Five carries for 24 yards. Good work, guys!

Five of six fourth down conversions. Yeah, some of them against a very tired defense, but all part of a well-oiled, well-adjusted game plan. I’m proud of the boys and their coach.

The stats, of course, made the game appear much more lopsided in favor of Penn State than it actually was, given that the 75-yard punt return by #5 could have very easily won the game for NWU. Statistics are almost always misleading in the face of fortune.  Nevertheless, the plan to keep Northwestern’s defense gasping for breath succeeded. Time of possession advantage to Penn State: about 40 minutes to 20. If any statistics support a win, that is the one.

OK, folks, those are my post-game thoughts. Not much detail and statistical analysis here, just post-game emotion (PGE). Please share your thoughts similarly. BigAl, what did they screw up this time?

It gets harder…

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No, this isn’t a commercial for long-acting Cialis. (By the way, what ever happened to Levitra? Cialis and the grandaddy of them all, the blue, football-shaped Viagra, are both going strong, but where the hell is Levitra? I don’t see any ads for it anymore. Maybe it was something about imagining a sexual interlude with the drug’s spokesman, Mike Ditka, that repulsed people. But I digress even before establishing a topic.)

The B1G schedule has begun, and Penn State is the master of its game. Well, not hardly, but much of what they did on the field Saturday looked pretty pretty pretty good, as it were. But don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. It gets much harder from here.

I was wrong once again. Did I overrate the Illini or underestimate the improvement of the Nittany Lions? Probably a little of both as I’ll happily admit anytime the desired effect is achieved. Screw my predictions. It is good to see Penn State winning, even if it is in the Big Ten, which it is in vogue for everybody to call crappy this year. As the later Joseph V. Paterno would say, “You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. We had to play hard to beat a good football team out theah. And we gotta get ready for Northwestern.”

In any case, the Nittany Lions (3-2, 1-0) prevailed 35-7 for their first in-conference win. The hapless Illini (2-3, 0-1) remain winless in the conference.

And, jou know soneseeng? It was a satisfying win that left few questions as to whether Bill O’Brien knows how to coach his offense. Mr. Head Coach cum Offensive Coordinator, ya did well, lad. And ya did it without much help from top running back Bill Belton or the dearly departed tight end (formerly known as second string quarterback) Paul Jones. You, Mr. O’Brien, did not suck. Even though the Fakowie defense was and is less than crappy, you impressed this old Turkey.

OMG OMG The Big Ten sucks so bad. Who cares? Get over it. You want to bullshit in a bar about something, talk about the variety we’ve seen implemented in this offense, which made the giant leap from 1972 to 2012 in about three games, if that.

O’Brien placed the running game in the capable hands of sophomore Zach Zwinak who scampered for 101 yards and two TDs while McGloin has a decent day at the helm, with 211 yards passing, 18 out of 30, plus one TD and no INTs. McGloin also showed how sneaky he was, scoring two touchdowns on the ground behind a mighty Stankiewicz-led surge. Still gimpy Bill Belton added 65 yards on 16 carries. No doubt that Mike Zordich is pissed off that he only got one carry for two yards. But then, all of those who had been gathering pine splinters and flirting with nurses have returned to action.

For a change, it was not Allen Robinson who topped the list of Penn State receivers. No, man, McGloin spread the ball around, counting on tight ends Matt Lehman and Kyle Carter for most of the grunt work. Lehman had five receptions for 70 yards and a touchdown.

It seemed that Illinois never seemed to get “untracked”. (It’s ON TRACK, dumbass sports commentators, not “untracked” or the pseudo-Teutonic equivalent, “untrakt”. Sorry, couldn’t resist; I digress. N’wait – don’t go away yet!) Much as in the Lousiana Tech game, they coughed the ball up early and often. Turnovers’ll kill ya, especially when they come demoralizingly early in a game after a completely demoralizing loss the prior week. Just wait until next week when they have to deal with the Badgers (3-2, 0-1). They’ll fold their tent in the third quarter.

Even the stripe-out at Memorial Stadium and one well executed trick play couldn’t help the Illini before an announced crowd of 46,734. They sucked.

Hidden well below the noise above was another bad day for Lions’ place kicker Sam Ficken, who missed both of his field goal tries. He was, however, perfect in five extra points converted. Punting was a bit better, too, as Mrs. Butterworth’s favorite son averaged 43.3 yards. Keep that up, Alex!

Things get tougher for Penn State (3-2, 1-0) after this. Undefeated — yeah, that’s right —Northwestern (5-0, 1-0) comes to State College, loaded for bear (or maybe Lion). This turkey will return later in the week to take a look at yet another catfight in Happy Valley.