The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Crappy Coaching’ll Kill Ya

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Yeah, the bloom is off that wild Irish rose, Bill O’Brien, especially after not having learned his lesson in the Kent State game. Once again in this game, he steered away from the run, putting the game on the shoulders of a freshman quarterback who is not ready to carry the load to obviate an inept and porous defense. In the end, the Hoosiers executed a well conceived game plan almost to perfection, winning going away 44-24.

There will be great celebrations in Bloomington tonight, as indeed there should be, as this is the first time ever the Hoosiers have beaten the mighty (albeit fading) Nittany Lions. Ever.

The only consistency we saw was Hackenberg’s being consistently off the mark through much of the game, although a couple of completions to Allen Robinson and Richie Anderson were pleasing to watch. Hacky wound up 30-55, indicating the extent to which pass happy O’Brien used the aerial assault. The kid’s got skills, but he’s being counted on to bail out an entire team and its coaches, which would be a helluva chore for Brett Favre, let alone a true freshman. As the season wears on, he seemingly gets more and more rattled in the pocket. It would help a lot if he had an offensive line in front of him.

There is indeed a leadership gap on this team, one I have been squawking about all year. Eventually, Hackenberg will be the man, but right now there is no “the man.” Leadership is needed on the field on both sides of the ball to get the team through rough spots — like two false starts in a row as the offense backed up toward its own goal line — but when the presumed leader is as spooked as everyone else, it has an amplified negative effect. When “the man” is scared, everybody is scared.

The few bright spots for this turkey were watching Allen Robinson and Zach Zwinak. Robinson had 12 receptions for 173 yards and two touchdowns. He’s like magic on the field. ZZ had only 17 carries for a total of 72 yards. While the Indiana defense worked hard on shutting down the run,  Zwinak still managed to look good. Belton didn’t.

The big problem on offense was that O’Brien apparently lacked the patience to stick to the game plan this turkey prescribed to him — namely, run the ball down their throats and set up some decent passing opportunities while controlling the ball and the clock. He seemed to do the opposite, abandoning fundamentals to play with his toy quarterback, putting him on the spot continually. Indiana’s defense put pressure on him throughout the game, further rattling him, culminating in a fumble in the end zone for a safety.

On the positive side, the offense was 11-22 on third down, not great, but a lot better than the 20% heretofore. On the negative side, they were 1-5 on fourth down, including one coaching call that would get lesser men fired.

Who knows what O’Brien had in his mind going for that fourth down. I characterized the call as more balls than brains. We in The Cave had already concluded that O’Brien was merely trying to draw an offside penalty when the offense lined up on fourth and two at their own 33. Wait! No shit! Hackenberg just took the snap! WTF??? Forty-two seconds later, Indiana scored, thanks to a failed conversion gifting them a very short field.

Our vaunted defense got torched for 486 yards. They looked out of sync all day, and couldn’t tackle worth a shit. I counted only one sack of Sudafed (ok, ok, Sudfeld), who was 23-38 for 321 yards, 2 TDs, and 1 INT. Rushing defense was porous, too. Coleman had 20 rushes for 92 yards and a touchdown. The only good thing I have to say about defense is about Indiana’s. It’s better than we thought, and that guy Bennett #24 is potential NFL material.

And special teams? Well, Butterworth punted a little better, but he can’t hold worth a shit.

I don’t want to write about this anymore. I  would rather read your thoughts.

Ineptitude’ll kill ya.

J’Ac’CUSE!

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This has nothing to do with Émile Zola’s rant about antisemitism or even athleticism. I just wanted to play on the CUSE angle, this being my post-game post in the wake of the Penn State vs. ‘Cuse game. SyraCUSE, that is. And if I can’t dazzle you with my brilliance, I’ll continue to baffle you with my bullshit, thankyouverymuch.

So, first things first. On a sunny day in Nyawk, the Nittany Lions outlasted the Orangemen from upstate 23-17. Well, it was really across da rivah in Joisey, but same t’ing. Fuggedaboudit! This was the secrecy shrouded debut of much heralded true freshman quarterback Christian Hackenberg, whose enormous potential was immediately apparent.

In the first half, Hackenberg was missing his biggest weapon, wide receiver and part-time rail gun Allen Robinson, who was mysteriously Manzieled, creating the biggest side story of the day, one which will undoubtedly suffer from rampant speculation and rumors because head coach Bill O’Brien would only say, “That’s between Allen and me.”  No doubt, the so-called experts will know exactly what happened and will tongue-in-cheek it to prove that they’re better than everybody else. But you know what? It’s between Robinson and O’Brien, and it’s nonna-you-biznis, capisce?

The first half was enough to make one believe that special teams are really necessary, winding up with a Penn State 6-3 lead. We knew that the game would open up in the second half after the two constipated teams went to their respective locker rooms for a little coaching Ex-Lax.

“At the end of the day, it’s just football.” —Christian Hackenberg

Those homeys who considered Syracuse a cupcake non-conference opponent might have been a little worried about looking like idiots at the water cooler* on Tuesday. It was clear that the Syracuse defensive game plan was to stuff the run and force the inexperienced quarterback of O’Brien’s choosing to pass, and thereby commit rookie mistakes. It worked pretty well, limiting the Nittany Lions to 57 yards on the ground. Both teams were sloppy with the ball, with three turnovers for the Orange and four for the Blue.

The meager PSU ground game saw workhorse Zach Zwinak carry 24 times for 61 yards and Bill Belton, 6 for 19. We did not see the chocolate speedster Akeel Lynch. This will have to be rectumfied no later than two weeks hence, or George O’Leary will put the big hurt on his former assistant.

Yeah, Hackenberg showed that he had rookie jitters, but lemme tell you, this 18 year-old has the composure of a 20 year-old senior citizen. Everyone was all ga-ga about his 54-yard touchdown pass to Geno Lewis with 11:39 left in the game for the score that would be the winning margin, but Hacky was dismissive, saying that his was the easy part, while the offensive line held the defense, Zach Zwinak picked up the blitz, and Lewis ran a great route. “All I did was deliver the ball. At the end of the day, it’s just football.”

He went on to say, “At the end of the day…” three times in a post-game presser that would have never happened under St. Joe, who did not allow freshies to talk to the media. O’Brien clearly feels that his men are not boys to be sheltered from the harsh realities of the meanies of the sports press. Hackenberg handled himself well, displaying an even temperament and the willingness to carry the team on the shoulders of his play while taking responsibility for his several mistakes and humbly crediting the more experienced guys on the team for his successes. This rosy-cheeked youngster could be the next Kerry Collins (although we hope he stays sober). He will have to develop a little swagger, but this clearly is not the time for it.

Hacky teamed up with the vaunted sheer athleticist Allen Robinson for the other major offensive excitement of the second half, a 51-yard touchdown pass. Robinson wound up with seven receptions for 133 yards in one, un-Manzieled half of play.

Of course, I mentioned rookie mistakes, so you have to take the bad with the good. Aside from the two touchdown passes the Hackster had a couple of nasty INTs. He seems to be the type of guy who learns from his mistakes and can put that crap behind him.

At the end of the day, Hackenberg completed 22 of 31 for 278 yards (which eclipsed Syracuse’s total output) two TDs and two INTs. He also had a 42 yard punt.

The other guy who competed for the starting job, juco transfer Tyler Ferguson, appeared for one series terminated by a fumble. Barring injuries to Hackenberg, this might be the last we see of Fergie until garbage time in the Brick Dick game.

The big surprise of the day was Sam “Schnozzola” Ficken, who kicked three field goals in three tries, including a career long of 46 yards. (Last year, he made none greater than 40 yards.) This turkey is happy for the much maligned, beleaguered, pinocchio-nosed kicker, who also demonstrated kickoff mastery, driving them deep enough that only two were returned.

Also worthy of note was a 31-yard punt return by Jesse Della Valle, which set up the Hackenberg to Lewis TD.

Of course, much of the rest of the special team effort continued to suuuuuuuuuck. Those two kickoffs that were returned went for 35 yards a pop and Alex Butterworth’s punting was mediocre, averaging 38.5 yards with none inside the 20.

The mighty Penn State defense did its job pretty damn well. Big star points go to Bronx native Stephen Obeng-Agyapong, who came up with a key interception in the second half, while operating anonymously without the name tag on his back. He also had stripped a ball and recovered the fumble. Plus he had a sack. No one knows why he was nameless. Perhaps the sheer weight of all the letters in his hyphenated last name pulled the thing off his back. Or perhaps Mrs. Spider got a defective batch of hyphens. I dunno. All of this in front of 10 friends and family from the Nyawk area.

Obeng said, “It was real special.”

I have a special connection with Obeng. Last year he tweeted for suggestions on a new pair of sneakers. I told him to get Air LeBrons, because at $315, they had to be good. He responded that he’d look into that. So, he’s mah homey now.

Trevor Williams had another key interception to put the capstone on the game with only 1:53 left as the Orange were driving for a potential winning touchdown. Thus, the secondary did what this turkey asked it to do: intercept some damn passes! That was something that was lacking last year.

Overall, the defense was competent, stopping the Orangemen when they had to and allowing  a stingy 260 total yards, just 71 of which were on the ground. That’s quite an accomplishment, given the running talents of the Cuse’s big guns The Prince (24 yards) and The Pauper (73 yards). Yeah, I know, that adds up to 97, but still. Sacks, y’know.

“Our defense bailed us out. They played a helluva game,” said O’Brien.

One serious defensive letdown was evident as Malcolm Willis let Jeremiah Kobena get behind him for a 55-yard touchdown pass from 12th-year senior Drew Allen. Whatchu talkin bout, Willis?

In Mike’s Garage, we feasted on a fine array of sandwich meats plus some special chili, courtesy of Artificially Sweetened and me. (She went family camping with another babe and their collective kids for the weekend, but she took half the chili with her). RD brought a few boxes of wine to complement the delectable comestibles. Mike also provided an apple pie and coffee after the game. We concluded by watching some nostalgic TV and then playing with guns.

Sadly, the “injury bug” struck hard during the game. Linebacker Mike Hull hung out on the sideline in street clothes for the second half, having injured his right knee.  Tight end Matt Lehman was carted off with “a knee” also. And other tight end Kyle Carter suffered an arm injury. Fortunately, Penn State is deep in tight ends (shaddddup!); alas, that’s not the case at LB, where injuries will quickly take a toll on defensive efficacy. There is little depth at that non-skill position.

And so, at the end of the day, this turkey was positively surprised by Kickin’ Ficken and the defensive secondary. I also believe that the proverbial sky is the limit for Christian Hackenberg — aided by a veritable arsenal of offensive weaponry, which is no surprise. Alas, the aforementioned injuries are another non-surprise, an impediment that is sure to hamper the team as the schedule progresses.

(On that note, I just spilled my coffee all over myself and the desk. Remind me not to use this damn tall cup anymore when there’s the possibility that hyperreflexia caused by marveling at my writing will cause continued coffee calamities.)

So, how did the Turkey do with the poopy prediction? Not bad. I predicted a PSU 26-24 win, implying that you should take ‘Cuse plus 8.5 and go for the “under”. You would have won on both bets. I didn’t quite hit the exact score, but I had the right idea. You may feel free to contribute 10% of your winnings to the American Heart Association via the thermometer-looking link toward the top of this page.

I’ll be back later in the week to perfidiously preview and flawlessly forecast the Brick Dick game against the Eastern Michigan Eaglets, who beat Howard 34-24 on Saturday. This whole desk smells like coffee now, damnit!

 

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*(Ancient history lesson: In offices, we used to have a device called a water cooler, where workers could dispense chilled water into little, biodegradable paper cones instead of carrying around plastic bottles that will provide archaeologists a million years hence with the evidence to conclude that we were a society of retrograde dumbasses, but I digress. The water cooler served as a social nexus in the workplace, a place where arguments about sports could take place while participants avoided work. I mention this superfluously, given that the average age of my readers is senior enough to have remembered what the hell water coolers actually are, as it were. Most younger readers eschew the Turkey, anyway, because they have too short attention spans — they like the “quick hitters” prevalent out there among the hacks, you know — plus they don’t like reading about old fart stuff, and they would become hopelessly lost if a paragraph consisted of more than two sentences or a word consisted of more than three syllables. Nevertheless, this footnote is for them—the vast, indistinguishable, unwashed, opinionated yet inarticulate masses, should they happen to stray from their safe trolling waters.)

They’re still saying “athleticism”

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(Yeah, this is my official pre-season prediction post for the Penn State Nittany Lions 2013 football season, but there’s something I must get off my chest first. Again.)

Even after I told them to stop using that vacuously vogueish vulgarity — athleticism — they kept on writing it, speaking it, taking it to dinner, and bending my mind with it. Retards! Of all the egregious etymology employed in the inherently insipid, grammatically grotesque spewing of sports speciousness, athleticism exists on a singular plateau above all the others, because not only is it made up, but also it is completely fucked up.

Go ahead! Look it up in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster’s lists the adjective athletic as meaning “of or relating to athletes or athletics,” or “used by an athlete.” The adverb form athletically is listed underneath, with the assumption that anyone looking in this area — except perhaps a sports commentator — would know the difference between an adverb and an adjective. Finally, the nominalization athleticism is listed alone, the implied definition of which being whatever the hell one’s imagination makes it.

Do we really need another noun? Isn’t athlete good enough? Doesn’t athlete imply athleticism? Can you have a non-athletic athlete? Are there degrees of “athleticism”? Can someone be more athleticistic than someone else?

******

OK, so that’s my opening rant for the day. I told you I wouldn’t be writing about the Sandusky scandal or anything related to it anymore unless it was real news and not just the whining of a bunch of high school girls about who’s going to the prom with whom and we don’t like the BoT and that kind of crapola. I meant it. However, I still have a need to rant. It is an outlet for me. Writing is therapeutic, and vitriolic writing is purgative. So, please allow me to purge. You have no choice.

Trite expressions will be highlighted through use of Italics. Their use is strictly for comedic effect. Accuse me otherwise, and I’ll deny any unwitting excursion into such hackneyed bullshit phrases.

The 2013 Campaign Ahead

Now, on to the season ahead. (What a següe!) What follows represents this turkey’s best take on the 2013 Nittany Lions’ football season, which at this point is veiled in mysteriosity and replete with athleticism, whatever the hell that means.

After surprising everybody (another vacuous and worn-out cliché) last year with an 8-4 record and a thrilling overtime victory over Wisconsin to end a going-nowhere season with a bang, the Nittany Lions return under the continued dark cloud of the NCAA sanctions, but without the strong feelings sparked by last year’s fresh wounds. At this point, that’s old news for everyone except the whiners who remain in denial. Now, the team, adeptly coached by the fiery Bill O’Brien, must find a way to rise above itself once again, but absent the passionate senior leadership of Mike Mauti, Matt McGloin, and Mike Zordich, that will be hard.

We fans tend to be sanguine at this stage of the season. We’re also demanding. An 8-4 record last year after a slow start can only mean one thing: we’ll do better this year. To paraphrase BWI publisher Phil Grosz (who has yet to offer his usual pie-in-the-sky prediction this year), anything less than a 9-3 record from this team is unacceptable. I’m speaking the fans’ mind, not reality. I’ll reveal below what I think is realistic, and I don’t think it will be even close to 9-3.

Why? Penn State is replete with talent at all positions and it has a quarterback who just might be the best in the country, now that he is assured of not being coached by one or more Paternos. To view that last statement in a more positive light, Christian Hackenberg will be coached by Bill O’Brien, the guy who coached Tom Brady in the pros. That’s another leap of faith that Phil might take, but with which you and this turkey will instantly find flawed. A kid coming right out of high school is not Tom Brady, with four years at Michigan (two as a starter) and nine years at the Patriots (seven as a starter) by the time he ran into O’Brien. Hackenberg will undoubtedly be good and he has an excellent bunch of receivers to work with  — if, in fact, he plays. Many writers are putting the whole team on his back, though, and that’s a lot to ask of a kid his age.

I haven’t mentioned Tyler Ferguson. As I’ve alluded above, O’Brien still hasn’t favored us with a decision on who will start at quarterback. By all accounts from so-called insiders, Ferguson’s performance in training camp had him on the inside track in the competition for starter. O’Brien has stated that both guys will play this season, whatever that means. Both are solid quarterbacks, but both are untested in real combat. I kind of like the drama that is unfolding here. If we have to wait until the boys run out onto the field at MetLife to see who takes the first snap, I’ll be thrilled.

Quarterback battle notwithstanding — and I’ll admit that the attendant drama is one great way to whip up the troops to an emotional and cohesive frenzy — it will be difficult to match the passion that drove the team through last year. It was the grit and determination of guys like McGloin, Mauti, and Zordich who kept spirits elevated through the adversity of the pre-season bailouts of Redd, Fera, Brown, etc., and then again through the early losses to Ohio and Virginia. That leadership doesn’t yet exist this year. Hackenberg is said to be cut in the same mold, though, and the big questions are whether he will step forward to take the reins and will the older guys on the team accept his leadership. This is probably the strongest reason for some pundits to say, “as Hackenberg goes, so goes the season.”

In an earlier post, I gave my turkish overview of the team without knowing what the final depth chart will reveal. I restricted my commentary to a pretty good collection of potential starters. If we could count on those guys to play 60 minutes a game from next Saturday through the end of the season, a Phil Grosz fairy dust season could be in reach. You and I know that there is little depth available on this squad — and that’s going to get worse instead of better in subsequent seasons because of the scholarship reduction at the behest of the NCAA’s draconian sanctions. Youth, inexperience, and mediocrity will conspire to lose football games — and that’s the reality of the situation Penn State is in. The second halves of games will be rough sledding, let alone the latter part of the season.

Does the B1G still suck?

Another issue we have to consider is whether the Big Ten really sucks as bad as it has been sucking. Fortunately for the conference (and unfortunately for Penn State’s won/loss record), I believe that the league is on the comeback trail. Michigan and Ohio State (aka “the big two”) are loaded with talent and have recruited very well. Scout.com places Ohio State sixth and Michigan twelfth in their recruiting rankings. Wisconsin might have lost Montee Ball and Coach Bret Bielema, but they’ll be back up at the top of the conference, as usual. Nebraska won’t be far behind, either. Cornhusker QB Taylor Martinez is among the best in the Big Ten. Even Northwestern, albeit not on the PSU schedule this year but astutely coached by Pat Fitzgerald, actually won a bowl game last year after producing double-digit wins. To this turkey, it sure looks like the Big Ten is on the upswing.

Breaking Down the Season

So, armed with opinions straight out of the turkey hole, let’s take a look at the season ahead.

Syracuse. Playing this one on neutral turf benefits whom, exactly? Syracuse is a state university of New York, while Penn State has 50,000 alumni in the New York metropolitan area. The game will be played in MetLife Stadium in Hackensack Meadows, NJ. Both teams stand a chance of being overcome by the noxious air wafting over from the Port of Elizabeth. That’s why they call it neutral turf, not because the grass’ pH is neutral. It ain’t. Acid rain has driven the pH of the turf down to about 2.5. Just ask the Giants, who had to switch from metal to nylon cleats because the former kept dissolving at embarrassing moments like cut-backs on runs, and furthermore, the players had to take frequent decontamination showers. But I digress.

People seem to be giving Syracuse a lot of respect this year. I guess they should, coming off an 8-5 season, including a 38-14 bowl victory over former Eastern Independent rival (back in the day) West Virginia. Syracuse is in the ACC now, and West Virginia is in the Big 12, which I think has ten teams at the moment, while the Big Ten has twelve and so does the Pac-12. Confused? Yeah, so am I, which is why I’m still not sure about who will win this game, acidic turf or not. Therefore, I’m going to waffle on the predicted result for now and do a “what if” in the synopsis far down below.

Eastern Michigan. What I call the “Brick Dick” game, due to a conspicuous feature on the EMU campus. (See picture here.) With a demoralizing 2-10 season behind them last year, the Eagles will dig themselves yet another hole into which to hide their phallic mascot this year. I think that unless the Syracuse game is a completely devastating Orange crush, this win is assured.

UCF. Faith and begorrah, laddies and lassies. This one will be a barn burner, a year prior to the same game being played on pH neutral turf in Dublin. The connection to Ireland is obvious: two head coaches named O’Leary and O’Brien. (This game is kicking off at six O’Clock, but that doesn’t count as Irish, already). UCF had double-digit wins including a bowl victory last year and O’Brien’s former boss knows how to coach football, even if he is known to incorporate fatuous misrepresentations into his resume. The Knights’ losses were respectable: Ohio State, Missouri, and Tulsa (twice). Now they’re playing in what many still think of as the Big East, but is now the American Athletic (or is that the American Athleticism) Conference, which is the remnants of the Big East after several departures. (They wisely chose not to include a number in their moniker). Penn State is one of their signature opponents this season, so you can bet that George O will have them pumped and ready. Meanwhile, having once worked for him, BoB knows a lot of O’Leary’s tricks, so it’s on! I think that this is the first meeting of these two teams in which UCF has an excellent chance of winning. Disclaimer: I worked at UCF, I was awarded a degree by UCF, and I live 15 miles from UCF, but that doesn’t make me a UCF homey. I’ll always bleed blue and white (and red, even). However, I’ll reserve judgment on the prediction for this one  for the time being. More later.

Kent State. You know, this ain’t the Kent State of old. They wound up 11-3 last year, including a bowl loss to Arkansas State. Sure, they didn’t play anybody, but they beat Ohio, which is more than one can say for Penn State. Used to be that playing a MAC team was an automatic win. That’s not the case anymore. After playing three games, we’ll know whether there’s any leadership worth a damn on the Nittany Lions and we’ll start to see how injury replacements function. If either of those significant components are compromised, this game could be lost. No, I’m not kidding. A lot depends on how new quarterbacks and restructured offensive lines perform — on both teams. It’s a home game for the Lions, which means a touchdown, in this turkey’s humble opinion. However, since I consider this another pivotal game, I’m deferring my decision about its victor to the final synopsis, which I’ll deliver when the smoke clears and all is said and done (at the end of the day).

@ Indiana. Not the Big Ten pushover of years past but close to it, with a 4-8 record last year. This will be played in Bloomington, in front of a crowd of about 853. Unless Penn State has some serious morale problems after being surprised out of their jocks by some shocking early season losses, this one should go to the Lions.

Michigan. Oy, vey! This is a Homecoming game, already? I think my friend RD will go into this one smugly expecting something like last year’s Wisconsin game, but this year he’ll be wrong. Way wrong. Michigan is loaded, even with Denard Robinson now leaving his shoes untied for the Jacksonville Jags this year. (Do you know that they have Robinson’s position listed in the roster as “OW”? That stands for Offensive Weapon. The Jags sure as hell need offensive weaponry, already! But I digress.) I see a distinct home loss on the horizon here, with a road game against the Buckeyes ahead on the schedule.

@ Ohio State. These are the times that try men’s souls. Braxton Miller and the gang of Anointed Ones will hand the Lions a defeat in the Horseshoe. No question in my mind about this one. Even a week off is not enough to salve the wounds that will have been suffered against the Wolverines. The Buckeyes might take pity on the Lions and actually waive the charges on the autographed jerseys they’ll give them, although there might be a barter deal for the “God’s Gift” tattoo that Andrew Quarless had removed from his triceps area when he went to Green Bay.

Illinois. Hahahahhahahhahahahha. LOLOLOL. LMAO. 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 This is as close to a Division II opponent as PSU will face this year. LOL. The schmucks tried to raid our team when the NCAA declared it a free-for-all. Karma, baby! Karma! 😛 😛 😛

@ Minnesota. Well, give the Golden Gophers a little respect, willya? Last year they did beat Purdue and Illinois, both of which sucked. They also beat our kickoff opponent, Syracuse, which does not suck. But suckage being what it is, Minnesota is a mediocre team that a new stadium didn’t seem to help much. Maybe if the old Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome roof had collapsed under the weight of the snow just one more time — while the Gophers were on the field — it would have helped. Count this as a road win for Penn State.

Purdue. Another dregs of the Big Ten season ahead for the Boilermakers. Are you reading this, Larry Cottrell, retired from UCF and living somewhere up there back home in Indiana? The Boilermakers suuuuck! Posting a solid (?) 6-7 record last year, including minimum bowl eligibility so they could get the shit kicked out of them by the Oklahoma State Cowboys 58-14, the Boilermakers notched wins over such superpowers as Eastern Kentucky, BDU (Brick Dick University), Marshall, EFU (Epic Fail University, aka Iowa), The Illinois Laughingstock, and in-state rival Indiana. Can you see Purdue actually winning in Beaver Stadium? I sure as hell can’t.

Nebraska. Taylor Martinez will embarrass Penn State at the Beave. Just because Georgia beat them 45-31 in the Capital One bowl after the Huskers had received a 70-31 pummeling by the Badgers in the Big Ten Championship game, and just because they beat Iowa by only six points doesn’t mean they’re not going to come back and kick some Lion ass. They will. Count on it. They have a sucky-soft schedule this year, and Pellini will know how to use it to their advantage. Mark my words, RD and other sanguinarians!

@ Wisconsin. At Camp Randall this year. New coach. Lots of good things to be said in Penn State’s favor. But it’s going to be a tough one to win for the Nittany Lions. Yeah, Montee Ball has gone to the NFL, but Wisky (as some PSU homeys like to call them) will have a few decent replacement speedsters, as usual (with a lot of sheer athleticism), to run behind a punishingly behemoth offensive line. Yeah, I said that last year and then the “bunch of fuckers” went and beat them, but this year’s cooler emotions, hostile venue, and lack of depth, coupled with the Badgers’ vengeance will put this one in the loss column.

In the Final Analysis…

Sooooooooooo, with all that having been said, how about a season prediction, Turkey? Huh? Huh?

Yeah, you know it seems to this turkey that other “pundits” are having a rough time calling this season. So am I. Obviously, we’re still dealing with “projected depth charts”, for one thing, and we don’t have much to say for certain, other than that either Hackenberg or Ferguson will have a bunch of hotshot tight ends and one potential All-America receiver to throw the ball to. The rushing defense will probably be solid — until the lack of depth causes problems, which might be seen in second halves of games as well as throughout the end of the season. The driving forces and mental athleticism of McGloin, Mauti, and Zordich are gone and we don’t yet know who will step into the leadership vacuum.

Some experts think the boys can win the first four game, but I think that might be stretching it. This turkey thinks that it boils down to two games that will determine the course of the rest of the season: Syracuse and UCF. We will see whether last year’s spirit can be duplicated, and we’ll start to see how deep the 2013 Nittany Lions really are. Absent good team leadership, this team could lose a lot of games this year. Losing either — or God forbid, both — of those lynchpin games could be the tipping point for the 2013 season.

 So, speaking out of both sides of my mouth, here are my ambiguously waffling projections. Lose the Syracuse game and they’ll be 5-7 or maybe, God forbid, 4-8 if they stumble against Kent State (shaddup! — you thought Ohio and Virginia were a lock last year). Win the Syracuse game, but lose the UCF game, and they’ll be 6-6, which would give them bowl eligibility if they were eligible for a bowl. Winning both, they’ll finish the season with a pretty decent 7-5 record. And dat’s what I t’ink!

*****

I’ll be back later in the week with a more in-depth and definitely more FOS prognostication for next Saturday’s (yay!) Syracuse game, which no one will have any idea about and I’ll join the crowd. I’ll break it down for you and offer some quick hitters. You will witness the return of the Perilously Platitudinous yet Penuriously Perfidious Official Turkey Poop Projection, which will make you laugh and cry. The season is upon us and the Turkey is full of shit, as usual!