The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Chris Bell Off Team for Good!

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In yet another of the series of incidents involving players whose names are becoming notorious for such shenanigans, Nittany Lion (or should I say ex-Nittany Lion) wide receiver Chris Bell pulled a knife on another student in Pollock Commons and is now in the Centre County jail.

Bell, if you care to remember, has been involved in lots of other shady incidents. At the time of the incident he had been suspended from the team because of that and because of his poor grades. ?????? ????? ???

This Turkey feels that based on this and other incidents, Bell should be voted Most Likely to Follow in Lavon Chisley’s Footsteps. ????? ???? ????? ??? ????

No great loss, though. He couldn’t catch, anyway. ????? ???????

The Athletic Department has as yet made no comments on this latest nonsensical incident.

See the story in the Daily Collegian.

Addendum: The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is reporting that Bell not only has been kicked off the team but also has been banned from the Penn State campus.

Morelli Heads for England

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OXFORD, UK, April 1, 2008—The NFL has been trying to crack the English market for quite some time now, but it is not under that aegis that former Penn State Nittany Lion quarterback Anthony Morelli soon will be packing his bags and setting sail for Jolly Olde England.

Rather unexpectedly, the Rhodes Trust has announced that Mr. Morelli will be the recipient of the vaunted Rhodes Scholarship. Morelli will matriculate into the Masters program in Parks and Recreation Management at Oxford in the fall.

As a Rhodes scholar, Morelli will enjoy access to Rhodes House, an early 20th Century mansion with numerous public rooms, gardens, a library, study areas, and other facilities. In honor of Morelli and his unique skills, Sir Cecil Rhodes, grandson of the programme’s founder, Cecil John Rhodes, agreed to hang a lorry tyre in the garden so as to keep young Anthony’s legendary arm in shape.

Only 32 such scholarships are available to U.S. students each year. Morelli is not the first athlete to have received this prestigious award, following in the footsteps of former New York Knickerbocker forward and U.S. Senator Bill Bradley and Los Angeles Rams quarterback Pat Haden.

The Turkey’s reporters attempted to interview Morelli; however, initially, calls to the Morelli residence were not returned. Later, Morelli picked up the phone, quite by accident.

“I don’t want to talk,” Morelli said, hastily hanging up the phone.

We finally found Greg Morelli, Anthony’s father, who explained his son’s brusque withdrawal.

“I haven’t let you guys talk to my son since the Michigan game. You gotta have that kind of skin,” the elder Morelli said. “I think maybe he’s frustrated with himself. I don’t think he’s frustrated with anything the coaches have done. He’s frustrated with the loss.”

When asked what the hell that had to do with the Rhodes Scholarship, Mr. Morelli responded, “Oxford needs a quarterback and Anthony doesn’t need to be dealing with your negative crap while he’s trying out for the position!”

“You can’t fumble the ball,” Greg Morelli droned on. “You gotta take care of the ball. He knows that, he’ll rectify that.”

The Turkey’s reporting staff left the Morelli house scratching their head feathers.

Morelli’s erstwhile head coach, Joe Paterno, responded to questions. “Huh? Morelli? The quarterback, you mean? He’s a good kid. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Morelli has booked passage on Cunard’s Queen Mary II, departing from New York, in July. He will be accompanied by his entourage, including bodyguard Lavon Chisley, who is out of prison on the work-release program while serving his sentence for murder. A gay time is expected to be had by all.

The scholarships are administered and awarded by the Rhodes Trust which was established in 1902 under the terms and conditions of the will of Cecil John Rhodes, and funded by his estate. Scholarships have been awarded to applicants annually since 1904 on the basis of academic achievement and strength of character. There have been over 7,000 Rhodes Scholars since the inception of the Trust. Over 4,000 are still living.

Spring Practice Roster Reveals Quasi-Surprises

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Let’s start out with the bad boys—those whose names made the papers and the trial dockets.

Among the missing are Chris Bell, Andrew Quarless, Phillip Taylor, Chris Baker, Navorro Bowman, and Knowledge Timmons. This might or might not mean that they’re off the team, as Joe has demonstrated in similar instances of the past. Willie Harriott, Tyrell Sales, and Anthony Scirrotto are on the spring roster, so being a linebacker or being in the short-staffed defensive secondary obviously helps.

There have been some number changes, too. Notable are Justin King’s #1 going to A.J. Wallace and #4 going to Knowledge Timmons, if he ever gets back on the team. It is presumed that he chose the number because of its representation of the Figure Four, a famous submission hold in professional wrestling.