Now we know why Sam Ficken has been off-target this season, and perhaps why he pulled up lame with a quadriceps injury.

Head Coach Bill O’Brien has been kicking him.

Damn! I knew there was something about O’Brien—you know, like the way he always used to yell at Tom Brady. But I figured it was just verbal abuse, not physical. My, my!

Obrien let it slip out in response to a question about Ficken’s quadriceps injury: “We’ve been monitoring that and not kicking him as much in practice.”

Wow! I’m glad they’re letting up on Ficken. If they kick him much more in practice, he won’t have any legs left at all. Unless, of course, they kick him in the ass.

Holy crap! Wonder what the NCAA will do now. Player abuse is certainly worthy of the death penalty. O’Brien can join Bobby Knight and Woody Hayes in the NCAA Hall of Shame while Mark Emmert vacates his five victories and exacts a $27 million fine on Penn States, which Rod Erickson will gladly accept, as well as establishing a fund for victims of kicker abuse everywhere. Former PSU field hockey and lacrosse star Karen Peetz, as always keeping a laser focus on the future of the university, the Commonwealth, and a potential run for governor if she can get a leave of absence from BNY Mellon, has taken a vote of the board of trustees, who have authorized Erickson to grovel at Mark Emmert’s feet to atone for the egregious offense committed by yet another self-serving and power-hungry football coach.

Wait—

Ohhhhhh, he meant that he wasn’t making Ficken practice as much! Aha!

Never mind.