The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Quick Hits for Another Leaderless Monday

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What the hell is a “quick hit”? Does that mean something like, “Ima hit yo’ ass wit dis, ya shit!”? I don’t know. It’s one of those vogue sportswriter things. I just thought I would use it here so I could bitch about it. What I mean is that I have a few quick stories for you.

First, our deposed legend, Joseph V. Paterno, is out of the hospital, released to Sue’s care. As you probably know, hip/pelvis fractures are quite dangerous for people of Joe’s age; however, he’s a tough old bird about to be 85 and he’ll surmount this just like he has surmounted much adversity in his life. Joe comes from an era in which we admired people who could handle tough breaks, unlike now, when everyone has a sense of entitlement and people for whom life isn’t going well are to be avoided, if not scorned. (Notice how I get the editorial in, even though the subject is Paterno’s hip?) He will be continuing rehabilitation at home, and will continue with his cancer treatments, which reportedly “take a lot out of him.” He has not lost his fighting spirit, though. Give ’em hell, Joe!

The next “quick hit” involves a hit that was too quick for Matt McGloin, as it knocked him ass over tin cups onto the concrete locker room floor, where he smashed his head and put his lights out. McGloin is now questionable for the Lions’ post-season consolation bowl. Like a true leader, McGloin took full responsibility for the fight, which involved several punches between him and Curtis Drake, and which he said lasted about 10 seconds before he hit the deck. He admits to having started it, but says he should have walked away, because as a quarterback, he’s held to a higher standard. Both McGloin and Drake are looking at some kind of discipline by acting interim temporary sort of head coach Tom Bradley. PSU Judicial Affairs is looking into the altercation and will involve Homeland Security if any terrorism is suspected. Come on, folks! It’s a simple fight between two testosteronically challenged dudes who went at it in the locker room — big deal! Back in the good old days, they’d go have a beer afterward and celebrate Drake’s winning haymaker — just a simple fight between a dude from West Philly and a dude from West Scranton. Oops, wait. We don’t want Drake having any beers yet, as he won’t be 21 until February 1. Stand down, Stephfon.

Now, this third “quick hit” is a real doozie. Our old friend and current ESPN analyst Craig James is seeking the Republican nomination for U.S. Senator from Texas. (It used to be that Senators were appointed by the governor of their respective state before the progressives got their way. It was better the old way, but hell, Rick Perry would have probably appointed James, anyhow. There I go editorializing in the context of a freaking “quick hit” again. Quick! Hit me! … thanks, i needed that…. But I digress.) Yeah, the good thing is that we won’t have to see or listen to James on ESPN anymore. He won’t be working there while he’s running for office, and he’s already missed the hefty assignment of the Beef O’Brady Bowl. This all, of course, is outweighed by the peril of Mr. James having an influence on public policy. OMG WTF. Read enough to make you sick on ESPN.com.

And our final “quick hit” is a bit of a hit about the snit Rob Bolden got into with so-called “minor legal issues.” The twit! Dimwit! He needs a quick hit upside da haid! Get this shit: he stole a damn bottle of Gatorade from a campus convenience store! Bradley had a fit, and Bolden to his doghouse he did admit, although Bradley said that it was a prank and Bolden had returned the bottle to the store lickety-split. As for playing time, Bolden will not sit, Bradley said. As McGloin might not be medically cleared or disciplinarically available to play the Second Annual TicketCity.com bowl, it now looks like Bolden is it. (OK, I quit!)

Time and Tide

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Penn State welcomes Alabama, its premier extra-conference opponent, tomorrow for what we hope is a spirited clash in Beaver Stadium. We also hope that the fans — all of them — behave themselves and put their most gracious foot forward for our esteemed opponents, just as they do for us. This is not always the case of late. This Turkey gets extremely pissed off when fans act like assholes and show no respect for our worthy opponents, win or lose. That is not the Penn State way.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, what we have to look forward to, I fear, is another lopsided game. Does it surprise you that I should say that? Nah, you know that this Turkey is perennially the harbinger of gloom and doom. So many Nittany Lions fans have been waiting for this game, presumably for some kind of validation, that I feel bad for them. Maybe I should paint a picture of sunshine and lollipops like some other pseudo-journalists? Nah, that’s not the Turkey’s style. The Turkey wants everybody to suck down a dose of reality, for a change.

Alabama is ranked #3 in the meaningless Week One AP poll, whereas Penn State is ranked #23. Have 23’s beat 3’s before? Damn straight they have. However, this is an occasion on which my gut feel is that Alabama, while perhaps not really #3, is that much better than Penn State.

I don’t think that the problems we saw last week against the Sycamores can possibly have been resolved by tomorrow. The most glaring and egregious is pass protection. Our boys could not handle the blitz. Perhaps having a big body in Stephfon “Outta Da Doghouse” Green in the backfield will help in blitz situations. Perhaps Stephfon wants to redeem himself in front of a national TV audience and let the NFL take notice. But is he PSU’s secret pass protection counter-measure? Me not think so. Having watched McGloin make a split-second decision that almost became a pick-six last week,  I cringe to think of how many turnovers the Tide defense will force on a couple of quarterbacks who will be pressured constantly.

The other big issue is special teams. Yeah, I know. Chaz Powell did a helluva job running one back 95 yards. Will Alabama give that up? Nope. Powell is no Darren Sproles. (Just thought I would throw that in to show you that I watched the NFL opener last night). But some decent returns notwithstanding, Penn State’s kicking and coverage ranked somewhere between moderately fecal and extremely shitty. Just offal!  Will Anthony “I Outta Da Doghouse Too” Fera be the solution on punts and kickoffs? Me not think so. They might go deeper, but the coverage will still be deficient and Alabama is that much better.

Field goals? Hah! Not only was Evan Lewis 0-2 in field goals last week, but also he missed an extra point with no great pressure from the defense. I mean, hell, high school girls make extra points. Sam Ficken, the rangy freshman from Valparaiso, Indiana, entered the ISU game in relief of Lewis and made the one extra point with which he was tasked. Could Ficken be our man this week? Fick! I hope so!

Now, what about the quarterback competition (aka quarterback controversy)? It appears that we will have approximately the same situation as last week. Rob Bolden will start, but that doesn’t mean that he is being given the nod as titular starting quarterback because *da da da TADAAAAAA* (a fanfare in Turkeyese) Matt McGloin will split duties under center with Bolden. Is this the way to generate offense against Alabama? Me not think so. Just as a guy establishes a rhythm, the other guy comes in at the behest of Joe or Jay Paterno, and he starts from scratch. Different timing with receivers, different snap count vocals for the linemen to acclimate to, and a different presence in the huddle. Oy, such a disruption for all concerned. How does anyone expect this to work?

The creampuff games are the ones in which to try this kind of crap out, but we have had only one such outing thus far, in which McGloin showed himself to be the better passer. (Bolden was not as bad as his stats look, given that there were a couple of abysmal drops by his receivers). Bolden was ready to leave PSU after last year’s embarrassment of being beat out for the starting job. Other than playing hardball in not letting Bolden out of his scholarship commitment, what did Paterno do to make him stay around for another year of uncertainty? Did Joe promise him that he’d skew this season’s competition in his favor, but McGloin unwittingly foiled the plan by looking good out there? That confident guy leading the team against Indiana State wasn’t the McGloin of Outback Bowl ignominy. Perhaps he’s gotten over big game jitters. Perhaps not. It’s not for us to decide, but the damn decision must be made. Joseph V. Paterno: Please shit or get off the pot!

Same goes for Nick Saban and the wayward Tide. Quarterback duties thus far have been split between A.J. McCarron and Phillip Sims. PSU will probably see much more of McCarron.

Alabama, by the way, has a kicker, junior Jeremy Shelley, who is dangerous. Why? Because he can actually kick! Not only field goals, but extra points, too! He was perfect last week. In a close game, which this one won’t be, we turn to the kicker for salvation. If they need it, they’ve got it in the experienced Shelley.

Methinks Penn State’s best plan on defense is to shut down the run and force the pass. Duh! Typically vacuous, out of context words of wisdom. Lots of us speak of doing that like we know what the hell we’re talking about. We generally don’t. One thing is for sure: this is not the Penn State defense we all know and love. That it is, is wishful thinking.  Ah, the memories! These guys are mere pretenders next to the likes of the defenses in the 80s and 90s. Good old Linebacker U! Let us hope that the Lions have a couple of standouts who rise above the mediocre, because they’re going to need them to avoid embarrassment. Mauti, Crawford, Astorino: can you hear me now? Go ahead and try to shut down the run. Perhaps you can find a chink in their armor. Then, we’ve got them where we want them, right? Me not think so. These guys will burn you with the pass.

(Remember, the crossing pattern splitting the seam of the PSU zone defense has been something that Nittany Lions defenses have had difficulty with for years and years. Sandusky, why the hell did you endow us with that damn zone and why hasn’t anyone on the defensive staff worked hard to bolster the coverage of such a reliable play?)

Speaking of embarrassment, Penn State receivers, please remember to catch the ball before you do anything fancy! This was another source of embarrassment last week against a lesser opponent, one from the FCS division, already. Moye was predicted to be All-Conference this season. Thus far, he has shown exactly bupkis. Penn State, by the way, is presently a solid 104th in the FBS in passing yards. The ranking numbers don’t get much higher than that. They’re truly rank! Will the incompetence persist this week? Turkey hope not. Disaster looms if the Lions cannot stretch the field.

I can say nothing but good things about Silas Redd. Watching his tweets, I get a feel that this kid is replete with work ethic and takes direction well. (Lovers of sports cliches would say, “He’s the real deal!” Apologies to Evander Holyfield.) Redd had one helluva game last week, assisted by the offensive line and the lead blocking of fullback Michael Zordich. Will he have a good week against Alabama? Me not think so. Not his fault, though. An inexperienced offensive line is poison against quality opposition.

This has been declared a “white house” game — everybody is exhorted to wear white in order to show our Penn State solidarity. Beaver Stadium is, of course, sold out, so it will be a spectacle to behold: a huge bowl of white with a small sliver of crimson in the north end zone corner.

The weather for the game will be clearing with a couple of thunderstorms and a high of 72. The big problem, though, is all the flooding that has happened in Pennsylvania. Traveling to this game will be a nightmare, as will be parking. The unpaved lots will probably be closed. However, with the crack grounds crew at Beaver Stadium being a cut above, you can expect the field to be in pretty, pretty, pretty good shape.

The game will not be pretty, though. I suspect that the turnover count will be lopsided in the Tide’s favor. And, in Frank Gifford’s words, as recounted ad nauseam by Howard Cosell, “Turnovers’ll kill ya.” So will penalties as the frustration mounts.

Well, I’m standing by for incoming rounds, but that’s the way I see it.

And now, as usual, it is time for the Official Turkey Poop Prediction for the PSU-Alabama game. The old gang — and  I do mean old — will be gathering at Mike’s Garage on Saturday to watch this one go down. As I write this, the ficken line on the game has the Crimson Tide favored by 10 and the over/under at 42. I’ve given you enough drivel already, so I won’t be long-winded about this. Penn State does not do it, even with the points. Alabama 35, Penn State 10. Take the over.

Stephfon Charged; Doghouse Hypocrisy?

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Now we know why Nittany Lions running back Stephfon Green got into Joe Paterno’s doghouse, and why the team voted unanimously to allow him to come back.

Stephfon Green
Stephfon Green

The Centre Daily Times reported Thursday morning that Green was  charged Tuesday with purchasing alcohol for minors.  The incident in question occurred back in mid-July.

From the paper’s website:

According to the state police’s Bureau of Liquor Control Enforcement, Green, 22, was seen by an officer taking money from two minors at the state liquor store on North Atherton Street on July 15. Police said Green bought liquor with the money and gave the minors the liquor. Charges of furnishing alcohol to minors were filed on Tuesday, police said.

The Allentown Morning Call reports that a preliminary hearing has been scheduled for Oct. 12.

So, naturally, the team voted to bring him back. How many of them (and us) have been in the same position as Green? If he was stupid enough to get caught doing it, he deserves to pay for the crime. At least that’s how I’ve always felt when being nailed for speeding or other transgressions of my youth.

Now, this Turkey is well aware that Joe Paterno is fair about not assuming guilt before the “alleged suspect” [redundancy deliberate — I saw this journalistic CYA abomination published in our local rag and had to use it somewhere] is adjudged guilty, but in some cases the facts are clearer than others. This was no Austin Scott he said/she said with a psycho babe pressing charges. This one was witnessed by a cop. Yet Paterno feels that Green should be on the team. Why? Because the team wants him back? I doubt it. It can only be that Joe is pulling out all stops in preparation for the big game with Alabama this weekend.

Yeah, Paternoesque hypocrisy is in full bloom this weekend. In many other seasons, Paterno could make himself look less single-minded by sitting offenders down for three or four weeks — given that only crap games are usually scheduled early these days. Alas, Alabama was scheduled for Week Two and Paterno wants to win. Thus, he cleaned out his infamous doghouse, exonerating those who had been ensconced there.

In addition to Green, the inmates who are now on work release for the Alabama game include punter/kicker-offer Anthony Fera who was nailed for underage drinking. (Hell, he might have been one of Green’s best customers for all I know). Cover corner Derrick Thomas, about whom blogger Bill Engel says Thomas spent his first two years chasing his own tail (which I think should have read “spent his first two years chasing tail”), is the third releasee.

Green can certainly help pick up the blitz on third down passing plays, a function that sucked big time last week against Indiana State, who made a simple adjustment on defense for which, like so many other, similar situations we’ve witnessed, Penn State had no answer. Clearly, this offensive line doesn’t have enough experience (to be kind) to handle a stunting, blitzing pass rush. Alabama will chew them up and spit them out. So, Green was an essential add-on, although he got pine splinters in his ass last weekend.

Fera is another obvious need. He’s not all that great a punter or kickoff man, but last week’s atrocities make him look like Lou Groza. (If you’re not old enough to know who Lou Groza is, then good for you. Figure it out.) I wonder whether he might be pressed into service for field goals, too, which will be excruciatingly important in a close game (if you expect this game to be close). Last week’s suckage extended to missed field goals, easy ones at that.

So, the next question is whether all will be forgiven after the Alabama game if it is not a win. Will these doghousians get to play Temple or Eastern Michigan?

I’ll be back soon with my most important post of the year, my preview of the great, big, hairy, old Alabama game. If I succeed in predicting this one, I’ll go into Temple overconfident. If I suck at predicting it, then the season is over. (Just kidding. I was mocking what some silly fans and pundits are saying about Penn State winning or losing this game.)