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Trouble in Brooklyn, A One-Act Play

Posted on December 12, 2008 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Scene I. Saturday. Kerryman’s Tavern.

[Inside a seedy Irish Bar, two rough and tumble Irishmen, Declan and Mark, sit at the bar discussin’ their disdain for the situation in Brooklyn with Mark’s son Paddy.]

Mark: I don’t like what’s goin’ on with the Big Wop. My son was suppose ta get a bigger piece of the action in Brooklyn.

Declan: Problem is, it’s all blood with them Italians. Giuseppe’s son is runnin’ Brooklyn and there’s no way to get through to Sonny about Paddy. He don’t listen to Paddy. He won’t listen to us.

Mark: Then we’ll see Don Giuseppe himself. We’ll tell him that Paddy will leave the Organization if he can’t get a bigger piece. We’ll give him a list of demands.

Bartender: You guys better watch your asses. Giuseppe doesn’t take kindly to outsiders telling him how to run his organization.You might wind up with that list shoved right up your kiesters while you take a proverbial celestial dirt nap.

Declan: The Big Wop isn’t so big anymore. He’s been in the hospital. He’s had surgery. His people are never happy with him. This must be the right time, before the Festival of St. Anthony. He’ll have lots of shit on his mind. He needs Paddy. He’ll recognize the folly of his ways. We’ll arrange a meeting. We’ll give him our list. We’ll threaten him that Paddy will leave the organization.

[The bartender crosses himself.]

Scene II. Monday. Don Giuseppe’s office in Brooklyn.

[Guiseppe sits at the huge, intimidating desk with Lieutenant Guido at his side. Declan, Mark, and Paddy are patted down by a couple of large men in silk suits, as they enter the office.]

Don Giuseppe: Guido, fix my guests a drink. There’s some Old Bushmill’s over there. I had it flown in from Ireland. Then please leave and close the door behind you.

Giuseppe [to the Irishmen]: Please sit down. Why do you come to see the Godfather?

Mark: It is about my son Paddy, Godfather. He works for Sonny. When he joined the organization, he was promised a major piece of Brooklyn. But Sonny chose the black guy. Now, Paddy must sit and wait. I’ve brought with me a list of issues we have with Sonny.

[Mark presents list to Don Giuseppe.]

Giuseppe: This is my son you speak of. You have issues with my son that cannot be addressed between him and Paddy, so the three of you come to my office. We talk about business here. Family is off the table. Your list means nothing. What do you have to say for yourself, Paddy?

Paddy: I was a star in my neighborhood. I came here to make the big time. I’m not gettin’ anywhere, Godfather. I want more of Brooklyn.

Giuseppe: My guests, the ways of this organization are time honored and immutable. You Micks know what immutable means? I didn’t t’ink so. It means things work the way they do, and you don’t question them. You know how many neighborhood stars we get here? They’re a dime a dozen. Nobody becomes a made man on prior reputation. Paddy will get his share of Brooklyn when he earns it.

Paddy: That’s not what I was hopin’ for. If you don’t fix it, I’ll leave.

Giuseppe: My young Irish friend, no one man is bigger than the organization. What I am saying is that they ain’t no “I” in “team.” Capisce? I now will make you an offer you cannot refuse. Listen to me carefully. If you work with Sonny and make him happy, it is possible that you could have a bigger piece of Brooklyn by 2010. In the meanwhile, you must do as you are told.

Paddy: Then I must leave the organization. I can’t wait that long.

Giuseppe: That is your decision to make. Once you leave, there is no return. Tell me, Paddy, do you wish to stay to participate in St. Anthony’s Festival? It is the biggest event of the year.

Paddy: [Looking at Mark] I’ll think about it and let you know.

Giuseppe: Then it is done. What you have learned in this organization must never leave. The principle of omerta applies. Do not divulge what you know or the consequences to you and your family will be severe.

[Enter Guido]

Giuseppe: Let everybody know that Paddy will be leaving the organization and that we wish him well. Show these people the door.

Guido: Si, Godfather!

[Guido and the three Irishmen leave. Don Giuseppe gets on the phone with wife Susanna.]

Giuseppe: The needs of business delay me, mi amore. I shall attend to them and return shortly. Please have Sonny call me.

[Later, phone rings.]

Giuseppi: My son, we have a problem. The little Mick is getting too big for his pants. He wants to leave the organization. But he knows too much. On Wednesday, you will handle this for me.

Sonny [on phone]: Yes, Godfather. I will handle it.

Giuseppi: There is one thing, my son. There is a list. It is a list of issues brought by the Irishmen. I will give it to you. Do what you must do to send a message to discourage this kind of thing.

[Hangs up.]

Scene III. Wednesday. A parking lot in Brooklyn.

Jay (I mean Sonny): Paddy, have you decided whether you wish to participate in the Festival of St. Anthony?

Paddy: I’m thinkin’ about it.

Sonny: The Godfather wishes your decision now.

Paddy: I said, I’m thinkin’ about it.

[Sonny opens the back door of a large, black Town Car limo and two big goons get out. Each grabs one of Paddy’s arms. Sonny proceeds to rip off Paddy’s pants and insert the rolled up list of issues rectally.]

Sonny [pushing Paddy into the back of the limo]: I have a message from my father. He says, “Enjoy your last ride.”

The rest is silence.

[Exeunt]

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Filed Under: Penn State Football Tagged With: dramatic license, Italian-American Defamation League, Joe Paterno, Pat Devlin, political correctness, thinly veiled sarcasm

JoePa Released

Posted on November 25, 2008 Written by The Nittany Turkey

(From the hospital.)

Two days post total hip arthroplasty surgery, Nittany Lion head coach Joe Paterno was released from Mount Nittany Medical center. In doing so, he beat this Turkey’s record by three full days.

(Well, the last day in the hospital was a gratuitous one, inasmuch as there was no bed available in the unnecessary rehab facility I thought I would need.)

Clearly, Joe is in extraordinary shape for a man going on 82, and those of you who were doomsaying can shut up now. That stubborn old coot will rehab well. I bet he progresses even better than his docs expect.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see Joe on the sideline for at least part of the Rose Bowl.

I am very happy for Coach Paterno, knowing that his pain is gone and he’s on the mend.

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Filed Under: Penn State Football Tagged With: can't keep an old fart down, crutches, Joe Paterno, total hip replacement, Wayne Sebastianelli

The Land Grant Trophy…and Much More

Posted on November 18, 2008 Written by The Nittany Turkey

The #8 Nittany Lions (10-1, 6-1 Big Ten) take on the #15 Michigan State Spartans (9-2, 6-1 Big Ten) for the vaunted Land Grant Trophy. However, for a change, this game means a whole helluva lot more, as a piece of the Big Ten championship and a trip to the Rose Bowl are at stake. If Penn State wins, a Rose Bowl bid is all but assured.

You all know by now that since joining the Big Ten, Penn State has never lost to Sparty in seven tries at Beaver Stadium. Aren’t such statistics wonderful, albeit meaningless? I could say that I haven’t missed the toilet once while taking a leak at 7:00 AM but what predictive value does that have about future target practice? There are lots of other variables at play, urologically speaking, so we won’t dwell on this singular, sterile, metaphorical statistic (unless you want to). Hell, this Turkey attended the last Beaver Stadium game where Moo U. ?????? ????? 888 beat Penn State, on September 25, 1965. The score was 23-0 and Bubba Smith, now 63, terrorized the Nittany Lion backfield for much of the game. What does that have to do with 2008? Nothing, but neither do those seven Penn State wins since 1990.

Point made? This particular “considered in a vacuum intangible” is pure bullshit.

Land Grant Trophy
Land Grant Trophy

Another manufactured “intangible” is both teams’ presumed blood thirst for possession of the Land Grant Trophy (pictured at left). I mean, look at that ugly mutha. Whoever heard of a trophy with bric-a-brac shelves? Do you think either university actually enjoys having that piece of shit in its trophy case without a sheet draped over it? Hell, if I were playing and my team were to win that scatographically hideous mélange of a mute testament to design by committee, I’d run the other way when it came time to carry the massive, mahogany mounted, misconceived monstrosity across the field. Yea, verily. I hate that junk.

Someone ought to blow it up as a Halloween prank one of these years and be done with it. So much for that “intangible,” but I digress. Sorry, I got carried away; it’s an annual, apoplectic phenomenon.

The compositions of both teams and their performances this year are the only reliable indicators of the outcome of this game, and still there are too many urological variables to assure us of a particular outcome either way. The biggest such variable—and the one least possible to predict—is the human factor. The weather has a bearing on the outcome, too, although this game, being the ill-conceived rivalry game the conference geniuses contrived, is perennially played as the final game of the season in late November, when the weather is always crappy in Western Pennsylvania and Eastern Michigan.

So, given that the emphasis of the Michigan State attack is on its supremely talented running back, Javon Ringer, ranked #3 nationally, and obviously, Penn State’s defensive emphasis will be on stopping him, it is instructive to break down the performance of the big D against Big Ten running backs this season. Here they are.

  • Illinois: #71 Daniel Dufrene, 14 carries, 96 yds, 0 TD, long carry 30
  • Purdue: #29 Kory Sheets, 18, 59, 1, 19
  • Wisconsin: #38 P.J. Hill, 15, 58, 0, 15
  • Michigan: Brandon Minor, 23, 117, 2, 36
  • OSU: Beanie Wells, 22, 55, 0, 8
  • Iowa: #2 Shonn Greene, 28, 117, 2, 14
  • Indiana: Marcus Thigpen, 8, 72, 1, 57

The only non-conference opponent worth mentioning is Oregon State, so let’s add them to the mix.

  • Oregon State: #9 Jacquizz Rodgers, 22, 99, 2, 13

In games in which their top running back was able to gain 96 yards or more, opponents scored an average of 19.7 points. In other games listed above, opponents scored an average of 6.5 points. Accordingly, with the Penn State offense sputtering, the task of shutting down Ringer is of paramount importance.

It is late in the season and an already depleted defensive line is banged up. The linebacker(s) need help. I mean, there really is only one guy I’d call a real linebacker, that being Navorro Bowman. Reports from practice have revealed that Mark Rubin is being drilled as effectively a fourth linebacker in hopes of beefing up the linebacking corps in its all-important quest to keep Ringer under control.

However, if Penn State wants to play eight in the box, Moo U. can beat them with the pass, so selling out to impede Ringer is not a key in itself. The defense has to be competent against the pass, too. Lead Moo-Cow and senior quarterback Brian Hoyer has been improving from game to game. This season thus far, he has completed 137 of 279 passes with 9 TDs and 6 interceptions. He’s been sacked 14 times. Certainly, applying pressure to Hoyer on passing downs is essential. In any case, I would not recommend the BBDB defense, better known here as the matador defense, that was employed against Iowa in the fourth quarter of that game. The soft zone sucks and you’ve heard it here over and over again. Nevertheless, the defense will have to contend with both run and pass situations. For those of you who think Moo U’s offense is one-dimensional, their average yardage per game is 147.82 rushing and 207.36 passing, ranking #64 and #65, respectively. Michigan State actually ranks #9 in rushing in the conference. One has to suppose that a strong reason for that has been the obsession with stopping Ringer. So, let’s see if that strategy is successful.

Here’s how Ringer has played. I’ll show opponents with national rushing defense rank, number of yards, and total MSU points in Big Ten and selected non-conference games. ????? ??? ??????

  • #39 California, 81, 31 (loss)
  • #57 Notre Dame, 201, 23 (win)
  • #92 Indiana, 198, 42 (win)
  • #18 Iowa, 91, 16 (win)
  • #44 Northwestern, 124, 37 (win)
  • #26 Ohio State, 67, 7 (loss)
  • #45 Michigan, 194, 35 (win)
  • #32 Wisconsin, 54, 25 (win)
  • #96 Purdue, 121, 21 (win)

In the above games where Ringer has run for over 100 yards, Moo U. scored an average of 31.6 points; when he was held under 100, they scored an average of 19.7 points. The rush defenses that were able to hold him under 100 yards were ranked nationally between 18 and 39. Penn State ranks #10.

Penn State’s pass efficiency defense ranks #2 nationally. This misleading statistic partially relates to the conservative overall nature of the Big Ten Conference. The only pass-happy team the Nittany Lions have faced was Purdue. The pass defense has not been tested against a competent pass-oriented offense. However, Michigan State does not rank with the cream of the crop there. If PSU does not get too obsessed with Ringer, they can minimize the Moo U. ???? ??????? damage.

The Nittany Lions will have to score enough points to win this one. The habit of not playing well in the first half must abate; as well, turnovers must cease. Clark’s two fumbles last week were particularly disconcerting. So, two significant keys will be playing four quarters and taking care of the ball.

Royster, as well, will be a key. The running game, derailed of late, has to get back on track. There have been some significant breakdowns in the interior offensive line that resulted in there being scant few holes to exploit for Royster, who ranks #22 in the nation and #3 in the conference behind Greene and Ringer. Fortunately, the Moo U. rushing defense is ranked #73. Royster should have his way with them.

The pass will be problematical, as Michigan State ranks #12 in pass efficiency defense. Clark hasn’t been throwing very accurately, so this Turkey’s guess is that pass plays, such as there are, will be mostly of the short, safe variety. Whether Clark has worked through his confidence issues and whether he has fully recovered from the concussion he suffered in the Ohio State game—both physically and mentally—is anyone’s guess. Clark certainly has shown signs of impaired decision making, along with his pass accuracy problems. Whether these issues are due to a late-season slump or the concussion are immaterial. Dantonio will no doubt want to test Clark’s ability to handle pressure. Still, Clark is the man, and I doubt that you’ll be seeing Devlin unless the game is well out of reach, one way or the other.

OK, I’ll present a few so-called intangibles for the hell of it, because I like you and I know you can’t live without them.

The Spartans have been relaxing with a bye week. Dantonio made it a vacation week for the players, prohibiting them from accessing the athletic facility during the off week. Sparty will be rested, healed, and ready. Presumably, their attitude will be good because they’ve seen a few movies last week, and they weren’t game films. So that’s an intangible in Moo U’s favor.

Whether the Nittany Lions are equally ready is problematical. Much is at stake in this game, but even more was at stake in Iowa, where the boys faltered miserably. However, this is where the Lions have a great, big intangible advantage: the home crowd. It’s the last game of the year, the Big Ten championship is on the line, it’s Senior Day, and the boys want to see “2008” added to the other championship years inscribed in the ring around the Beaver Stadium luxury boxes. If that doesn’t get a noisy, raucous crowd out, what the hell will?

Indeed, the kickoff is at 3:30 PM, not noon, so the hangovers will have had time to abate and new buzzes will have had enough time to kick in. There are no excuses for a lack of proper ambiance for this game.

The weather will be cold and breezy. We’ve seen some hands issues from the Iowa game forward, not coincidentally all cold weather games. It is this Turkey’s hope that we’ll see fewer dropped passes this week than we have been seeing the past couple of weeks. The weather, however, is an intangible that should affect both teams equally, unless someone hogs all the space heaters while the other guys forget to bring any, as was the case with the Iowa game.

One last intangible. Much has been made of the rumor that this will be Joe Paterno’s final game at Beaver Stadium. He has pooh-poohed that rumor, stonewalling it as usual, but he does admit that he needs a hip replacement and it most likely will happen soon after the Michigan State game. At the press conference today, Paterno stated that he wanted to coach the bowl game on the sidelines, not from the booth. Based on my own rehab track record, that certainly would be possible, as Joe is probably in better shape at 81 than I was at 54. Meanwhile, Joe’s wife, Sue, has been inviting family and friends from all over the country to attend this game. Lots of people are adding two and two, in this Turkey’s opinion, coming up with five. Nevertheless, with a strong, malodorous whiff of a possible Paterno retirement in the air, we have another strongly motivating intangible for the boys.

And so, boys and girls, that brings us to the feature you’ve been waiting for all season, the final Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the 2008 Penn State season! Last week, thanks to the offense forgetting to play the first half, Penn State did not cover the spread. This Turkey predicted a 47-10 outcome; it was actually 34-7. Not unlike my assessment of the crowd, if a game with such significant overtones does not arouse the footballistic passions of the Nittany Lions, they might as well all just visit the apartment of Evans, Koroma, and Quarless and pass a joint around. This is it. This is the season. It’s 48 minutes of basketball. Oops, I mean it’s 60 minutes of football, baby! Las Vegas has established Penn State as a two-touchdown favorite with no over/under at present, although one book opened at 48. That combination would suggest a final score of 31-17. With Ringer on the loose and Clark on the mend, but still a “maybe”, this Turkey thinks the spread is in jeopardy this week. But shit, I’ve been wrong all season. I hope it’s a Penn State blowout, but the OTPP is Penn State 27, Michigan State 24.

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Filed Under: Penn State Football Tagged With: Joe Paterno, Land Grant Trophy, Michigan State, Moo U., Nittany Lions, Penn State, rut roh, Spartans, this won't be Joe's last game, total hip replacement

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The Nittany Turkey is a retired techno-geek who thinks he knows something about Penn State football and everything else in the world. If there's a topic, we have an opinion on it, and you know what "they" say about opinions! Most of what is posted here involves a heavy dose of hip-shooting conjecture, but unlike some other blogs, we don't represent it as fact. Read More…

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