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Prayers to St. Joe Answered

Posted on October 13, 2013 Written by The Nittany Turkey

At Mike’s Garage, Artificially Sweetened’s prayers to St. Joe, patron saint of State College, were answered and a season was redeemed, as was a successor head coach who had just the previous week caused many to doubt his sanity. Well, he’s still crazy, but this week, balls won over brains. This win was just what the doctor ordered on so many levels.

The Penn State Nittany Lions (4-2, 1-1 B1G) outlasted the #18 Michigan Wolverines (5-1, 1-1 B1G) to hand them their first loss of the year in a four-overtime thriller. The final score was 43-40, on an upset Saturday that saw three ranked teams fall to underdogs.

For a while, it looked as if both teams were trying to give away the game — literally. Michigan committed three turnovers and Penn State, four. Both quarterbacks did their best to solidify their reputations for tossing the ball away. But in the end, the Lions seemed to want the win just a little bit more, and for them, ballsy coaching coupled with some clutch plays saved the season. Back-to-back conference losses would have been devastating.

Clearly, some leadership qualities have emerged on this team. Heads were hanging and bodies were exhausted after PSU blew a 21-10 halftime lead to a 24-point scoring binge by the Wolverines, able to answer with a puny 3-pointer. They seemed to wake up at 34-24. Courage and confidence conspired to commence the tying effort. A spectacular catch by Allen Robinson, who in Keyshawn Johnson fashion had been complaining that he wasn’t getting the damn ball, got the Lions to the two yard-line with 27 seconds on the clock in regulation time. Hackenberg “snuck” it in for the TD and Sam Ficken’s extra point tied it. Michigan still had life, but a 52-yard try by hapless Brendan Gibbons fell short of the mark to send the game into overtime, re-energizing the listless Lions.

It was almost a replay of the 2006 Orange Bowl in overtime, only more so. That one was three extra periods of who could screw up worse, but this one took four to resolve. All seemed lost when Ficken missed his 40 yard field goal attempt in the first OT. However, the aforementioned Gibbons had his own 40 yard try blocked. (Low kicking trajectories’ll kill ya.) Geno Lewis must have a 64″ vertical leap—did you see how high that sumbitch got? So then, in the second OT, conservatively coached Michigan managed to make a 25-yarder, and fortunately, Sam Ficken answered with his own 36-yarder. In the third OT, all seemed lost when “Gimme da damn ball” Allen Robinson fumbled on an end-around. Handing the ball to the enemy in OT usually spells disaster, but do da name Brendan Gibbons ring a bell? Yeah, another miss, this one from 33. It was then Michigan’s turn on offense for the fourth OT period.

Brady Hoke seemed to be playing strictly for field goals, an anal retentive game of attrition. He got what he played for, as his boy Brendan Gibbons came through with a 40-yard field goal. Penn State got the ball and looked like it was headed for disaster or a fifth overtime — anything but a win — when their drive stalled on the Michigan 16. Fourth and one. A Beaver Stadium crowd of 107,884 whited out fans all knew that Ficken was going to come out for better or worse, but one man in the stadium, standing on the Penn State sideline, had a different idea. His was the only one that mattered. He would risk losing the game going for it on fourth down. His players were out of gas; Hoke’s attrition strategy was in danger of working. Bill O’Brien put the game — and the season — on the line right there. Bill Belton made the conversion with a yard to spare.

The gods, assembled by St. Joe, were surely guiding the Nittany Lions at that point. After an incomplete pass and a short run, the officials actually called pass interference on Michigan in the end zone, paving the way for the final scoring play from the two yard-line, in which Bill Belton got a decent block from much maligned fullback Pat Zerbe, getting the edge and a clear shot at the end zone. At Mike’s Garage, we had to replay it for Artificially Sweetened, who could not watch it the first time.

So what do I have to say about the inept defense now? Great performance by Olaniyan, a Michigan lad. The secondary — not so great, but a decent pass rush takes some of the pressure off those dudes. Mike Hull, still not fixed up, played a good game. The predicted mismatches were there, but Gardner was rushed enough that they didn’t do the damage they could have. Funchess was pretty unstoppable, although he screwed up a couple of times, winding up with “only” two touchdowns and 112 yards on four receptions, while Gallon had seven catches for 95 yards and one TD. It could have been lots worse, had the pass rush not been there. Michigan had 389 total yards, one fewer than Penn State. Devin Gardner was 15-28 passing with three TDs and two INTs passing, and 24-121 yards rushing. So, no, not exactly great defense. Just good enough to outlast the Wolverines.

Meanwhile, Penn State’s performance included scoring the first rushing touchdown on Michigan thus far this year. Belton and Hackenberg each had a rushing touchdown. Belton wound up with 27 carries for 85 yards. Zach Zwinak was pulled after just eight carries for 24 yards, fumbling the ball away on his last try. Hackenberg’s passing performance was about on par with Gardner’s, 23-44 with three touchdowns and two interceptions. It was Felder minus Moseby who was getting the ball instead of GMTDB Robinson. Felder had six catches for 97 yards and two TDs, although Robinson was there when it counted, adding five receptions for 84 yards. Jesse James added six for 67 yards.

Both teams sucked at third down conversions. Michigan was 4-18 and PSU 3-16. Michigan never tried to convert a fourth down. Penn State tried three (including one early WTF??? moment that evoked deja vu memories of the Indiana game) and made two, one with the entire game on the line right then and there. Balls of brass.

Fewer people will be second-guessing O’Brien now, I bet. Funny what a big win can do to silence critics and turn the fan base around from negative to sanguiarialistic.

As for this Turkey, I am heartened by this victory, but not to the extent that I’m going to change my 6-6 prediction, which included winning one game that PSU wasn’t supposed to win and losing one that PSU wasn’t supposed to lose. Those are both now behind us, so I’m looking for it to go as predicted from this point. If they had lost this game, they might well have given up on the season. Sloppy game, but a most excellent win!

The large aggregation of potential recruits attending the game certainly witnessed an impressive display. Who wouldn’t want to play for a brass-balled coach who puts his faith in his players to pull off a magical fourth down conversion with everything on the line? Who wouldn’t?

Meanwhile, in downtown State College, the beer and whiskey flowed well into the night and the mobile puke vacuums were deployed in the wee hours so that the little Happy Valley town would look pristine for its Homecoming visitors once again.

Good show, boys!

Which way will the ball bounce?

Posted on October 9, 2013 Written by The Nittany Turkey

When #18 Michigan (5-0, 1-0 B1G) invades whited-out Beaver Stadium, which version of the Wolverines will the Nittany Lions see? Will it be the Victors who trounced Notre Dame 41-30 or the Schmucks who rested on the laurels of that win while they damn near got licked by the likes of Akron and UConn the following two weeks? At Penn State (3-2, 0-1 B1G), no one is really sure what to expect.

You can tell this will be an unpredictable, screwball game by all the head-scratching commentary you see in the media. As if this turkey didn’t go down in flames badly enough trying to predict the Indiana game last week, here’s another one for me to screw up!

Augmenting the projected mysteriousness of this game, O’Brien says he plans to use a broader range of players in this game, perhaps increasing the use of Akeel Lynch and Adam Breneman, “depending on how they do in practice from Monday to Thursday.” That’s good, although it probably doesn’t hit at the heart of the Penn State’s offensive problems, which include a rookie quarterback, a half-assed offensive line, and the lack of reliable fullback. We’ll also probably see plenty of the hurry-up “NASCAR” offense.

Penn State is in the middle of the FBS pack at #67 in rushing yards gained, which must turn northward before anyone can anticipate any significant degree of success at all in Big Ten conference play. B1G run defenses are just too good. Michigan ranks 9th overall in the FBS division and 4rd in the B1G in stopping the run, allowing a paltry 90.4 yards per game and NO rushing TDs. Beyond Michigan, PSU faces B1G defensive giants OSU (ranks 7th overall against the run) and Wisconsin (ranks 12th). In all, five B1G teams are in the top decile of the FBS in rushing defense, and PSU isn’t far behind at #20. However, you never know with this team. Indiana had a statistically crappy run defense (they rank #107), but they held PSU to lilliputian yardage. I’ll give the edge to Michigan against the PSU run.

Now, what about the pass, you ask? Well, hell, everybody has been putting their hopes behind the boy wonder, Christian Hackenberg, which is at once unrealistic and unfair. Here we’ll have a kid playing in front of a huge, homecoming crowd with lofty expectations of him, coming off a decent but erratic, freshmanlike performance against Nativeamericaniana. It doesn’t help that he has an unreliable offensive line in front of him. Fortunately, Michigan is averaging only two sacks per game, but we can expect to see Hacky hurried a lot, especially if linebacker Jake Ryan, who has been medically cleared to play, actually does take the field. Penn State has allowed 2.2 sacks per game against lesser defenses. Michigan also has the 20th ranked pass efficiency defense.

When Michigan has the ball, much ballyhooed dual-threat junior quarterback Devin Gardner has taken over the QB reins from “Shoelace” Denard X. Robinson, now playing for the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars and listed as an OW — Offensive Weapon. Gardner can get into turnover mode and is thus vulnerable if and only if Penn State’s vaunted DL can contain him. Let him out of the pocket and all hell breaks loose. Hurry him in the pocket and he throws interceptions. He’s thrown eight INTs thus far this season, equaling the number of TDs he’s thrown. However, when he’s on target, he has a 60% completion rate to his own guys; what’s worse is that he is a holy terror hoofing it in the open field. He’s had two 100+ yard rushing games this year and is averaging over 63 yards per game on the ground. He must be contained or the game can quickly get out of hand — and you know what happens with this team when that happens. Gardner is also a deep passing threat, and against PSU’s sucky secondary, that could also spell trouble. Just trying to put things in perspective here.

Everything has a Kevin Bacon/Nittany Turkey connection, and so it goes in the Big Blue passing game. Gardner’s big target (and I do mean big — 6’5″ 228) is sophomore tight end Devin Funchess, from Farmington Hills, Michigan, a town in which this turkey lived while managing a long-term consulting job in Detroit. Devin-to-Devin — what a concept! Funchess has 15 receptions for 296 yards and two touchdowns this year, averaging 19.7 yards per game. The other half of the major pass receiving duo is senior wide receiver Jeremy Gallon, with 24 receptions for 367 yards and four TDs. Gallon is actually a 5’8″ half-pint who was a scholastic star in my neighboring town of Apopka, FL, from whence many fine football players including All-Pro Warren Sapp emanated. These two receivers have accounted for well over half of Michigan’s passing output for 2013 and all but two of the passing touchdowns.

Aside from Gardner, the feature back responsible for a major share of Michigan’s rushing yards is senior Fitzgerald Toussant, with 397 yards on 96 carries and 7 touchdowns. His big game was against the nonexistent defense of UConn, where he had 120 yards and two TDs.

Motivate ’em

As we’ve discussed before, absent internal leadership within the team, the chores of keeping morale high and motivating players to perform up to their ability (not 110% :)) falls back to O’Brien and his staff. Once I visited Manchester United game, and that was quite a game in terms of internal leadership. If you are wondering where to buy Man U tickets, check out some internet resources. At his presser, O’Brien said that the team’s confidence wasn’t shaken. We’ll see. In the aftermath of a big loss to Indiana, the psychological conditioning angle is on the front burner for this turkey. We noted the very obvious negative body language — particularly on the defense — in the second half of the Indiana game, especially after IU scored 21 straight points. These guys have to snap back from that and play four quarters this week or they’ll get blown out again. I can’t say it any plainer than that.

Turnovers’ll — aw, never mind!

Yeah, though, let’s talk about turnover prone Devin Gardner versus turnover prone Christian Hackenberg. Well, let’s broaden it out to team versus team. Penn State has lost the ball nine times this year while Michigan has barfed it to the opposition twelve times. However, Michigan has gotten the ball on turnover nine times, while Penn State has done so only six times. They’re both equally sucky in net turnover ratio.

Da Wedder

The weekend weather looks a-ight, and should be no great influence on the game’s outcome. Our Nittany Turkey weatherman calls for claaady (which is how it’s pronounced in dahntahn Pittsburgh) with a high around 63°F/17ºC.

Intangibles

O’Brien went all St. Joe at the press conference, getting crotchety with the media guys about their continuing need to harp on the Indiana loss. I think the loss really got to him.

The main thing is that, as I mentioned above, the team stays motivated and plays up to their ability. They have nothing to play for but their pride, but that’s a myopic view. What they have to play for is providing an incentive for recruits to consider Penn State. The sanctions are enough of a great big major huge humongous impediment to recruiting without the team sucking completely, looking like a latter day Indiana. (Funny how the worm turns.) Motivation, motivation, motivation! It starts and ends with O’Brien.

The projected sellout crowd of 108,000 in full stadium whiteout mode is certainly an incentive to excel. It can also be a daunting experience for the rookies. But it’ll be noisy and Michigan’s offense will be discombobulated by the hyperpartisan atmosphere, as usual.

Who’s Who from Big Blue?

Today’s featured opponent alumnus was the 38th President of the United States, Gerald R. “Jerry” Ford, Jr., who became president upon the resignation of Richard M. Nixon in 1974 and served until Inauguration Day 1977. He was narrowly defeated in the 1976 election by Jimmy Carter. He was appointed by Nixon as Vice President in the aftermath of the disgraced Spiro Agnew’s resignation in 1973. Before serving as V.P., Ford served in the U.S. House of Representatives for 25 years, eight of them as the Republican Minority Leader. Jerry lived to the ripe old age of 93, and remains the longest living U.S. president.

Ford played center and linebacker for the Wolverines, back in the days of 60-minute men. He’s became only future U.S. president to have ever tackled a future Heisman Trophy winner when he tackled Jay Berwanger in a game against the University of Chicago. The University of Michigan retired Jerry’s jersey #48 in 1994, but with the consent of the Ford family it was restored to active use in 2012 and is now worn by junior linebacker Desmond Morgan, who in his last outing had six solo tackles and four assists against Minnesota.

Ooga Booga

I briefly had the idea that I could rap out the Official Turkey Poop Prediction, but I’ve thought better of it. I’m not very good at hip-hop rhyming. Perhaps one of my six readers can teach me how to do it. But this game is pretty ooga booga in that this turkey is not getting a very clear picture in his crystal ball, which developed some cracks around last week this time.

How am I doing thus far this season? Funny you should ask, because I’m going to tell you. The damn bloom is off the rose. I’m 4-1 straight up, 4-1 against the spread, and 4-1 on the over/under. That wouldn’t be bad for ordinary humans, but this is the Nittany Turkey we’re talking about here. You and I expect better from this foul old fowl.

Looking west toward Sin City, the gamblers have thrown enough money around to establish a trend, favoring Michigan by three at the moment, with an over/under of 51. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, this works out to a 27-24 expected Michigan win.

But there’s so much ooga booga (read “ifs”) going on with this game that I don’t know whether expectations mean anything. I think anything goes here. Which Michigan team will show up here? The one that put 41 on ND or the one that could muster only 24 against UConn. Which Penn State team will show up here? I can’t really ask that because there are many more variations than could be described — it is a team still trying to find itself. However, it has a vulnerable defense, and defense is what is needed in the Big Ten to achieve success. Michigan has allowed only 19.4 points per game and they seem to be able to outlast opponents even when things look bad at the end, like with Akron and UConn. Besides, they have the Little Brown Jug and they know how to use it. Michigan 37, Penn State 17. Take the over.

Can we keep this thing going?

Posted on November 1, 2010 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Saturday night was a godsend to those of us who had already declared that the 2010 season had gone to hell in a hand basket. The Nittany Lions’ 41-31 win over perennial nemesis Michigan was a big feeling game with few significant implications to the casual observer, but we serious Penn State fans know that it provided substantive relief from the stigma of a lost season with a losing record while providing Evan Royster with the perfect vehicle for eclipsing Curt Warner’s all-time leading rushing record. Thus, high points abounded and there were virtually no negatives. It was a walk in the park, a night at the opera, a roll in the hay — all bound together in one neat little no-defense package.

Our original viewing venue was to have been The Cave, but since this Turkey had contracted a case of CroV (Cafeteria roenbergensis virus), Jackstand volunteered to perform hosting duties at Mike’s Garage. In one of two areas in which men use measurement devices to compare attributes with one another, Jackstand (aka Mike) has a 15 inch advantage over this Turkey. Show me a man who does not exhibit pride in his screen measurement and I’ll show you half a man. I still like my 50-incher, but I digress. Artificially Sweetened had carved a Pumpkin for the occasion and was looking forward to the game. So was I. After being cooped up sick for a few days, I needed to get out, too. Using visualization therapy involving mental vignettes of Penn State football coaching scenarios in important games, I strove for absolute sphincter reliability; adding a quick swig of Pepto-Bismol for good measure, AS and I climbed into the M3GEEZRmobile to descend upon Mike’s Garage.

The Penn State vs. Michigan game meant little to the Big Ten standings. Both teams are out of the championship picture. It meant nothing at all with respect to the SSMNC, as both teams now have three losses. It could have given Michigan a non-losing season guarantee and bowl eligibility, but it didn’t. Yea, verily, nothing much was on the line on Saturday night. Yet at University Park, it was given all the pomp and ceremony of “the” game.

Paternoville was erected on Monday of game week. Alas, this novelty must be getting a bit long in the tooth with the local purveyors of comestibles, inasmuch as by Friday the denizens were complaining of food shortages. A “Rally in the Valley” pep rally featuring members of the team and Joe Paterno was conducted on Friday night. Vendor and exhibit tents popped up along Curtin Road, where fans could enjoy face time and autographs from Penn State heroes of the past such as Jack Ham, Franco Harris, and Jordan Norwood. A student white-out was declared and many non-students seemed to have picked up on the white-out idea.

Given Michigan’s woes in the Rodriguez era, at season’s outset no one had envisioned that this contest would become the high point of the year. Most prognosticators automatically penciled in a “W”. However, as the 2010 campaign wore on, that “W” started looking shaky. With the embarrassment of a Homecoming loss to Illinois fresh in our minds and visions of Denard Robinson running 200+ yards invaded our partisan minds, many flip-flopped that no-brainer “W” into a pretty certain “L”. We PSU faithful began to look toward the Michigan encounter as the last remaining hope for the season. Aided and abetted by the 8 PM kickoff, the conditions were ripe for the carnival atmosphere surrounding Beaver Stadium. This was it. The big game. Do or die. The season was on the line.

It was a classic testosterone generator. By game time, Penn State was a 3.5 point underdog—in its own house. Not only did the gamblers favor Michigan but also normally friendly sports writers and bloggists including this Turkey were out there picking Michigan like a horde of journalistic rats abandoning Penn State’s sinking ship. Players and coaches were not deaf to these rumblings. Chests puffed out and pads were punched. Octogenarian head coach Joe Paterno’s voice hit notes an octave higher than usual. “Nobody beats us in our house!” A collection of fairly talented guys with no superstars and no semblance of leadership could finally band together in this common cause to escape the lethargy and ennui of a mediocre season. Here was a game worth playing. And so, they played.

“We’re doing a good job of making a lot of quarterbacks look pretty good.” —Rich Rodriguez

Everyone had expected a high scoring game, and they got what they wanted. Led by an unintended starter due to the concussion suffered by Rob Bolden in the Minnesota game, red-shirt sophomore quarterback Matt McGloin (17-28, 250, 1 TD) and the Nittany Lions came out ready for action, attacking Michigan’s deservedly much maligned defense from the first play of the game. McGloin’s passing was generally accurate and he spread the ball around, including even the fullback in the mix. Evan Royster was the cornerstone of the running game, with 150 yards on 29 carries. Royster finally broke out of his season slump and broke Curt Warner’s record at the same time. By the time the second half rolled around, Penn State had achieved a 28-10 advantage.

That meant it was time for the coaching Kegels to begin squeezing those butt cheeks. The Lions’ defense, a mediocre bunch, would be relied upon to keep the game out of reach while the offense would play low-risk ball. Michigan won the second half 21-13, but that was not good enough. As everyone figured, Denard Robinson was virtually unstoppable in the open field, rushing for 191 yards on 27 carries. Robinson also had a decent, though not spectacular, night passing (11-23, 190, 1 TD).

In my pre-game comments, I wrote that both defenses were sieves and the keys to the game for Penn State would be playing error free and controlling the football. I’ll be damned if that’s not what happened. The game had no turnovers on either side. Penn State incurred a single penalty, an unnecessary face mask on a touchdown play committed by defender Chaz Powell. Otherwise, there were few mistakes. Penn State controlled the ball for 37:29 minutes to Michigan’s 22:31. It would be hard not to win given those parameters.

Penn State wound up with 28 first downs to Michigan’s 19, they were 10-16 on third down conversions and 2-2 on fourth downs, and they had few troubles scoring once in the red zone. It seemed as if we were watching a “whole nuther team” than we’d been seeing this year to date. The “Joe Must Go” contingent even agreed that the coaching was excellent. We even got one of those déjà vu things going with one of those fourth down conversions in the fourth quarter, which provided the most raucous audience participation moment of the evening at Mike’s Garage.

The clock had wound down to 3:44, and with Penn State stalled at fourth and four on the Michigan 22, the Wolverines called a time out. There was still plenty of time for our foes to score twice to either tie or win the game. In this situation, the reward for risking a field goal still would have been a two score game, albeit two touchdowns, but the downside of missing the 39-yarder would have been huge. With four yards to go, lining up the offense to go for fourth down would similarly risk giving up the ball to the Wolverines with decent field position and lots of time.

I guess Artificially Sweetened (see picture) had determined that the game was well in hand. Or maybe not. Whatever was the case, she was curled up on the couch next to me encased in a blanket and snoring softly. She had been sleeping for most of the fourth quarter.

Penn State came out and lined up for the field goal. What happened next woke me up. I wasn’t sleeping, but I was lulled into semi-catatonia by Sphincter Mode football and just expected another boring place kick. Wait! Collin Wagner has the ball and is running like a coyote with a lit Roman candle up his ass. I guess it woke up our friend zbeard, too, for suddenly, as Wagner approached the first down marker, he bellowed in his Western Pennsylvania yinzer twang at 90 dBA,

“All right!! Wagner!!! WooHoo!”

AS woke up with a start and a pissed off look on her face. I tell you, if looks could kill, this one would have done it. It didn’t last long, so zbeard probably does not even know that his life was close to being snuffed out. After the commotion died down, AS managed to get back to sleep, the need for which eclipsed the need for status updates on the game. It would turn out that she had contracted a milder case of CroV from me and was mustering resources in her pre-virus shedding debilitation.

We watched the end of the game, followed by the end of the Oregon-USC game, after which zbeard decided it was time to leave and once again the commotion woke AS up. “Did we win?” she asked.

We won. It was a good win, a satisfying one. What did it mean? Here are a few thoughts:

Joe Paterno got one game closer to the “magical” 400 win mark. He now stands at 399. While Paterno himself pooh-poohs the significance of 400 wins, many self-proclaimed experts think that this could be the year he retires if he gets to 400 and gets to play in a bowl game. He is too many wins away from John Gagliardi’s record of 476 to shoot for it, although he could still play another season and surpass Eddie Robinson’s 408, something I think he’s likely to try to do.
With five wins, one more win, which is almost assured, will give the team its bowl eligibility, although whichever bowl it is won’t be any great shakes. Still, bowl eligibility is a viable goal that many thought would be unreachable after the Illinois debacle.
Evan Royster has now cemented his position on the Stairs of Fame at the Student Bookstore.
With McGloin’s workmanlike performance in the Minnesota and Michigan games in the books, a quarterback controversy could be in the works.
Most significantly for the football purist, it meant that these guys could get together, could open it up in a big game to get on top early, and could play with enthusiasm. McGloin and Royster have a confidence builder as a cornerstone for the rest of the season, to the extent that it involves them

Let’s wake up from the euphoria for just a moment.

Even lowly Indiana has a better defense than Michigan’s. So, get those 1994 offensive juggernaut ideas out of your head, you who flip-flop and sway like a flag in the breeze. Let’s get realistic. The Nittany Lions’ offensive line looked great against Michigan. The running game worked. The passing game worked. Does that mean that all of our season’s woes have ended?

Not hardly.

But at least now there’s some hope.

We’ll be back later in the week with a look ahead to the Northwestern game.

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Prayers to St. Joe Answered

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