The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Day Ten: Ten Cent Tour of D.C.

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This is the eleventh installment of our summer road trip travelogue, featuring Artificially Sweetened (AS), her daughter, Cupcake, and me, the Nittany Turkey.

My pre-season prognostication having been written and put to bed, I now have no excuses to delay this installment of the travelogue any longer. So, awayyyyyyyyyy we go!

This would be our Washington, D.C. day. At the appointed early morning hour and against the feeble protests of AS, I gathered my stuff together for departure. When I exited the guest facility to go to the bathroom, I was surprised to see Cupcake in the final stages of doing the same. Occasionally, she can be surprisingly sweet and self-reliant; I was happy to see that this was one of those times. So was AS.

I left AS upstairs to gather her stuff as I brought mine downstairs. Toejam and Judy were, of course, already up. Even in retirement, they maintain a first shift coal miner’s schedule.

Toejam and I were discussing my route. He prefaced his comments with, “I know you won’t listen to me, but…” Actually, I wound up listening to him. His idea of taking US 15 down to the Baltimore Beltway turned out to be perfect. I was surprised that my GPS software chose that same routing. But I’m getting ahead of unfolding events.

The plan was to hustle down to suburban Virginia and take the Metro into our nation’s capital, where we could do some sightseeing for a few hours. My hope was that we could avoid rush hours and after the sightseeing, hit the road reasonably early. Rocky Mount, North Carolina, where we would spend the night, would still be a long drive from the capital area.

On Our Way

We said our goodbyes to the Tams after loading the Siena. We will be seeing them again when they pay us a winter visit in January or February. Who knows? We might even see them sooner, if we decided to go to the homecoming game at Penn State this fall.

Over the hill and past Robert Shewokis’ fuel oil tanks we went and we were on our way out of the Skook. Most of the morning proceeded uneventfully, until it was time for lunch. By that time, we were approaching the Baltimore Beltway.

At Cracker Barrel
At Cracker Barrel

“What do you girls feel like for lunch?” I asked.

“Cracker Barrel is a chain, but it’s good enough,” responded AS.

“Ew!” I croaked.

“Cracker Barrel is good!” asserted Cupcake.

“Cracker Barrel is an old lady restaurant!” I protested.

“You’re mean!”

Yes, I am.

But my protests were too feeble. Somehow, we managed to decide on Cracker Barrel. It was 2-1. It just so happened that there was a Cracker Barrel about 15 minutes away, right off a beltway exit in Frederick, Maryland. So, that’s where we went.

Cupcake ordered bacon and eggs, as she wanted breakfast. AS and I had lunch, a reuben for AS and a hamburger for me.

Hostess Trainee
Hostess Trainee

Well, the food turned out to be acceptable, while the service was diner quality without the friendliness. The waitress dumped a steak fry in my lap when she delivered my burger, and didn’t even notice. Nevertheless, I was amused by the fireplug shaped midget hostess apprentice, who looked like she didn’t quite know why she was there. Her function seemed to be to shadow the “real” hostess, whom I nicknamed “mama.” The little one looked like Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson proceeding to her next event when she tailed a party being seated; when “mama” finally gave her a party of her own to seat, presumably because two parties showed up at the door simultaneously, she perked up and returned from her initial mission all smiles, hands on hips, and generally proud of her consummate achievement. It was way cool. Of course, Cupcake was on my case about my obsession with waitresses and hostesses; that made it even more fun. But I digress.

Having finished what turned out to be a redeeming lunch that will actually bring me back to Cracker Barrel someday when I’m desperate enough on the road, we exited via the Cracker Barrel country store. Well, we took a while to exit. Being the consummate shoppers, we had to look at everything in the store. Finally, I advised the ladies that we had work to do, for there was a Geocache search awaiting us outside.

Off Your Rocker
Off Your Rocker

A nationwide series of Geocaches called “Off Your Rocker” sprang up at Cracker Barrel stores. In case you’ve never seen a Cracker Barrel store, they all have a porch with a couple dozen rocking chairs and antique stuff. You can just sit there as long as you wish, or buy a rocking chair if you want. Or you can hunt for the ubiquitous “Off Your Rocker” cache in front of all the rockers, which requires stealth and cunning to avoid detection, scorn, or ridicule. ???? bingo

We found the cache after a brief search. I say “we”, but AS actually made the grab. Nothing new about that. As for “muggles” (a term borrowed from Harry Potter by Geocachers meaning uninitiated onlookers), there was only one group of four bikers on the porch. AS  was sorta right about lunch and she was right about the cache location.

After signing the log, we re-entered the Cracker Barrel and used the respective gender specific rest rooms for their intended purpose. Shortly, we were back on our way to D.C. [Read more…]

Paterno nominated for Presidential Medal of Freedom

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Nittany Lions head coach Joe Paterno has been nominated for the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States by U.S. Representative Glenn Thompson (R-PA, 5th), who sent President Barack Obama a letter with 17 additional signatures asking that Paterno be rewarded for his efforts serving his team, school and community.

Does Joe deserve it?

This Turkey thinks so. He has touched the lives of countless thousands of young men in a myriad ways, inspiring them to great heights on the field and in the classroom while guiding them in their maturation as responsible and productive adults. He has donated millions of dollars of his own money to bolster the Penn State library, while raising literally billions in support for the Penn State endowment and the athletic program through the years.

But will he get it?

This Turkey thinks not. It would be nice to think that President Obama would transcend politics to do the right thing, but in this case what he’ll probably do is find a good excuse to give the medal to someone else, laying out a very well constructed rationalization that makes the whole thing seem perfectly legitimate. Why would he want to deny Joe? Simple politics. Paterno is a Republican who not only stood in nomination of George H. W. Bush in New Orleans in 1988, but also has publicly expressed his displeasure with the directions of the Obama Administration. He was nominated for the Presidential Medal of Freedom by a Republican congressman. The Obama White House, although paying lip service to the desire to reach across the aisle, has done little to convince us that this is anything but hypocritical posturing. Beside being of the wrong political persuasion and beside having been nominated by another Republican, Paterno’s selection might alienate voters in swing states like Ohio or Florida, merely because of football rivalries. Obama and crew (Axelrod, Plouffe, et. al.) know how to mind their political P’s and Q’s down to the last iota.

Still, there is hope. Although the nominations for the Presidential Medal of Freedom undoubtedly will be weighed and evaluated politically — because everything Obama does is a political maneuver — there can be some significant political benefit in naming the venerable coach the recipient. That Paterno is a Republican is well known, hence the award could be seen as “reaching across the aisle.” This Turkey is certain that this potential political exploitation will not be overlooked. Furthermore, Joe’s son and quarterbacks coach Jay Paterno is an active Obama supporter who campaigned vigorously for him in 2008. Although Pennsylvania typically votes Democrat, the unwritten rules of big-time politics mandate some form of quid pro quo. Finally, and by no means least significant, is that Joe flat out deserves the award, which has been won in the past by two of his contemporaries: Paul “Bear” Bryant and John Wooden.

There are multiple categories and, thus, multiple medals to be awarded in a given year. I cannot think of any reason why Paterno should not receive an award that most recently was given to Billie Jean King (2009, for political reasons that should be obvious to the keen observer). I would like to see him get it while he is still around to bask in its glow, unlike Bryant, who was honored posthumously. Therefore, I am hereby imploring my brother from another mother, my president who pledged to serve me even though I didn’t vote for him, my main man in DC, Barry Obama to do the right thing, not the safe thing or the politically expedient thing: Award Joe Paterno the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Dem Follies: Night 1, plus McCain Veepstakes

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I am the mouse who ate Xanax, the Nittany Turkey’s political alter ego, and I have a few opinions.

I’m certain that The Redhead can hardly wait to read my take on the first night of the Democrat love fest in Denver. I enjoyed watching the posturing and posing, so I’ll tell you what I think. Those of you who know me will probably think my response is predictable. Indeed, my bullshit detector was glowing bright red and spinning round and round last night, so no surprise.

Yeah, I know. This is supposed to be a football column. But I can’t help bashing Democrats from time to time. After all, this is my only outlet. All my friends are either in total agreement with me or are too liberal to want to talk about any of this, regarding me as hopeless and stone-headed as they do all conservative thinkers. Or even conservative non-thinkers. I’m a retard. I admit it. Anyhow, first I’ll give you a few glib comments about last night’s People’s Convention and then I’ll move on to some vacuous rambling about the Right Honorable John S. McCain’s potential running-mate. (Or not.)

And now, my observations from my comfortable (albeit sometimes violently turbulent) home under The Nittany Turkey’s sofa.

[Cue the ominous sounding music, with lots of cellos.]

I found the Communist Party Convention pretty typical, particularly on the hypocrisy front. They are up there posturing that they’re people “just like you” and they (and only they) can relate to the po’ folks, yet they featured Teddy Kennedy with enough footage of him piloting his yacht to convince even the gravest doubter that Kennedy is a wealthy, wealthy man. McCain might have seven houses, but how many million dollar yachts does he have? Hey, how many houses do the Kennedys have?

Then, we had Sister Michelle preaching that she loves America not because of what Barack has accomplished but because of what it is, which was such a thinly transparent attempt to mitigate her stump speech gaffe that it was laughable. Similarly, her gratuitous mention of Hillary Clinton appeared to be inserted in hopes of galvanizing the Hillary holdouts. It was again transparent and almost laughable in its incongruity. I don’t think it galvanized anyone. She also was coached to mention the troops, although not in the context of actually being useful for fighting wars, because they should be here at home just in case the South rises again.

Jimmy Carter and wife Rosalynn were introduced and hustled off the stage before prime time began. That figures. The Dems don’t want that association hanging around to give Republicans ideas.

The big theme of Evening #1 was Health Care is My Right! Yeah, right. The Dems think they have one there. Everybody needs it, so why not just promise it so they can get elected and hold it over our heads for the rest of our lives. Yeah, like that’s really going to work. (It might—there are a lot of idiots out there who don’t take the time to see how badly diluted the health care system is in Canada or how government makes life or death decisions over people in Oregon,* for that matter—no matter how distorted a picture they get from that wacko left-wing dipshit, Michael Moore.) If you think health care is in a bad way now, just let the government increase its stake in the industry. Medicare has damn near destroyed the health care industry; treating health care as a universal entitlement would be the final torpedo, if in fact it is not already too far gone. This has to be the biggest reason not to elect Democrats.

Tonight, we’ll have Hillary. I wonder how she’s going to mask her jealousy and personal ambition in the hope of coming off as a sincere Obama backer. Or will she even bother? That will be fun to watch. (For me, anyhow.) I’m going to be laughin’ my ass off. It will be Hillarious.

I think the Dems are beatable. They have not taken a very serious turn to the center, which they needed to do to ensure that this election goes their way. Obama aside, Pelosi and all the other speakers at the convention are painting a very liberal picture. Too liberal. They’re hanging way the hell out there on the lunatic left fringe, which was exacerbated, not assuaged, by Obama’s choice of Biden. (I don’t know if choice is an appropriate word. From what I’ve read, the Biden camp pulled out all stops to chase that “choice.”) That will lose them some votes, because the electorate is typically right of center. (Misguided, as a certain friend of mine would say.)

The do-nothing, self-serving, obstructionist, vacation taking Congress managed by Pelosi and Reid should further nudge voters away from that nefarious socialist axis. But I digress.

Unfortunately, a large percentage of the electorate is either stupid, lazy, or self-centered and underachieving, and THAT is the Dems best hope!

[Cue the light, optimistic, airy music.]

And now, on to the GOP.

Obviously, McCain needs three things to win: 1) conservatives, 2) women, and 3) independents. There are a lot of undecideds at stake, women being a huge percentage of them. However, I do not think that McCain will select a female running mate. I pulled that straight out of my ass, just gut feel. Condi Rice probably is not on the short list, lest McCain stick his neck further out toward the contrived Bush 3 hatchet. (More transparency—some Karl Rove type in the Dem organization says the way to beat McCain is accuse him of being a Bush clone, so they work that into just about everything. It usually sticks out like a sore thumb.) I would really like to see a VP candidate who is young, conservative, and a governor. Three names that stick in my mind are Matt Blunt, Mark Sanford, and Bobby Jindal.  However, Jindal was the only governor of these three who went to the love fest at McCain’s ranch. Youth is essential–after all, McCain is 72.

Joe Lieberman? We’ve already got one quasi-Democrat at the top of the ticket. Why do we need another? We should be reaching out to the right. Furthermore, we don’t need another senator. Let the Democrats go down in flames with two senators. Let’s get someone with executive experience, someone who knows how to manage an organization, someone with a little business acumen—not just a blow-hard like Biden. I like Joe Lieberman, but he’s Al Gore’s VP candidate, not John McCain’s.

Charlie Crist and Mitt Romney both have some negative points. However, I think they’re both still in the running. Crist is getting married around the end of the year, which would lead me to believe that he’s probably got other things on his mind. But Florida is a crucial state in a presidential election, and the McCain machine knows it. Romney would “galvanize” the conservatives, but then there’s the Mormon issue. The fundamentalists don’t like the Mormon approach to life. Now, we have to have Christian wars while vetting candidates. Ridiculous!

All we know at this point is that it ain’t gonna be Madonna!

Nobody elects a Vice President. I think that under normal circumstances (viz. Reagan/Bush vs. Carter/Mondale) the importance of the selection tends to be overblown by the hyperanalytical media (after all, they need to generate ad revenue), whereas in other cases, for example a tight battle like Kennedy/Johnson vs. Nixon/Lodge, a good VP selection can win the election (along with some strong-arming in West Virginia and some dead people voting in Chicago). I think that this year’s election is close enough that the VPs come into play. Thus, I am hoping that McCain chooses well. We’ll know by the weekend.

_____

*In Oregon recently, a woman who required a $4,000 per month drug was turned down by the government, which advised her that assisted suicide was legal in the state and was therefore an option.