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Corbett’s Weird Lawsuit

Posted on January 2, 2013 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Anyone who follows Penn State even casually now knows that Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett has filed suit seeking to enjoin the NCAA from imposing the sanctions previously agreed to by Penn State in the aftermath of the Sandusky caper.  You’ve probably read that the NCAA has officially dismissed the lawsuit as frivolous and without merit — naturally, they pulled out “the vicctimmmmmmmmms” trump card, stating that it was an affront to the dignity of those who had already suffered enough.

Penn State itself is not a party to the suit — after all, in conjunction with Mark Emmert’s “death penalty” threats and the subsequent reflexive, “we had no choice” midnight deal, the University agreed not to sue the NCAA — but the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania sure as hell is hit financially by anything as devastating as the NCAA football sanctions, and the Commonwealth is the major source of funding for the operation of the University, so what the hell.

Moreover, as the NCAA’s actions against Penn State were unprecedented and thereby inconsistent with its custom and practice as well as attacking an area outside the NCAA’s purview, its authority needs a good Federal court test. The NCAA has indeed gotten to be too big for its britches, and I am not just saying this because I’m a Penn State homey.

The Suit

Let’s take a look at some of what the document filed today says. First of all, the complaint, verbatim:

The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania (“Commonwealth”), by Governor Thomas W. Corbett, Jr., brings this action as parens patriae for the natural citizens of the Commonwealth for injunctive relief against the National Collegiate Athletic Association (“NCAA”) under Section 16 of the Clayton Act, 15 U.S.C. § 26, for a violation of Section 1 of the Sherman Act, 15 U.S.C. § 1.

In the “Nature of Action” section of the document, the Commonwealth asserts seven itemized points. I won’t bore you with the legalese, with the exception of #7, but I can summarize these points, to wit:

  1. Penn State’s football program is important economically to the Commonwealth, and is a generator of revenue for the University.
  2. NCAA and its member institutions arbitrarily and capriciously abused power in order to cripple Penn State football, which has affected the citizens of the Commonwealth in many ways, particularly economically.
  3. NCAA exploited the Sandusky scandal to burnish its own tarnished reputation by landing hard on Penn State, which was forced to sign away procedural rights. “These punishments threaten to have a devastating, long-lasting, and irreparable effect on the Commonwealth, its citizens, and its economy.”
  4. NCAA is a trade association of competitors. Antitrust laws permit such associations to impose and enforce rules, but such rules must be enforced in such a way as to prevent their arbitrary application.
  5. NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State do not meet these requirements. NCAA did not cite a single NCAA rule that had been broken. Penn State’s conduct did not compromise the NCAA mission of fair competition.
  6. The Commonwealth asserts that it “emphatically repudiates” the conduct of those officials who allegedly knew about the [Sandusky scandal] offenses and failed to report them. However, the NCAA should not be punishing Pennsylvanians and compromising worthy programs just to enhance its own reputation and those of the other competing football programs.
  7. [quoted verbatim] “The NCAA took the public position that its unique and unprecedented actions were necessary to correct a ‘culture’ at Penn State that improperly exalted the football program to a position of  ‘deference’ and ‘reverence’ within the university. While the role of football and other high-profile sports on college campuses is certainly a legitimate subject for debate, the notion that this phenomenon is in any way unique to Penn State defies credulity. Moreover, given the NCAA’s pivotal role in creating and profiting from the ‘culture’ it now decries, its stated justification for its attack on Penn State and the Commonwealth must be viewed as a pretext for the real motives of the NCAA and its president: the opportunity to gain leverage in the court of public opinion, boost the reputation and power of the NCAA’s president, enhance the competitive position of certain NCAA members, and weaken a fellow competitor.”

The suit goes on to describe the NCAA as a “big business”, with over $846 million revenue in 2010-11, and that because of the NCAA’s role in intercollegiate athletics, operation of a major football program requires a college or university to be an NCAA member, and thus be subject to its tangle of rules.

Moving on to factual background, we see that Penn State’s football program is big business, too, generating hundreds of millions of dollars annually. Penn State football has been one of college football’s most successful programs. In 2010-2011, it was the second most profitable athletic program in the country and the most profitable in the Big Ten. Penn State has achieved this success without compromising the academic performance of its players, boasting one of the highest graduation rates among Division I programs. The football program generated $161.5 million in business volume impact to Pennsylvania in 2009. It has created 2,200 jobs for Pennsylvanians.

The NCAA’s “purported mission” is to regulate competition and ensure that athletes are treated fairly and are viable students, with precedence given to academics over athletics. That doesn’t hold up in practice, as it seems that the primary function of the NCAA has been to maximize revenue generated for member institutions, primarily through football and men’s basketball. It makes big bucks on the annual basketball tournament. Member institutions make big bucks on their college football programs.

The NCAA manual provides for rules and enforcement, but it does not provide for the President, Executive Committee, or the Division I Board of Directors to have any role in investigating potential rules infractions or issuing sanctions. The Infractions Committee is the only entity entitled to administer the NCAA enforcement program. The enforcement provisions are there to protect student-athletes.  No action may be brought against member institutions without going through the Infractions Committee. In fact, the President, Board of Directors, and Executive Committee are explicitly barred from participating in enforcement proceedings and they are not permitted to review sanctions by the Infractions Committee. There is a hearing procedure which gives a member institution the right to appear and present evidence, and appeal any overreaching sanctions.

Mark Emmert, President of the NCAA, is paid $1.6 million per year, 40 percent more than his predecessor.  Emmert assumed the presidency when NCAA was being criticized regularly for its inconsistent punishments and ineffectual rules enforcement. Emmert felt that tightening up the punishment and enforcement mechanism was his mandate, and the Sandusky affair provided him with an opportunity to use the high-profile case as a publicity vehicle to enhance his reputation as the discipline god of the NCAA. The suit asserts that he put his own needs and wants ahead of the welfare of the citizens of Pennsylvania.

After the Freeh Report was completed, Emmert and the NCAA pounced on Penn State even though the Freeh Report did not find even a single violation of NCAA rules. The NCAA, for its own aggrandizement, was kicking Penn State when it was down. This was done outside of the NCAA’s own procedural rules, reading between the lines of the Freeh Report.

Given that Penn State did not engage in any conduct expressly prohibited by any NCAA rule, but was suspected only of violating vague principles of “institutional control” and “individual integrity, a finding that Penn State violated NCAA rules would not be a certainty. In fact, it would require the Committee on Infractions to take the unprecedented step of sanctioning a member institution solely for violating these vague principles, without any accompanying concrete infraction.

To circumvent NCAA rules, Emmert & Co. used the sleazy alternative of extortion, threatening that if Penn State did not waive its right to due process and accept the draconian sanctions, the NCAA would impose the “death penalty” for four years, with the further threat that there would be no deal if Penn State President Rod Erickson leaked any news of the compromise, or even publicly used the term “negotiations.”

The suit goes on with a description of the sanctions and mentions other schools whose serious transgressions were overlooked or not punished by the NCAA. It accuses the NCAA and the competing colleges and universities it represents of cynically and hypocritically exploiting the tragedy of the “Sandusky Offenses” as a “blank check.” The NCAA exceeded its own authority to impose unprecedented punishments.

The Crux

The actions by the NCAA, including the “death penalty” threat to force Penn State to accept the sanctions, constituted concerted action within the meaning of Section 1 of the Sherman Act, to wit, that the law prohibits such an organization from imposing and arbitrarily enforcing rules that bear no reasonable relationship to the need for self-regulation, for the purpose of denying the benefits of participation to a single competitor and thereby lessening competition.

The suit asks for a permanent injunction to prevent the NCAA from imposing the sanctions, asks that the Court find the sanctions in violation of Section 1 of the Sherman Act, and asks that the Commonwealth be awarded costs, including attorney fees.

Discussion

Mouths and computers are flapping far and wide on this one, which broke on New Year’s Eve first by Sports Illustrated and then immediately thereafter by ESPN, the latter streaming it across the bottom of TV screens during New Year’s Eve Bowl coverage.

Much of what I’ve been hearing and reading has applauded Corbett for his ballsy move. Some ascribe a political motive, as Corbett looks forward to being re-elected — or not. A few have been absolutely contemptible, as usual, citing “the victimmmmmmmmmmmms”, despicably used by all parties and their observers to justify whatever they think they want to justify: pro, con, or in-between.

The worst I’ve seen was written by Penn State hater Christine Brennan of USA TODAY Sports. She asserts that Corbett should have let sleeping dogs lie. She asks, “Has no one in Pennsylvania learned anything over the past 14 months, since the news of the Sandusky horrors broke?”

Sensationalist trash! Citing Corbett and other state leaders’ “stunning obsession with Penn State football”, Brennan declared it non-coincidental that the suit was filed on January 2, because Corbett didn’t want to detract from the team’s momentum. Do whut, Juanita? The team hasn’t played since November, thanks to the NCAA sanctions.

Brennan poses some legitimate criticisms regarding the sloth with which Corbett and his prosecutorial team approached the Sandusky matter while it was under investigation. The new Pennsylvania Attorney General made a campaign pledge to investigate the investigators. She takes office on January 15. Stay tuned for more Pennsylvania politics at its finest.

So, what is Corbett aiming to accomplish? Is he out to save Penn State’s ass? His own? The collective ass of the people of Pennsylvania?

His own, no doubt. After all, he did a 180 degree turn from his original position on the matter. Last summer, Corbett in his role as trustee accepted the sanctions and embraced them as part of the university’s healing effort. That was a popular sentiment at the time, but sentiments change. Now that emotions have abated while logic and reason are on the rise, it doesn’t seem like such a good position for the Gov to stand behind anymore.

Regardless of his motivation, however, it is long since time that someone damned the torpedoes and went for it. This turkey has believed all along that the NCAA overstepped its bounds big time — because it could. Someone — namely Corbett — finally has come forward with the brass balls necessary to contest the self-perceived absolute, godlike authority of the NCAA over colleges and universities. Hallelujah!

There will always be snotty reprisals from two-bit hacks like Brennan, who take cheap shots to try to make a name for themselves. Fuck ’em! They have no dog in the fight and furthermore, they always can pull the cowardly ploy of hiding behind “the victimmmmmmmmmms”.

If it were just yellow journalists who were throwing up the smokescreen, we could ignore it and move on. However, we can’t ignore it when the NCAA does it, which is exactly where the NCAA response went. Shame on them, once again!

In a statement issued after Corbett’s announcement, Donald M. Remy, NCAA executive vice president and general counsel, said the governor was belatedly interceding in a matter that was well on its way to being resolved.

“We are disappointed by the governor’s action today,” Remy said. “Not only does this forthcoming lawsuit appear to be without merit, it is an affront to all of the victims in this tragedy — lives that were destroyed by the criminal actions of Jerry Sandusky. While the innocence that was stolen can never be restored, Penn State has accepted the consequences for its role and the role of its employees and is moving forward. Today’s announcement by the governor is a setback to the university’s efforts.”

This has nothing to do with supporting those victims, who have been used as an immoral smokescreen by way the hell too many opportunists for way the hell too long. Let them be! Sandusky has been tried and convicted; meanwhile, civil suits and settlements are being worked out between the University and the victims and their families. That is a completely separate matter. Pure and simple, the NCAA is requiring that Penn State, the Penn State extended family, and the citizens of the Commonwealth pay the price for Sandusky’s sins and those of his facilitators (if, in fact, it can be shown that anyone employed by Penn State actually did have knowledge of his nefarious activities, which is still in doubt). If you’ve been reading financial news of late, this obliquely misdirected penalization is similar to punishing HSBC, its depositors, and its shareholders for the action of a few of its executives. If men create crimes, punish the men, not their institution. Collateral damage can be nasty. Innocents in large numbers have been harmed by the sanctions against Penn State and the fines levied against HSBC. Lock up Sandusky, Schultz, Curley, and Spanier, if they’re found guilty, but don’t fuck with the football program!

The suit makes a reasonable point about the apparent aim of Emmert’s heavy-handed and possibly illegal sanctions being twofold: to pump up the NCAA and his own image, and to render Penn State non-competitive in football. Okay, so the latter is a bit of a stretch — although the pro-Penn State paranoiacs seem to think that Penn State has always appeared as a high-profile target on everyone’s radar screen — but this component is nevertheless crucial to the anti-trust suit, as it must be demonstrated that competition was impaired by the NCAA actions.

Let me give you my thoughts about the timing of the suit, which was brought into question by the eminent Ms. Brennan. It would have been stupid to file it earlier, without an entire football season in the proverbial can, because it would have been difficult to assess and prove the real damages caused by the sanctions. Now, the costs can be reasonably approximated. We now know how attendance declined from the prior year. We now know how much money was lost in missed bowl revenue. We now know how many players left for competing schools because the NCAA waxed the skids for them. We now know how shopkeepers’ revenues were affected, and so forth.  Consequently, we can now  prove the deleterious effects of the NCAA sanctions. To have filed a suit without being able to document these effects in black and white would have been foolhardy.

Thus, letting one full season play out under the draconian sanctions was necessary to get all the ducks in a row. Now, we must hope that the Commonwealth’s legal team is up to the task and is not firing blanks.

Conclusion

For whatever reason, Governor Corbett well serves the people of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and their state university by filing this suit. It is despicable that the NCAA continues to play dirty, dragging out the victims to bolster its case in the court of public opinion at the slightest mention of its questionable procedures or the sanctions themselves. It is this turkey’s hope that a fair-minded and intelligent court of law will see through this smokescreen to the true heart of the matter: that the NCAA’s boundless and arbitrarily wielded power must be curtailed and that Penn State football not be made to act as the whipping boy to serve Mark Emmert’s personal vindication and aggrandizement.

Although the NCAA has implemented new rules, what good are rules if the President and the Executive Committee can ignore them, to the detriment of fairness to member institutions? On a different scale, the United States of America’s membership in the United Nations offers a parallel. It seems that much of the purpose of the UN these days is to throttle the US and strengthen the Third World. That corrupt organization of nations has long outlived its usefulness, and except for some humanitarian programs, is largely irrelevant today. A similar fate for the NCAA might well be in the offing, inspiring this turkey hopes that Corbett’s anti-trust suit will give it a firm push in that direction.

 

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Filed Under: Current Events, Penn State Scandal Tagged With: Mark Emmert, Pennsylvania, Sandusky Scandal, Tom Corbett

Day Nine: Hot Dog! Let’s go shopping!

Posted on August 26, 2010 Written by The Nittany Turkey

AS in full shop-mode.

This is the tenth installment of the Summer 2010 road trip travelogue starring Artificially Sweetened (AS), her daughter, Cupcake, and me, the Nittany Turkey.

Day Nine was a Sunday, our last full day in New Philly. We hadn’t developed a plan for the day, which enabled another sleep-in for the girls. Just how, then, did Day Nine evolve into a shopping day?

Well, before the ladies came downstairs, I was talking with Toejam about my thoughts on lunch. I knew that AS liked hot dogs, and in Pottsville there is a hot dog joint called Coney Island that serves memorable wieners. Toejam told me that they weren’t open on Sundays, so I better go to the mall, where there is a small branch of the downtown store. Therein lay the essence of a plan.

As AS approached cognitive functionality (i.e., after some coffee), I told her that the plan was to take her and Cupcake to the mall to get some hot dogs for lunch.

Sproingo! Say da secret woid and da duck comes down and gives you $100…

Yes, I said the magic word, and it wasn’t abracadabra—it was mall.

“As long as we’re going to the mall, I wanted to buy Cupcake some jeans for school,” said AS, her eyes focusing. I could feel her shopping gears spinning up to operational speed, lubricated by SAE 90 coffee and fueled by a breakfast bar.

Back in my day, we weren’t allowed to wear jeans to school, but that’s beside the point. My desire to feed the girls a couple of hot dogs had just been transmogrified into a full-scale babe clothing shopping mission. Ooooh boy!

Nuclear Bomb
Nuclear Bomb

We three piled into the Sienna for a voyage into the wonderful world of babeshopping. But first, I had an item on my list of things to do before leaving Schuylkill County. In nearby St. Clair, there was a house with a bomb casing on its front porch’s roof. The word “NUCLEAR” was stenciled on the bomb. I needed to get a picture of it before I left in order to capture the flair of the local gentry.

After the brief photo shoot, I remembered where the mall was, much to the delight of AS and to the quasi-constructive apathy of Cupcake. When we arrived in the mall parking lot, I said I would park at the end by Boscov’s, the one and only anchor department store there. We passed a huge tent. I mentioned that it was too early to be selling Christmas trees and too late for Fourth of July fireworks, so what could it be? We soon found out when we saw the sign that said “Boscov’s Tent Sale — up to 70% off.” What flashed in my brain was “OMG OMG”.

“We have to go in there,” declared AS. I would not have a choice in the matter.

“OK,” I agreed limply. It was going to be a long afternoon.

I guess we looked at everything in the tent at least once. Thinking that I might be able to cut to the chase, I pointed AS to a rack with girls’ jeans selling for $3. In return, I received a word or two of heady shopping advice.

Jeans Shopping
Jeans Shopping

“I never buy pants that I can’t try on, even if they’re only $3,” said AS. I never thought of that. I mean, for $3, I’d take a chance, and if they didn’t fit, I’d sell them on eBay for $5. But I’m just a man. Who cares what I think? Now, it was clear that we would definitely have to go inside after spending the “necessary” time in the tent.

AS and Cupcake split up. I could walk from one to the other and back, feigning interest in what they were doing, to avert the boredom of looking at lots of stuff no one intended to buy. After all, the stuff in the tent was there because it had been languishing too long in the store. Finally, the Cupcake got bored, too. But AS was in full shop-mode, so there was no telling when we would exit the tent. I think the only thing that eventually saved us was that the tent wasn’t air conditioned. It wasn’t extremely hot, but after walking around for 20 minutes or so, it was getting a wee bit uncomfortable.

I’m not sure what it was that AS bought, but I was pleased when she said that she was ready to go to the register to check out. Cool! Now we could get out of here and, um, shop.

Inside the main store, there was air conditioning, so my tolerance level increased. At this point, the jeans assault team began its search and seizure mission. I gestured to the Levis display, thinking that I might be able to channel their efforts, but I received a swift rebuke.

“Why not get the ones that started it all? Good old original Levis,” I suggested.

“Because they’re not cool,” said AS.

“Oh.”

Moneybags AS
Moneybags AS

We looked at a lot of racks. How many exactly, I forget. It’s all a blur.  Finally, Cupcake was ready to try on some jeans. I pointed out the sign that said they could take no more than three garments into the fitting room and they had to tell a clerk before they went in. They ignored the second part. I’m not sure whether they ignored the first part as well, as there several ingresses and egresses.

When Cupcake came out the first time, I asked AS why the jeans’ rear pockets were not properly situated high on Cupcake’s butt cheeks. She admonished me that I didn’t know how it was supposed to work. These were low riders or some such thing. Yeah, but does that mean that the bottom half of the patch pockets should be down her thighs? Furthermore, is it really necessary to show butt crack? I mean without a thong in there and a tramp stamp above to decorate it? But surely, AS wouldn’t approve of something like that. I guess I know nothing about girls’ fashions. Silly me.

I was called upon to be a human clothing rack while the two of them went into the changing room. I got to hold the stuff that they had either already decided upon buying or were saving for subsequent try-on sessions. I whiled away the time by taking pictures of unsuspecting customers and employees.

[Read more…]

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Filed Under: Summer Vacation Tagged With: Pennsylvania, Pottsville, road trip, shopping, teenager

Day Four: buy stuff, eat stuff, and drive — then eat

Posted on August 13, 2010 Written by The Nittany Turkey

The Spooner

This is the fifth part of a serial travelogue entitled How I Spent My Summer Vacation, starring Artificially Sweetened (AS), Cupcake, and me, The Nittany Turkey.

I told the girls they could sleep as late as they wanted. That meant no later than 10 AM. There was a lot of flexibility in the schedule, as the plan for the day was to hang around the PSU campus for a while and then drive to Tam Manor, the home of Toejam and Judytam, about three hours away, in time for dinner.

We were getting this motel stuff down to a science. By this time, we could gather our stuff and check out with great dispatch and with only a modest amount of grumbling at each other about extraneous issues like my driving, like Cupcake’s penchant for like saying “like”, and like AS’s need for coffee. This morning was a good one. The only grumbling was mine, when AS demanded that we stop by the lobby’s little sundry shop because she needed a toothbrush. I told her to wait until we got to a drug store instead of paying for an overpriced hotel toothbrush. Greased only by that grousing, we piled into the minivan and worked our way downtown.

I found a nice place to park near the corner of East College Avenue and Garner Street, putting a couple of hours worth of change into the meter. AS needed some drugstore items, so we crossed the street to McLanahan’s, which is an all-purpose student store. She began to look at Penn State souvenirs and logo items. I knew what that meant—she was in full shopping mode.

To bide my time, I sauntered over to the pharmaceutical aisles to pick up the toothbrush that she needed. I have pledged to remain silent about how her original toothbrush was rendered unusable and I will keep that promise. After I picked up the toothbrush I couldn’t remember what else AS wanted, so I went to find her but couldn’t. I ran into Cupcake and asked her where AS was. “Way in the back,” she said. I found her back there working her way through Penn State garments and when I managed to wrest her away from the sale racks, she told me that it was Q-tips that she needed. That gave me a two-minute mission that saved me from two minutes of excruciating waiting while AS looked at hundreds of items she would not buy. I returned to see how she was. She was still working her way around the store, looking at each garment. I talked with Cupcake for a while. She was bored, too. I took the stuff to the check-out and paid, just for something to do. Still no AS. I finally had to get rather insistent.

“There are other stores, you know. The Student Book Store has good stuff, ” I said, hopefully.

“Just a few more minutes!” contested AS. I knew that stubborn face. It was going to require some heavy artillery from me to get her the hell out of there.

“We ought to grab some lunch,” I told her. “There’s a great lunch place a couple of blocks from here. They have good coffee, too.”

Her head lifted. “Food? Coffee?” she grunted, and then, sarcastically, “Oh, and beer, of course.”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

“OK!”

Whew! It worked. Of course, I knew that we would have to finish the shopping after lunch, but I would get a break and a beer. For our lunch spot I had chosen The Deli, another of Andy Z’s restaurants that serves a nice lunch.

We grabbed Cupcake and sallied forth.

“I still think ‘State College’ is a dumb name for a city,” said Cupcake.

The Spooner
The Spooner

The lunch was uneventful except for the entertainment provided by a group of about eight women who appeared to be PSU staff types having a lunch out during laid back summer semester. When they finished their lunch and paid their individual bills, they hung around for a while to talk. One of them, a black woman in dreadlocks who looked younger than the rest, was mindlessly playing with a spoon while engaging in this postprandial chat. At first, she was rubbing it on her arm. Then, she started beating her bicep with it. Then, she was polishing it on her shirt. Finally, while still talking, she started to press the concave business end of the spoon against the tip of her nose and held it there while she talked. She wasn’t clowning around. It was probably something that her friends had seen before, because they seemed comfortable with it. However, I was going nuts trying to be inconspicuous about getting a good picture of it. She continued to interact animatedly with the others, laughing and smiling, all the while holding the damn spoon against her nose. I never did get a very good picture, as her back was facing me. However, if I had gone for the right angle, my cover would have been blown.

The S-Word
The S-Word

After lunch, we went to the Student Book Store for some more of the S-word. I decided that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I began to look for some Penn State clothing. That was good entertainment for about 10 or 15 minutes. I wound up with a shirt and a pair of shorts. I went looking for AS and found her in deep-shop mode. She had a handful of stuff, which she gave me to hold onto while she went downstairs to look for books. The Cupcake went down with her. I alleviated my boredom by paying for our combined purchases. I went downstairs, finding Cupcake first. She was contemplating some geometry study aids, so she could refine her “surrounding mountains are, like, taller than Mt. Mitchell” theorem. I found AS a couple aisles over. She was looking at a book about aging. Who the hell wants to contemplate that? She settled for a book about stress in animals. Then, she had to go to the bathroom. I told her where it was after escorting her up the stairs.

Book Shopping
Book Shopping

Cupcake ascended the stairs bearing her selected geometry aids.

“Where’s Mom?” she asked.

“In the crapper,” I said, pointing up to the store’s public facilities.

Cupcake rolled her eyes.

“She’s got reading material, so who knows how long she’ll be there,” I warned.

Another eye roll and a double-speed hair twirl.

Hair Twirl
Hair Twirl

I haven’t told you about the hair twirl. Cupcake does this thing with her hair—seems like almost constantly. It’s pretty much the same idea as the spoon thing the girl at the next table did at lunch, an almost constant habit. She twirls a bundle of hair around her finger for a while, then brushes the end of the strands of hair against her upper lip. She can do it either left or right handed, while talking, eating lunch, or whatever. I don’t know, she might even do it in her sleep. I suppose it’s less annoying than biting her nails or chewing gum would be. It didn’t take me long to get used to it.

Eventually, AS found us and asked me where her other stuff was. I told her I paid for it. She thanked me and went to check out with her book, while Cupcake and I waited outside. There was a really nice, brand new red Ferrari California parked right in front of the store. I wanted Cupcake to pose next to it so I could take a picture, but she demurred.

“You stand next to it and I’ll take a picture of you!”, exhorted the Cupcake.

Ferrari California
Ferrari California

“No!” I said, knowing that the second I put my hand on the polished metal, some huge guy would appear out of nowhere, wanting to kick my ass up and down College Avenue for touching his shiny red automotive penis augmentation.

“See? You wouldn’t do it, so don’t expect me to.” Hair twirl.

AS emerged and I asked her if she had everything she needed. She said yes. We began walking toward our minivan. We stopped abruptly, as AS did a double take while glancing at the next shop’s window. [Read more…]

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Filed Under: Summer Vacation Tagged With: Pennsylvania, road trip, shopping, teenager

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Whodat Turkey?

The Nittany Turkey is a retired techno-geek who thinks he knows something about Penn State football and everything else in the world. If there's a topic, we have an opinion on it, and you know what "they" say about opinions! Most of what is posted here involves a heavy dose of hip-shooting conjecture, but unlike some other blogs, we don't represent it as fact. Read More…

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