Three good minutes is what it took to right the wrongs of the first 57 bumbling minutes at snowy Beaver Stadium yesterday, as the Nittany Lions (8-1, 5-0 Big Ten) eked out a narrow victory over the hapless Fighting Illini (6-3, 2-3 Big Ten), 10-7. This was head coach Joe Paterno’s record setting 409th victory, for the all-time Division I lead.

After a boring and scoreless first half in which Penn State’s only threat ended with a failed 43 yard field goal attempt, Illinois put together its touchdown drive halfway through the third quarter with a 10 yard Scheelhaase pass to Spencer Harris.  State played from the hole from that point until there was barely more than a minute left in the game.

A 30-yard field goal by Anthony Fera after McGloin was sacked by Ming the Mercilus at 7:00 of the fourth cut the deficit to four. Penn State would still need a touchdown to win.

The breakthrough came with 3:05 left, when McGloin hit Derek Moye for a 20-yard completion. Wait, who??? Moye was supposed to be out with a broken foot. He was expected to be held back until at least the Nebraska game. However, without fanfare, he suddenly appeared, and McGloin had his favorite target back — a good thing, because substitute go-to guy Justin Brown had been ineffectual.

How did Moye get into the game? Whose decision was it? I read a tweet after the game saying that the rumor in the press box was that Moye had “put himself in”. A little thought would have debunked that, as he might have gotten away with one play that way before McQueary called the stadium cops to get him off the field. No, it turned out that the doctors had cleared Moye for use “in an emergency” and Joe Paterno had instructed his brain trust to “tell McQueary to have our best receivers in the game.” Up to that time, McQueary had been keeping Moye warmed up and had warned him that he might be called upon.

Moye stayed in the game while McGloin completed two passes to Justin Brown to continue the drive down to the Illinois 36, where Silas Redd ran for four yards. The Lions stalled at the 32 after Moye dropped a McGloin pass on 3rd and 6. Moye felt that he had let the team down; however a dubious pass interference call gave Penn State a first down at the Illini 17. From there, a nine-yard completion to Moye coupled with some nifty running by Redd against Illinois’ goal line defense produced the score. Importantly, with respect to team confidence through the remaining three tough games, McGloin had kept his poise while directing a 10 play, 80 yard drive in the face of a clock winding down and an excellent Illinois defense.

But Penn State had left too much time on the clock, giving the ball back to Illinois with over a minute. Their place kicker, Derek Dimke, had a perfect 7-7 field goal record for this season. A tie seemed likely if the Illini could move the ball into field goal position against a tired Penn State defense. Scheelhaase was able to maneuver the ball down to the Penn State 25 with five seconds left and called timeout so Dimke could set up. We must have temporarily switched to hockey, because Penn State iced the Dimke with another timeout. That plan must have worked. The normally accurate Dimke bonked one off the right upright as time expired. Laces out, mah man! Game over. Penn State wins, 10-7.

For all the winter storm warnings, the field was in pretty good shape, and the wind was not a problem. Crappy play just happened to be the modus operandi for both teams.

McGloin showed that he could handle pressure with that final drive. Although he is not the fastest quarterback this Turkey has seen, he definitely can use the pocket to advantage, he senses when he is in trouble, he knows when to scramble, and he knows when to get rid of the ball and when to eat it. He also can calmly check down through his options as he is being assailed behind a questionably effective offensive line against a pretty pretty pretty good pass rush by Ming the Mercilus and Company. McGloin had played a complete game at Northwestern and performed well there. He was first off the bus at Beaver Stadium and, as that indicates, started this game. Why, then, did the offensive braniacs replace him with Bolden at the start of the second quarter?

For one reason, McGloin stunk up the place in the first quarter, going 4-12 passing. Most probably, the coaches had already decided on this plan before the game and McGloin’s screw-ups validated their decision. However, as bad as McGloin might have been in the first quarter, Bolden was worse in the second. He clearly was shell shocked back there, not feeling imminent pressure and making very shaky decisions. To apply one of the sports announcers’ favorite avian metaphors, his malfeasance, misfeasance, and nonfeasance brought out the boo birds. This is rare for a normally polite and respectful Penn State crowd. But these people had braved adverse weather to sit there and watch Bolden screw up and were not going to do so without making their expletives known.  Bolden did not complete a single pass. In one instance he attempted to throw a pass with defenders virtually hanging on his arm and was nearly intercepted. In another, he was sacked but he forgot he could have gotten rid of the ball to save the loss. And finally, after his fourth unsuccessful series, as if to put a capstone on his day and possibly his career, he was tackled for a four-yard loss to the PSU 25 where he fumbled the ball away to the Illini, giving them a gold-plated scoring opportunity.

Fortunately, the bumbling tribe of Peorians formerly led by Chief Illiniwek, who has been banished to obscurity by the Political Correctness Department of the NCAA, screwed up the opportunity when Scheelhaase threw a bad ball from the Penn State 9, which was intercepted by Sean Stanley with 24 seconds left in the half.

McGloin, not Bolden took the offense onto the field after that to wrap up the crappiest half of football PSU has played this year, and Bolden was not seen or heard from again.

In further bird-related news, Twitter was atwitter, replete with tweets from the electronic equivalent of boo birds. Many disgruntled tweeters asked why Bolden got any playing time at all. Many others said that they felt bad for him, but for the team’s sake, he should sit.

Let us pray. God, please grant the offensive braniacs and that stubborn old wop boss of theirs the serenity to make the right decision about the quarterbacking debacle, with the understanding that the aforementioned collection of bums will need all Your help to win any of the three remaining games. Lord, give them the courage to face up to those politically correct weenies who would consider selecting the mick kid as a racist decision. Let Thy servants Joseph and Jaysus walk not into the valley of the shadow of death because of their desire to coddle the Bolden youngster, as it were, for if the schvartze kid learneth not how to play under pressure by this juncture of the season, even Thine divine guidance will not help him. This we pray, in Moses’ name. Amen.

(There. I’ve done it. I’ve offended every religion, race and age group, mocking God and all the skin tones of His humankind. I feel better now.)

Yeah, it’s time, folks. Time to step up to the bar, slam our fist down, and demand three fingers of McGloin. (Oops. My metaphor just crossed over into Irish drinking stereotype territory. Oops.) The sparse, weather beaten demi-crowd at Beaver Stadium yesterday had it right. This team is not going to win with Bolden. Period. Forget about the crap you hear from Paterno about Bolden and McGloin bringing different skill sets. Bolden’s greatest skill seems to be hanging around after having been written off by everybody but the politically correct coaches. Please end the experiment before putting the team in a position to lose the next three crucial games. With McGloin at the helm, there is some small chance that Penn State, currently unbeaten in the Big Ten (no thanks to Bolden), can actually make it to Lucas Oil Stadium for the conference championship game. To continue the Bolden experiment at this point would be insane!

Was it Einstein who said that repeating the same thing over and over while expecting different outcomes each time was the definition of insanity?

Back to this forgettable game, one thing worth remembering was the performance of Silas Redd, who accounted for 137 of Penn State’s anemic total of 209 net yards total offense. This kid is a star. I’d worry about him being snatched up by the NFL before his senior year. I think he’s that good. Just consider the inept offensive line he’s been forced to play behind. He makes them look like they’re for real.

The passing offense sucked, as the two-headed quarterback combined for 9-28 passing for a measly 98 yards (Bolden accounted for 0-4 of that). The leading receiver was Justin Brown with three catches for 50 yards. Derek Moye, who played only the final three minutes had two receptions for 29 yards.

There were 17 punts in this crappy game. Sitting with my friends in The Cave, for much of the game we wondered whether we were going to see a repeat of the famous 6-4 Iowa game. “Worse,” I said. “This one will probably end up 3-2.”

Illinois outgained PSU 286 to 209, had 16 first downs to Penn State’s 14, and dominated time of possession 32:51 to 27:09. But they also were penalized for 50 yards and turned the ball over four times to Penn State’s three, and of course, their normally highly reliable field goal kicker let them down. This is their third straight loss.

Joe listened to me, keeping the reverse end-around in the “not used” section of the game plan. Although the slow-developing play is a major gamble under perfect conditions, on this field it would fail ten times out of nine.

This Turkey gave you the betting edge this, although my prediction called for a couple more touchdowns. If you had put your money where my mind was, you would have won both bets. Once again, Penn State failed to cover the spread, and the points total was wayyyyy under the over/under of 38.5.

Next weekend will be our bye week, followed by a bone crushing final three games against Nebraska, Ohio State, and Wisconsin, the latter two being played on the road. Several things need to be fixed before the ‘Huskers step onto the field a week from Saturday. One of them is obviously the final decision on the quarterback mess.

I’ll be back with a preview of the big Nebraska game sometime in the next two weeks, but I’ll also try to give you some non-game directed Turkey wisdom in the interim.

OK, and in case you forgot about the trivia question, it was Chester A. Riley who lived at 1313 Blueview Terrace.

For Penn State, the pre-season is over. ???? ????? It is now Big Ten crunch time. Having fared well against inferior defenses thus far, but having faltered badly against the only decent defense it faced, it is now time for the true test — the “meat” of the Big Ten schedule. It is make or break time. Let’s hope that the Nittany Lions beat the meat — and I mean that in the best possible way.

This week, the bowl eligible #19 Nittany Lions (7-1, 4-0 Big Ten) host the Fighting Illini (6-2, 2-2), who are coming off an ego deflating loss last week at Purdue, 21-14. The weather will definitely have an effect on the outcome of this game, with a whiteout from the heavens happening in Happy Valley.

Fighting the Fighting Illini can be viewed as easing into the world of real defenses before the stretch run against Nebraska, OSU, and Wisconsin. Alas, the Champaign tastes with a beer budget are on an unfortunate losing streak in which they dropped back-to-back games to Ohio State and Purdue. They started the season with a bang, running up records of 6-0 overall and 2-0 in the Big Ten. They were impressive against the likes of South Dakota State (56-3) but less so against Arizona State (17-14) and Northwestern (38-35). Last week they let Purdue score three touchdowns in the first half to trail 21-0 at the intermission. Did I say defense?

“I just feel good that we are in a position with a couple of quarterbacks I think — in different situations — can help us win a game.” —Joe Paterno

Somehow, they manage to get ranked #10 nationally in total defense, allowing an average of 289 yards per game.  They allow just over 100 yards per game rushing and just over 120 passing. So, yes, this translates to a defense that, albeit giving up 18 points a game on the average, is legit. This will be a test for Silas Redd and his stinger. It will also be a test for our quarterbacks as national sacks leader junior Whitney Mercilus (Ming the Merciless, Flash Gordon Fans (wait, who????)) has his sights trained on whichever one plays back there. Their defensive line makes me want to puke. (Note to zbeard: I have no idea why, they just do.)

NFL caliber senior wide receiver A. J. Jenkins provides sophomore quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase with a deep threat. Last year they did enough damage to Penn State, connecting for 76 yards and a touchdown in Illinois’ 33-13 win. That game was a stinkeroo for Penn State, with only seven first downs all day and Illinois outgaining the Lions by 200 yards. They had a solid running back in LeShoure last year, but this year their running backs have not been very spectacular. The only 100+ yard games for Troy Pollard were South Dakota State and Western Michigan; Jason Ford has had none. I would think that this year, the passing attack will serve them well, especially if they watched the optical disc recording of the last couple of Penn State games that showed the Lions’ vulnerabilities, namely the Sandusky zone I have harped on coupled with a slow secondary. If you’re going to play a pro zone defense like the Tampa 2, you need speed. Nevertheless, it ain’t going to be easy for the Illini, as in spite of its Turkey perceived weaknesses, the Penn State defense still allows an average of 180 yards per game, ranking 14th nationally.

Penn State is fifth nationally in scoring defense, allowing only 13.13 points per game. While the defense’s numbers have slipped a bit due to last week’s first half sloppiness against Northwestern, this group seems to be motivated and spirited. I wish I could say the same about the offense, which has looked bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Do you think the quarterback morass has anything to do with that? This Turkey does.

Although McGloin played a complete game last week against Northwestern, the JoeJay unit has asserted that no permanent decision has been made regarding the number one quarterback by the PSU offensive brain trust. That’s a pity, because I think the offense is more cohesive and certainly better coordinated if there is quarterbacking consistency. I don’t want to hear Joe waffling about Bolden and McGloin bringing different skill sets to the mix. Screw that! No two quarterbacks are alike anywhere. Nine games into the season, we’re still farting around trying to protect Bolden’s fragile feelings when McGloin has obviously earned the right to start.performing very well in what now can be construed in retrospect as his first start this season. Penn State’s anemic passing offense, ranking in the bottom tercile nationally, needs a boost. Settling the quarterback debacle once and for all is a good way to give it one.

The Penn State rushing offense, hampered by an inexperienced and uncoordinated offensive line, ranks in the middle of the pack nationally. However, Silas Redd, who can create space for himself even in the shadows of an incompetent O-line, ranks third in the conference and 16th nationally. Redd is now in the mix for the Maxwell Trophy, thanks to his league topping performance last week. If Penn State is to beatt the Illini this year, Redd will have to be a bigg partt of itt. Let us hope that his shoulder injury doesn’t bother him.

Thus, the three offensive Tur-keys: run Redd right at them all day, go with McGloin, and hope that Moye is healthy enough to catch a few strategic passes. The defensive keys are to force turnovers and not let A. J. Jenkins get behind the safeties.

Believe it or not, Penn State has a considerable edge in special teams’ performance. Yeah, yeah, I know. Ranking 95th in net punting, 79th in punt returns, and 20th in kickoff returns (thanks to a couple of brilliant efforts by Chaz Powell), how the hell could the Nittany Lions be better? Well, the Illini rank #102, #116, and #118 in those categories. They define special teams’ suckage. By the way, Penn State’s all purpose kicker Anthony Fera was named today as a semifinalist for the Lou Groza Award. Who knew? Would anyone have guessed that Fera would transcend his early season doghouse dwelling and arrive at this pinnacle of success?

It is a home game for the Nittany Lions, and fortunately for them, not a noon start. That gives us some hope. However, at this time, they’re favored by only slightly more than what home field advantage would afford them. The home field advantage is muted by the weather, which will mean muffled applause due to kittens with mittens, and empty seats due to the pain in the ass factor of snowy roads, closed parking lots, and wet seats.

Weather? Oy vay! Winter storm warning with gusty winds, a high of 38, and heavy, wet snow accumulating 4-8 inches. This is not a passer’s game, which should benefit Penn State’s slow reacting zone defense by preventing Jenkins from getting good traction. He’s going to have to put snow tires or chains on before the days is over. Meanwhile, the offenses can lean heavily on the run, which in this Turkey’s opinion favors the Nittany Lions. Plus, the Illini’s turnover margin is -.25 versus PSU’s .625, so sloppy ball handling will help the Lions. And Joe: please leave the damn reverses in the “not used” section of the game plan. The traction won’t permit them, McGloin sucks as a lead blocker, and the damn slow developing play just flat out doesn’t work! Enough, already with the reverse. ????? ????

Speaking of tricksterism, expect a few weather hampered tricks by the Zookster. He seems to always have enough up his sleeve to catch Penn State napping. They sleep pretty soundly out there on the field, as it were. Snoozing too soundly  on defense will allow Jenkins maneuvering room, snow or no snow.

For the Blue Band, in anticipation of nature’s whiteout, the musical brain trust have ditched “Sweet Caroline” (thank God) for “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Let It Snow,” and “Winter Wonderland.”

Parking lots will be a mess.

Although McGloin played a complete game last week against Northwestern, the JoeJay unit has asserted that no permanent decision regarding a starting quarterback has been made by the PSU offensive brain trust. Maybe the weather will cause old Joe’s rheumatism to nag at him to play Bolden, as long as this will be a weather hampered ground game. Who the hell knows? “I just feel good that we are in a position [where we have] a couple of quarterbacks [who] I think — in different situations — can help us win a game,” Paterno said. That’s what Joe said, but I continue to think that the team deserves a leader and I think McGloin is that leader. If Paterno is hanging his hat on the team telling him that they can work with either, then he isn’t listening closely enough. They’re saying that to tell him what he wants to hear, not to state their true feelings. I think that if you got their candid opinions, to a man they would opt for consistency in the huddle. Let me see a show of hands out there. How many of you are pissed off that this thing is still going on as of Game 9?

Romper bomper stomper boo, tell me, tell me, tell me, do … I see Billy, and Fred, and little Jenny and her big brother Chuck, and R.D., and the McCabe Sisters, and Anthony, Jr., and oh, Mike’s busy playing with his Google, and D’Brickashaw, and Deon’Tae, and little Maurice Jones-Drew and LaQuan, and Shaniquala, and Moishe …

So, now let’s take a plunge into the Official Turkey Poop Prediction for Week 10. But first, we’ll take a look at the other Big Ten games with conference championship implications. ????? ??? ???? Number 11 Moo U. leads the Legends division with a 3-0 record; they play at #14 Nebraska (2-1) at noon (Huskers favored by 4), while #18 Michigan (2-1), favored by two touchdowns at home, is playing Purdue (2-1 – Leaders). An MSU win will give them the commanding lead in the division. Meanwhile, Penn State stands alone atop the Leaders division (and the Big Ten as a whole) with a 4-0 conference record, followed by #15 Wisconsin and Purdue at 2-1. Wisconsin is favored by a touchdown to beat hapless, Tresselless Ohio State (1-2) at the Horseshoe at 8:00 PM. With the bye week coming for Penn State, followed by three huge, make or break games with Nebraska, Ohio State, and Wisconsin, it would appear that Saturday’s game is a must win for Penn State to stay in the Leaders division race. But I digress. Earlier in the week, Penn State had been favored by 4.5 with an over/under of 40.5; however, the gambling public must have seen the weather forecast, which favors Penn State, as the spread is now 5.5 and the o/u has dropped to 38.5. If the forecast had been for a beautiful fall day, I would have gone with Illinois in a mild upset. Winter storm warnings, however, somewhat neutralize the Scheelhaase-Jenkins tandem and skewing the PSU offense more toward the run renders Sack Emperor Mercilus more merciful. This week, I’m thinking that the bettors and the odds makers have it just about right. Penn State 20, Illinois 16. Take the under and once again, PSU doesn’t cover.

It’s been a busy week for me after camping (and missing the NWU game) this past weekend, resulting in my not finding time to write my recap of the Northwestern game as I normally would. For this, I apologize. I hope to be back on schedule after Saturday’s game so I can tell you how correct the above prediction was, among other post mortem thingies. Just for the hell of it I will give you the results of last week’s mind bet, just so you know I’m not perfect.  I predicted a PSU win 20-17 and took the underside of the 47.5 o/u. As you know, the score wound up 34-24 and I screwed up miserably on both bets. PSU not only covered the spread, but also blew away the o/u with a 58. Better luck this week, I hope, or I’ll be a miserably foul fowl.

This week, if my prediction holds true, Joe Paterno will win his 409th game, which surpasses Eddie Robinson for the most wins ever in NCAA Division I, while for the team, this will be the first seven-game win streak since opening 9-0 in 2008.

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Totally unrelated old fart trivia question of the week: Who lived at 1313 Blue View Terrace? (Answer in the game recap post, if I remember to include it. LOL)