Penn State Scandal Archives - Page 32 of 72

Double Trouble

Posted on September 10, 2012 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Now, I’m doubly pissed off! Not only did the Nittany Lions make a poor showing of it in their 17-16 loss to Virginia on Saturday, but also in the game to which I’ve been looking forward for half the summer, Peyton Manning manninghandled the Steelers’ defense in the fourth quarter, winning it 31-19. At least the Lions came through for me in my NFL survivor pool (take THAT, Kubany!), albeit in sloppy fashion. For the first full weekend of fall football entertainment, it sure as hell could be more entertaining.

On the good side, the AHA Heart Walk campaign proceeds apace, and big surprise, I scored a $500 donation this morning. So, at least on that front, things are looking up.

I really don’t have much to say about the Penn State game. As you all know, it was easily a winnable game, even without the services of our number one tailback, Bill Belton. Gaining 121 yards on the ground while holding the Cavaliers to 32, converting three of four fourth downs, and getting 19 first downs to Virginia’s 14 should have been enough for the Nittany Lions. And throw in four turnovers for the Hoos to none for the Nits for good measure. However, our boys were awful on third down, converting only ten of 23, and, shhhhhhhhh, don’t want to spook the boy who’s already snake bit, but four missed field goals is a sure recipe for blowing a game.

Penn State looked good early — again — scoring on its first drive, a 17 play, 75 yard affair that consumed 6:27. But then, the Nittany Lions wouldn’t score again until the fourth period. Amazing! They sure as hell squandered the many opportunities they were given. Ficken missed from 40, 38, 20, and 42, but worst of all, he had an extra point blocked that would have sent the game to overtime, maybe, perhaps. He did make one from 32 after Mauti recovered a Cav fumble, and those were the only points realized from a turnover during the whole damn game.

I’ll give credit where credit is due. Mauti played a helluva game. I won’t pin the loss on Sam Ficken, either. The offense was just plain bad, and the third-down stats tell that tale quite well without much embellishment from me, thankyouverymuch.

One entertaining highlight was Glenn Carson running a faked punt 19 yards for one of those three fourth down conversions I mentioned. Got to give it to Ron Vanderlinden — he doesn’t mind his linebackers’ penchant for moonlighting!

So, it’s the Midshipmen next (whom I used to call the “midshipments” as a kid), who might be beatable if some of the many kinks can be worked out. But hear me talking, there are no sure things anymore this season. Not Temple, Not Northwestern, Not Indiana, Not Purdue. Iowa, maybe. They really suck this year. LOL. I’ll be back later this week with a savage tale of the midshipments who not only have a little girl in every port, but a little port in every girl.

******

Being in a rather masochistic mood last night due to what I described above, I went looking for a picture of

The Woman Who Took On Joe Paterno and Lost!

And here she is. No reason you should sleep tonight if I didn’t.

Then, I went looking for someone who could play her role in the forthcoming biopic about Joe Paterno, starring Al Pacino as Joe.

One image stuck in my head, which was probably due to her haircut and her suit. I think it works on more than one level, but I’m just not certain.

But I thought, “Get real, dude!” He was much too tall to play Vicky. He would not be believable, other than the facial resemblance.

So, that is when my mind wandered over to Charlize Theron. No, wait! I’m not talking about the South African beauty in her usual skin; I mean the way the makeup geniuses and Charlize’s acting talent were able to somehow transform her to fit the role of scuzzball Aileen Wuornos in “Monster.”

Well, what do you think? I like the idea, myself, although it led to nightmares when I finally was able to get to sleep last night. Also, I rolled it by the Twitter folks, one of whom required emergency therapy upon seeing the first of the pictures above. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure that we got a consensus in favor of Charlize, but only if the same makeup crew is still available.

I’ll be nice to you, though, since you guys are always nice to me. I’ll sign off with a picture of Charlize as she usually looks so you won’t have nightmares.

Feel better now?

Pacino Will Play JoePa in BioPic: Who will play Sandusky?

Posted on September 8, 2012 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Al Pacino as Tony Montana in Scarface — Al Pacino as Tony Montana in “Scarface”

Joe Paterno — played by Al Pacino

Yep, the coach from “Any Given Sunday” will reprise his silver screen coaching career. Al Pacino has accepted the challenge of playing the late legendary Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno. Can Michael Corleone, Tony Montana, Frank Serpico, and the weird, blind guy from “Scent of a Woman” pull it off? Time will tell.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, the first question everybody seems to be asking upon learning of this forthcoming production is, “Who’s going to play Sandusky?” I’ve been watching Twitter for perfect suggestions, but after seeing Henry Winkler and Max von Sydow, I decided to take matters into my own hands. (So to speak.) So, I’ll be presenting my choices for Jer and the other major characters below.

Hollywood.com is none too snarkily snotty in presenting this news (noose, maybe), for example: “…and the decade-spanning coverup [sic] put the nail in [Sandusky’s] and Paterno’s public opinion coffin. (When you think about it, Penn State is like a microcosm of the Catholic Church. ????? ???? ??????? )” ASSHOLES!

Some of the oblivious snorkels in LaLa Land have been referring to Joe as “Papa Joe” instead of “JoePa”. I wonder if that’s written into the script, which is supposed to be based on Joe Posnanski’s biography. Posnanski, of course, wouldn’t have made that error, although Louis Freeh might have. It led me to wondering about why the hell all the hoopla over a movie about a pizza franchiser until it finally dawned on me what they meant. Hey, at my age, I’m slow.

Aside from the obvious main villain, Sandusky, the rest of the cast also remains to be selected by whichever studio buys into the package being pitched by Pacino’s agency, ICM. I know about as much about how Hollywood works as Hollywood knows about JoePa, so your guess is as good as mine as to how this will all play out. ???? ???? Feel free to watch Entertainment Tonight or read Variety or whatever it takes to answer any questions you might have.

This Turkey will just take things as they come, unless they do something really cool like cast Sofía Vergara as Vicky Triponey or something. (After all, who’s going to buy a ticket to a movie without a hot chick or two?)

“No, I’m not going to tchoot you, Frank. Manolo! Tchoot that piece of chit.”
—Tony Montana, in Scarface

Nevertheless, it certainly is interesting to speculate. I mean, Pacino and Paterno — what do they have in common other than the big nose, their Italian heritage, and the first and last two letters of their surnames? Well, Joe was a master of the English language and had an Ivy League education. Al flunked out of high school, passing only English. Al grew up in the Bronx, while Joe grew up in Brooklyn. Joe settled down with Sue, while Al— well, he sowed his share of wild oats and never married. Joe wanted to be a lawyer; Al wanted to be an actor. Joe became a legendary coach. Al is now co-president of the Actors’ Studio, where he studied method acting prior to launching an equally legendary acting career. So, there are major differences between the two, yet there are some subtle similarities.

I wonder whether Al will be able to get the accent right. It is a serious Turkey hope that they get this thing right. Yeah, I know. Fat chance!

But we’re comedians around here, so we have to look for humor opportunities in a subject that has run the full gamut from the tragic to the purely bizarre. Let us put together part of the cast for the Hollywood wonks so they don’t have to work so hard having three-martini lunches at Spago. ??? ????? There, it is all about money; for us, it’s about having some fun. I’ll present my characters and we’ll see if you can come up with something better.

Without further ado, Turkey Central Casting presents its selections below.

Jerry Sandusky — played by George Kennedy

I’ve seen several tweets claiming that Henry Winkler (the erstwhile “Fonz”) bears an uncanny resemblance to Sandusky. Bull spheres! Not even close. Besides, Winkler is 5’6″ tall. For Sandusky, you need a big, burly guy. If George Kennedy wasn’t 87 years old, he would be the man for the role. You might remember him as the guy who played Petroni, the ground crew chief in “Airport.” Yeah, that was a long time ago, but this being The Nittany Turkey and I being the proprietor, I get to use my Turkey Time Machine to rectumfy some obvious temporal discrepancies. However, this is all about you. If you can cast a better likeness, body and face, than the stocky, 6’3″ Kennedy, tell me who that is. (In view of George’s age, at this point I’m leaning toward another big Irishman, Brian Dennehy, who is “only” 75.)

Sue Paterno — played by Anne Archer

Sue Paterno is obviously one of the main characters, having been Joe’s devoted wife for all those years when times were good and when times were lean. Sue is a strong woman who raised five kids and put up with Joe’s stubbornness, absence, and curmudgeonliness as life in the Paterno household proceeded apace. Anne Archer is my choice here, but she’ll have to lose that Limey accent. The Turkey Accent Machine can make it so. I chose Archer because of her performance of the beleaguered, yet always supportive and sympathetic wife in “Fatal Attraction”.

Graham Spanier — played by Donald Sutherland

Graham Spanier requires an actor who can portray someone whom you know is guilty, but he looks innocent as hell. He needs to have a convincing, look-you-straight-in-the-eye poker face which you can’t help but believe. We need someone distinguished, sixtyish, smooth and polished, yet with something disturbing that you can’t quite put your finger on. Someone quick witted, cool in a crisis, and always decisive. Someone a little crazy. Someone who flies under the radar, but pops up in odd places. With piercing gray eyes framed by somewhat evil eyebrows, Donald Sutherland answers this casting call with great enthusiasm. It’ll save him from doing more commercial voice-overs. We’ll work on the beard for you. Oh, yeah? Well, if not Donald, then who?

Tim Curley — played by Tim Robbins

To do a good Tim Curley, the actor who is selected must be able to play a tragic sycophant, a compliant pushover with a secret, which is what the media have made out Curley to be. I considered Chevy Chase, but there’s no comedic angle here at all. I turned to a man who played an excellent Andy Dufresne in “The Shawshank Redemption.” He was the veritable picture of uncomplaining obeisance and supplication. Thus, I settled on Tim Robbins because… I dunno. Besides, his name is Tim. I just think he’s a fit. And he got along well with Morgan Freeman, who someone on Twitter said should play Larry Johnson, Sr. You don’t agree with Tim Robbins? Then tell me who should get the role.

Gary Schultz — played by Jack Warden

OK, now, the next major player is Gary Schultz. Every time I see Schultz, I think of Jack Warden in “Shampoo”, the scene in which he walks by the pool house and sees Julie Christie and Warren Beatty spiritedly screwing on the floor, illuminated only by the light from the refrigerator whose door opened when Julie grabbed it for leverage. “Now that’s what I call fucking,” muttered Warden until his focus sharpened. It was then that he realized that it was his wife getting it on with her hairdresser, whom “Lester” (Jack Warden) thought was gay. Kind of reminds me of all the twists and turns this PSU thing has taken, tragically. Jack is dead, though. Who could we get to play Schultz who is still alive?

Mike McQueary — played by
O. J. Simpson (#2893642-32)

Of the characters I will cast here at Central Turkey Casting, the final one is Mike McQueary. Whoever gets the role must be tall, athletic, and capable of believable mendacity. (Is there a common theme here?) Well, folks, that’s not my idea — I am not calling either Spanier or McQueary liars — but I am imagining how Hollywood will handle this and I see villain written all over this role. Once again, this is a job for someone who can look you straight in the eye and lie to your face. Red hair is completely optional. Hollywood is make-believe. They can do anything they want, and in this case, they’ll be casting O.J. Simpson, athlete turned actor turned murderer turned armed robber turned jailbird for the McQueary role. What’s that you say? The skin complexions don’t match? Well, in politically correct Hollywood, that don’t mean shit. Better we should give a starving black actor the money than be historically accurate. Orenthal (#2893642-32, Nevada State Correctional) is our man.

Rip Engle — Played by Rodney Dangerfield?

With our main characters selected, we still have a veritable plethora of roles to be filled. Who should play Jay Paterno? Guido d’Elia? (I just threw that one in to see if you were awake. Hollywood won’t get down to the fine detail of the Penn State branding king and lifelong friend of “Papa Joe”. If they did, I’m thinking they should tap New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.) Fran Ganter, who delivered the fateful note to the Paternos on the Night of the Long Knives? Vicky Triponey? (I would seriously consider Rosie O’Donnell.) Mark Emmert? Rod Erickson? Karen Peetz? Lavon Chisley? Drew Astorino? Rip Engle?

Will this whole thing come off? Or will Pacino say, “I wanted to get out but they kept pulling me back in!!”? I suspect that it will come off and if so, I am hoping against hope that it is done well. Knowing Hollywood and the liberties it takes, I have my doubts that Penn State will be portrayed as a positive place. This isn’t going to be “Something for Joey”.

So, you do the casting. Who gets the roles? Is Pacino the right guy for the lead?

Jou wanna say hello to my leetle friend?

Laser Focus: Catching Up!

Posted on September 6, 2012 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Holiday weekends, man! You feel like you’ve gotten a new week off and running, and you suddenly note that it’s Wednesday, 5:00 pm and you haven’t accomplished much of anything, and and and— Well, you all know the routine, and I’m certain that some of you are as deeply mired in it as is this Turkey.

I actually finished the t-shirt design for the Greater Orlando Heart Walk (click here or click on my widget on the right to make a donation to the AHA in support of cardiac and stroke research) for my insane cadre of local walkers. Moreover, I placed the order, so I can take that one off the deep procrastination list. Deep procrastination cost me an extra $35 rush fee, but you know what “they” say: haste makes waste.

One additional dubious accomplishment this week: I watched Sunday Night Football on NBC, which used to be Monday Night Football on ABC, on Wednesday night.

So, here I am cranking out the first halfway worthwhile post of the week sometime after midnight early Thursday morning, a Thursday that will feel like a Tuesday, and the Iraq and the South Africa, and yeah, some U.S. Americans don’t have maps…

This is LASER FOCUS, which means not much of anything, but it is a Peetzian term for which I have developed at least a short-lived affinity. Furthermore, after a turbid two weeks of perfidiously porcine platitudes from speakers at both Republican and Democratic conventions, celebrations during which the political piggies feigned laser foci upon the future, going forward, moving in the right direction, and so on, ad nauseam, instead of telling it like it is: “elect me, re-elect me, whatever — so I can cash in”, I felt that we should bring things into truly Turkeyesque focus, that is to say, into the quintessentially obscure circle of confusion.

“On Aug. 12, 2012, the Penn State Board of Trustees allowed nearly 9,000 of us to bear witness to their apathy…” —Jessi Lillo

Leading off this issue of Phaser Locus, or whatever the hell I said it was called (I’ve been forgetting a lot lately), is a plea from another local alumna, Jessi Lillo, a 1991 PSU grad who is one of the long-time mainstays of our Central Florida Chapter of the Penn State Alumni Association, as well as a dedicated disciple of PS4RS. She wrote a brilliant piece for StateCollege.com excoriating the media’s treatment of Penn State during our continuing credibility crisis, reflecting what many of us still feel and others of us who have displaced these issues with the bittersweet, nascent football season will be feeling around January. Buried deep in the bowels of StateCollege.com, it is entitled “An Open Letter to the Media” and it does not hold back anything. Dis babe says what’s on her mind and she can write, too. You’ll want to read it.

******

From the sublime to the ridiculous, ESPN.com, one of the media megawonks to whom I impute that Jessi obliquely referred in her meta-rant, reports that Sandusky wishes that he had taken the stand. No, man. You’re not only sick, but you’re delusional if you think your story wouldn’t have been ripped to shreds by a skilled prosecutor. After all, look at what Costas did to you, man. Fuggedaboudit! Write your book and shaddup!

******

While we’re on the subject of the despised, erstwhile Tickle Monster, ESPN was also the first bearer of the news that the scandalous schmuck known as Jer cost Penn State nearly $17 million thus far. Think of what that could have done for the university, for the victims, and for extortion money to keep me from writing bad stuff about Vickey Triponey. (This is the first time I’ve seen Triponey’s first name spelled with an ‘e’, on the official website of The College of New Jersey, where she is V.P. for Student Affairs. Ah pity da poor damn fool student who spelled it wrong on that page, if it is indeed spelled wrong.)

******

Just to keep you alert, let me just throw in that at this moment, Virginia is a 10 point favorite over PSU, with an over/under of 44½. Oh, and on the injury front, Bill Belton hasn’t practiced at all yet this week but Hodges and Morris have. O’Brien says Belton is day-to-day.

******

The Patriot-News reports that lawyers for Tim Curley and Gary Schultz are pursuing the trial judge for dismissal of the “failure to report charge”, because the statute of limitations has expired for that 2001 offense.

******

Did you know that Penn State actually could win the Leaders Division of the B1G this year, next year, …, 2017, … etc.? Well it is true. They can win the division and they can get a division champ trophy. So can Ohio State. Our friends at BSD have the story.

******

In our “Duh, No Shit, Sherlock?” Department, the ever vocal Bob Flounders takes a big risk of being way wrong when he writes “Unhappy Returns: Penn State linebacker Gerald Hodges may get pulled from return duty.” I think that any one of the McCabe Sisters could have been a better kick returner than Hodges. I thought O’Brien had given up on him after the fumble. Why would he want to push that project any further? It subjects a starting linebacker to injury, and frankly, he stinks at it. Aside from the fumble, nothing he fielded went anywhere. So, IMHO, Flounders is floundering around stating the obvious or the oblivious, depending on what you think of Flounders.

******

Bring on the gallows! Bill O’Brien showed remarkable restraint and patience in the post-game press conference, calmly discussing issues involving play execution while blaming problems on himself, which brought to mind a press conference retort by the legendary John McKay, who was coaching the winless Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the time. After a game, a reporter asked him, “Coach, how did you feel about your team’s execution?”

“Execution?” responded the quick-witted McKay. “I have to say that I’m completely in favor of it!”

******

Speaking of Vickey with an ‘e’, which I still think should be Vicky, and that’s how I intend to continue to spell it, a recent study of Penn State athletics concluded that Dr. Triponey was blowing wind in asserting that the “football culture” at Penn State is all-pervasive. Anne Danahy of the Centre Daily Times reports on this one.

******

I usually try to find a humorous piece for my last focal point but instead today, I give you a head-scratcher. Hell, if that’s all this makes you do, you’re coming out way ahead, even if you scratch bloody furrows all the way down to your dura mater. The title of the article I present to you from the Raleigh News & Observer is entitled “The NCAA’s clean bill for UNC brings howls” — that should give you an idea of what you’re in for. Recall that for over five years, hundreds of UNC so-called student-athletes in two major money sports, football and basketball, received phony grades for phony classes in African and African-American Studies, which was revealed in UNC’s internal audit. Just before the holiday weekend, our capricious and arbitrary friends of the NCAA told UNC that they didn’t do anything wrong. Exonerated! Forgiven by the same yo-yos who landed so heavily on Penn State. Oh, hey, tell me another whopper like that! Surely, the NCAA couldn’t let UNC go Scot free! No way! Academic fraud committed to favor sports programs by enabling gorillas with half a brain to be eligible to play, and some of this while on probation for recruiting sins? Nothing wrong with that? What a strangely dichotomous system of rules invented for any occasion does the good old NCAA live by!

OK. I’m going to go break into a drug store and steal some oxycodone. If anyone asks, I’ll refer them to Emmert. WTF!?

******

Sorry that I couldn’t find anything better than that with which to wrap this up, but it’s worth reading and pondering.

I have to get started “breaking down” Virginia. I’ll be back soon with the preview of the big Rodney Dangerfield Memorial “We Ain’t Got No Respect” Bowl in Charlottesville, replete with a level of sarcasm that fully depends on the mood I’m in at the time I write it. Catch you then!

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Double Trouble

The Woman Who Took On Joe Paterno and Lost!

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Pacino Will Play JoePa in BioPic: Who will play Sandusky?

Joe Paterno — played by Al Pacino