Sudden Impact: A Bye Week Fixes Everything!

Go ahead, make my day.Talk about shooting one’s self in the foot, this lead story describes the quintessence of foot-shooting!

Read it! You’ll LOL!

No, I’m not talking about Penn State. I’m talking about what might (and probably should) happen to Will Muschamp after the Florida Gators (3-3, 2-3 SEC) were summarily embarrassed on Homecoming Day with the seemingly unwilling participation of their opponent, the Missouri Tigers (5-2, 2-1). I mean, really, look at the stats. Missouri had a complete shit game but still beat the living crap out of the home heroes 42-13! LOL! How the hell does that happen? It was in no way as close as the score looks, and if you look at the stats you’ll be simply amazed. How? Why? You’ll say OMGWTF??? WTFH??? OMG OMG!!!

The Gators thoroughly dominated the stat board. They led in all the usual offensive categories: first downs, 17 to 7; total yards, 283 to 119; passing yards, 148 to 20; rushing yards, 135 to 99; third down conversions 8-19 vs. 5-14; and time of possession, 33:59 to 26:01. Missouri also tried desperately to give the game away with penalties. The Tigers incurred 11 for 74 yards.  So, just how in the hell could Florida lose? And lose SO DAMN BIG! I mean, seriously! WTF?!?!?!?!

Well, six turnovers didn’t help them much. LMAO!

Neither did “a few” big plays by the Tigers. SMH.

Start off with a 96 yard return for a TD by Mizzou’s Marcus Murphy on the opening kickoff. Toss in a couple of mundane scores by Missouri and you have a 20-0 halftime score. Now, make some halftime adjustments, Mr. Muschamp, and let’s come back with fire in the second half, right? WRONG! First blood of the second half drawn quickly by Missouri, Marcus Murphy again on an 82 yard punt return. To add insult to injury, the Tigers go for two and make it. LOL. 28-0.

OMG! Moving right along, at 7:25 in the third, the Gators cough up the ball and Markus Golden takes it to da house from the 21 yard-line. A minute-and-a-half later, Darvin Ruise picks off a Gator pass and lopes 46 yards to the end zone. 42-0. LMFAO! Were there any Gator fans left in The Swamp at this point? The announced attendance was 89,117, and at this point, most of them were heading to bars to drown their sorrows or hitting the road for home.

Are you getting the sense that Will Muschamp might not coach another game in Gainesville? LOLOLOLOL!

Having all but exiled the Gators to Siberia, the Tigers took pity on Ol’ Will, inserting the twelfth string defense led by the McCabe Sisters, who in a consummate act of compassion allowed the Gators to score with 1:43 left in the third quarter. The Homecoming heroes still had one more suckage statement to make, though. Lest someone think they were inadvertently trying to look like they could play, the great capstone on this bloody fiasco was the blocked extra point after the Gators’ final garbage-time score with 26 seconds left in the game. This was indeed a statement! But it wasn’t a statement to the opponents or the other teams in the SEC. No, man. This was an admission of the sorry state of affairs in Florida football. The self-deprecating statement was: “You SUCK, Gators!” ROFL!

The self-deprecating statement was: “You SUCK, Gators!”

How the hell can they be so putrid that they’re now an afterthought when you consider the top Florida teams. This once proud program is now a shaky fourth behind Florida State, UCF, and Miami.

The only conceivable explanation for this bizarro game performance — tantamount to a forfeit — is that someone must have paid them off to look so bad that Muschamp would get fired on the spot, ending everyone’s suspense and giving Gator fans what they want and so richly deserve. You see, under Muschamp, Florida has lost 12 of its last 19 games. That don’t go too damn well in football-mad Gainesville.

Anytime you have rabid Gator fans longing for a reprise of the Ron Zook Era — ANYTHING BUT THIS! — you know you have a problem!

I’d be surprised if Muschamp makes it past mid-week. I mean, WHO THE HELL BLOWS A HOMECOMING GAME SO PATHETICALLY????? (Don’t answer that!)

******

Yet another couple of Top Five teams got knocked off this week, just to cement the Mississippian/SECian domination of the elite tier of college football. West Virginia dumped Baylor from the undefeated ranks, whipping they ass 41-27. And then, there were the Irish, who most Catholics will say were robbed by a late penalty, allowing them to be outlasted by the Seminoles, 31-27. So, #4 and #5 both went kablooey.

Number seven Alabama continued on the comeback trail with a statement win over Texas A&M, 59-0, amassing over 600 yards and 30 first downs. Oy, such complete mastery I’ve never seen in a game between two excellent squads such as these. It wasn’t sloppy. The Aggies had only one turnover and the Tide had none. It was just domination and submission. (There are some chat rooms where you can find more of that, if you wish.) The Crimson Tide could well make it back into the Top Five this week, albeit with a blemish on their record provided at the behest of Hotty Toddy U.

So, this week, I’m thinking we’re looking at a Top Five replete with  Mississippi State, the Hotty Toddies, Auburn, and the Crimson Tide, all from the SEC, and Florida State, the lone rogue ACC school. Two from Mississippi and two from Alabama. Football is played there, and it isn’t the fruity version with a round ball. The SEC rules college football.

Except in Gainesville.

*****

Meanwhile, in the Big Ten/Fourteen, a lot of telling action took place.

Purdue isn’t as bad as you think it is, and Minnesota isn’t as good as you think it is. The Gophers barely edged out the Boilermakers in what certainly won’t be described as a pitchers’ duel. The final score was 39-38.

Some of our fears regarding a potential loss to Big Ten newcomer Maryland might have been strengthened after the Terps beat Iowa 38-31. They had a Penn State start, and then had to come from behind to do it. This was their first Big Ten win, and it won’t be the last. On the other hand, senior Terp quarterback C. J. Brown was injured once again, assuaging some trepidations.

Number 19 Nebraska beat Northwestern 38-17. Ameer Abdullah rushed for a Ameer 146 yards in this one (get it?).

Number 8 Moo U. smashed the Hoosiers 56-17 and PSU’s next week’s opponent, Ohio State, crushed Rutgers by the exact same friggin score, 56-17. The hero of Penn State’s erstwhile win over Rutgers, quarterback Gary “Turn” Nova, had only one interception in the tOSU game, but the Scarlet Knights coughed up the ball to the Scarlet and Gray two more times on the ground. (Scarlet billows?)

*****

That’s about all I have to say for today. Maybe I’ll watch some NFL. The Steelers don’t play until Monday night, when they take on Bill O’Brien’s Texans, and besides, they suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I’ll be back later in the week with my take on the forthcoming 56-17 Penn State loss to the Buckeyes. In the meanwhile, don your Hazmat suits, buy an Ebola Prophylaxis Kit* from Nittany Turkey Enterprises, and be safe!

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The Maize and Blue Margarita

RD and Mike Drink
RD and Mike prepare to salute the Wolverines (fucking traitors!).

I forgot to include my opponent tribute cocktail of the week in the Michigan game recap. I invented one called the Maize and Blue Margarita. Start with a typical margarita, using blue curaçao instead of triple sec. Then add three candy corn kernels to represent the maize. Garnish with a lime slice and dat’s da name of dat tune.

It apparently worked pretty well for Michigan. Just kidding about the traitors. It was all my idea!

I got bored watching the Steelers suck, so I decided to post this.

 

P.S.:

Please help me convince fellow bloggist Todd Sponsler (The Lion’s Den) not to leave the game. He’s thoroughly disgusted.