Anna Nicole Smith is finally buried and I’m not being mentioned as a possible father of her daughter, so I can lay the whole thing to rest in order to devote my vacuous musings to something equally unimportant: American Idol.
OK, I’ll admit it. I watch this weekly stupidity, like the millions and millions of brain-dead “voters” who control the contestants’ destinies. In my defense, I know some intelligent people who watch ths show, too.
There really is some entertainment value in American Idol, so it is not a complete waste of time. I Tivo it so I can skip the 74 minutes of commercials in every hour. Occasionally, I’ll see a good performance, and in the absence of same, I’ll get to hear Simon Cowell’s sarcastic bon mots, most of which are well deserved. My frustration, however, is in knowing that the torrent of votes from airheads will inevitably reject talent while voting for godknowswhat!
What do “The American People” think they’re doing? This week, over 30 million votes blasted in on both Tuesday and Wednesday nights. In both cases, marginally talented contestants were given thumbs-up while good singers were drummed out of town. While this screwy mob behavior is not inconsistent with prior seasons’ voting, I have to wonder on what basis people are casting these dumbass votes.
This is the same group of geniuses, more or less, who gave us last year’s dubious American Idol, Taylor Hicks. Aside from singing in a Ford commercial, what has Hicks done? (Please note that Ford has a sponsor tie-in with American Idol. The deal for the commercial was probably cut before anyone knew who the “idol” would be. Can you imagine how the Ford ad guys must have been cringing on that cold night in Dearborn when Hicks was selected?) What pop appeal does this salt-and-pepper haired, derivative crooner really have? He’s a lounge singer, not a pop icon. His voice is non-distinctive at best, grating at worst. His on-stage antics don’t come across in audio-only recordings. How the hell is Nigel Lithgoe going to make any hay with this guy?
Accordingly, I guess I am not surprised that the same bunch of idiots who selected Taylor Hicks last year kept Sanjaya Malakar around for at least another week of torture this year. The wispy, smily, 17 year-old with the Michael Jackson/Minnie Mouse speaking voice mangled his mostly off-pitch performance on Tuesday night. What can “The American People” see in this nice, cute, fruity kid other than being nice, cute, and fruity with a great big smile?
As Simon Scowl might say, “My grandmother is old and I want to wish her a happy birthday six months in advance. I like puppies, too.” Alas, no one is voting for Simon. Someone should. He speaks the painful truth.
The American Morons also retained the services of the infamous Antonella Barba, whose controversial Internet blowjob pictures (now discredited) had made quite a splash during the week. It must have been on the basis of these “head shots” that our voters returned the skinny babe from New Joisey for another week of torture, because her Wednesday performance was completely devoid of singing talent. Apparently, Antonella’s talents exist in other areas. The best thing about that is that with her mouth full she won’t be assailing our ears with her off-key singing.
At whose expense did the American Public make its perfidious choice? I think that the contestant with the greatest potential among the four who were shunned was Leslie Hunt. The combination of her girl next door looks, replete with bangs, and her sexy singing voice intrigued me. We should have seen more of her.
I’m not going to miss the other female who was voted off the island: Alaina Alexander. She was marginally talented and I couldn’t recall her face if you held a gun to my head—definitely not the characteristics of a pop superstar. Perhaps the American People were apathetic because of Alexander’s choice of song: the Dixie Chicks’ Not Ready to Make Nice. The recording industry may have indeed rewarded the Dixie Chicks for their irreverent crap, but maybe the American People have spoken their mind through their American Idol votes. In any case, Alaina is going home this week.
The two guys who got the axe probably deserved to go, but certainly not before Sanjaya.
It was ironic that one of last year’s wash-outs, albeit one who hung around far too long at the behest of the voters of America, Kellie Pickler, was invited to sing on this week’s results show. Is it my imagination, or have her tits and ass gotten bigger? (I’m trying to orient myself toward what The American People really like.)
It is about time for an edgy contestant to step forward and become the clear favorite for this year, which will almost guarantee that the American People in their ineptitude will quickly vote him or her off the program.
H. L. Mencken once wrote that nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. In re-gearing the British hit Pop Idol to suit the American mentality, Simon Fuller and Nigel Lithgoe have certainly validated Mencken’s curmudgeonly musings—all the way to the bank.
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I’m an American and I don’t like the show. Thank you for this review which will make sure I keep avoiding it.
(I do think Kelly Clarkson from a few years ago has talent. Too bad she sings in that trendy Mariah Carey way. With a good vocalist, the song is the star of the show-not the singer.)
Yeah, you know, I really don’t like that Mariah Carey/Christina Aguilera copycat singing that seems to be all the rage among female singers these days. Clarkson is talented, as is Carrie Underwood, who won the year before last. I didn’t think much of Ruben Studdard or Fantasia. Obviously, I have no great love for Taylor Hicks. This will most likely be another lean year. One contestant stands out with some obvious talent, but in some years lightly regarded ones seem to grow into instant stars. However, how America votes will always remain a mystery. I’m addicted, but I reserve the right to bitch about it!
—TNT
When I turned on the television last night, as luck would have it I caught the beginning moments of Idol. I thought, “why not?” and watched off and on throughout the show. The first guy who did the hip hop thing–that was interesting but I didn’t think he was all that good. The judges, however, did not agree! Okay, whatever. Later I caught the guy who did the old Rare Earth tune, “Celebrate.” I kind of liked that even though he messed up at the end. Guess what? The judges didn’t! Frankly, I don’t think any of the performers I saw were all that hot. When it comes to American Idol, I think I’m just clueless.
I turned on the end of Idol tonight and caught Melinda doing “I’m a Woman,” and–wow! She was incredible!
When I spoke in a comment above about “one contestant [standing] out with some obvious talent,” it was Melinda Doolittle I was talking about. Her performances justify watching this drivel.
The men this year are an ordinary bunch. No one impresses me even to the extent of Bo Bice or Chris Daughtry from prior years. And if Sanjaya does not get the axe this week, the “American Public” is on happy pills.
As for the judges, they’re irrelevant at this stage. They decide nothing; we’re in the “America has voted” stage. The judges can engage in moral suasion at best. Nevertheless, their commentary is entertaining, particularly Simon’s. As hard as he is on the average contestant’s marginal performance, he does recognize and extol real talent when he sees it. A few weeks ago he told Melinda that the rest of the contestants could get on planes and go home. I agree completely.
—TNT
OK, so the results are in and America is, in fact, on happy pills. Keeping Sanjaya while booting Jared and Sundance? A veritable travesty!
Antonella was great eye candy, but she had to go. America voted and they got that one right.
Now, what the hell are we going to do about Sanjaya?
—TNT
So, how did you rank last night’s peformers? Do you agree that AI has “jumped the shark?”
No, I don’t think AI has jumped the shark. They don’t really have to do anything weird to increase their viewership. The ever increasing numbers speak for themselves.
While there were more musical disasters than successes last night, I nevertheless enjoyed the “coming out of the closet” by-play between Simon the Terrible and Ryan the Meek.
By and large, I agreed with the irrelevant judges last night. The boys were awful, and three girls looked head and shoulders above the rest: Melinda, Lakisha, and Jordan. They should eliminate six performers tonight so we can get on with it—but they won’t!
If Sanjaya is around for another week after that debacle last night, I’m going to fly to San Francisco—a city whose philosophies are so akin to mine—where I intend to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
—TNT
OK, look—I was thinking about this Golden Gate Bridge thing and I decided that would be giving “the American people” exactly what they want. They want Sanjaya around to laugh at for another week? Ain’t no skin off dis Turkey’s ass.
And, tell me—did Diana Ross not look and sound ridiculous? Time has not treated the Supreme Leader well. Furthermore, her vocabulary puts her in a league with George W. Bush. What the hell does “pronunciate” mean?
Eventually, we’ll get to a point at which there are five contestants, one of which will be the plucky Sanjaya, who seems to hang in there against all odds. The thing is, it’s inevitable that a typically Idolesque tragedy will occur at around that time. One of the best will leave prematurely at the behest of “the American people.” Someone with lots of talent will be denied. That’s the way it’s always been.
I hope “the American people” have enough brains to vote Melinda and LaKisha right into the finals. I’d be disappointed—to the extent that I could be disappointed by Simon Fuller’s money mill—if that didn’t happen.
Now, I must go cancel my one-way ticket to San Francisco.
—TNT
Diana Ross was the one who should have been sent home last night! She sang off-key and shouted many of the lyrics. I think she has “jumped the shark” (I also think she was a bit drunk).
Yeah, Diana was ridiculous. From the grand entrance with the fog and the grandiose feathery red gown to her exhortations to the audience to sing along, she was a mess. I think she thinks she’s Billie Holliday or something, but yeah, Billie was screwed up on drugs in the later days of her career, so maybe there’s something to that.
—TNT
It seems to me that most of the guys (the ones I’ve seen) are pretty lousy at singing. So which one do you feel should win, oh mighty Turkey?
Here’s the rundown for tomorrow night’s A.I.–
Eleven finalists compete with hit songs from the 1960s British-pop invasion; British artists Lulu and Peter Noone work with the contestants.
So, what songs from the great British Invasion (one of my favorite categories of rock music) do you predict the wanna-be Idols will croon (other than To Sir, With Love, and any Herman’s Hermitts ditties)?
I think that the curly haired guy should be the last of the men to leave, but the talent of both Melinda and LaKisha is so much greater than everybody else that there shouldn’t be any men in the finals. So, that’s my prediction. Melinda, LaKisha, and Jordin can stay; everybody else must go.
As for the great British Invasion, I can’t predict what songs will be sung. However, someone’s going to do Michelle, I bet. I would also bet that Lulu will influence someone to do some Hollies stuff. I wouldn’t mind hearing He Ain’t Heavy or Bus Stop. I would like to see someone sing something from Dusty Springfield’s songbook, and I think one of the soulful girls will want to take on a Dusty song. There are a few songs from that period that stand the test of time. The House of the Rising Sun by The Animals is one of them. How about Brown-Eyed Girl by Van Morrison? What’s Lulu—about 60 years old? Peter Noone has got to be up there, too. Well, hell, some of the best people in the world are 60.
—TNT
Why the Hollies? I thought Lulu married one of the Bee Gees.
The Hollies, because a) they were from the primary “British Invasion” period, whereas the BeeGees came along later, like toward the disco drek period, and b) Lulu toured with the Hollies a lot. Yeah, I think she did marry a Gibb, but that had to be late- to post-BI. I won’t discount the BeeGees’ work, but they—OK, I will.
—TNT
I challenge you on your Bee Gees comment but more on that later.
“Tell Him” isn’t really considered a song one thinks of re: The Brit Invasion. Sorry, Haley (NOT Mills).
Re: The Bee Gees: They first scored in the 60s with Holiday, To Love Somebody and I Started to Laugh. However, they were from Australia.
Lulu and Maurice Gibb married in February of 1969, after the first wave of the BI but it was still happening.
Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying has that Mersey feel. Nice idea to have an unplugged version to sadden the song even more. I just don’t think Chris is a strong enough (or mature enough) singer to pull it off. Also he’s doing that “trilling’ thing with it instead of just letting the melody speak for itself.
I think Haley was hottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Who cares about the BeeGees—give me Haley doing anything in that outfit!
—TNT
Yes, you’re right about Cwis—he should have done Ferry ‘Cross the Mersey. LOL
—TNT
Well, Stephanie had the dramatic sounding orchestra behind her. I think she’s doing okay so far though it’s tough to compete with Dusty.
Well, she is a bit off key.
Dusty was the queen of blue-eyed British soul. Do you think Joss Stone will ever get close to that?
Yeah, Stephanie hit quite a few clunkers. (I’m lagging behind because I Tivoed the thing and started late.)
I thought Blake really sucked. I don’t know what those judges were listening to.
I really like this Zombies song and really hate the way Blake has “updated it in this oh-so-sexy way.” It’s just not my vision for the song. I think it’s silly and it strains the song–and his voice. It was a more innocent time and the “knowingness” that Blake is projecting just doesn’t fit. He makes it sound like he’s a sugar daddy. Hate the band’s interpretation, too.
Diamonds are Forever–that’s a Bond song from 1971. I like that Lakisha did it in the Shirley Bassey fashion. I think I liked it a bit more than the judges–they didn’t like that she did the “dated” version. I was glad to hear a song not sung in the fashion of Whitney-Mariah, etc. Rather refreshing, actually.
Tobacco Road. Sorry, Peter, I don’t agree that this is the “best version” ever (that you’ve ever heard? Come on!). But I don’t think Phil did a bad job. He got into it and the band sounded strong and had edge. Not really believable but okay…sort of.
Can we have Haley back for an encore?
I liked Lou Rawls’ Tobacco Road one helluva lot better. I bet Haley would do a number on it, though.
Jordan’s version of I Who Have Nothing. Well, I never would have chosen that song but I think the A.I. team did because it’s so Whitney Housten. It’s made for acrobatic singing. It’s not an embarrassing performance but for a singer with an intermediate skill, somewhat mundane, predictable.
Yeah, yeah, I get that you like Haley. Back to vocal skill, please.
Jordin is BIG!
Who watches this mess to hear the bad singing? I need to punctuate the bad performances with eye candy. Jordin isn’t a knockout, but she’s BIGGGGG. When I see a standout performance, I’ll make a comment about the singing, but thus far I haven’t seen one.
Sanjaya doing The Kinks? That took guts. Do I take a guy who looks like he’s still in 8th grade singing a song as gritty as this?
NO!!!!
I mean “take,” as in seriously.
At least Sanjaya looked like he was having fun.
Sanjaya is sooooooooooooooooooooo baddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
He would have been much better off with the Herman’s Hermits number. Will this yo-yo be around another week?
I guess the 14 year-old girls will vote for him a million times.
Yay, the Stones are coming up! Think they’ll close with the Beatles?
Make that 12 year-old girls. Fourteen year-olds are more discerning.
You gonna actually like these fools murdering The Stones?
Yes, the sweet saccharine Herman and the Hermits tunes were made for him!
I’ll just enjoy their take on the Stones…we’ll see.
I wonder if Jagger will get a laugh?
Of course, it would be Gina doing the Stones! I rather like her spunk.
Gina is talking about my critiques on my blog.
She started out shaky, and did OK, but she ain’t no Pat Benatar. (Or Mick Jagger, for that matter.)
Paint It Black? That’s a favorite of mine from that Stones’ period…(I kind of like Lulu–she looks good!)…yes, Gina! Done well. Just like it should be done. Spooky and serious. Way to go.
Good for Gina! Nice.
Boo, Simon! He’s all for cookie-cutter singing. He doesn’t get rock singers.
Actually, I thought she did a good Pat Benatar take.
Even the judges are engaged in argument!
It’s not always about hitting the notes
Nahhh, I agree with Simon. Pretty uninteresting performance. I like this guy Chris coming up. I hope he lives up to my expectations. We’ll see, won’t we?
Chris’ falsetto is annoying me.
No One Told Me about Her: a great, haunting song from the B.I. I could’ve done without that hokey walking through masses sort of thing, but I liked the vocal and straight interp. His singing is pretty natural.
Thumbs up.
This is not his song. He’s delivering one of those high school amateur hour performances.
Nope, I think he did it well. He captured some passion from the song.
What will Melinda do? How can you not do the Beatles if you’re spotlighting the British Invasion?
Maybe they were just beyond it.
I’m hoping that Melinda Doolittle delivers. Otherwise, for me, Haley’s legs will be the only memorable thing from tonight’s installment of this drek.
🙁
The Victoria’s Secret commercial wasn’t bad, either.
You have to keep it in perspective, Turkey–they’re a bunch of kids (of course, so were Lennon/McCartney, Jagger/Richards, etc…
I didn’t know that Edith Piaf was part of the British Invasion.
Melinda is no kid. I like her voice, but I don’t like the faces she makes. Besides, like me, she has no neck. This wasn’t the best song for her. However, she can flat out sing.
As Long as He Needs He Needs Me (didn’t she say “she” at first?). This is from the Oliver soundtrack. Well, she did a good job…she’s a pro.
I must say though, this is not the line-up I would’ve chosen for a British Invasion special.
I continue to think that Doolittle is the best singer in this competition.
No, your line-up would be all Stones and you would have had Haley wear a nun’s habit.
This was fun, Turkey!
yeah, yeah, Haley…
No Beatles…Animals…Yardbirds…???
Yes, I do love the Stones but I’m democratic.
Haley can wear any mini-skirt she wants.
P.S. I agree about Doolittle–and a name right out of the sixties!
I’ll await the results with bated anticipation.
Prediction: Sanjaya stays.
So who got the boot?
The news tonight is all about the little kid who was crying, a la, the Beatles’ Hard Day’s Night.
Oh those TV producers, they’re so clever.
Stephanie got the boot. Sanjaya wasn’t even in the bottom two! Jeez!!
—TNT
Well, it’s that time again. This week, Gwen Stefani is the featured outsider. She’s a welcome update from the geriatric crew AI has given us for the past couple of weeks. Diana Ross proved that Berry Gordy was a genius and the two retroBrits from last week proved that a) you can still belt out a song, if you’re Lulu, and b) if you’re Peter Noone, you can’t. So, enough with the old stuff, already. Maybe Gwen will update things, if she doesn’t have all the contestants dye their hair blonde. I’d like to see Haley in a Gwen outfit with blonde hair, but I digress. I just hope she doesn’t have anyone singing The Sound of Music drek her producer thought would be cool in her previous ablum. (Phil Spector once said on the Merv Griffin Show that “we’re in the business of selling ablums [sic] and they buy them on credick [sic].” Well, now Phil gonna be testifyin’ bout somefin else…) Bring on Gwen!
—TNT
I agree–I like Gwen Stefani. I’m a bit surprised she’s agreed to do this but, whatever.
I’ve read that Howard Stern and a website, the name of which I can’t remember, are behind the Sanjaya victories. I find the Stern thing rather amusing.
See you at the races!
Good opening, Lakisha. I’m a Donna Summer fan. She did a good job.
It is cool that Howard (who I think is a dickhead) can influence the voting. If he can get Sanjaya enough votes to put him into the finals, I’ll laugh my ass off!
—TNT
I’m not a fan of Howard’s juvenile humor tactics but I do think he can, at times, be interesting and smart.
Keesha can do anything well. She and Melinda belong in the finals. (Or Sanjaya.)
Has the audience always chosen the winner? I thought the judges did.
Oh, he’s intelligent all right. He’s smart enough to have made a mint with the shock jock routine.
Gwen looks like the “girl next door” without the red lipstick.
I kind of like this guy. I am not a Police fan (can’t stand that Sting) but if you’re going to do The Police, this song isn’t a bad choice. Chris has some singing talent and a nice personality.
Alas, he hit some off notes early in the song (nervousness?). I like him, too. I think he has a decent voice, but I don’t think he’s star material. (Maybe with an updated look.)
Ha! Poor Simon got played off.
I LOVE Chrissie Hynde. Let’s see how Gina (?) does.
I liked Gina better with the Pat Benatar routine last week. She sounds ordinary tonight. The band and backup singers really carry her through this number.
Not bad. She’s a bit derivative as a vocalist but not afraid of showing emotion in her performance. I kind of like her.
The judges liked her! Well, hell…what do I know?
This Petula Clark tune on the ad, Downtown, one of my faves from the Swinging Sixties.
Gina is cool, but she has to lose the tongue stud unless she’s going to be performing with the Sex Pistols.
HEYHEYHEY!!!! Sanjaya coming up.
You were, um, YOUNG when Downtown was topping the charts. I’d guess maybe 10 years old?
I kind of like it.
Sanjaya gonna murder yet another song. Let’s see if Howard can do his magic again this week!
I’ve been a huge music fan since I was like, five. I remember when my sisters were into Elvis (there’s a story there that I’ll tell you about sometime). I was an original Beatles fan.
Uh Oh. Gwen’s a little nervous for him.
What the s— is that on his head???????!
Can you get above that hair?
Whose song is this? No Doubt?
This is actually his best singing performance so far, except for the screw-up in the middle.
This is NOT Sanjaya’s best performance. I mean the Kinks tune he did last week sounds great compared.
I don’t remember the song.
“The little girl’s face says it all.”
Simon’s right. Howard’s laughing.
“Pony Hawk.” HA!
Didn’t see the little girl. Hear comes your girl!
Just heard the “preview.” Uh oh.
ooohhhhyeah! Haley better hang back with that Mariah crap.
I do like the dress, but a Cyndi Lauper song doesn’t really get it.
She’s making it into something it isn’t.
Heart-felt. A bit off-key. She’s a cutie but no vocalist.
dull, unexciting
I like Lauper’s way of singing it…she doesn’t try so hard and yet it’s so much more touching.
I agree with Simon.
Yeah, Ben. You’ve called it on Haley.
I want to see more of Gwen’s gums.
I wish I had some chocolate.
Isn’t that “gams?”
I mean, Turkey.
No, gums. She has the Meg Ryan gum exposure thing.
Oh please, not another Sting/Police song!
Chocolate is for sissies. Go to crystal meth.
Anna Nicole had the “gum exposure thing.”
A very poor Sting impression.
Nah, I’m trying to quit.
Sting does a poor Sting impression.
I’d give Phil’s performance my IS rating.
IS = It Sucked
Pretty boring.
Simon is getting ready to deliver a bon mot.
Simon is fulla shit.
I’m disappointed with Simon on this one.
Another Donna Summer song.
I do like this girl’s singing. She has professional training and experience. A little heavy on the vibrato, but I can listen to her all night anyway!
I don’t recall this song. I don’t think this is her strongest performance but that’s mainly because I’m not that fond of this song. Still, she’s terrific.
And watch her, too. She shows her enthusiasm and I like that blue on her.
I thought you liked Donna Summer songs.
Simon and I agree on this one.
Simon, of course, is the fashion critic.
Not keen on the outfit thought the blue is nice. I DO like Donna Summer but that doesn’t mean I like all of her songs.
Melinda’s got the “gum exposure thing.” 🙂
Yeah, well you like all Rolling Stones’ songs.
Hey, I can get my love handles cut off!
What happened? You went out for chocolate?
I don’t get the “love handles” thing.
Not true that I like all Stones’ songs: Hate “Angie,” for example.
This guy can create a mood, but I don’t like his voice and I don’t like the bebop shit.
No choc. in the house. Oh well. Maybe an apple.
What’s this drek he’s singing?
The love handles thing was in a news teaser that you missed when you went to the bathroom.
I don’t know the song.
Simon is about to say, “You’re an enigma.”
Didn’t go to the b.r. Went to hug my dog Cassie.
I don’t like this performance.
“Front-running guy?” I hope not.
OK, like I’ll totally agree with Simon Crowbar.
None of the guys are very good.
Jordin is cool for a 17 year-old.
What the hell is that Italian tablecloth she’s wearing?
Is this a Gwen Stefani song? Maybe not. Anyway, I don’t think this singer pulls it off.
This is not a safe song, by any means, and I think she did a helluva job with it. Thumbs up!
It does look like a tablecloth from my local pizza parlor.
You gotta be kidding with these judges?
Simon was a bit kinder than I thought he would be.
No, I don’t agree on this one. I thought she lacked rhythm and soul.
I liked Louis Prima in the Coke commercial.
Missed that.
So has the audience always made the final decision re: the winner?
These local news people are so lame.
Yes, it’s always the audience.
I like this No Doubt tune. I think Stefani is pretty cool, rather unpretentious. Rather refreshing for a Diva.
I don’t like this performance or this guy’s vocals. No dice.
This is like a guy you’d be seeing at some second-rate Vegas lounge at 3 AM, when you don’t have enough energy to go back to the crap table. Wait! He’s getting better.
Well, we agree on the DICE!!! Hahahahhahahahaha 😀
Right on, Simon!
I’ll predict that we lose Phil this week. But what the hell do I know?
So who was the best performer of the evening?
I liked Lakisha, Gina, and Melinda.
Most memorable hairdo: Sanjaya!
Yeah, only because Phil covered his chrome dome.
I predict we lose–Blake (but that’s just wishful thinking).
Text your votes to 1-800-WHO-CARES
Okay Howard–get to work!
Amen!
Aw come on, Turkey!
It’s been fun!
I think I’ll start a new thread after tomorrow’s results.
Peace Out, Redhead!
I’ll be there!