The Nittany Turkey

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“What can I say?”

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So said Randy Jackson last night on American Idol, following the performance of Sanjaya Malakar, who now must be regarded as one of the potential finalists, albeit ludicrously so. Malakar, the favorite of 13 year-old girls everywhere, delivered a somewhat restrained—ok, let’s call it awful—performance, as he continues to prove each week that he does not belong on the same stage with even the worst of the other remaining contestants. To boot, he sported a new hairdo, a weird, Mohawklike thing that looked like seven feather dusters implanted in his cranium. In his insouciant banter with the so-called judges after his crappy performance he dubbed it a “Pony Hawk,” referring to the seven ponytails arranged in a a medial arc from his prefrontal cortex to his cerebellum.

So, why is this lovable yet marginally talented yo-yo continually left standing in spite of his continuing series of singing debacles? After all, he’s about as bad as William Hung, the UC Berkeley engineering student who quickly got the axe in 2004—at his audition. Sanjaya not only improbably passed the audition (tearfully, because his sister was cut there), but also should have never made it past the first week in Hollywood. The answer as to why he is still around rests in aging shock jock and perennial dickhead Howard Stern, who mentioned on his Sirius Radio show that everyone should vote for Malakar. This exercise no doubt at once paid egotistical dividends to Stern and Sirius as Sanjaya has been buoyed by the resulting votes, without which he would have been gone weeks ago. Last week he wasn’t even in the bottom three! This “vote for the worst” movement is picking up momentum and America is mindlessly voting with Howard Stern—like lemmings following each other over a cliff.

Simon Scowl parroted Randy when he said, “As Randy said, it doesn’t really matter what we say!” Truer words were never spoken.

Could this spell the end of American Idol? Hell, no—Fuller and Lithgoe are making too much money on the concept, flawed or not. They really don’t give a rat’s ass who wins or loses—or even who plays the game, or how it is played—as long as 30 million viewers tune in week after week. The Antonella Barba controversy, the Sanjaya controversy—any controversy—pumps up the numbers for the producers. They’re crying all the way to the bank.

If “the American Public” prefers to be a bunch of idiots, accepting the Gospel According to Howard as preached, then they deserve what they get. Why not bring back William Hung for this year’s final, in a star-studded sing-off with Sanjaya? A lot of American Public voters would get the choice they want and deserve.

(In case you didn’t know about it, Hung’s ridiculous rendition of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” was taped at his auditions and, unbeknownst to him, played back on one of those early shows that make fun of bad auditions. Hung, who is a sincere, industrious kid, but an awful singer, instantly gained a cult following among an appreciative American Public. In other words, they enjoyed making fun of him.)

OK, I’m done ranting about the assholatry of the American Lemmings and the associated moronosphere.

Melinda and Lakisha once again turned in the best performances last night. There’s no stopping those two. Alas, one of them is bound to be voted off early, especially if there’s a write-in campaign for William Hung, which is a crying shame. However, both will get recording contracts and both will do well in their post-Idol days, win or lose.

I am looking forward to Gwen Stefani’s performance tonight. After a couple of weeks of yesterday’s stars, who should instead be doing dinner theater in Boca, we finally get someone from today. I like Gwen. I hope that watching her perform on tonight’s results show will momentarily assuage the sting of seeing Sanjaya remain standing at the end of the show.

Comments

  1. The Redhead says

    I’m going to miss seeing Gwen since I won’t be able to watch tonight’s show. I look forward to your review.

    I’ve read some criticism that Melinda is so smooth that she’s getting a bit boring. I guess if one is looking for a major goof, that might be true. I can see the argument though.

    Until next time…

  2. The Nittany Turkey says

    It should be interesting tonight. I’ll be a monkey’s ass if Sanjaya is voted off. (To be a monkey’s ass at least I don’t have to pay for the one-way ticket to San Francisco.)

    —TNT

  3. The Nittany Turkey says

    Well, tonight Chris Sligh predictably bit the dust. Hey, if Meatloaf can have a successful music career, so can Chris. He has a nice voice, but his renditions of these songs for the past three weeks have been weak.

    The bottom three were Phil, Haley, and Chris. I’m glad we’ll be seeing Haley for another week.

    And, yes, Sanjaya was not in the bottom three. Hell, for all I know he was the top vote getter, so I won’t be a monkey’s ass.

    Gwen Stefani’s number was spirited, as always, with a full-sized troupe of dancers and musicians. This time, her girl dancers were Asian—the Harajuku Girls—but without blonde wigs. Gwen was joined by hip-hop artist Akon, who was wearing at least 40 pounds of bling around his neck. Gwen was there to promote her forthcoming Sweet Escape tour, which she’ll be doing with Akon and the Harajuku Girls, among others. She did the theme song from that tour, The Sweet Escape.

    —TNT

  4. The Redhead says

    Wow–sorry I missed Gwen!

    I’m not surprised about Sanjaya. On a news show tonight the host predicted Sanjaya would actually WIN the entire contest! If that does happen I believe it will be due to Stern and company. These sort of pranksters radiate the cynical and sniggering attitudes of immature high school and fraternity boys. I find it rather disrespectul to those on the show with legitimate talent. Too bad.

  6. The Nittany Turkey says

    I agree, by the way, that the notariety seekers enjoy screwing things up just because they can, but I think they’re more malicious than high school boys. They’re more like high school girls!

  7. The Redhead says

    Thanks for the link!

    School girls are too busy making life miserable for those in their gender.

    Just read that next week’s show will feature American standards and that Tony Bennett (!) will mentor the kids. That should be interesting!

  8. The Nittany Turkey says

    Tony Bennett is one of my all-time favorites, as is appropriate for a mafia don like me. I guess he’ll be promoting his Duets album. I can’t put these people into Tony Bennett songs, except for Melinda and Lakisha, who can sing anything and make it sound good.

    —TNT

  9. The Redhead says

    I love Tony Bennett, too. I’m looking forward to seeing what Sanjaya does with the standard he chooses. Yikes! It will be interesting to watch Bennett coach the kids.

  10. The Nittany Turkey says

    Hey, Red—I noticed that Wednesday’s results show was still on my Tivo, so I made a DVD of it for you. I’ll bring it to you tomorrow. It’s worth watching the Gwen Stefani segment.

    —TNT

  12. The Redhead says

    Hey Turkey,

    I may be a little late getting to “the games” tonight but I’ll be there!

    The Redhead

  13. The Nittany Turkey says

    Hmmm…”American Standards”…I guess we get to see just how versatile these people are. In my mind’s eye, both Melinda and Lakisha pass this test with flying colors, but I see the others struggling with it.

  19. The Nittany Turkey says

    Randy felt no passion, Paula thinks he’s a “young Frank Sinatra” but needs him to have more joy, and Simon wants to know which Frank Sinatra Paula is referring to, saying Phil sounded like someone singing in a funeral parlour.

  21. The Nittany Turkey says

    The audience responded heartily, and the judges agreed except that Simon thought that the first half of the song was “a little cabaret” but the second half was fun and the problem as Simon sees it is that they won’t ever be able to criticise Melinda.

  24. The Nittany Turkey says

    Randy said it was one of his best of the whole season. Paula liked it and she said it was so hip and so cool, and also thought it was his best. Simon thought it was very good, very believable.

    They’re fulla shit.

  25. The Nittany Turkey says

    On a Clear Day is a hard song. Jordin impresses me with her maturity for a 17 year-old. I think she displayed a lot of versatility in doing this number, unlike that wanker Chris. And she’s one helluva lot cuter.

  26. The Redhead says

    Okay, I didn’t miss Sanjaya!

    The judges liked Chris. I’m not a fan.

    I guess Jordin’s doing okay for Jordin. She seems really into though.

  27. The Redhead says

    I agree. She does seem to have a maturity about her that is very appealing.

    (Watch the mic feedback!)

  28. The Redhead says

    I do agree with Simon that she sang the song in a traditional way. I liked that though.

  29. The Nittany Turkey says

    Randy is loving that we’ve got some heat up here…says it’s da bomb. Paula says Jordin is a magnet of joy and she’s so fricking proud of her. Simon thought she sang it well, but didn’t achieve what Chris did before her in making it sound young and current. So, obviously, Simon is gay.

  36. The Redhead says

    That would go something like: Hit me with your best shot in San Francisco!

  39. The Redhead says

    I think she’s doing a good job with this song. It’s interesting to hear her doing a non-rock song.

  43. The Redhead says

    I don’t agree that Jordin was necessarily better.

    Oh wait…here he is!

  46. The Redhead says

    Say what you will about Sanjaya–the guy’s got moxie. He seems to really enjoy performing. But he’s a terrible vocalist. Terrible.

  50. The Redhead says

    I think Sanjaya will get the boot this week.

    (Admit it, Turkey, you’re gonna miss him when he’s gone.)

  74. The Redhead says

    She’s going flat on some notes. She could avoid that by cutting back on showing off.

  76. The Nittany Turkey says

    She started out shaky, but she’s doing well in the middle. A good clean-up performance. OK, so she’s up there with Melinda and Jordin. Nice ending.

  78. The Redhead says

    Why do Randy and Paula get to pontificate yet Simon gets to say, like, one sentence!?

  82. The Redhead says

    Okay, that’s it for me. I still have to cook a chicken loaf for tomorrow!

    Goodnight, Turkey. See you online tomorrow.

  85. The Redhead says

    Hey Turkey, I talked with someone today who says she “loves” Blake because he has a “good voice.” What do you make of this?

    See you at tonight’s smack-down. Sanjaya–you’re outta here!

    P.S. Note to Keith Richards: You’ve gone a bit too far this time.

  86. The Redhead says

    I just read that Tony Bennett won’t be appearing on AI tonight because he has a cold. Word is a Canadian singer, Michael Baebel (?), will fill in though that’s not official.

    🙁

  87. The Nittany Turkey says

    Oh, you mean Michael Bublé, no doubt. He’s big into the old standards. One of his big hits was “Save the Last Dance for Me,” originally by The Drifters. He has a pleasant voice with a smile in it, but he also employs some weird syncopation from time to time, which I no likee. I thought he was supposed to be doing one of the later weeks for Idol, but I guess they’re trying to press him into service as an emergency replacement.

    So, what’s going on with Keith Richards? Has his liver finally balked at his lifestyle, or what?

    —TNT

  88. The Redhead says

    LONDON – Off the cuff or up the nose? That was the question Wednesday as Keith Richards said he was joking when he described snorting his father’s ashes along with a hit of cocaine.

    “It was an off-the-cuff remark, a joke, and it is not true. File under April Fools’ joke,” said Bernard Doherty, a Rolling Stones spokesman, about Richards’ quote in NME magazine.

    But the magazine said on its Web site that the remark was “no quip, but came about after much thinking” by the 63-year-old guitarist.

    In the interview, Richards was quoted as saying: “The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father.”

    “He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared. … It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

    Richards’ father, Bert, died in 2002, at 84.

    In a statement posted on the Rolling Stones Web site, Richards said:

    “The complete story is lost in the usual slanting! The truth of the matter is that I planted a sturdy English Oak. I took the lid off the box of ashes and he is now growing oak trees and would love me for it!!! I was trying to say how tight Bert and I were. That tight!!! I wouldn’t take cocaine at this point in my life unless I wished to commit suicide.”

  90. The Nittany Turkey says

    That’s pretty funny! Good ol’ Keith.

    Why do people get highly offended about humor involving dead people. We all gotta go sometime! Yeah, yeah, I know—respect for the dead and all that.

    —TNT

  94. The Redhead says

    I thought Keith’s remark was funny, too. The thing is I can actually picture him doing it!

    I didn’t see Phil last night so the clip was new to me. Yikes!

  107. The Redhead says

    I really think Phil is going home this week.

    (Sorry about Blake. It’ll make my co-worker happy, though.)

  109. The Redhead says

    No, they need Haley for the sex appeal. Then again, there may be numerous young girls out there who are jealous.

  111. The Nittany Turkey says

    I think Phil needs to go home. We need to keep Gina and Haley for a while. But Gina can ditch the Vampirella makeup. The tongue stud is quite sufficient, thank you.

  113. The Redhead says

    I emceed a Police concert back in 1979. They were good…but I learned that I didn’t like Sting.

  114. The Redhead says

    I didn’t notice the fingernails.

    I can’t answer the quiz questions because I didn’t watch the show then.

  115. The Redhead says

    What a bummer about Tony.

    I’m going to pass on the CD though. I don’t want to hear him duet with Bono.

  116. The Redhead says

    This guy is pretty good. He’s kind of loose with his delivery. I like that. I like his voice.

    Suddenly, I’m a fan of…what’s his name again?

  119. The Redhead says

    I really like this singer…his baby face doesn’t really go with his tough guy attitude though.

  120. The Redhead says

    You’re kidding me? Bennett actually sings with Christina Aguilera?

    It’s that bad, huh?

  125. The Redhead says

    My favorite Bennett album is Green Dolphin Street. I have an original LP that my parents bought when I was a kid.

  126. The Redhead says

    Actually, I think the title of the album is When the Lights are Low or something like that.

  144. The Redhead says

    She’s singing this again?

    Well, that’s an appropriate tearjerker for this AI moment, isn’t it? Maybe there’s a part in a Judy Garland movie for her!

  149. The Redhead says

    I enjoyed it, Turkey! I look forward to meeting you on-line same time next week!

  151. The Redhead says

    I’m not sure what they’re doing next week. I’ll check the schedule and let you know.

    P.S. ER returns a week from tonight! Yay!!

  155. The Redhead says

    Here’s what’s on tap for next week’s Ido:

    Jennifer Lopez mentors the eight finalists on Latin music, then performs on Wednesday’s show.

    Sanjaya doing Latino? I don’t think so…

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