The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home 2008 Archives for August 2008

Archives for August 2008

Welcome Chandeliers!

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The opening game of the 2008 season will be played at Beaver Stadium on Saturday, as the Nittany Lions face the Coastal Carolina Chandeliers.

That’s a weird mascot—what do they do, hang it from the goal post crossbar? At least it lights up.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…it’s Chanticleers! Sorry. This old Turkey is dyslexic. OK, so what the hell is a chanticleer?

I didn’t know, so I went to that infallible source of Internet misinformation, Wikipedia. ??? ????? This is what I learned:

Chanticleer [is] a rooster appearing in fables surrounding the fables of Reynard the Fox. The most famous of these is probably Chanticleer and the Fox, a version of which is told in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.

Chanticleer
Chanticleer

I should brush up on my Middle English and read Chaucer. Geoff was quite a football fan in his day.

Chanticleer was also a character played by the forgettable Glen Campbell in a regrettable musical animated movie called Rock-A-Doodle. Apparently, it was about roosters.

I went on to read that the Chanticleer is also the mascot of Ord High School in Ord, Nebraska. ???? ??? ???? Clearly, both Ord High and Coastal Carolina wanted a unique mascot. ???? ?????? ??? Enough, already about the weirdly named rooster mascot. Suffice to say that this Turkey appreciates Penn State hosting another foul fowl.

And now, on to the actual business at hand.

I don’t really have much to say about the game itself because it is such a mismatch. Coastal is a middle-of-the-pack Division I-AA (I still call it that to avoid confusion, as that’s what most of you still call it) team playing in the Big South, which I had heretofore never heard of. Penn State is—well, Penn State. So, what I’ll do is give you some little known facts about Coastal Carolina, courtesy of their web site.

  • Current Coastal Carolina Athletic Director Warren “Moose” Koegel played offensive line for the Nittany Lions, where he was co-captain of the Nittany Lions his senior season, was a Third Team All-American as a senior and played on two Orange Bowl champion teams.
  • Senior quarterback William Richardson is the younger brother of former Penn State quarterback Wally Richardson (1992, 1994-96). Wally is now the Associate Director of Athletic Academic Services at the University of Georgia. (I wonder if William can throw the moon ball like Wally did.)
  • In its brief history of 56 games, the Chanticleers have yet to be shutout on the scoreboard, the longest current streak in the Big South Conference. In fact, Coastal Carolina’s lowest single game point total was in 2005 at Appalachian State, with just a lone field goal. (This streak might end. Soon.)
  • Sept. 2, 2006 marked the first game with the new seating capacity of Coastal Carolina University’s Brooks Stadium. The school added 914 seats to the facility to bring seating capacity up to 7,322 for the 2006 season. Now Coastal Carolina has completed ground work in preparation for full construction to start right after Christmas on the new Adkins Fieldhouse. (Hmmm…Beaver Stadium 15 times as many people. Hmmm…which leads to the next point…)
  • Today’s capacity at Beaver Stadium (107,282) is more than all of the attendance combined at all 11 games on Coastal Carolina’s 2007 schedule (93,231). As a matter of fact, the largest crowd that the Chanticleers have played in front of was at eventual national champion Appalachian State, when a then Kidd Brewer Stadium record 23,267 watched the Mountaineers get a 30-3 win.

And now, what you’ve all been waiting for: the first Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the fledgeling season. Yes, folks, it’s that time. This Turkey has no doubts as to the outcome of this game. Although the crystal ball was broken in a Turkey rage sometime around the third quarter of last season’s Michigan State game, it is still functional enough to predict this result. This is about as sure a thing as the last babe in the bar on a Friday night. I looked for a betting line and couldn’t find one. There won’t be one. Last year, the Nittany Lions played FIU on opening day and won 59-0. The result of this one is likely to be similar.

We’ll be back after the game with commentary by our guest reporter, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, Caitlin Upton.

Love Fest: Day 2

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Another day of watching rousing speeches on big TV from under the Nittany Turkey’s sofa inspires me to share my observations about the Democratic National Convention. Who am I? Why, I’m the Mouse Who Ate Xanax and I have political opinions. (As you all know by now, opinions are like assholes. We all have them, and they all stink—even furry little rodent asses.)

First of all, I found it interesting that the keynote speech, delivered by former Virginia governor Mark Warner, was moved out of prime time, a lateral arabesque similar to to the first night’s downplaying of the Carter Family. Over the course of the evening the reason for the time shift emerged. Apparently, Warner had been told to bash McCain, which he declined to do. Accordingly, he was deemed not worthy of prime time. It is unclear whether Warner’s speech was finalized before he was booted to the inferior time slot. Well, nothing is final until it is finished, and Warner could have changed the speech, but he didn’t. Good for him for sticking to his guns; bad for the Dems for marginalizing one of the party’s rising stars, one who could help give them a foothold in the crucial state of Virginia.

This little posturing and in-fighting crapola is typical of Democrat politicos. Beneath their easily seen through altruistic populist veneer lies a cutthroat desire to grab and hold control at the cost of alienating others of their kind. All the lip service paid to unification of the party in the past has been belied by the rifts within. Will this year be any different?

It might not matter. There was no love lost between John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson, yet they were able to run a successful campaign together (or separately, as it turned out).

Cherubic Governor Brian Schweitzer of Montana, originally third-billed speaker, took over the prime time, pre-Hillary speaking slot, firing up the audience with the prescribed dose of anti-McCain rhetoric. Apparently, that was the view of the party the Dems want to maintain. Schweitzer did the job quite well. He is important to the Dems because Montana is a typically Republican state.

The evening’s pièce de résistance, of course, was the speech of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York. ???????? The question on everybody’s mind, including this furry little rodent brain, was whether she could surmount the animosity and rivalry of the primary campaign and actually endorse Barack Obama for president. I think she accomplished that objective, but the speech was more about Hillary’s accomplishments than Obama’s. In fact, she never mentioned Obama’s. She gave a standard party line speech, touching on all the standard liberal hot button areas, saying how great it will be to take back America, bla bla bla, like only the Democrats can, for the sake of the workers, the minorities, the homosexuals, and, of course, the chilllllldren. She said she’ll feel the glow of the accomplishment when Obama signs a bill giving “affordable health care” to all Americans. Her thinly transparent purpose was to rally her supporters to vote for Obama—which was obviously what the party wanted. That she could attempt to accomplish her objective without lionizing Obama or playing up his qualification for the job was interesting, to say the least.

Frankly, as an honest mouse, I must say that this was the best speech I’d ever seen Hillary deliver. Will it do the job, “galvanizing” the much bandied about 18 million voters in Hillary’s camp? I don’t think so, at least not completely. A lot of Hillary supporters are pissed off that Hillary was subjected to the twin insults of being beaten by Obama and then passed over for the Vice President spot.

This speech tonight—this fine oration—might just serve to convince many Hillary supporters that the wrong candidate is representing the party. ?????? ??? She didn’t say anything new and she didn’t say anything about Obama. However, what she said, she said well. She had the audience; they were hers. Not all women are flaming, liberal, automatic Democrat voters. Some will think twice and some will cross party lines. Many Hillary supporters will harken back to her words from the primary campaign. This speech tonight didn’t capture many of those who are sitting on the fence, that’s for sure.

That brings us to tomorrow night, a night on which we’ll have the roll call vote and the potential for disruption by the Hillary supporters. That should be interesting. Even more interesting is the scheduled speech by former president Bill Clinton.

What will Clinton talk about? Whatever he wants. Originally, tomorrow night was supposed to have been national security night. The Democrats wanted Clinton to fit his speech into that subject area. He balked, saying he would speak about whatever he wanted to speak about. The convention organizers quickly caved, telling Clinton he could do it his way. Whatever that is should be interesting. We can only guess that it will be about the Clintons, because when the Clintons are involved it’s always about the Clintons!

The other featured speaker tomorrow night is Joe Biden, who will deliver his acceptance speech for the vice presidential nomination. This Mouse expects a typical, blow-hard Biden speech, with little interesting content.

On Thursday, the anointed one, Obama himself, will finally show up and deliver a speech at Invesco Field instead of from the podium at the convention. casino arab That way, the self-appointed savior can preach to more people—his people—than he could otherwise. It should be like one of those Billy Graham revivals in Yankee Stadium, albeit with appropriate shills in highly visible audience locations and on the central stage. I can hear it now: “Today… I’m the luckiest man on the face of the Earth…” Apologies to the late Lou Gehrig. Sorry. Anyhow, there will be a stage replete with ionic columns to make it look like the White House, and there will be fireworks. Oh, boy! Mouse joy! What an overblown spectacle it will be! Would Jimmy Carter approve? No one cares. This Mouse doesn’t, that’s for sure, being very happy to watch Democrats self-destruct, time after time.

I’m having great fun watching this thing while I drop little mouse turds under the sofa. Well, tomorrow night it will be diarrhea night in honor of Joe Biden’s verbal variety. Or maybe I should just smoke a cigar in symbolic appreciation of some of Slick Willie’s best Oval Office accomplishments. See you later!

Dem Follies: Night 1, plus McCain Veepstakes

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I am the mouse who ate Xanax, the Nittany Turkey’s political alter ego, and I have a few opinions.

I’m certain that The Redhead can hardly wait to read my take on the first night of the Democrat love fest in Denver. I enjoyed watching the posturing and posing, so I’ll tell you what I think. Those of you who know me will probably think my response is predictable. Indeed, my bullshit detector was glowing bright red and spinning round and round last night, so no surprise.

Yeah, I know. This is supposed to be a football column. But I can’t help bashing Democrats from time to time. After all, this is my only outlet. All my friends are either in total agreement with me or are too liberal to want to talk about any of this, regarding me as hopeless and stone-headed as they do all conservative thinkers. Or even conservative non-thinkers. I’m a retard. I admit it. Anyhow, first I’ll give you a few glib comments about last night’s People’s Convention and then I’ll move on to some vacuous rambling about the Right Honorable John S. McCain’s potential running-mate. (Or not.)

And now, my observations from my comfortable (albeit sometimes violently turbulent) home under The Nittany Turkey’s sofa.

[Cue the ominous sounding music, with lots of cellos.]

I found the Communist Party Convention pretty typical, particularly on the hypocrisy front. They are up there posturing that they’re people “just like you” and they (and only they) can relate to the po’ folks, yet they featured Teddy Kennedy with enough footage of him piloting his yacht to convince even the gravest doubter that Kennedy is a wealthy, wealthy man. McCain might have seven houses, but how many million dollar yachts does he have? Hey, how many houses do the Kennedys have?

Then, we had Sister Michelle preaching that she loves America not because of what Barack has accomplished but because of what it is, which was such a thinly transparent attempt to mitigate her stump speech gaffe that it was laughable. Similarly, her gratuitous mention of Hillary Clinton appeared to be inserted in hopes of galvanizing the Hillary holdouts. It was again transparent and almost laughable in its incongruity. I don’t think it galvanized anyone. She also was coached to mention the troops, although not in the context of actually being useful for fighting wars, because they should be here at home just in case the South rises again.

Jimmy Carter and wife Rosalynn were introduced and hustled off the stage before prime time began. That figures. The Dems don’t want that association hanging around to give Republicans ideas.

The big theme of Evening #1 was Health Care is My Right! Yeah, right. The Dems think they have one there. Everybody needs it, so why not just promise it so they can get elected and hold it over our heads for the rest of our lives. Yeah, like that’s really going to work. (It might—there are a lot of idiots out there who don’t take the time to see how badly diluted the health care system is in Canada or how government makes life or death decisions over people in Oregon,* for that matter—no matter how distorted a picture they get from that wacko left-wing dipshit, Michael Moore.) If you think health care is in a bad way now, just let the government increase its stake in the industry. Medicare has damn near destroyed the health care industry; treating health care as a universal entitlement would be the final torpedo, if in fact it is not already too far gone. This has to be the biggest reason not to elect Democrats.

Tonight, we’ll have Hillary. I wonder how she’s going to mask her jealousy and personal ambition in the hope of coming off as a sincere Obama backer. Or will she even bother? That will be fun to watch. (For me, anyhow.) I’m going to be laughin’ my ass off. It will be Hillarious.

I think the Dems are beatable. They have not taken a very serious turn to the center, which they needed to do to ensure that this election goes their way. Obama aside, Pelosi and all the other speakers at the convention are painting a very liberal picture. Too liberal. They’re hanging way the hell out there on the lunatic left fringe, which was exacerbated, not assuaged, by Obama’s choice of Biden. (I don’t know if choice is an appropriate word. From what I’ve read, the Biden camp pulled out all stops to chase that “choice.”) That will lose them some votes, because the electorate is typically right of center. (Misguided, as a certain friend of mine would say.)

The do-nothing, self-serving, obstructionist, vacation taking Congress managed by Pelosi and Reid should further nudge voters away from that nefarious socialist axis. But I digress.

Unfortunately, a large percentage of the electorate is either stupid, lazy, or self-centered and underachieving, and THAT is the Dems best hope!

[Cue the light, optimistic, airy music.]

And now, on to the GOP.

Obviously, McCain needs three things to win: 1) conservatives, 2) women, and 3) independents. There are a lot of undecideds at stake, women being a huge percentage of them. However, I do not think that McCain will select a female running mate. I pulled that straight out of my ass, just gut feel. Condi Rice probably is not on the short list, lest McCain stick his neck further out toward the contrived Bush 3 hatchet. (More transparency—some Karl Rove type in the Dem organization says the way to beat McCain is accuse him of being a Bush clone, so they work that into just about everything. It usually sticks out like a sore thumb.) I would really like to see a VP candidate who is young, conservative, and a governor. Three names that stick in my mind are Matt Blunt, Mark Sanford, and Bobby Jindal.  However, Jindal was the only governor of these three who went to the love fest at McCain’s ranch. Youth is essential–after all, McCain is 72.

Joe Lieberman? We’ve already got one quasi-Democrat at the top of the ticket. Why do we need another? We should be reaching out to the right. Furthermore, we don’t need another senator. Let the Democrats go down in flames with two senators. Let’s get someone with executive experience, someone who knows how to manage an organization, someone with a little business acumen—not just a blow-hard like Biden. I like Joe Lieberman, but he’s Al Gore’s VP candidate, not John McCain’s.

Charlie Crist and Mitt Romney both have some negative points. However, I think they’re both still in the running. Crist is getting married around the end of the year, which would lead me to believe that he’s probably got other things on his mind. But Florida is a crucial state in a presidential election, and the McCain machine knows it. Romney would “galvanize” the conservatives, but then there’s the Mormon issue. The fundamentalists don’t like the Mormon approach to life. Now, we have to have Christian wars while vetting candidates. Ridiculous!

All we know at this point is that it ain’t gonna be Madonna!

Nobody elects a Vice President. I think that under normal circumstances (viz. Reagan/Bush vs. Carter/Mondale) the importance of the selection tends to be overblown by the hyperanalytical media (after all, they need to generate ad revenue), whereas in other cases, for example a tight battle like Kennedy/Johnson vs. Nixon/Lodge, a good VP selection can win the election (along with some strong-arming in West Virginia and some dead people voting in Chicago). I think that this year’s election is close enough that the VPs come into play. Thus, I am hoping that McCain chooses well. We’ll know by the weekend.

_____

*In Oregon recently, a woman who required a $4,000 per month drug was turned down by the government, which advised her that assisted suicide was legal in the state and was therefore an option.