The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Election Wrap-Up

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In yet another game that was not as close as it looked, the mighty Democratic Asses defeated the ponderous, plodding Republican elephants 50-49. This turkey blames a shoddy game plan on the part of the losing team.

In a contest that was run by an incumbent with no positive accomplishments, it should have been easy to attack a predictably weak defense. However, the ‘Phants, intent on pleasing their hard-core fans, some of whom believe they get their orders from God, fragmented their plan. As it turned out, playing good, fundamental football was the least of their problems. It is hard to keep one’s eye on the ball when one has his jockstrap on backward and one of his rogue teammates decided to put some Ben-Gay in there for a joke.

Such is the way of the GOP of late, shooting itself in the foot. A schmuck who claims it is God’s will for a woman to get pregnant if she is raped could have been all that voters needed to hear from in order to run for the hills. Couple that with too much time and effort spent defending an eventually untenable position on gay marriage, and you have one completely fucked up situation.

There were no halftime adjustments, no squelching of the morons who kept cocking the trigger. While allowing the opposing captain to divide and conquer, the Elephants clung to their guns and their religion. They did not do the country any favors by dwelling on minor issues when the wheels were coming off the economy and the country’s future security and survival were the greater problem. The opposition knew that the short-sighted populace could be placated with some handouts, and by portraying the opposition as rich and evil, because like wild animals who are fed, handouts placate voters about issues too big for them to understand, anyway. Keep ’em poor and dumb down the public educational system to keep ’em stupid, and you’ve got easily manipulated masses. The home team fans bail on the home team and wind up rooting for the visitors. (From another planet? From another time? Or from Europe?)

During last night’s election results, my thirty-something, hot-looking, French babe cousin messaged me that she was excited for America and she was watching our election from outside Paris. I assumed that she was excited that Obama had won, but she said, no, that she was excited about watching our election process. She said that she probably wasn’t qualified to decide who would be the better candidate, but she liked Obama. Hell, yeah. He’s a likable guy, especially when one doesn’t have to be subjugated by him or have to look at his arrogant face as he lies to the subjugated public.

Later, she said, “I hate our president. He is a socialist!”

Well, there you have it. Even in the stagnant economies of Western Europe, which Obama would love to emulate, thinking people consider socialism a bad thing.

I really do think that the GOP needs to get its act together and understand how voters think, but it will be damn hard to  surmount the handout mentality. Damn hard? Damn near impossible. De Tocqueville said it best in 1835:

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world’s greatest civilizations has been 200 years.”

— Alexis de Tocqueville

So, now we have four more years of carefully plotted divisive rhetoric, increasing handouts, and perhaps another recession to deal with. Thanks, voters. You made your bed, now lie in it. I’m betting that three years down the line, you’ll have stopped caring about our bleak future because you’ve been placated by “free stuff.”

I deviated from the football metaphor because I was getting confused. But mainly what I want to say is that instead of dwelling on inconsequential crap like aboooooooorrrrrrrrrtion and gaaaaaaaaay marriage, we ought to be concerned about the survival of the country. The “free stuffers” don’t give a shit about the latter, so the rest of us have to. At the same time, we have to understand what makes the me-first mentality voters work. They loooooooooove their hot-button issues like “women’s rights” and “gay rights”, whatever the hell those things are defined as at any given moment. You even vaguely allude to an unpopular stance in those areas, and you’ll lose. Sorry, but let’s let government stay out of our lives. Abortion is legal and why should anyone give half a shit about who can marry whom?

I have one additional thing to add, but I didn’t write it. It came from a USMC blog and it was sent to me by a friend. ???? ??? ???? ????? It says a lot, and it does so better than this turkey could, so I present it below. Thanks for reading it, assuming that you’re open-minded enough to do so.

 

The Meaning of Yesterday’s Defeat

(U.S. is no longer a center-right country)

Yesterday was a comprehensive disaster. Here in Minnesota, to add a local perspective, not only did the state go for Obama–no surprise there–but the Democrats recaptured both houses of the legislature, and voters defeated two ballot initiatives, one on gay marriage and one on voter ID. Similar losses were sustained across the nation, although there were a few bright spots here and there. So yesterday’s defeat was not about a flawed presidential candidate or presidential campaign.

What lessons can we draw? To begin with, conventional political wisdom was upended in a number of ways. When a president runs for re-election, the campaign is a referendum on his performance; undecided voters break against the incumbent; it’s the economy, stupid. These and other familiar maxims can be consigned to the dustbin.

But there is a much more important proposition that, I think, was proved false last night: that America is a center-right country. This belief is one that we conservatives have cherished for a long time, but as of today, I think we have to admit that it is false. America is a deeply divided country with a center-left plurality. This plurality includes a vast number of citizens who describe themselves as moderates, but whose views on the issues are identical or similar to those that have historically been deemed liberal.

Decades ago my father, the least cynical of men, quoted a political scientist who wrote that democracy will survive until people figure out that they can vote themselves money. That appears to be the point at which we have arrived. Put bluntly, the takers outnumber the makers. The polls in this election cycle diverged in a number of ways, but in one respect they were remarkably consistent: every poll I saw, including those that forecast an Obama victory, found that most people believed Mitt Romney would do a better job than Barack Obama on the economy. So with the economy the dominant issue in the campaign, why did that consensus not assure a Romney victory? Because a great many people live outside the real, competitive economy. Over 100 million receive means tested benefits from the federal government, many more from the states. And, of course, a great many more are public employees. To many millions of Americans, the economy is mostly an abstraction.

Then there is the fact that relatively few Americans actually pay for the government they consume. To a greater extent than any other developed nation, we rely on upper-income people to finance our federal government. When that is combined with the fact that around 40% of our federal spending isn’t paid for at all–it is borrowed–it is small wonder that many self-interested voters are happy to vote themselves more government. Mitt Romney proclaimed that Barack Obama was the candidate of “free stuff,” and voters took him at his word.

The question is, can this vicious cycle ever be broken? Once we are governed by a majority that no longer believes in the America of the Founding, is there any path back to freedom and prosperity? The next four years will bring unprecedented levels of spending, borrowing and taxation. The national debt will rise to $20 trillion or more. When interest rates increase, as they inevitably must, interest costs will squeeze out other government spending. That might not be all bad, except that defense will go first. If Obama’s second term turns into a disaster, fiscal or otherwise, voter revulsion may return the Republicans to power. But that doesn’t mean that America will be saved.

To me, the most telling incident of the campaign season was a poll that found that among young Americans, socialism enjoys a higher favorability rating than free enterprise. How can this possibly be, given the catastrophic failure of socialism, and the corresponding success of free enterprise, throughout history? The answer is that conservatives have entirely lost control over the culture. The educational system, the entertainment industry, the news media and every cultural institution that comes to mind are all dedicated to turning out liberals. To an appalling degree, they have succeeded. Historical illiteracy is just one consequence. Unless conservatives somehow succeed in regaining parity or better in the culture, the drift toward statism will inevitably continue, even if Republicans win the occasional election.

This is not primarily the job of politicians, but politicians cannot escape it, either. I have been grumbling for a long time that Ronald Reagan was the last politician who made a real effort to teach the principles of conservatism to the American public. Since the 1980s, we have largely been coasting on his legacy. The prevailing assumption has been that America is a center-right country, and if Republican politicians run a good tactical campaign and get their voters to the polls, they will generally win. That strategy no longer works, and conservative politicians need to try much harder not just to appeal to conservative voters, but to help create new ones.

The stark question posed by the country’s unmistakable drift to the left is, does America have a future? Can we once again become a beacon of freedom, or will talented young Americans be forced to look elsewhere for opportunity? ??? ???? ????? ?? ??????? Barack Obama’s budget–the one that was too extreme to garner a single vote in either the House or the Senate–projects that in four years, we will have a $20 trillion debt. That debt will be paid off by a relatively small minority of our young people, the most productive. If you were in that category, and had to make a choice between staying in the United States and inheriting a debt that could well be $1 million or more, and starting fresh in another country, what would you do? And if you were an investor, where would you put your money? In the United States, where hopelessness reigns and where high unemployment and close to zero growth are now accepted as normal, or in a country with limited government and a dynamic, growing economy?

These are dark days, indeed.

And here’s one other that I received in today’s election comments from friends. This comes from a Wall Street friend of a friend:

I am not only mad but I am sad this morning, not for me but for our kids reference the results of last night’s elections. I feel I lost part of my soul. Like RAP music and Snowboarding, perhaps I am out of tune with America. I tried boarding and enjoy some RAP. ??? ????? But I am a skier and rocker.

Life as we or at least I knew and understood it is over. We are quickly slipping into a Western European economy. Less kids, higher taxes, less healthcare, more regulation, greater government dependency, a poorer upper and middle class and less hope. Italy and France have zero population growth, 40% of their 30 year-olds live at home, and they have one car, no A/C, and no dryer at home. Go figure. That’s what we want? Wait. We have iPhones and cable. Maybe that’s enough.

We have officially lost the traditional American values associated with hard work, success and entrepreneurism. Success is becoming demonized versus admired. The new immigrants are not like the old. The new immigrants take from the melting pot, versus adding to the melting pot.

To think how hard we work and sacrifice and to see that we will be asked to give more for less and be demonized by those who accept living on the dole infuriates me. To see we will be over-regulated and over-governed upsets me. To feel embarrassed for being independent and successful is incomprehensible for me, as that was the American Dream. I’m lost in my own country.

This is the beginning of the downfall of capitalism. We have shifted from JFK’s “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” to Obama’s welfare state and the Western Europeanization of America. As Ronald Reagan said, we are just a generation away from losing our freedom. Please never forget that.

My only hope is that I am so correct that in the next four years things will deteriorate so badly economically that perhaps it will wake up the masses and we can focus on the key backbone of this wonderful economic machine: capitalism and free enterprise.

It is through those successes that the rights and option of liberty have been provided to the people. However, the people seem to have forgotten what fed those freedoms. A downfall is our last hope, before we cross the fiscal cliff and can never claw back. And we need a Reagan-like communicator to sound the alarm.

Our party must wake up and stop involving women’s rights and focus on the economic machine that improves all lives, liberties and the pursuit of happiness. This is the key reason why we lost. In addition, we are seen as racist, yet 33% of Caucasians vote for a black man. But the fact that 95% of blacks vote for a Black man versus a white man is not racist. Ok!? Hypocrisy by the media.

I feel like that American Indian in that great 1970’s commercial who, wearing a beautiful headdress and riding his horse, stumbles onto a garbage pile. A tear runs from his eye as he realizes the sad extent of his lost homeland. Like the loss of the natural beauty of this country for that Indian, we have lost the wonderful basis and values of what built America, which allowed us to obtain all these wonderful things and opportunities for all. Today’s election for me, is similar to that American Indian stumbling onto the garbage suddenly forced to accept that his worst fears have become realities.

Do I Feel Guilty? Gimme a Break!

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If you’re expecting this to be about football, sorry. It isn’t. Occasionally, I’m inspired to write by events not involving football or Jerry Sandusky in his pretty red prison coveralls. Today, the Turkey gets involved once again in consumerism, and why I don’t feel sorry for some local vendors when Amazon kicks the crap out of them until they yell “UNCLE!”

A Sale of Two Kayaks

The Turkey catches a few Zs in his kayak.
Wake me when it’s over.

Our story begins in the sweltering Central Florida summer, when those of us who love the outdoors are driven inside by the insane heat, humidity, and the naked Rainbow People in the woods. (I know, I know. Global warming is a bitch, and, being a doubter, I suppose I’m getting my share of Climate Change Karma.) During one of these long, steaming, soporific, summer Sundays, Artificially Sweetened and this Turkey hatched a plan centering on kayaking in order to give us an alternative to hiking that was better suited to the season and the aging Turkey’s joints.

The first thought was to get a tandem kayak from Merritt Supply for wholesale marine supply. We rented one at the local state park, a lumbering Wilderness Loon. It was great fun paddling up and down the Wekiva river, even though we frequently got on each others’ cases about who was supposed to be steering and who was supposed to be paddling when, on which side, and how. ??? ???? Nevertheless, with that experience behind us, we knew that we could handle this. So we set out to find us a tandem.

We looked in catalogs, on the Internet, and at a few local outfitters’, finding a few viable candidates, pricing them, and vowing to take some test rides. ???? ??????? At one respected outfitter, we were given some contrary advice. “You don’t want a tandem, ” said the bearded guy I’ll call SuperFly (for he was the store’s expert on fly fishing). “Tandems are divorce boats.”

We briefly considered his words, looked at each other, and realized that it could easily come to a crew of two being a critical mass — one too many, on any given Sunday. SuperFly was right. We decided to go for two individual boats, and all indications past and present pointed to the Wilderness Pungo, a recreational kayak noted for its stability and comfort, if not its speed. What the hell, we were wanting to handle the docile waters of the Central Florida lakes and rivers, not taking long distance, multi-day touring cruises or battling white water. Fitting my fat ass into a cockpit was important. I didn’t want to do a sit-on-top—they’re even slower and heavier—so, my research concluded that the Pungo was the right boat. We arranged a test drive of a 12′ and a 14′ version on a local lake.

I was pleasantly surprised that the 14′ Pungo could move right along. AS had the 12′ boat and she was similarly impressed. After trying one more boat, just for the hell of it, we solidified our stance. “Write it up,” we told the guy who patiently waited for us on the shore as we happily paddled around the lake, not really wanting to give him back his damn boats. We eventually made it back to the store where I signed on the dotted line. Two Pungos at manufacturers’ suggested retail price. No negotiating, no haggling. I just wanted my boats.

However, there was one twist. AS and I had some specific colors in mind. After all, why put all those pretty colors in the catalog if you don’t want people to buy them? So, I ordered a 14-footer in “mango” for me, and a 12-footer in “light blue” for AS. The sales guy, whom I’ll call Sterling because that is his name, said that he would note those preferences for the boat buyer, a person I’ll call ma belle (because her real name is Michelle), who would call me to confirm that they had been ordered and all was well.

However, when Michelle finally did call me, all was not well. They would order the colors, but they would have to tack on a freight charge from the factory in North Carolina. I guessed that it would be at least $50 per boat. I said, “How about waiving the freight charge. I’m paying list price for the boats. Work with me here.” She said that she would call me back.

When she did, she had nothing to add. I’d still pay the freight. That’s the way it was. I balked. “Michelle, you just cost yourself a sale,” I said. I told her that I had briefly glanced at the REI on-line site, where the boats were heavily discounted. “She retorted that REI might not have the colors I wanted because the boats they were selling were last years’ end-of-year closeouts. But I had not even begun to explore the available deals. Now, I was impelled to. “Please cancel the order and issue a credit for my deposit,” I said with an air of finality.

Michelle — and her boss, assuming she discussed it with him — cost their store a lot of money with that dumb move. Sure, they’re entitled to their profit, and sure, I’m happy that there is a local dealer to which I can turn for information about things I could almost as easily find on-line, although not with the personal touch and business relationship building. On the other hand, my research revealed some pretty damn compelling reasons to buy the kayaks via the Internet.

To cut a long story short, I found that Austin Kayak in Austin, Texas was advertising the same boats for $780 each, as opposed to the MSRP’s of $849 and $949, respectively, for the Pungo 120 and 140. In Helen Reddyesque terminology, this was a difference too big to ignore — a saving of $238 right off the bat. Furthermore, the sales tax saving would be another $107. And as if that ain’t enough, Austin Kayak was offering free shipping at the time. So, whatever the shipping charges would have been F.O.B. North Carolina can be added to what I saved. Let’s call it an even $450 savings by going out of town. And one more thing. Austin Kayak gave me 15% off of any single item (with some restrictions) I bought within a couple of months of the kayak purchase. With decent paddles going for $400 or thereabouts, this 15% would come in handy. Werner Paddles was not one of the restricted vendors. Turkey happy.

Ahhh, but the local dealer did not just lose the sale of two kayaks. They lost my goodwill. If the kayaks were the last damn thing I wanted to buy from them or if that purchase was an isolated bit of business in a vacuum, it would be no big deal, and the story would end with both me and them happy. I saved $450 and they didn’t have to let go of the death grip on their anal sphincter.

As it turned out, it wasn’t an isolated bit of business. I needed to be able to carry the boats to launching points, so I purchased roof rack equipment for carrying a pair of kayaks. Had the schmucks at the local high-end retailer not been such tightwads, I would have spent the money with them for the roof rack stuff, too. But, nah, I couldn’t get over the foul aftertaste of “failure to budge”. The local retailer sucked. I would go elsewhere for the roof rack and boat hauling hardware, which wound up costing $700. Total business the local high-assed retailer lost thus far: $2,500. It’s starting to add up.

When I decided to think of putting the boats on a trailer to save my aching back, I went straight to Austin Kayak. They were selling the Yakima Rack and Roll 66 trailer for $1,934, marked down from $2,149. That seemed to be in line with what other discounters were getting for it, so I pulled the trigger on the deal. Austin Kayak gave me free shipping via FedEx Ground, and the damn unassembled trailer was here in three days. The local retailer be damned!

Just to be fair, I wanted to check the local guys’ website to make sure I got a better deal on the trailer at Austin Kayak. Turns out that the local guys’ price was the same as Austin Kayak’s: $1,934. Well, well well. I wouldn’t be saving the sales tax, because the State of Florida collects on the sale price when you eventually do want to register the vehicle for  use on the roads. Would I have bought it from the local outfitter had I known that the price was the same and the sales tax would be moot? Answer: No. Why? Because I’m driven away by companies who don’t value my business.

The trailer hitch — that’s another $1,500 of business for someone, in this case, my BMW dealer. Mounting the hitch involves other subsystems, particularly the back-up camera, so I didn’t want to give the job to just anyone. The local outfitter could have steered us to partner who does hitches, but probably I would have been more comfortable with the BMW service department. I’ll still count this as $1,500 of potential business loss for the target of this article.

So, how much flew out the window just because one woman decided to hold the line on my initial kayak order? If you’ve followed me right along, In nice, round numbers, the total loss of business to TCO was $6,000 — oh, wait! I took Austin Kayak up on its 15% deal, so I got the Warner paddle. So, that’s another $400 I could have spent at either store, but I didn’t! $6,400 plus the potential value of my future big-ticket items is not serious money to TCO, I suppose.

Oh, wait! I blurted out the name of the retailer. Mah bad!

I might as well spell it out for you now: Travel Country Outdoors. They have been venerated and rightly so for many years by the community and their customers because of their amassed knowledge, their willingness to spend time with customers as needed, and in general, going above and beyond . ???? ????? ????? ?? ??????? I continue to shop there for minuscule items and for cheap-ass accessories. Not the kind of business they want? So sue me.

I was going to write TCO a letter telling them how obnoxious it is to decline all my present and future business, but they’re grown-ups and presumably, they can handle the heat generated by their policies. I wouldn’t expect more than five minutes of some lower-level operative’s attention to this email, so what might the net-net be? Here, I can expostulate for the public. Even if I lose, I win. I can go back to Austin Kayak if TCO gives me another snub.

This is not to say that there is a hard and fast formula for regaining my business, but it all starts with communications. By the way, those people at Austin Kayak are nice and a pleasure to deal with.

Wake up and smell the coffee, TCO. I want to keep on doing business with you, but it is impossible unless I can find some price flexibility — like, after I’m re-elected, I’ll have more flexibility. In the meanwhile, I hope you read this passive-aggressive rant and take heed.

Time for bed.

Farewell, Little “Dirty” Alexis

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This week, as Washington continues its sleight of hand smokescreen to convince us that the old conundrum, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you” is not a joke, the mindless American Idol pseudo-entertainment is shifted forward one day, having been pre-empted by an Obama double-barreled Teleprompter extravaganza. As this Mouse watches a corrupt Congress (and he means both sides of the proverbial aisle) snatch up all his cheese, past, present, and future, steamrolling legislation that even our esteemed president seems powerless to modify, let alone thwart, because the big cheese, Nancy Pelosi, has his walnuts firmly in her leonine, socialist grasp with the the omnipresent tacit threat to squeeze them, a veritable Sword of Damocles, as it were, Mighty Mus must mollify his anxiety with the inane drivel of good old Idol.

Hey, this Mouse just realized something. We have three, not two, nights of mindless entertainment this week! Yea, verily, we have amateur night in Washington on Tuesday night, as our earn-while-you-learn president takes the podium and flawlessly delivers a smooth rendition of that old song, Oy, Have I Got a Bridge to Sell Ya! Wednesday and Thursday, we have the ascendent descendents of the contestants on the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour competing to see who can be the next overhyped, mildly talented entertainer to grace the airwaves and our iPods. It’s all consistently bad entertainment, and this Mouse refuses to let it frustrate him. Obama and the other 10 contestants trying to either win or lose America’s hearts, if not its money, are there for our enjoyment.

Obama and congress are performing a magician’s act with your money, folks, and you don’t even know that it’s happening. Now you see it, now you don’t. Behind that curtain is my predecessor; it’s all his fault. ??? ????

Moving right along, a recap of last week’s result show festivities is in order. It was essentially country boredom time as a few country artists hawked their latest CDs, but who the hell cares about that. The results were what we had to wait for through all that, which of course was like Guantánamo torture (by which this Mouse means merely sending little Ali to bed without his cookies and milk, which is only defined as torture by the ACLU and Pelosi, if she’s looking to create a smokescreen for her own heavy-handed malfeasance). Oh, wait. Idol. [Yes, focus, Mouse. You’re so easily distracted by your quasi-political reveries! Have a glass of MUScatel and settle down! –Ed.]

OK, so throughout the results show, we had the usual cliff-hangers, with every contestant being made to stand up and shit in his or her pants as they are dragged through every mistake they made and the further torture (there’s that word again!) of being subjected to another round of comments by the so-called judges. Ryan Seacrest and the producers’ favored torture technique this season is standing up two contestants and, after suitably busting their balls (or ovaries, for you politically correct, anachronistic Women’s Libbers) by reciting the previous day’s ill-tempered assessments by Simon Cowell, asking the judges to state which one of the two should stay and which one should go. Of course, this is filler material, as “America” has already voted at that point and the results are already known to everybody but the (hopefully) Ford-buying, Coke-swilling  audience.

The “Judges’ Save” is a new concept this year, and it would come into play for the first time during this results show. Recall that the judges can save one contestant who is voted off the show by the popular vote. They can only do this once per season; after they save someone, they’ve shot their proverbial wad. Furthermore, they have to be unanimous in their ass-saving decision.

Poor little Alexis, who suffers from Tiny T & A Syndrome (TTAS), enough of a handicap in Hollywood already, was on the bubble last Wednesday night, as America voted and left her with the short straw. However, as she stood with Michael Sarver for the pre-result ball-breaking ceremony, the judges said that they had conferred and they had agreed to give one of the two an opportunity for a save if that particular individual was voted off by America. As it turned out, that meant Alexis, and she was indeed the one voted off. Seacrest told her to sing her ass off for the tribunal, who would then decide her ultimate and indelible fate.

The net-net: we’re short one blonde. Or short one short blonde. Whatever. No huge loss.

This week, the remaining ten contestants get to tackle Berry Gordy’s Motown sound. ???? ?????? Accordingly, one would expect the schvartzes to do well (this Mouse speaks Yiddish almost as well as Jackie Mason). However, there is only one of them, Lil Rounds. Do not fear, because Danny Gokey can do white boy soul pretty damn well. What the hell will Adam Lambert do?  That’s always the big question from week to week, and that is why he’s going to win this damn thing hands down! ??? ???? ????? ?? ???????? He’s a showman, versatile and full of surprises. Not one of the other nine contestants can hold a candle to him. It should be pretty funny, though, to see Michael Sarver sing R&B, which in his vocabulary probably stands for “rigs and beer.”

And, then, there’s the delightfully endowed, tattooed Megan Joy, who brings great joy to my tiny mouse loins. A few more weeks for this blonde, please. This Mouse deserves it, after having to put up with the crappy magician’s act in Washington.