This week, as Washington continues its sleight of hand smokescreen to convince us that the old conundrum, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you” is not a joke, the mindless American Idol pseudo-entertainment is shifted forward one day, having been pre-empted by an Obama double-barreled Teleprompter extravaganza. As this Mouse watches a corrupt Congress (and he means both sides of the proverbial aisle) snatch up all his cheese, past, present, and future, steamrolling legislation that even our esteemed president seems powerless to modify, let alone thwart, because the big cheese, Nancy Pelosi, has his walnuts firmly in her leonine, socialist grasp with the the omnipresent tacit threat to squeeze them, a veritable Sword of Damocles, as it were, Mighty Mus must mollify his anxiety with the inane drivel of good old Idol.
Hey, this Mouse just realized something. We have three, not two, nights of mindless entertainment this week! Yea, verily, we have amateur night in Washington on Tuesday night, as our earn-while-you-learn president takes the podium and flawlessly delivers a smooth rendition of that old song, Oy, Have I Got a Bridge to Sell Ya! Wednesday and Thursday, we have the ascendent descendents of the contestants on the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour competing to see who can be the next overhyped, mildly talented entertainer to grace the airwaves and our iPods. It’s all consistently bad entertainment, and this Mouse refuses to let it frustrate him. Obama and the other 10 contestants trying to either win or lose America’s hearts, if not its money, are there for our enjoyment.
Obama and congress are performing a magician’s act with your money, folks, and you don’t even know that it’s happening. Now you see it, now you don’t. Behind that curtain is my predecessor; it’s all his fault. ??? ????
Moving right along, a recap of last week’s result show festivities is in order. It was essentially country boredom time as a few country artists hawked their latest CDs, but who the hell cares about that. The results were what we had to wait for through all that, which of course was like Guantánamo torture (by which this Mouse means merely sending little Ali to bed without his cookies and milk, which is only defined as torture by the ACLU and Pelosi, if she’s looking to create a smokescreen for her own heavy-handed malfeasance). Oh, wait. Idol. [Yes, focus, Mouse. You’re so easily distracted by your quasi-political reveries! Have a glass of MUScatel and settle down! –Ed.]
OK, so throughout the results show, we had the usual cliff-hangers, with every contestant being made to stand up and shit in his or her pants as they are dragged through every mistake they made and the further torture (there’s that word again!) of being subjected to another round of comments by the so-called judges. Ryan Seacrest and the producers’ favored torture technique this season is standing up two contestants and, after suitably busting their balls (or ovaries, for you politically correct, anachronistic Women’s Libbers) by reciting the previous day’s ill-tempered assessments by Simon Cowell, asking the judges to state which one of the two should stay and which one should go. Of course, this is filler material, as “America” has already voted at that point and the results are already known to everybody but the (hopefully) Ford-buying, Coke-swilling audience.
The “Judges’ Save” is a new concept this year, and it would come into play for the first time during this results show. Recall that the judges can save one contestant who is voted off the show by the popular vote. They can only do this once per season; after they save someone, they’ve shot their proverbial wad. Furthermore, they have to be unanimous in their ass-saving decision.
Poor little Alexis, who suffers from Tiny T & A Syndrome (TTAS), enough of a handicap in Hollywood already, was on the bubble last Wednesday night, as America voted and left her with the short straw. However, as she stood with Michael Sarver for the pre-result ball-breaking ceremony, the judges said that they had conferred and they had agreed to give one of the two an opportunity for a save if that particular individual was voted off by America. As it turned out, that meant Alexis, and she was indeed the one voted off. Seacrest told her to sing her ass off for the tribunal, who would then decide her ultimate and indelible fate.
The net-net: we’re short one blonde. Or short one short blonde. Whatever. No huge loss.
This week, the remaining ten contestants get to tackle Berry Gordy’s Motown sound. ???? ?????? Accordingly, one would expect the schvartzes to do well (this Mouse speaks Yiddish almost as well as Jackie Mason). However, there is only one of them, Lil Rounds. Do not fear, because Danny Gokey can do white boy soul pretty damn well. What the hell will Adam Lambert do? That’s always the big question from week to week, and that is why he’s going to win this damn thing hands down! ??? ???? ????? ?? ???????? He’s a showman, versatile and full of surprises. Not one of the other nine contestants can hold a candle to him. It should be pretty funny, though, to see Michael Sarver sing R&B, which in his vocabulary probably stands for “rigs and beer.”
And, then, there’s the delightfully endowed, tattooed Megan Joy, who brings great joy to my tiny mouse loins. A few more weeks for this blonde, please. This Mouse deserves it, after having to put up with the crappy magician’s act in Washington.
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The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Tough night for Idol…big hockey game, big basketball game, and Redhead has to work.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Paula looks like she’s dressed for a tea party for five year-olds.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Crinoline?
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Smokey Robinson and Berry Gordy in da house.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
We’re doing the history of Motown.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Matt’s going to do Let’s Get It On.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
He’s still too white for this and he’s trying too hard, making a bombastic performance out of it. Let’s see what the so-called judges say.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Randy: you set this of on a tone, dude, but that run that you did at the end, you challengin for da top spot
Kara: you got up and got out of your shell – solid performance
Paula: showed a sexy cool vibe – his riffs are not overdone
Simon: brilliant choice of song – a cool performance – voice suits song – Matt is one of the front runners
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Kris is on deck, will do his thang after the break.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Kris gon’ sing How Sweet It Is. Two Marvin Gaye songs so far.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Smokey was impressed working with Kris.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
This Mouse is not impressed. He’s got a good voice. He plays the guitar. But he’s a white boy singing an old soul song and it shows.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
And the judges say:
Kara: what she loves about it is that he didn’t do James Taylor, he didn’t do Marvin Gaye, he did Kris
Paula: it’s nice that you’ve come into your own
Simon: thought it was smart that he did his own version of the song, but he’s got to start developing confidence in himself – “To be a star, you’ve got to be conceited.”
Randy: it’s all good right now, baby. It’s all good.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
End of first period. Pittsburgh 1, Calgary 0.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Scott the blind boy is next.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Scott gon’ do You Can’t Hurry Love, by the Supremes. Smokey said, “I have no negative comments about Scott.”
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
He’s using the piano. The piano work is better than the vocal. He’s got three “Supremes” singing backup.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
I think it’s a piano bar performance.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
And now, the so-called judges:
Paula: I think that you pleased both Simon and I – by putting the singers there with the piano you added a whole dimension
Simon: Oh, dear. There was a line in the song when you said “how much more can you take” – honky tonk piano – background singers were a mess – it was the wrong song for Scott – I think you’re better than that – week after week, you’re choosing the wrong song
Randy: I don’t agree with Simon often, BUT…it was kind of a hotel kind of performance – just very average
Kara: he brought tempo tonight, finally — but took liberties with the melody, but when you do that you have to nail it and you didn’t
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Paula just gave Simon a box of crayons and a coloring book, because he was getting on her nerves like a small child.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Megan up next. Gon’ do Stevie Wonder. Meanwhile, Simon is applying a purple crayon to Paula’s face.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Well, it’s not REAL Stevie. She’s singing For Once in My Life. Smokey says she’s “different” — I think he likes her ass.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
She’s got a big brass orchestra. This is very Broadway. Unfortunately, she’s all over the place pitchwise. It’s horrible, so I better get my contingent last looks at her.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
She’s like yelling more than singing.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Now, the pseudo-judges:
Randy: dude, that song was a train wreck…so bizarre…needed to slow it back to get your jazzy thang going
Kara: My Guy would have been a better song — bad notes all over the place — the phrasing was weird — song was dominating you
Paula: Your stunning beauty just takes my breath away BUT I’m gonna have to agree
Simon: Oh, dear. Megan, the good news is that you look good and the bad news is that it was horrible. She should fire whoever is advising her. She could be in serious trouble after tonight’s performance.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
At least the colors of her dress match the tattoo this time.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Anoop is next. Magic 36, Celtics 28.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Anoop gon’ sing “Ooh, Baby Baby” — so Smokey is all excited. Smokey says, “Don’t change a thang.”
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Anoop’s doing it to strings. He’s got those Supreme babes backing him up. He’s a little flat. Unfortunately, he’s trying to do Smokey and he ain’t Smokey. Adam would “make this song his own”, but Anoop can’t. It’s getting better, but it’s still amateurish and a bit cloying. I give it the IS rating.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
The judges speak:
Kara: very hard song to do – a pretty good job – you can sing – push it more and be creative
Paula: I want to see more confidence – phrasing, delivery, and falsetto are spot on and sweet
Simon: great vocal but you looked like you were half asleep – it was a little bit like someone singing it in a musical but you gotta do more – you’ve had two good weeks in a row and you’re getting there.
The Redhead says
How’s it going, Sir Mouse? I’m still at the bookstore but am looking forward to reading your comments later. I’m going to be here late.
I’m listening to David Amran sing–he’s pretty amazing. When you can, check out that Wikpedia link I sent you. This guy is the real deal (something all those Idol contenders will never likely be).
See you tomorrow evening for the elim round!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Michael Sarver in da house. He didn’t get to make the trip to Detroit because he had da flu. But Smokey came out to da house. He’s gonna do I’ve Heard a Cryin’ Man by the Temptations. Smokey told him that it was a little weak…pound it a little….dis yo last chance wit yo woman…lay it out
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
I mean Please Don’t Leave Me Girl. He’s singin like a constipated white boy wearing torn jeans and he ain’t moving me.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Judges:
Paula: Well, um. Oh, boy. It kinda felt old Las Vegas loungey to me. You need to be dominating that song. I’m sorry Michael.
Simon: Michael, look. It was —ahh, I couldn’t wait for it to end. You were screaming and shouting the song. You have no chance of winning the competition.
Randy: It’s an unbelievable song but it was too big for you. You’re not an R&B kind of dude.
Kara: At this point, it’s not about singing, it’s about artistry. What we’re looking for is someone who takes a song and makes it their own.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Magic 47, Celtics 39, end of first half.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Lil Round coming up next. This gonna be a good week for her, as I mentioned above in my Pullitzer Prize winning article.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Maybe she’ll do Lil Rounds sings the Barney Frank Songbook.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Lil gon’ do Heat Wave. Smokey says she could sing the phone book.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
She’s got a set of pipes on her. She does credit to the song we all know so well because it was overplayed in 1964. She’s rocking the house. This is her thing. Give or take a couple of flat notes, she’s better than Martha Reeves.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
And now, the assholes:
Randy: So, listen. Ha ha. Lil Rounds, what’s goin down baby. Wasn’t the right kind of song for you. Need a little bit more space in the bars. Up-tempo songs are not good for you.
Kara: This is your week. If you don’t nail this week… I don’t think it was the right song. It was screaming at certain parts.
Paula: I disagree completely with these two. You look unbelievable. You didn’t change anything musically, but I think you own that song.
Simon: What you did tonight was an authentic tribute to Motown, but I wouldn’t have chosen that song. Too fast. It was authentic, but you are one of the best singers we have in this competition. I’m dying to see you do what you did a few weeks ago where you just blow everyone away. You can’t do it with that song.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Adam up next. No change in hockey or basketball scores.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Let’s get this over with so I can watch some sports. Adam’s doing The Tracks of My Tears. Smokey said he never heard it done like dat. Adam kep it tinder and sweet, and he was very proud of Adam’s interpretation.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Adam is dressed up with his hair slicked back. Kinda looking like a cross between Wayne Newton, Rick Nelson, and Elvis. This ain’t his song, though. He’s doing a lot of falsetto. He’s doing it with a string bass, an acoustic guitar, and a hand drummer. It was weird, but I liked it! He showed another dimension.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
The dickheads:
Kara: One of the best performances of the night.
Paula: bla bla bla I love the clean look, no nail polish tonight…blablabla
Simon: It was THE best performance of the night. You were able there to sum up everything we were trying to say tonight about originality, etc., etc. Tonight, for me, you have emerged as a star.
Randy: Tonight, you showed that you’re not just an indy kind of cool rocker. you pulled out everything in your arsenal. You’re hot.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Danny Gokey is next. Magic 61, Celtics 50.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Danny gon’ sing Get Ready. Doesn’t look like Smokey is too impressed.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Aside from the absurdity of a bespectacled white boy singing Smokey, he ain’t half bad. Problem is the other half ain’t all that good. Look, let’s face it. Adam has won this thing already, unless someone really can stand out. No one is threatening to, including Danny, who has done a halfway credible job here.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Judges:
Paula: you give a first class performance every week
Simon: that was clumsy and amateurish
Randy: You remind me of the great Levi Stubbs. Wasn’t your best performance
Kara: Loved your personality tonight. Was good, not great.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
16 year-old Allison is next. Magic 66, Celts 54.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Allison gon’ sing Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Allison screwed it up when she worked with Smokey. I dunno. I ain’t hooked inta dis. Kinda sucks.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Good ending note, though.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Randy: Yo, Allison. You might be 16 buy you one of the dopest singers in this thing.
Kara: You singing like you been singing for 400 years.
Paula: (who now has a crayoned moustache) you kep your rock edge…you belong in the competition
Simon: you are a survivor. This was one of your best performances.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
OK, so goodnight. Hockey and basketball time.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
I’d say Michael or Megan will bite the dust.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Tomorrow night, Smokey, Joss Stone, Ruben Studdard, and Stevie Wonder will appear on the results show.
The Redhead says
Okay, Sir Mouse. You missed my comment above at the top of the second half. I enjoyed your play-by-play, especially the quotes of the judges–very funny stuff!
It sounds like Megan is the goner. I’m looking forward to the recaps tomorrow evening and I will see you then!
The Redhead says
Well, The Redhead is now in the house but it looks like I’m here all by myself 🙁
I’ll try to carry on.
Rueben is now singing. He seems like a nice guy but hasn’t had much of a singing career since winning a few seasons back.
The Redhead says
Adam is safe. Of course, he is! I watched his performance from last night on You Tube today. Great stuff.
Matt is now in the bottom three. Uh oh.
The Redhead says
Chris is safe. He keeps saying, “every week.” Don’t jinx yourself, dude.
The Redhead says
Lil’ is safe.
Michael, not so lucky. Only one more chair left in the Bottom Three now.
Now we go to a dumb commercial. Hit the “mute” button.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
It’s Kris, as in Kristofferson, and I’m late. I thought this drivel started at 9. I’ll catch up with the DVR and be here in a few minutes.
The Redhead says
I thought that might have been the case!
Glad you’re here!
The Redhead says
Okay, we’re back. Joss Stone is singing. She’s no longer blonde (I liked her better that way).
Here’s Smokey Robinson. He’s an old guy now. He’s not sounding too good. This duet isn’t working.
The Redhead says
I’m going to go out on a metaphorical limb here and bet that Megan will be in the bottom three soon. I meant to catch her performance on You Tube today. It’s gotten a lot of bad reviews.
The Redhead says
I just thought of a singer I hope they never have on AI: Melissa Ethridge. But I don’t think we’ll have to worry.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Joss Stone used to be blond.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Blonde, British, teenage soul doesn’t get it with me, although I have Joss’ first ablum [sic].
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
It should be obvious that Megan is in the bottom three, but Scott is still a possibility, your conspiracy theories notwithstanding.
The Redhead says
I don’t have a “conspiracy theory.” I generally stay away from those.
I mean, do I look like Oliver Stone?
🙂
The Redhead says
Man, that red hair…I’ve never seen quite that color of red on anybody’s head! But Allison is safe.
Duh.
America voted: Indian guy is safe.
The Redhead says
I think they’re saving Megan for last to stretch this out.
Guy with beard is safe.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
The Redhead says
Scott or Megan?
Megan is…
safe.
Hey, Sir Mouse–you get to gaze upon the lovely Megan for at least one more week!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
So, I think Michael goes home.
The Redhead says
I knew it!!!!!!!! Scott is safe, after all.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Conspiracyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
The Redhead says
The Wonder is coming up after the break.
The Redhead says
Yeah, yeah.
Bob and I just had Tex Mex from Tiajuana Flats. Not terrible although I’m not a fan of Tex Mex.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
The old blind guy?
The Redhead says
Oh yeah! Guess what, Sir Mouse!
Guess…
guess…
come on, guess!!!!!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Tijuana Flats is OK. They have lots of hot sauces. I normally like to be served, though. The chain was started by UCF students.
The Redhead says
Yay UCF!
The Redhead says
BTW, have you guessed yet?
The Redhead says
Okay, I’ll give you a hint.
Math Guy is picking something up tomorrow.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
What am I guessing?
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
A Prius?
The Redhead says
Not just any Prius, a Silver Pine Prius!
The deal is done!
The Redhead says
I like Stevie Wonder. Love this song. But I like his really old stuff when he was known as Little Stevie Wonder.
The Redhead says
Fingertips. Great stuff.
Then later, I Was Made to Love Her. One of the great songs.
The Redhead says
He sounds pretty good.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Cool!
The Redhead says
Get down!
Boogie on!
Right on!
Left on!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Uptight, outta sight, in the groove.
The Redhead says
The car is a light green–really cool looking. Math Guy is very excited! He got a very good deal from a guy we have run with in MarathonFest.
The Redhead says
Stevie shows em’ how Motown is done, baby.
The Redhead says
I don’t recognize this song.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Has anyone turned up any naked pictures of Megan on the Web yet?
The Redhead says
Did you see that facebook has (partially) caved.
We protesters reign victorious!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Looks like Stevie porked up, just like Kelly Clarkson.
The Redhead says
Uh oh. Stevie threw in a shout-out to President Obama. Sir Mouse not going to like that.
The Redhead says
I haven’t really been looking into any possible naked photos of Megan.
So sorry.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
WGARA what Facebook does?
The Redhead says
Isn’t that gigantic tatoo on her shoulder/arm a big turnoff though? I mean, yuck.
The Redhead says
Now now, Sir Mouse, don’t be bitter.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Let’s get this goddamn sing-off over with. We know that Matt is going to win and Michael is going to lose. After all, they already pre-judged Michael’s choice of song. How can they be objective about it?
The Redhead says
Try not to get too worked up, Sir Mouse. It will be over soon.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
I’m not bitter. I just don’t give a shit. I just wish all the cyclical bitching and whining would die down so I could have fun with Facebook when I feel like looking in there. Too fucking much bandwidth is wasted on PMS.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Who you telling, “Try not to…”? Me? You sure you want to do that?
The Redhead says
Sorry–Matt is going on!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
So long, Michael!
The Redhead says
Sir Mouse–you know I’m kidding you!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
WTF is that whore outfit Paula is wearing?
The Redhead says
This is pretty cheesy. He’s sort of got a Tom Jones thing going on.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Goodnight, Michael…see you on the rig.
The Redhead says
The judges won’t save him.
The Redhead says
Wow, that’s some bling Paula is wearing.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Simon said last night that Michael can’t win.
The Redhead says
Sorry, Michael. Trix are for kids.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Well, that’s that, then!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
What surprises are we going to have on ER tonight?
The Redhead says
If Megan was so awful last night, why is she still there tonight?
The Redhead says
Tonight is the next to the last ER!
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Because Megan is HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
You didn’t know that America votes for pretty and young, like Obama?
The Redhead says
That’s not so bad if he’s going on tour.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Yeah, and the shark is awaiting Fonzie’s final ride.
The Redhead says
I’ve noticed quite a lot of political commentary sneaking into the mix this week.
The Redhead says
I read a good comment from someone who said that ER jumped the shark when the helicopter fell on Ramano. Good call.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
I’m frustrated with all this spending. I won’t apologize for any commentary. It will affect all of us quite negatively.
The Redhead says
Well, that’s it for another week of AI.
Have a good one, Sir Mouse! Watch out for any cats.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
I said the same thing about ER. Then, upon further reflection, it was actually in the previous season, when Romano lost his arm and DeBenko had that silly robot running around talking to people.
The Mouse Who Ate Xanax says
Yep. Hasta la vista. Have fun with the new car.