This week, as Washington continues its sleight of hand smokescreen to convince us that the old conundrum, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you” is not a joke, the mindless American Idol pseudo-entertainment is shifted forward one day, having been pre-empted by an Obama double-barreled Teleprompter extravaganza. As this Mouse watches a corrupt Congress (and he means both sides of the proverbial aisle) snatch up all his cheese, past, present, and future, steamrolling legislation that even our esteemed president seems powerless to modify, let alone thwart, because the big cheese, Nancy Pelosi, has his walnuts firmly in her leonine, socialist grasp with the the omnipresent tacit threat to squeeze them, a veritable Sword of Damocles, as it were, Mighty Mus must mollify his anxiety with the inane drivel of good old Idol.
Hey, this Mouse just realized something. We have three, not two, nights of mindless entertainment this week! Yea, verily, we have amateur night in Washington on Tuesday night, as our earn-while-you-learn president takes the podium and flawlessly delivers a smooth rendition of that old song, Oy, Have I Got a Bridge to Sell Ya! Wednesday and Thursday, we have the ascendent descendents of the contestants on the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour competing to see who can be the next overhyped, mildly talented entertainer to grace the airwaves and our iPods. It’s all consistently bad entertainment, and this Mouse refuses to let it frustrate him. Obama and the other 10 contestants trying to either win or lose America’s hearts, if not its money, are there for our enjoyment.
Obama and congress are performing a magician’s act with your money, folks, and you don’t even know that it’s happening. Now you see it, now you don’t. Behind that curtain is my predecessor; it’s all his fault. ??? ????
Moving right along, a recap of last week’s result show festivities is in order. It was essentially country boredom time as a few country artists hawked their latest CDs, but who the hell cares about that. The results were what we had to wait for through all that, which of course was like Guantánamo torture (by which this Mouse means merely sending little Ali to bed without his cookies and milk, which is only defined as torture by the ACLU and Pelosi, if she’s looking to create a smokescreen for her own heavy-handed malfeasance). Oh, wait. Idol. [Yes, focus, Mouse. You’re so easily distracted by your quasi-political reveries! Have a glass of MUScatel and settle down! –Ed.]
OK, so throughout the results show, we had the usual cliff-hangers, with every contestant being made to stand up and shit in his or her pants as they are dragged through every mistake they made and the further torture (there’s that word again!) of being subjected to another round of comments by the so-called judges. Ryan Seacrest and the producers’ favored torture technique this season is standing up two contestants and, after suitably busting their balls (or ovaries, for you politically correct, anachronistic Women’s Libbers) by reciting the previous day’s ill-tempered assessments by Simon Cowell, asking the judges to state which one of the two should stay and which one should go. Of course, this is filler material, as “America” has already voted at that point and the results are already known to everybody but the (hopefully) Ford-buying, Coke-swilling audience.
The “Judges’ Save” is a new concept this year, and it would come into play for the first time during this results show. Recall that the judges can save one contestant who is voted off the show by the popular vote. They can only do this once per season; after they save someone, they’ve shot their proverbial wad. Furthermore, they have to be unanimous in their ass-saving decision.
Poor little Alexis, who suffers from Tiny T & A Syndrome (TTAS), enough of a handicap in Hollywood already, was on the bubble last Wednesday night, as America voted and left her with the short straw. However, as she stood with Michael Sarver for the pre-result ball-breaking ceremony, the judges said that they had conferred and they had agreed to give one of the two an opportunity for a save if that particular individual was voted off by America. As it turned out, that meant Alexis, and she was indeed the one voted off. Seacrest told her to sing her ass off for the tribunal, who would then decide her ultimate and indelible fate.
The net-net: we’re short one blonde. Or short one short blonde. Whatever. No huge loss.
This week, the remaining ten contestants get to tackle Berry Gordy’s Motown sound. ???? ?????? Accordingly, one would expect the schvartzes to do well (this Mouse speaks Yiddish almost as well as Jackie Mason). However, there is only one of them, Lil Rounds. Do not fear, because Danny Gokey can do white boy soul pretty damn well. What the hell will Adam Lambert do? That’s always the big question from week to week, and that is why he’s going to win this damn thing hands down! ??? ???? ????? ?? ???????? He’s a showman, versatile and full of surprises. Not one of the other nine contestants can hold a candle to him. It should be pretty funny, though, to see Michael Sarver sing R&B, which in his vocabulary probably stands for “rigs and beer.”
And, then, there’s the delightfully endowed, tattooed Megan Joy, who brings great joy to my tiny mouse loins. A few more weeks for this blonde, please. This Mouse deserves it, after having to put up with the crappy magician’s act in Washington.
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Tough night for Idol…big hockey game, big basketball game, and Redhead has to work.
Paula looks like she’s dressed for a tea party for five year-olds.
Crinoline?
Smokey Robinson and Berry Gordy in da house.
We’re doing the history of Motown.
Matt’s going to do Let’s Get It On.
He’s still too white for this and he’s trying too hard, making a bombastic performance out of it. Let’s see what the so-called judges say.
Randy: you set this of on a tone, dude, but that run that you did at the end, you challengin for da top spot
Kara: you got up and got out of your shell – solid performance
Paula: showed a sexy cool vibe – his riffs are not overdone
Simon: brilliant choice of song – a cool performance – voice suits song – Matt is one of the front runners
Kris is on deck, will do his thang after the break.
Kris gon’ sing How Sweet It Is. Two Marvin Gaye songs so far.
Smokey was impressed working with Kris.
This Mouse is not impressed. He’s got a good voice. He plays the guitar. But he’s a white boy singing an old soul song and it shows.
And the judges say:
Kara: what she loves about it is that he didn’t do James Taylor, he didn’t do Marvin Gaye, he did Kris
Paula: it’s nice that you’ve come into your own
Simon: thought it was smart that he did his own version of the song, but he’s got to start developing confidence in himself – “To be a star, you’ve got to be conceited.”
Randy: it’s all good right now, baby. It’s all good.
End of first period. Pittsburgh 1, Calgary 0.
Scott the blind boy is next.
Scott gon’ do You Can’t Hurry Love, by the Supremes. Smokey said, “I have no negative comments about Scott.”
He’s using the piano. The piano work is better than the vocal. He’s got three “Supremes” singing backup.
I think it’s a piano bar performance.
And now, the so-called judges:
Paula: I think that you pleased both Simon and I – by putting the singers there with the piano you added a whole dimension
Simon: Oh, dear. There was a line in the song when you said “how much more can you take” – honky tonk piano – background singers were a mess – it was the wrong song for Scott – I think you’re better than that – week after week, you’re choosing the wrong song
Randy: I don’t agree with Simon often, BUT…it was kind of a hotel kind of performance – just very average
Kara: he brought tempo tonight, finally — but took liberties with the melody, but when you do that you have to nail it and you didn’t
Paula just gave Simon a box of crayons and a coloring book, because he was getting on her nerves like a small child.
Megan up next. Gon’ do Stevie Wonder. Meanwhile, Simon is applying a purple crayon to Paula’s face.
Well, it’s not REAL Stevie. She’s singing For Once in My Life. Smokey says she’s “different” — I think he likes her ass.
She’s got a big brass orchestra. This is very Broadway. Unfortunately, she’s all over the place pitchwise. It’s horrible, so I better get my contingent last looks at her.
She’s like yelling more than singing.
Now, the pseudo-judges:
Randy: dude, that song was a train wreck…so bizarre…needed to slow it back to get your jazzy thang going
Kara: My Guy would have been a better song — bad notes all over the place — the phrasing was weird — song was dominating you
Paula: Your stunning beauty just takes my breath away BUT I’m gonna have to agree
Simon: Oh, dear. Megan, the good news is that you look good and the bad news is that it was horrible. She should fire whoever is advising her. She could be in serious trouble after tonight’s performance.
At least the colors of her dress match the tattoo this time.
Anoop is next. Magic 36, Celtics 28.
Anoop gon’ sing “Ooh, Baby Baby” — so Smokey is all excited. Smokey says, “Don’t change a thang.”
Anoop’s doing it to strings. He’s got those Supreme babes backing him up. He’s a little flat. Unfortunately, he’s trying to do Smokey and he ain’t Smokey. Adam would “make this song his own”, but Anoop can’t. It’s getting better, but it’s still amateurish and a bit cloying. I give it the IS rating.
The judges speak:
Kara: very hard song to do – a pretty good job – you can sing – push it more and be creative
Paula: I want to see more confidence – phrasing, delivery, and falsetto are spot on and sweet
Simon: great vocal but you looked like you were half asleep – it was a little bit like someone singing it in a musical but you gotta do more – you’ve had two good weeks in a row and you’re getting there.
How’s it going, Sir Mouse? I’m still at the bookstore but am looking forward to reading your comments later. I’m going to be here late.
I’m listening to David Amran sing–he’s pretty amazing. When you can, check out that Wikpedia link I sent you. This guy is the real deal (something all those Idol contenders will never likely be).
See you tomorrow evening for the elim round!
Michael Sarver in da house. He didn’t get to make the trip to Detroit because he had da flu. But Smokey came out to da house. He’s gonna do I’ve Heard a Cryin’ Man by the Temptations. Smokey told him that it was a little weak…pound it a little….dis yo last chance wit yo woman…lay it out
I mean Please Don’t Leave Me Girl. He’s singin like a constipated white boy wearing torn jeans and he ain’t moving me.
Judges:
Paula: Well, um. Oh, boy. It kinda felt old Las Vegas loungey to me. You need to be dominating that song. I’m sorry Michael.
Simon: Michael, look. It was —ahh, I couldn’t wait for it to end. You were screaming and shouting the song. You have no chance of winning the competition.
Randy: It’s an unbelievable song but it was too big for you. You’re not an R&B kind of dude.
Kara: At this point, it’s not about singing, it’s about artistry. What we’re looking for is someone who takes a song and makes it their own.
Magic 47, Celtics 39, end of first half.
Lil Round coming up next. This gonna be a good week for her, as I mentioned above in my Pullitzer Prize winning article.
Maybe she’ll do Lil Rounds sings the Barney Frank Songbook.
Lil gon’ do Heat Wave. Smokey says she could sing the phone book.
She’s got a set of pipes on her. She does credit to the song we all know so well because it was overplayed in 1964. She’s rocking the house. This is her thing. Give or take a couple of flat notes, she’s better than Martha Reeves.
And now, the assholes:
Randy: So, listen. Ha ha. Lil Rounds, what’s goin down baby. Wasn’t the right kind of song for you. Need a little bit more space in the bars. Up-tempo songs are not good for you.
Kara: This is your week. If you don’t nail this week… I don’t think it was the right song. It was screaming at certain parts.
Paula: I disagree completely with these two. You look unbelievable. You didn’t change anything musically, but I think you own that song.
Simon: What you did tonight was an authentic tribute to Motown, but I wouldn’t have chosen that song. Too fast. It was authentic, but you are one of the best singers we have in this competition. I’m dying to see you do what you did a few weeks ago where you just blow everyone away. You can’t do it with that song.
Adam up next. No change in hockey or basketball scores.
Let’s get this over with so I can watch some sports. Adam’s doing The Tracks of My Tears. Smokey said he never heard it done like dat. Adam kep it tinder and sweet, and he was very proud of Adam’s interpretation.
Adam is dressed up with his hair slicked back. Kinda looking like a cross between Wayne Newton, Rick Nelson, and Elvis. This ain’t his song, though. He’s doing a lot of falsetto. He’s doing it with a string bass, an acoustic guitar, and a hand drummer. It was weird, but I liked it! He showed another dimension.
The dickheads:
Kara: One of the best performances of the night.
Paula: bla bla bla I love the clean look, no nail polish tonight…blablabla
Simon: It was THE best performance of the night. You were able there to sum up everything we were trying to say tonight about originality, etc., etc. Tonight, for me, you have emerged as a star.
Randy: Tonight, you showed that you’re not just an indy kind of cool rocker. you pulled out everything in your arsenal. You’re hot.
Danny Gokey is next. Magic 61, Celtics 50.
Danny gon’ sing Get Ready. Doesn’t look like Smokey is too impressed.
Aside from the absurdity of a bespectacled white boy singing Smokey, he ain’t half bad. Problem is the other half ain’t all that good. Look, let’s face it. Adam has won this thing already, unless someone really can stand out. No one is threatening to, including Danny, who has done a halfway credible job here.
Judges:
Paula: you give a first class performance every week
Simon: that was clumsy and amateurish
Randy: You remind me of the great Levi Stubbs. Wasn’t your best performance
Kara: Loved your personality tonight. Was good, not great.
16 year-old Allison is next. Magic 66, Celts 54.
Allison gon’ sing Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone.
Allison screwed it up when she worked with Smokey. I dunno. I ain’t hooked inta dis. Kinda sucks.
Good ending note, though.
Randy: Yo, Allison. You might be 16 buy you one of the dopest singers in this thing.
Kara: You singing like you been singing for 400 years.
Paula: (who now has a crayoned moustache) you kep your rock edge…you belong in the competition
Simon: you are a survivor. This was one of your best performances.
OK, so goodnight. Hockey and basketball time.
I’d say Michael or Megan will bite the dust.
Tomorrow night, Smokey, Joss Stone, Ruben Studdard, and Stevie Wonder will appear on the results show.
Okay, Sir Mouse. You missed my comment above at the top of the second half. I enjoyed your play-by-play, especially the quotes of the judges–very funny stuff!
It sounds like Megan is the goner. I’m looking forward to the recaps tomorrow evening and I will see you then!
Well, The Redhead is now in the house but it looks like I’m here all by myself 🙁
I’ll try to carry on.
Rueben is now singing. He seems like a nice guy but hasn’t had much of a singing career since winning a few seasons back.
Adam is safe. Of course, he is! I watched his performance from last night on You Tube today. Great stuff.
Matt is now in the bottom three. Uh oh.
Chris is safe. He keeps saying, “every week.” Don’t jinx yourself, dude.
Lil’ is safe.
Michael, not so lucky. Only one more chair left in the Bottom Three now.
Now we go to a dumb commercial. Hit the “mute” button.
It’s Kris, as in Kristofferson, and I’m late. I thought this drivel started at 9. I’ll catch up with the DVR and be here in a few minutes.
I thought that might have been the case!
Glad you’re here!
Okay, we’re back. Joss Stone is singing. She’s no longer blonde (I liked her better that way).
Here’s Smokey Robinson. He’s an old guy now. He’s not sounding too good. This duet isn’t working.
I’m going to go out on a metaphorical limb here and bet that Megan will be in the bottom three soon. I meant to catch her performance on You Tube today. It’s gotten a lot of bad reviews.
I just thought of a singer I hope they never have on AI: Melissa Ethridge. But I don’t think we’ll have to worry.
Joss Stone used to be blond.
Blonde, British, teenage soul doesn’t get it with me, although I have Joss’ first ablum [sic].
It should be obvious that Megan is in the bottom three, but Scott is still a possibility, your conspiracy theories notwithstanding.
I don’t have a “conspiracy theory.” I generally stay away from those.
I mean, do I look like Oliver Stone?
🙂
Man, that red hair…I’ve never seen quite that color of red on anybody’s head! But Allison is safe.
Duh.
America voted: Indian guy is safe.
I think they’re saving Megan for last to stretch this out.
Guy with beard is safe.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Scott or Megan?
Megan is…
safe.
Hey, Sir Mouse–you get to gaze upon the lovely Megan for at least one more week!
So, I think Michael goes home.
I knew it!!!!!!!! Scott is safe, after all.
Conspiracyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
The Wonder is coming up after the break.
Yeah, yeah.
Bob and I just had Tex Mex from Tiajuana Flats. Not terrible although I’m not a fan of Tex Mex.
The old blind guy?
Oh yeah! Guess what, Sir Mouse!
Guess…
guess…
come on, guess!!!!!
Tijuana Flats is OK. They have lots of hot sauces. I normally like to be served, though. The chain was started by UCF students.
Yay UCF!
BTW, have you guessed yet?
Okay, I’ll give you a hint.
Math Guy is picking something up tomorrow.
What am I guessing?
A Prius?
Not just any Prius, a Silver Pine Prius!
The deal is done!
I like Stevie Wonder. Love this song. But I like his really old stuff when he was known as Little Stevie Wonder.
Fingertips. Great stuff.
Then later, I Was Made to Love Her. One of the great songs.
He sounds pretty good.
Cool!
Get down!
Boogie on!
Right on!
Left on!
Uptight, outta sight, in the groove.
The car is a light green–really cool looking. Math Guy is very excited! He got a very good deal from a guy we have run with in MarathonFest.
Stevie shows em’ how Motown is done, baby.
I don’t recognize this song.
Has anyone turned up any naked pictures of Megan on the Web yet?
Did you see that facebook has (partially) caved.
We protesters reign victorious!
Looks like Stevie porked up, just like Kelly Clarkson.
Uh oh. Stevie threw in a shout-out to President Obama. Sir Mouse not going to like that.
I haven’t really been looking into any possible naked photos of Megan.
So sorry.
WGARA what Facebook does?
Isn’t that gigantic tatoo on her shoulder/arm a big turnoff though? I mean, yuck.
Now now, Sir Mouse, don’t be bitter.
Let’s get this goddamn sing-off over with. We know that Matt is going to win and Michael is going to lose. After all, they already pre-judged Michael’s choice of song. How can they be objective about it?
Try not to get too worked up, Sir Mouse. It will be over soon.
I’m not bitter. I just don’t give a shit. I just wish all the cyclical bitching and whining would die down so I could have fun with Facebook when I feel like looking in there. Too fucking much bandwidth is wasted on PMS.
Who you telling, “Try not to…”? Me? You sure you want to do that?
Sorry–Matt is going on!
So long, Michael!
Sir Mouse–you know I’m kidding you!
WTF is that whore outfit Paula is wearing?
This is pretty cheesy. He’s sort of got a Tom Jones thing going on.
Goodnight, Michael…see you on the rig.
The judges won’t save him.
Wow, that’s some bling Paula is wearing.
Simon said last night that Michael can’t win.
Sorry, Michael. Trix are for kids.
Well, that’s that, then!
What surprises are we going to have on ER tonight?
If Megan was so awful last night, why is she still there tonight?
Tonight is the next to the last ER!
Because Megan is HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
You didn’t know that America votes for pretty and young, like Obama?
That’s not so bad if he’s going on tour.
Yeah, and the shark is awaiting Fonzie’s final ride.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of political commentary sneaking into the mix this week.
I read a good comment from someone who said that ER jumped the shark when the helicopter fell on Ramano. Good call.
I’m frustrated with all this spending. I won’t apologize for any commentary. It will affect all of us quite negatively.
Well, that’s it for another week of AI.
Have a good one, Sir Mouse! Watch out for any cats.
I said the same thing about ER. Then, upon further reflection, it was actually in the previous season, when Romano lost his arm and DeBenko had that silly robot running around talking to people.
Yep. Hasta la vista. Have fun with the new car.