The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home 2009 Archives for December 2009

Archives for December 2009

Eleventh Hour Thoughts

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Where have you been? I missed you. Happy New Year to all of you and a belated Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and whatever the appropriate phraseology might be for Kwanzaa — essentially three unrelated holiday concepts united by a common Julian month. But I digress.

Oh, yeah — I haven’t posted anything for three weeks, so it’s no wonder you haven’t stopped by. Sorry, but it always seems as if this time of year is replete with excuses for not writing. Moreover, I get writer’s block — there is so much to say, and yet here I sit with a blank mind.

Accordingly, this will be a loosely connected train of thoughts about the bowl season and the Capital One Bowl in particular. We left off with #11 Penn State and #13 LSU being selected as the combatants in the 2010 Tangerine Bowl.

OK, don’t get confused. I’m using throwback names here. It all started out with the Tangerine Bowl, which we Orlando old-timers used to call “The T-Bowl”. That was both the name of the stadium and the name of the minor bowl game that was played there. For some reason known only to the Florida Citrus Sports Association, the event and venue name was changed to the Citrus Bowl. Meanwhile, a new, even more minor bowl game, remarkably called the Tangerine Bowl, was invented. Since that time, of course, someone in the NCAA decided that amateur athletics was a big money game, so corporate sponsorships became all the rage. So, the Citrus Bowl, which in olden days used to be called the Tangerine Bowl, became the Capital One Bowl and the even more minor Tangerine Bowl became the Champs Sports Bowl. What’s in your wallet?

The Capital One Bowl is regarded by some as the creme de la creme of non-BCS bowls. On what basis that would be, this Turkey does not know. The only measure that makes sense in this pecuniary world of amateur competition is the amount of money paid out to competing teams. There are 34 bowl games this year. Jeez! Of these, five are BCS bowls: the Sugar, Orange, Rose, Fiesta, and Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship game. (I’m ignoring corporate sponsor names, because that sucks.)  This year, BCS bowls pay $17 million, while the minor bowls range from $300,000 (the PapaJohns.com Bowl, in Birmingham) to $5,830,000 (the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, formerly known as the Peach Bowl, in Atlanta). The Capital One Bowl comes in second among wannabe bowls at $4,250,000.

So, perhaps the pissing contest among second-rate bowl games comes down to a combination of money plus being played on New Year’s Day? (The Peach Bowl takes place on New Year’s Eve.) Seems contrived to me.

Maybe it’s who has the better TV commercials, as long as we’re talking money here. The Capital One barbarians, brutish and dumb sounding with cockney accents (no doubt historically accurate recreations from original recordings of Attila the hun), are still smarter than those dumb cows whose Kindergarten scrawl on billboards urges us to “Eat more chikin.” Ahh, but maybe the barbarians can’t write at all. Yeah, good thought.

Nevertheless, $4,250,000 can support a lot of third-rate sports at Penn State, so this Turkey is all for it. After all, those sports programs — at least some of them, the ones whose events you get to attend gratis — are populated by real student athletes.

So, I’ve been watching lots of those pauper bowls, juiced by my entry in a pool that could net me a couple hundred smackeroos if my predictions work out well. After the first five games, I was thinking about how to save face — I had zero correct picks. Nada. Zilch. OMG. WTF?? But then again, I look at those forlorn stadiums mostly populated by some students wanting to party and parents of players there from a sense of obligation, if not familial pride, and I ask: How the hell can anyone successfully pick these damn games, and who the hell wants to travel to Detroit or Toronto in the dead of winter to attend a game between Marshall and Ohio, or USF and Northern Illinois?

(I’m doing better in the pool now. I’m in sixth place after last night’s games, poised to make my move.)

So, the bowl season heats up today with the Armed Forces Bowl, the Sun Bowl, the Texas Bowl, the Insight Bowl, and the aforementioned Chick-Fil-A Bowl. New Year’s Eve is the beginning of the major and almost major bowl games.

That brings us to Penn State and LSU. They’re pretty similar in terms of performance in their conferences as well as in their deficiencies on the field. Both lost all their big conference games to teams that would mostly wind up in BCS bowls. LSU (9-3) lost to Florida (Sugar Bowl), Alabama (SSMNC), and Ol’ Miss (Cotton), while Penn State (10-2) lost to Iowa (Orange) and Ohio State (Rose). Supporters of both teams had high hopes for a national championship this year (yeah, right!), and that was based on what? Optimism reigns supreme in August, but for the vast preponderance of college football teams, hopes are deflated before November. Such was the case for both the Bengal Tigers and the Nittany Lions. Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

LSU has little offense to speak of. Between that and the fact that Penn State can put lots of pressure on a quarterback, this Turkey does not expect to see a huge number of points on the scoreboard under LSU’s moniker. To ensure this, the PSU defensive front seven must keep up the pressure in passing situations, because the Nittany Lions’ secondary sucks.

Penn State can score points if quarterback Daryll Clark is given enough time to throw the ball and if Evan Royster and Stephfon Green can get going. The key to both of those things happening is the Penn State offensive line, which is another area of suckage. So, look for frustrating performances on offense by both teams.

This will be exacerbated by crappy field conditions. The Citrus Bowl has been beaten up recently, serving as the venue for a state high school championship as well as the Champs Sports Bowl, played on Tuesday night. If you watched that game, you saw great clumps of sod being churned up on the field. Furthermore, we’re expecting a bit of rain here in Orlando over the next 24 hours, which encompasses game time. This might not be a major factor, but I’m just sayin’.

Last but not least, we have to touch on the horrible Penn State special teams. They were bad at the beginning of the season and didn’t seem to improve a whit through the final game. Jeremy Boone is a halfway decent punter, but if the other 10 guys can’t cover his punts, he’s not a weapon. The coaching brain trust seemed to be out of ideas when we last touched on this. The coverage on kickoffs is similarly crappy. Accordingly, the Nittany Lions cannot, must not kick off in the direction of Trindon Holliday, a track star who runs the 100m in 10 seconds. He’s only 5’5″ and 160 lbs, but he is greased lightning up the ass fast. If he gets the ball on a kickoff, given the crappiness of the kickoff coverage Penn State has exhibited all year and the fact that Collin Wagner cannot kick the ball deep, he’ll need a few missed tackles and a mere nine seconds to scamper past the Penn State goal line. No way, friends. That cannot be allowed to happen.

Let us hope for some wide open offense from both teams, so this one does not become a boring sphincterball sleeperfest.

Well, that brings us to our last Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the 2009-10 season. Current line on the game favors Penn State by 2.5, with an over/under of 43.5, suggesting a PSU win by about 23-20. This Turkey is so convinced that the Nittany Lions are going to win this one that I picked Penn State in the bowl pool and weighted it heavily. I’m sticking with the good guys on New Year’s Day. Penn State 24, LSU 20.

Thanks again and a big, hearty Happy New Year to all my readers. As those of you who have followed me for a while know, I write about other stuff besides football in the off-season. I’ll see you all down the pike.

Lions Land in Citrus Bowl, As Expected

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The Nittany Turkey is proud to be last on the scene once again as he reports that Penn State will play LSU in the Capital One Bowl on January 1. By this time, most of you have already bought your tickets and made your travel plans. That is good, so I won’t have to apologize for my late delivery of the news we pretty much knew all along. ????? ??? ????

The good old BCS hyped the Penn State vs Iowa who-gets-in? hubbub all the way to the end by keeping lips sealed about the damn thing. Ultimately, however, justice prevailed, sending Iowa to the Orange Bowl and leaving Penn State out. That’s good, because I have to believe that the Nittany Lions would have had trouble with the 1968 offense of the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Not good for the administration, who are crying in their pabulum about losing all that moolah.

Nevertheless, this Turkey thinks that things settled out pretty well. Alabama and Texas will play each other to decide the Still Somewhat Mythical So-Called National Championship (SSMSCNC), while Gator Nation wonders whether they should trade a draft pick to the Minnesota Vikings for Percy Harvin.

Now, don’t you all feel silly for having wasted your time speculating about possible bowl berths for endless hours for the last few weeks? Did any of your ruminations, machinations, and masturbation change anything? ???? ??? ???? ?????

Now that match-ups have been decided and bids are out, I think I’ll have to do some bowl predictions here as this month progresses. How else are you going to figure out whom to bet on? You could go to some of the less facetious, unsarcastic sources on the Internet, or you could throw darts at a labeled dartboard bought from 1 Hattrick, but you will not find the Turkey’s words anywhere but here. When you rely on those other sources, you receive no compassion when you lose. ??? ???? ??? ???? Not so, the Turkey. Being so used to making incorrect predictions had mellowed me out. When you lose with my predictions, I’ll give you the full benefit of my sympathy. In advance.

Just when are the media going to shift from counting how many women Tiger Woods has slept with to how many women he hasn’t slept with? I’m going to have to ask Jenny if he’s been there. Maybe we can figure out a way to get some of his money.

Of course, Nero fiddles with Tiger Woods and his peccadilloes while Rome burns. And boy, is Rome burning. While we idiots spend all this time and column space worrying about who Tiger screwed and who will win which inconsequential bowl game, Washington and the world are conspiring against our freedom. The misguided liberals are about to get what they’ve wanted all along. So don’t get caught up in this bowl crap and in Tiger Woods’ babewise trophy case. Devote that energy to thwarting something that will screw all of us if we let it happen.

Global warming is a fraud. (Or are we supposed to call it “climate change” now, because it could never explain why the planet was actually cooling with anything more than a hand wave.) Who knew? Certainly not Al Gore — it would endanger his book proceeds and carbon offset profits. But everybody in Copenhagen knows about that. The deal there is that the tin pots of the world will suck out big bucks from the US and the rest of the civilized, prosperous world. We’ll wind up sucking hind tit.

I’m thinking that health care reform will cost us more money than we have. Our friends in congress are salivating over controlling 18% of the U.S. economy. One senate schmuck even wrote an amendment that establishes control of insurance companies’ CEO salaries. How the hell do we let this government grab of private enterprise happen? Wake up, people!

Now that I’ve confused you by injecting my impertinent opinions on hot-button current events issues, I’ll return to the subject at hand. I intend to look further into the Penn State vs. LSU situation as the month progresses, assuming that too many other activities don’t get in the way. You never know this time of year. We could have a Tiger Woods emergency or something. LSU doesn’t have much of an offense, so Penn State has a chance to make a statement that a third-rate Big Ten team can beat a third-rate SEC team. Oy, such a statement!

I’ve got to get ready for lunch now.

Ducks Prevail, Bring Back Bowl Memories

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Watching the Oregon vs Oregon State game tonight flashed me back to the simpler days when bowl games were few, prestigious, and didn’t need the name of a company selling package delivery services, pizza, weed eaters, or car care to be viable. Oregon won, 37-33 in an exciting game replete with five lead changes.

The Oregon students were waving roses at the end, and that’s the way it used to be when teams knew which bowl they were playing for. The Pac-8 (which it was until upstarts Arizona and Arizona State joined) would send its champ to the Rose Bowl to meet the Big Ten Champ — more often than not, the winner of the Michigan vs Ohio State game. Roses were passed around at those pivotal late season games because if the respective teams took care of business, they were sure to get a bid for “the grandaddy of them all.”

Back then, the winner of the Big Eight would play in the Orange Bowl. The SEC winner would play in the Sugar Bowl. The (now defunct) Southwest Conference winner would play in the Cotton Bowl. Those teams knew where they were going and exactly what they were playing for.

Furthermore, we didn’t have to remember which corporate sponsor’s bowl it was played in which other corporate sponsor’s stadium. The Orange Bowl was played in the Orange Bowl. The Sugar Bowl was played in the Sugar Bowl. The Cotton Bowl was played in the Cotton Bowl and the Rose Bowl was played in the Rose Bowl. ???? ????? (The latter, fortunately for the sake of history, still is.)

Now, even the parades associated with the bowls have corporate sponsors. How exciting.

Hell, watching football on TV, it has come to having corporate sponsors for first downs. (“That first down was brought to you by Bush’s Beans…”) One of my compadres, Jackstand, speculated that soon we will have sponsors for the left hash mark on the 47 yard line. ???? ??? ????????

For the sake of pumping up even more TV revenue, we now have to endure a BCS selection show, which will air this coming Sunday night on ESPN. Used to be we didn’t need such an abomination. Everybody knew what they were playing for and where they were going. Selection has grown complicated. When the standard tie-ins and rationale fail to provide enough projected revenue, the rules are bent via complex provisions for who gets to pick what from which bunch of teams in what order. The BCS sucks. It amounts to a theatrical booking agency, which attempts to justify its choices and placements with contrived formulae. The elephant in the room is that nobody gives a damn about anything but the money.

By BCS rules, a particular conference cannot send more than two teams to BCS bowls. Ohio State is locked into the Rose Bowl. If Penn State is picked over Iowa for the either the Tostitos or FedEx bowl, a travesty will have been committed. Iowa beat Penn State. Iowa is ranked higher than Penn State. Penn State fans naturally want to see their team go to the best possible bowl. Of course, the administration wants the significantly higher payout of a BCS bowl. ????? ???? ???? It is, after all, all about the money, no matter what euphemisms we hang on it. If Penn State is picked because its fans “travel well” or whatever the hell code word we use for “spend lots of money”, it ain’t right. Iowa should be picked because of what they have accomplished on the field, not based on the size of their alumni fund.

But I digress. The BCS has that effect on me. I continue to be annoyed with the entire process and the thinly veiled pecuniary orientation of the whole damn thing. However, the Ducks are the men of the hour, and I need to give them their Rose Bowl sendoff.

Congratulations to the Oregon Ducks! The last time you guys went to the Rose Bowl, it was 15 years ago and your opponents were the Penn State Nittany Lions. Unfortunately, you faced one of the most prolific offenses in NCAA history and gave a credible effort that fell significantly short against the #2 team in the land. (Only because Nebraska beat Miami the night before, but I won’t get into that — much.) This Turkey enjoyed the privilege of attending that game. This time around, I’m thinking you quackers can win this thing. The tables are turned. The Buckeyes aren’t all that good this year, having lost to a pretty awful Purdue squad and to USC, who you Ducks decimated on Halloween. Party hearty in Pasadena and enjoy the experience — you’ve earned your roses, now go for it all. The Turkey’s Crystal Balls predict a big Rose Bowl win.