The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home Archives for 2009

Archives for 2009

11 and Counting

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Last week’s American Idol results show, replete with the expanding Kelly Clarkson and the insipid Kanye West both hawking new CDs, was the end of the road for little, lovely Jasmine and handsome, smiling Jorge. No great loss in either case, but little Jasmine was quite pretty. Fortunately, the voters kept Megan Joy and Alexis Grace around for another week. Mouse needs his eye candy.

The “Judges’ Save” was introduced as a safety net measure for preventing the repeat of such erstwhile early exit travesties as Chris Daughtry and Jennifer Hudson. Judges will get to save one, single contestant who is eliminated by the popular vote during the finals. They must confer during one of the commercials and their decision must be unanimous. This is like George W. Bush losing in the popular vote, but the Supreme Court of the United States declared him a winner, anyway. (I’m getting a great kick out of myself here.) Anyhow, assuming that the public knocks out someone whom the judges feel to be worthy of continuing, they can make the save—just once. Alas, the judges unanimously chose not to save either the weeping Jasmine or the pragmatic Jorge.

This gives the judges a raison d’être for the finals. Otherwise, they have no real purpose, other than to provide inane commentary and inimical diatribe (in Simon’s case) after each performance, the whole of which carries no weight at all.

I think they ought to implement an analogous procedure called “The Judges’ 86.” This would allow the judges to confer and unanimously boot an unworthy contestant such as Season 6’s Sanjaya Malakar, even if an asshole with a huge following, such as Howard Stern, for example, tries to manipulate the popular voting to make a mockery of the show, which does quite well in making a mockery of itself without his help!

The Redhead just pointed out to this Mouse that this year, like other years, we have a subplot about which Christianophobes can assert conspiracy theories. Some contestants have religion and other believers vote for them because of it, perhaps unfairly to the other contestants who are not religious. Like, duh! This is news only to those who wish to make it news.  The American Idol voting public is motivated by things other than talent? No kidding! It’s a popularity contest, any way you slice it, and common interests, good looks, a decent personality, and, perhaps, a desire to punish other contestants will get the votes over ability anytime—just like presidential politics. But I digress.

This week is Grand Ole Opry Week. So, we can look forward to Carrie Underwood, the most successful Idol thus far, hawking yet another album on the results show. Good thing she stopped dating Tony Romo or she wouldn’t have time to do all this. She would be busy indulging him about how bad the Cowboys suck and what a dick T.O. really is. Anyway, we’ll also get to hear how these contestants handle country music. We’ll see just how versatile they is!

Opening Night Jitters?

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So, we had our first night of the American Idol finals. Most of the performances were pretty mundane but there were a couple of standouts who might go pretty far in this year’s competion.

First, let me ask what in the hell was that feathery thing on Paula Abdul’s shoulder? It looked like a damn bird tried to commit suicide by flying full force into her, winding up as a pile of lifeless feathers.

OK, that was a smokescreen because I don’t have a lot to say here. Last night while I was supposed to be watching this lame-ass show, at times I was watching a more important NHL game while texting my niece-in-law about it, as she and her old man (my nephew) are avid supporters of the “other” team. So, I missed some performances, particularly as the hockey game went into overtime and, ultimately, a shoot-out. But I digress.

Simon announced that two contestants would perish on Wednesday night, and from the post-mortems I’ve read about the show, apparently, the judges will be involved in the eliminations somehow. Sounds like a Kim Jong Il sort of voting situation. Either vote for who we want or the judges will fix the election!

Anyhow, the performances I liked were Lil Rounds, Allison Iraheta, and Adam Lambert, not necessarily in that order. I honestly thought everyone else had opening night jitters and via either shitty song selection or just stage fright—being overwhelmed in a new situation—they did not perform up to their potential.

Honorable mention goes to Megan Joy, who I find to be a veritable slurpette. Alas, she only gets a mention here because she’s hot. She butchered her crappy choice of a song, “Rockin’ Robin.”  The other blonde I like, Alexis Grace, sang at a crucial time during the hockey game, so I have NFI how she did. (Some sloppy-ass reporting here, ain’t it?) My co-judge, The Redhead, thought she was “terrible.”  However, she also thinks Alexis is a teen. She hasn’t been a teen for two years, and she’s a mama to boot. I still want her ass.

I believe that Adam Lambert is the one to beat this year. He’s a seasoned performer who knows how to take command of the stage and his audience. He has an excellent voice, too, and he gave Paula an orgasm just by watching his performance. Most importantly, however, he’s got the type of looks that attract the vacuous teeny and tweeny demographic. Paula ain’t the only one who’ll be having orgasms dreaming of Adam. I think he’s got a large voting block already cemented, so to speak.

The other standout was Allisan Iraheta, who has been doing stuff like Kim Carnes and Heart thus far through the auditions and the preliminaries. She’s very young, 16 to be exact, but she has a smoky, powerful voice that can pull off the rock alto kind of stuff. She sure as hell doesn’t have any trouble getting up there and belting out a rock ballad.

Who is going to go? Well, poor Jorge sucked big time doing “Never Can Say Goodbye.” He should have tried a falsetto to sound more like the young Michael Jackson. What an ironic choice of a song for Jorge, because he will have to say goodbye tonight. No-no-no. No-no-no. No-no-no!  And man, Anoop was completely out of his league attempting “Beat It”, which came off looking like bad karaoke. Another ironic choice of songs here. Anoop will beat it tonight!

Season Eight Idol Finalist Overview

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With Nero fiddling in Washington, this Mouse turns to watching Rome burn. Being too disgusted by the corrupt institution there calling itself a congress, and a president who seems oblivious to what the country really needs, it’s time once again for this blog to crank up its American Idol bullshit! A little comic relief is in store, for a change.

We’re down to the final thirteen contestants. How the hell did it become thirteen? I thought it was supposed to be twelve. This year has been confusing to this Mouse. Humans seem to want to change things all the time. We mice just do four things: eat, sleep, get laid, and die. But we do them well. Humans, I guess, are more complex. They want to keep changing things. But I mousegress.

Thirteen finalists in this, the eighth season of American Idol, aspire to join the ranks of the motley crue [sic] of past winners. Let’s see if I can remember them all. Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks, David Cook (the guy with the built-in yarmulke) , and who else? That’s only six. Let me look it up. Oh, yeah. I missed Fantasia Barrino in Season 3. Never liked her.

Anyhow, the thirteen hopefuls this year are: Adam Lambert, Alexis Grace, Allison Iraheta, Anoop Desai, Danny Gokey, Jasmine Murray, Jorge Nuñez, Kris Allen, Lil Rounds, Matt Giraud, Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, and Scott MacIntyre. They range in age from 16 to 27. ??? ???? ?? ?????? There are five girls, seven boys, and one about whom I’m not completely sure. We even have a blind guy. Throw in an Indian, a Puerto Rican, and an oil rig roughneck, and you’ll conclude that the Idol folks certainly got an eclectic bunch together this year!

That one would be Adam Lambert, who somebody described as a cross between Freddie Mercury and Prince. Although that union might have been plausible, this mouse doubts that it would have produced any offspring.

We have four significant hotties this year, from this Mouse’s perspective. I knocked Allison out of contention for the favorite Season Eight hottie, not because she’s only 16, but because she ain’t my type.(Yeah, I know she is a redhead, but she doesn’t do anything for me.) I much prefer Alexis’ mousy look. Jasmine is only 16, but she has a winning smile. Lil is just plain sexy, but this Mouse is going to have a great deal of difficulty choosing between the two blondes: the aforementioned Alexis Grace and the superhot Megan Joy. Megan has tattoos all the way up her right arm straight to her damn shoulder. I objected to that last year with Amy Carlson, but it sure as hell looks good on Megan. The other blonde, Alexis, is a little girl with a huge voice. ???? ????? I would be surprised if she didn’t go very far this year (if she can stay on pitch).

Of the guys, I bet Adam goes the farthest. He is bound to be a teen and tween favorite because of his looks, and he handles himself well on stage. Jorge’s sincerity, spirit, and handsome smile will serve him well. There’s something for everybody in this rogues’ gallery. If you like blue collar types, Michael Sarver, who works on an oil rig, should make you happy. ???? ????? Scott MacIntyre is the blind guy—I have three relatives who live it his house (see how they run?) – and he can play and sing well. He’s developed a following through the auditions and elimination rounds.

So, we’re almost done with the long build-up. I hope we get down to the final eight quickly, so we can really start cooking. Of course, they are milking this thing as much as they can.